A goal can be to become indifferent on the leaving board.

[Mutt]

The borderline individual's chance at recovery from their desolate and chaotic state, unfortunately, only occurs in extraordinary circumstances. Recovery requires frequent contact with a person who can simultaneously demonstrate, with unwavering certainty, that they care very deeply for the borderline and that they will not tolerate interference with their own boundaries. Such a person must possess supreme confidence in their own personality. They must be able to manage every kind of attack or manipulation with kindness and understanding, and yet never give in. Giving in to the borderline's merger fantasy, or accepting their withdrawal, rage, or blame, results in the borderline believing they are in control.

All this while constantly putting your foot down and resetting boundaries over amd over and over again.

AJ Mahari a recovered borderline says that if your loved one is undiagnosed and not in therapy that it is best for the non to leave the relationship.

A goal can be to become indifferent on the leaving board. I put serious boundaries down with my ex. It took time but eventually she started to get the picture that Mutt means business. She tests them from time to time but the periods in between are much much longer than a year ago. I understand AG it's frustrating and tiring to have to keep defending the same boundaries. I didn't have to defend my boundaries like this with non-disordered people in my life.

My advice keep at it as difficult as it is and your ex will eventually get the picture  

[AG]

The borderline individual's chance at recovery from their desolate and chaotic state, unfortunately, only occurs in extraordinary circumstances. Recovery requires frequent contact with a person who can simultaneously demonstrate, with unwavering certainty, that they care very deeply for the borderline and that they will not tolerate interference with their own boundaries. Such a person must possess supreme confidence in their own personality. They must be able to manage every kind of attack or manipulation with kindness and understanding, and yet never give in. Giving in to the borderline's merger fantasy, or accepting their withdrawal, rage, or blame, results in the borderline believing they are in control.

All this while constantly putting your foot down and resetting boundaries over amd over and over again.

AJ Mahari a recovered borderline says that if your loved one is undiagnosed and not in therapy that it is best for the non to leave the relationship.

A goal can be to become indifferent on the leaving board. I put serious boundaries down with my ex. It took time but eventually she started to get the picture that Mutt means business. She tests them from time to time but the periods in between are much much longer than a year ago. I understand AG it's frustrating and tiring to have to keep defending the same boundaries. I didn't have to defend my boundaries like this with non-disordered people in my life.

My advice keep at it as difficult as it is and your ex will eventually get the picture  

I have put the final boundary down. No more me in her life. Now the last time I took a peak at her pinterest its filled with things I was raged at for trying to ontroduce to her. Like meditation and anythong hollistic. Also shes asking for stones that will help her stop thinking of her ex which is me. The boundary I layed down now is too little to late becuz there is heavy damage on my brain. I too kep putting those boundaries down which I learned from a previous journey. If you are with them they will keep scanning for a weak point connstantly. AJ mahajari is correct best leave them at the very beginning and leave it to theyre family and therapist and most inportantly to themselves to deal with. I truly wish I never met this woman/child.

[AG]

Btw mine is in therapy and on meds. No change. Same person. Best boundary in therapy or not is keep them out in my opinion. Unless they are fully on road to recovery and showing some serious signs of improvement. Mine cant even apologize without raging afterwards. Smh

[Mutt]

I took a peak at her pinterest its filled with things I was raged at for trying to ontroduce to her.

We all do it but it's best to not look at what they are up to on social media. I told mine I don't want her back. It's her life with the replacement now and I don't need to peek.

The boundary I layed down now is too little to late becuz there is heavy damage on my brain.

I'm not sure that I understand this.

I truly wish I never met this woman/child.

Mine cant even apologize without raging afterwards.

You can radically accept that you met her, and that she doesn't apologize. You can move past the emotional pain and heal.

Unrequited love, or any possible indication thereof, will lead to “talionic” rage, or its opposite, increased clinging, or both, as the borderline attempts to bring their desired lover back into the fantasy of true, deep, and magical love. The borderline imagines this elaborate fantasy to be necessary for their very life sustenance.

As the article states if the pwBPD doesn't feel rewarded then you are denigrated and raged at. The flip side is the idealization and being put on a pedestal if she feels rewarded.

[freedom33]

Hey AG & Mutt,

Towards the end of our rs I was doing much better, I had laid my boundaries and basically the way I was dealing with her was to 1) limit exposure to 1-2 / week (i.e. if arguing one day I 'd see her after a few days), 2) when not with her not think of her and just focus on my work and 3) when with her keep try to keep a detached/uninvolved but at the same time warm and affirmative approach.

I realised that basically the only way to have something with her and not losing it was to not have any sort of attachment to her - A paradox hey? And I thought it kind of beats the purpose.

