Is attachment central to being in/having a relationship? I am divided about this. One one hand I think attachment is central to a relationship of mutual dependency - on the other perhaps there is a way two individuals can relate to each other without being attached to each other - just by means of mutual appreciation and respect - perhaps even in a romantic relationship. Any thoughts?
That's a good question freedom33 I'm drawing from my experience with a person with borderline traits. The last couple of years she had detached. Was the love mutual? I had thought at the time that it was, now not so much so. It was a one-relationship because narcissism is a dominant trait with my ex. I felt more resentful, depressed and hopeless with her engulfment. When my partner was detached I didn't feel like its a relationship that I liked being in. The last 2 years of our relationship and marriage was her detachment. We were together for 7. We felt like roommates not husband and wife. A very strange place for me to be and painful.
"I still do feel somewhat as a failure for not being the superman that is described at the end of the article. My narcissistic - knight in shining armour tendencies run deep."
I felt like a failure when my wife left because I tried so hard to make things work - to keep things together but she kept pushing. We can't beat ourselves up over it. On the flip side to the knight and shining armor, we were trying to rescue someone that has an innate fear of intimacy. If our partners aren't truly ready to help themselves and do the work to recover, we can't blame ourselves. Isn't it being Superman for simply trying to do our best?
AG--this absolutely defined communications in my r/s with exbfBPD as well as with my FOO--primarily with my father. Anything can and will be used against me. And that happened with my father through his Alzheimer's type Dementia. He couldn't remember crap, but he somehow could recall every wrong I had ever done in my life--even if it was made up in his head. So, yes; my dad tenderized me and gave me a HUGE tolerance for exbfBPD.
I'm sorry about your father Loveofhislife. I can relate. I have a narcissistic parent with my father. My FOO gravitated me to a person with BPD traits. He caused a lot of pain and suffering with his narcissism and invalidation and I got attached to my wife's idealization.
I chose to radically accept my adoptive father for who he is. We don't get to choose our parents and I can't change that fact. I also chose to become indifferent to his narcissism and my wife's blaming, dissociative behaviors etc. I have 3 kids with my ex and I feel like I let go of the resentment, anger and suffering that I carried for many years.
On the occasion she was triggered when I picked up the kids and raged or blamed. I'm indifferent to her behaviors. My stomach isn't tied up in knots. I don't feel guilt or that walking on eggshells feeling. I feel free from the toxicity and not affected emotionally by it. I feel like my old self.
I radically accept that this is who she is - a person that can't regulate her emotions like I can. She's unwilling to get herself help and I can't fix that for her. She's going to need to do that for herself. Detachment is crucial to better emotional well being. My spirit and body is aligned. I'm a confident and happier man that trusts his instincts. I regained that in detaching and I feel like a stronger person having been enmeshed with a personality disorder.
I'm grateful for that because she made me face myself. My own pain and suffering from my FOO. I feel happy, something I really struggled with for 2 decades. I have my own journey now, she has her own journey now as well. I left looked to a higher power - God to watch over her. Let go. Let God. Because I care. She is a person just like I. She has feelings. I have feelings. She has problems regulating emotions. I have emotional baggage. The common denominator is that we are people.
Indifference is key. It allowed me to let go of the resentment and triggers. I would hope that my kids mirror that and learn as well. She is their mother and they are going to have to face this as they grow older.
Even superman had his kryptonite. I really think the only way would be through strict formal limited contact. Basically therapy.
Good point Blimblam. Superman knew Kryptonite is his weakness - it brings pain. He also knew to stay away from it. The sun gave him his powers on Earth - it also rejuvenated him when exposed to Kryptonite.
So let's say my exe's behaviors are my Kryptonite? I loved her with my heart and she caused great pain with betraying me and our marriage with an affair. What is my sun? Myself. I need to love me. I can't find that love in her. I need to be happy with myself before I can share happiness with another woman. I understand people get involved through an emotional life crisis from a divorce midlife crisis and are wounded, out of sorts, depressed.
My ex with BPD traits also tought me that valuable lesson. Radiation, warmth, love comes from embracing and giving it to ourselves
