confession

[amigo]

I just have to get this out there. I have been LC for 32 days and been feeling much better. LC, because I still haven't erased his (BPD exbf) number and e-mail and responded to a lukewarm text on his part to see if his narcissistic supply is still around. No recycle happened, partly, because he I stayed strong enough and didn't ask to see him. I haven't seen him in over 2 months.

My birthday is coming up and I know that his bd is either the day before or after mine, but I haven't been 100% sure. Of course we had bonded over this shared bd on many levels   So today I went online and paid (less than a dollar) for a service to find out for sure which his exact day his birthday is (the day following mine). I also looked up his very limited facebook page (he doesn't disclose his birthday on it). I haven't engaged in any online stalking since the horrible breakup in february. I feel so sick for having done this. One of the reasons is that I am considering sending him a message on his birthday. Not feeling so great about thinking of doing that either. I know other members on this board have struggled with whether or not to contact their ex's on their birthdays.  I wish he was a NON-BPD and I could just send out normal birthday wishes, to let him know I genuinely care(d) and to wish him well. ALAS... .

I haven't posted much on here, but still reading daily and journaling my progress. It's just that this upcoming dual birthday drew me back into the mental bind. Of course I am also wondering if I will hear from him.

Thank you for listening family. You have helped me so much. Meanwhile, one step at a time, heck, one breath at a time... .

[Tiepje3]

Amigo, reading your post I'm wondering what you are trying to accomplish with sending a birthday wish.

You want to get a response that you're a nice person for doing that?

You want to let the xbf know that you're still thinking of him?

You want to get a response... .period?

Ask yourself in all honesty what it is you want. LC is LC. Don't make it more difficult for yourself than it already is.

By the way... .I don't judge you and I don't know if I could do the same in January when my uBPDstbxh's birthday is coming up, but reading a post by someone else enables me to see it from a distance and I was just wondering... .What is your objective?

[Infern0]

Hey there's not one person on here who hasn't had these moments of weakness.

I still care deeply for mine, I have accepted that I always will, and since we live very close by I have to sit at a distance as she ruins her life and then decide what the heck to do if she attempts a recycle,  and you know what I don't know.

You have done really well with lc,  don't be hard on yourself but try to figure out why you want to reach out,  is it genuine compassion or for a more selfish reason

[amigo]

Thank you for your response Tiepje3.

Yes, I am asking myself the same question. What am I trying to accomplish?

Part of me feels it is just the right thing to do. I loved this person, and I send wishes to other ex's too, and they are well received.

But, yes, to be perfectly honest, I do have an agenda. I mentioned in previous posts, that I am looking for one last "round" with the BPD ex to give me that final push to go complete N/C. I have learned so much here, and I am so close to come to "closure" for myself, but I have this persistent feeling that one last contact with him, which I know will at the very least end badly, will give me the information to make it all "click".

The last two times I had contact with him actually really helped me, because with the information I have gained here, I could look at him like a texbook patient and feel less drawn to his positive side. Each time I heard from him, I felt better for days, because I got reinforcement for how sick he really is. Then, time passes, and I don't hear from him, and my selective memory kicks in, and I miss him. So in a way I want one last contact, somewhat on my terms (not by running into him at our mutual hangout, which I currently avoid), to help me end it for good. Also, in an ideal scenario, which I realize may not happen, I would like to let him know that I am going N/C and why.

And thank you for not judging me. I figured as much, people on this board (who put up with the worst behavior and forgave over and over) tend to not be judgmental  

I hope you won't need this, come January, but maybe I can be there for you then, to tell you to stay strong  

[amigo]

Thank you for your response Infern0.

As I replied to Tiepje3, when I am perfectly honest with myself, I do have an agenda. But I do feel genuine compassion as well. And deep, deep down, I miss him, and just want contact, that's the worst part, the almost subconscious agenda. I thought I was so much better, but this birthday thing brings up old feelings.

I understand what you mean by, you wouldn't know what the heck to do if a recycle was attempted by them

[Tiepje3]

Thanks Amigo, I'll probably be looking for support in January   

What makes another closure more of a closure than this one?

Your mind is already where it should be, but it seems to me that your heart is not there yet.