I still do feel somewhat as a failure for not being the superman that is described at the end of the article. My narcissistic - knight in shining armour tendencies run deep.

Is attachment central to being in/having a relationship? I am divided about this. One one hand I think attachment is central to a relationship of mutual dependency - on the other perhaps there is a way two individuals can relate to each other without being attached to each other - just by means of mutual appreciation and respect - perhaps even in a romantic relationship. Any thoughts?

[AG]

Hey AG & Mutt,

Towards the end of our rs I was doing much better, I had laid my boundaries and basically the way I was dealing with her was to 1) limit exposure to 1-2 / week (i.e. if arguing one day I 'd see her after a few days), 2) when not with her not think of her and just focus on my work and 3) when with her keep try to keep a detached/uninvolved but at the same time warm and affirmative approach.

I realised that basically the only way to have something with her and not losing it was to not have any sort of attachment to her - A paradox hey? And I thought it kind of beats the purpose.

I still do feel somewhat as a failure for not being the superman that is described at the end of the article. My narcissistic - knight in shining armour tendencies run deep.

Is attachment central to being in/having a relationship? I am divided about this. One one hand I think attachment is central to a relationship of mutual dependency - on the other perhaps there is a way two individuals can relate to each other without being attached to each other - just by means of mutual appreciation and respect - perhaps even in a romantic relationship. Any thoughts?

Idk if attachment is neccessary but I do know that the method suggested to help interact with a BPD defeats the purpose of any type of relationship including friendship. If you read stop walkong on eggshells the book suggests that you give no personal information so that the person with BPD has no ammunition to rage at you with. Also it does suggest kinda keeping detached. If youve had any normal relationship or friendship that kinda takes defeats thebpurppse of having a friendship or relationship. Imagine you are at your worst and you go to call your so called best friend to talk about it and have to realize oh wait this is personal let me keep it to myself and hold it in because my friend or partner is BPD and might use this against me later on.

[kc sunshine]

"I still do feel somewhat as a failure for not being the superman that is described at the end of the article. My narcissistic - knight in shining armour tendencies run deep."

I felt that way about the end of the article too-- like, dang, I could have done better in  those ways. My problem was by end of the relationship, when she would dysregulate, so would I that didn't really leave us anywhere good (she'd dysregulate with meanness, and I'd go kind of hysterical, so it was all a mess).

[Loveofhislife]

I realised that basically the only way to have something with her and not losing it was to not have any sort of attachment to her - A paradox hey? And I thought it kind of beats the purpose.

Idk if attachment is neccessary but I do know that the method suggested to help interact with a BPD defeats the purpose of any type of relationship including friendship. If you read stop walkong on eggshells the book suggests that you give no personal information so that the person with BPD has no ammunition to rage at you with. Also it does suggest kinda keeping detached. If youve had any normal relationship or friendship that kinda takes defeats thebpurppse of having a friendship or relationship. Imagine you are at your worst and you go to call your so called best friend to talk about it and have to realize oh wait this is personal let me keep it to myself and hold it in because my friend or partner is BPD and might use this against me later on.

AG--this absolutely defined communications in my r/s with exbfBPD as well as with my FOO--primarily with my father.  Anything can and will be used against me.  And that happened with my father through his Alzheimer's type Dementia. He couldn't remember crap, but he somehow could recall every wrong I had ever done in my life--even if it was made up in his head.  So, yes; my dad tenderized me and gave me a HUGE tolerance for exbfBPD.  Walking on Eggshells?  I will read it.  I constantly had my edit mode on--stressful indeed--soon I learned it didn't matter what I did and did not say.  Like my dad with Dementia, my exbfBPD would just make it up anyway. And there always was hell to pay.

[Blimblam]

Even superman had his kryptonite. I really think the only way would be through strict formal limited contact.  Basically therapy.

[Mutt]

Is attachment central to being in/having a relationship? I am divided about this. One one hand I think attachment is central to a relationship of mutual dependency - on the other perhaps there is a way two individuals can relate to each other without being attached to each other - just by means of mutual appreciation and respect - perhaps even in a romantic relationship. Any thoughts?

That's a good question freedom33 I'm drawing from my experience with a person with borderline traits. The last couple of years she had detached. Was the love mutual? I had thought at the time that it was, now not so much so. It was a one-relationship because narcissism is a dominant trait with my ex. I felt more resentful, depressed and hopeless with her engulfment. When my partner was detached I didn't feel like its a relationship that I liked being in. The last 2 years of our relationship and marriage was her detachment. We were together for 7. We felt like roommates not husband and wife. A very strange place for me to be and painful.

"I still do feel somewhat as a failure for not being the superman that is described at the end of the article. My narcissistic - knight in shining armour tendencies run deep."