Again... .no judgment because I'm in the same situation. I have to keep telling myself to stay strong, even though I'm physically hurting from the heartache. It takes a lot of willpower to not get in touch other than to settle the divorce. But I thing you'd just be taking two steps back instead of one step forward and you'd have to go through all the heartache again.

[freedom33]

I have learned so much here, and I am so close to come to "closure" for myself, but I have this persistent feeling that one last contact with him, which I know will at the very least end badly, will give me the information to make it all "click".

When I read this I remembered when I was addicted to cigarettes, having quit and during the most crucial first week going back for one last hit... .that is just me though. My association and image, no judgement amigo. Having said that the good news is that I did manage to quit in the end incl. caffeine and alcohol - the bad news is that all three combined where easier to quit than my ex... . 

[Caredverymuch]

I just have to get this out there. I have been LC for 32 days and been feeling much better. LC, because I still haven't erased his (BPD exbf) number and e-mail and responded to a lukewarm text on his part to see if his narcissistic supply is still around. No recycle happened, partly, because he I stayed strong enough and didn't ask to see him. I haven't seen him in over 2 months.

My birthday is coming up and I know that his bd is either the day before or after mine, but I haven't been 100% sure. Of course we had bonded over this shared bd on many levels   So today I went online and paid (less than a dollar) for a service to find out for sure which his exact day his birthday is (the day following mine). I also looked up his very limited facebook page (he doesn't disclose his birthday on it). I haven't engaged in any online stalking since the horrible breakup in february. I feel so sick for having done this. One of the reasons is that I am considering sending him a message on his birthday. Not feeling so great about thinking of doing that either. I know other members on this board have struggled with whether or not to contact their ex's on their birthdays.  I wish he was a NON-BPD and I could just send out normal birthday wishes, to let him know I genuinely care(d) and to wish him well. ALAS... .

I haven't posted much on here, but still reading daily and journaling my progress. It's just that this upcoming dual birthday drew me back into the mental bind. Of course I am also wondering if I will hear from him.

Thank you for listening family. You have helped me so much. Meanwhile, one step at a time, heck, one breath at a time... .

Amigo, we had this same conversation with Eric1 not too long ago.  I dont judge anyone here. I respect you all for being here.  I do however want us to learn from one another. So, Ill say it straight. 

I know you have a loving heart for this person you loved. Birthdays are special. As you said, its a fond gesture to reach out and share genuine well wishes.

Additionally, you feel you need one last experience to prove to yourself what you already know.

I did the very same with my expBPD.

Here's how it spelled out:

I gave him sincere greetings on his bday. A text.  No answer.  I found him later and gave him a card in which I wrote the most sincere words of who he was to me, what I hoped for him... .Which was a good, content  life. And that he should never forget how much he means to this world.  He said thank you and acted like I was a stranger.

He ignored me for three weeks.  Recycled me for three weeks in which time he professed his undying love for me and pure grief that we were " apart."  His deep assurance he would never treat me that way again. His constant work to reel me back in. My full acceptance inside my heart that this indeed was love. It was all in my mind. The bad stuff. Met with his full departure and abandonment the next day. Spilt black for good.

He ruined my birthday for two years in a row and every holiday.

My amigo, do what you need to do.  But, go with the odds. 

[amigo]

Thank you everyone for your support.

Hi Caredverymuch - I am always grateful for your honest and empathetic responses, including the ones to other posters.

Thank you for sharing your birthday/recycling story. Yes, I should go with the odds. 99.9% in favor of N/C including my/his birthday.

I am cutting myself some slack and am not forcing myself to make a decision just yet. Hopefully when the time comes, in about a week, I will be full of strength and resolve.

I must keep up the good fight, for my own sanity.

[KeepOnGoing]

Happy Birthday, Amigo.

[amigo]

Aw, thank you  It's not for another week though.

[Caredverymuch]

Aw, thank you  It's not for another week though.

Amigo,

We here are looking out for your heart 

You know why?

This is BPD we are dealing with. It's not the normal stuff.  It's a life changing experience and we are supportive of our family here in healing, and protective in those on the same journey 

Happy Birthday Amigo.  Your birthday is everyday. The day you were born was a gift to this world.  Your birthday is YOUR day. That's the day you get to wake up and know you made a a difference.  The moment you were born!

You don't need your ex to affirm that.

We all have a beautiful light within. We sometimes just forget it's there.

BPD did a number on that, didn't it?  It sure did for me. It sure did for us all.

Keep your gratitude journal going strong and post here when you feel weak. You are working so hard and doing all the right things.  Can you give yourself a   and look back at how far you have come?

Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people in a hostile world. Same world.

Our choice.

Give the disorder back.

[goldylamont]

if his bday is the day after yours, then i definitely wouldn't send him anything unless he at least acknowledges your bday. i understand how much this means though, my ex left me a voicemail for my bday several months after we split and it meant a lot to me (at the time). but before hers came around i had had enough of her and i didn't send her jack, and glad i didn't because she doesn't deserve it. never give this person anything more than they are giving you. his bday is after yours so you have a chance to see how much he really cares. best of luck.

[enlighten me]

Im in a similar situation with my exgf. My birthdays tomorrow and hers is on the 27th. She asked for my address so she could send my present. We have a son together so I assume its from him. Knowing her though there will be something from her and her other children as well. She was very big on birthdays so Im kind of expecting it.

The fact that I will be sending her a small present from our son and if she sends me one from her then I will do the same isn't because Im trying to win her back or keep in her good graces. Its because its the polite thing to do and even though she has done a lot to hurt me I can still be polite as I will not let what she has done change who I am.

[amigo]

Thank you Caredverymuch. Yes, BPD has done quite a number on us, hasn't it

But there are moments when I see it as that hidden gift, that shows me what I need to work on for myself. To find a way to celebrate myself on my birthday, like you are telling me to. I don't have these moments often, but I do understand that this is one of the reasons the pwBPD came into my life. To teach me to value myself more.

Yes Goldylamont, you are right, I should wait to see what comes from him. My guess is nothing. That is actually why I went through the trouble of ascertaining the exact day. Because for the longest time I thought that his bd was the day before mine, and that would have made the situation more difficult. But this way, I can do as you suggested, not do anything unless something comes from him first.

Enlighten me, good for you that you can remain polite and to the right thing. I wish I was in this situation, but no matter what my action, I know that my ex will either use or twist whatever contact I initiate. It will never be seen as a polite or genuine gesture. Even just spelling that out here, makes it easier for me to deal with the situation. And Happy Birthday for tomorrow!

Thank you all! 

[BuildingFromScratch]

I am cutting myself Oh noo! "some slack" nvm

[enlighten me]

Hi Amigo

Personally my ex can think what she likes. The fact that I may get her a present like I said is down to my good manners and nothing more. If she then decides that it means more than it does or uses it in some way then so be it. In all honesty what she thinks doesn't bother me as its not worth worrying about. As far as using it for something well I cant see what she can do without making herself look stupid.

If she moans about it or tells her friends "look how desperate he is buying me things to win me back" it will not affect me in the slightest.

My situation is slightly different to yours as we have a son together so I have to remain in contact. For you though I don't see the harm of just returning his gift unopened and telling him in a brief but polite note. "Thanks for the thought but our relationship was in the past and I think it should stay there"

[KeepOnGoing]

Happy birthday, enlighten me.

I had a birthday the end of August and my friend with BPD who has not spoken to me in two months did not acknowledge my birthday at all. She has even blocked me on Instagram. I must of had more than 100 Facebook birthday shout outs. It just goes to show me that out of the hundreds of friends and acquaintances that I have on social media, not one of them has blocked me that I am aware of, except for my ex friend whom I believe must have BPD.

So when her birthday rolls around in November, don't you know I've already been stressing about should I wish her happy birthday or not. Because the truth is I do have good manners,  I do care about the person who is sick and disordered, and I am bigger than that.

Now, I haven't had the roller coaster ride that many of you have had, yet!

[enlighten me]

Hi KOG

Thanks for the birthday wishes :-). Currently sat in work on the night shift so not the best start to a birthday but Ive had worse and I bet you can guess why .

[Rifka]

Hi KOG

Thanks for the birthday wishes :-). Currently sat in work on the night shift so not the best start to a birthday but Ive had worse and I bet you can guess why .

Last minute HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

[freedom33]

Bellated birthday wishes Enlightenme!