I felt like a failure when my wife left because I tried so hard to make things work - to keep things together but she kept pushing.  We can't beat ourselves up over it. On the flip side to the knight and shining armor, we were trying to rescue someone that has an innate fear of intimacy. If our partners aren't truly ready to help themselves and do the work to recover, we can't blame ourselves. Isn't it being Superman for simply trying to do our best?

AG--this absolutely defined communications in my r/s with exbfBPD as well as with my FOO--primarily with my father.  Anything can and will be used against me.  And that happened with my father through his Alzheimer's type Dementia. He couldn't remember crap, but he somehow could recall every wrong I had ever done in my life--even if it was made up in his head.  So, yes; my dad tenderized me and gave me a HUGE tolerance for exbfBPD.  

I'm sorry about your father Loveofhislife. I can relate. I have a narcissistic parent with my father. My FOO gravitated me to a person with BPD traits. He caused a lot of pain and suffering with his narcissism and invalidation and I got attached to my wife's idealization.

I chose to radically accept my adoptive father for who he is. We don't get to choose our parents and I can't change that fact. I also chose to become indifferent to his narcissism and my wife's blaming, dissociative behaviors etc. I have 3 kids with my ex and I feel like I let go of the resentment, anger and suffering that I carried for many years.

On the occasion she was triggered when I picked up the kids and raged or blamed. I'm indifferent to her behaviors. My stomach isn't tied up in knots. I don't feel guilt or that walking on eggshells feeling. I feel free from the toxicity and not affected emotionally by it. I feel like my old self.

I radically accept that this is who she is - a person that can't regulate her emotions like I can. She's unwilling to get herself help and I can't fix that for her. She's going to need to do that for herself. Detachment is crucial to better emotional well being. My spirit and body is aligned. I'm a confident and happier man that  trusts his instincts. I regained that in detaching and I feel like a stronger person having been enmeshed with a personality disorder.

I'm grateful for that because she made me face myself. My own pain and suffering from my FOO. I feel happy, something I really struggled with for 2 decades. I have my own journey now, she has her own  journey now as well.  I left looked to a higher power - God to watch over her. Let go. Let God. Because I care. She is a person just like I. She has feelings. I have feelings. She has problems regulating emotions. I have emotional baggage. The common denominator is that we are people.

Indifference is key. It allowed me to let go of the resentment and triggers. I would hope that my kids mirror that and learn as well. She is their mother and they are going to have to face this as they grow older.

Even superman had his kryptonite. I really think the only way would be through strict formal limited contact.  Basically therapy.

Good point Blimblam. Superman knew Kryptonite is his weakness - it brings pain. He also knew to stay away from it. The sun gave him his powers on Earth - it also rejuvenated him when exposed to Kryptonite.

So let's say my exe's behaviors are my Kryptonite? I loved her with my heart and she caused great pain with betraying me and our marriage with an affair. What is my sun? Myself. I need to love me. I can't find that love in her. I need to be happy with myself before I can share happiness with another woman. I understand people get involved through an emotional life crisis from a divorce midlife crisis and are wounded, out of sorts, depressed.

My ex with BPD traits also tought me that valuable lesson. Radiation, warmth, love comes from embracing and giving it to ourselves  

[Loveofhislife]

Thank you, Mutt, BlimBlam, KC, et. al. It is heartening to consider that this excruciating pain and disappointment can be the enzyme to compel us to a better place: a happier place, a more enlightened place where we may become more whole and able to know love and light and share it with others. It begins with inner exploration and evaluation of ourselves to heal and to love ourselves. Jesus said love others as we love ourselves, yet many of us missed that last part. Somehow I think I believed loving exbfBPD, my parents, and my children WAS loving me--almost by proxy. I tried to love me through others. Thank you for challenging me to look inward for joy. Another verse to which I have clung to in these dark days, "Weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning." Indeed it has today. My heart is open, and my mind is ready to explore "inner space."

[Mutt]

It begins with inner exploration and evaluation of ourselves to heal and to love ourselves. Jesus said love others as we love ourselves, yet many of us missed that last part.

I agree. Thanks for sharing Loveofhislife and reminding those that missed the last part with Jesus and what he said.

I learned a lesson today. Thank you.

"Weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning." Indeed it has today. My heart is open, and my mind is ready to explore "inner space."

I like this "Weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning."

We must not close our hearts. I forgave my wife. She gave me a gift I will never forget and will always be grateful for; enlightenment, happiness, peace, love.

I will share another quote that I like by Rumi "The wound is the place where the Light enters you"

As difficult as the pain from the break-up was I embraced it knowing that I will be OK. I will learn if I listen in that inner space.