at long last - understanding

[gooddghtr]

Hi. I have always known that my mother was not like other people's moms. I have always known ( and clearly remember the day when i was in first grade and my mom told my brother and me the definition) that my mother's mother was "a hypochondriac", and that was the reason why we rarely visited 'Memo' and ':)odo', my mom's parents. I have always known that at any time my mom could be shut in her room with the curtains drawn for weeks, or cheerfully sewing clothes for my barbie, or cursing me for baking brownies for my dad because "you just want him to love you more than he loves  me". I have always known that in our family we 'pray for answers to prayer' and never talk about the problem. I am 57 years old, and am just now discovering that my mother, and probably her mother, suffers/suffered from undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.

I feel duped by my extended family. I feel betrayed by my dear father. I feel like i should have figured out/known about this (diagnosis) a long time ago and maybe could have dealt with things through the course of my life  better. I know i did the best i could with the little knowledge i had. I am a courageous, intelligent, positive soul despite my mother. I am winning! Most of the time.

My mom's latest blow-up was about three weeks ago. It was the worst we have ever experienced. (She is 76, my dad 83. They both have Parkinson's, dad's is more advanced. Her current form of warfare is to deny dad and i access to each other. I have not seen him in three weeks. They live 1/2 mile away in a 3,000 sq ft house that i built specifically ADA just for them.) Thinking that maybe she was bi-polar, i began an on-line search typing in personality traits mom has displayed over the years. Bi-polar did not pop up, but borderline personality disorder did. I was intrigued. From there i was lead to a blog by a woman named Gretta and WOW! She was describing my mom and my life almost exactly! I cannot express how relieved and validated i felt (none of my friends or my husband can relate) to know that there was someone else that had experienced and understood what i have lived; the ups and downs, the 'i love you', then later 'how can you hate me so',  or the 'your aunt(insert any person here) is an angel', and sometime soon after 'she's a devil and is trying to destroy me!'. 

Borderline Personality Disorder.Wow. Not what i was expecting. PTSD, major depressive disorder, chronic lying disorder, anxiety disorder... .Those were the things that i had heard through closed doors and hushed voices over  the years. Our family has always walked on eggshells because mom had ptsd and anxiety issues. Never, not once, did anyone mention BPD. One of my major beefs, now, is why did my dad's (and my mom's, i guess) family sweep this all under the rug and not give me better understanding and insight into moms issues, better tools to survive and thrive despite her illness? Why did everyone decide that ignoring and praying about the problem was 'best for the children'? Would my brother still be here if the family had made mom address and get help for her issues? (Yes, i believe he would be.) So, where do i go from here?

Hi. I am the gooddaughter. The first born. The one my mom did not like. The one that was always told 'why can't you be like... .your cousin, your friend, our neighbor's child, that person on tv, ... .?  The one that then tried even harder to be good so as to keep the peace in the household. The one that, when my brother killed himself, was told by her mother "I wish it had been you!"  I am a survivor with scars. I have good days and not so good days. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and two unbelievably great grow up children, and yet sometimes i dont feel worthy and i do things that damage my relationship with them. I have never been to therapy, as you can probably guess from the denial nature of my family, but now feel like i need to talk with and could benefit from being supported by people who have walked in my shoes. Still cant believe that there are people out there who do know exactly what i am talking about! How the hell did we survive and flourish?

Grace to you.

[trees]

Our family has always walked on eggshells because mom had ptsd and anxiety issues. Never, not once, did anyone mention BPD. One of my major beefs, now, is why did my dad's (and my mom's, i guess) family sweep this all under the rug and not give me better understanding and insight into moms issues, better tools to survive and thrive despite her illness? Why did everyone decide that ignoring and praying about the problem was 'best for the children'?

I really, really wish I had an answer to these questions. My mom is deeply troubled, everyone in our family knew it; nobody did a damn thing about it. It was always just "that's just the way she is." End of story. My sibling & I begged my dad to get her in therapy a few years back; my dad just stared at us in silence & then kept reading his book. I don't understand it but perhaps a therapist could explain?

Would my brother still be here if the family had made mom address and get help for her issues? (Yes, i believe he would be.)

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what my life would be like if my sibling had succeeded in his suicide attempt when we were teenagers (I didn't even know he had tried to kill himself until we were adults; my parents hushed it up & never got him help.) One of my relatives killed himself a few years ago & it's really difficult to not get caught up in the "what ifs." We can't change the past; we can't control other people's reactions or behaviors. My husband and I just try to console ourselves by reminding ourselves that he is no longer in pain, he is no longer hurting.

So, where do i go from here?

The choice is completely up to you!   It is your life! You get to decide how to live it, how to move forward. It could be that right now you are in a gathering information stage, or maybe entering therapy, or working through lessons on this site or others. What feels right to you? What would meet your needs? Make you feel safe? Happy? Better?

How the hell did we survive and flourish?

I'm still wondering that myself. My & my siblings' childhood was at times hell. Yet, we somehow both managed to have all the outward appearances of success-- good education, good jobs, good stable marriages... .On the inside, though, I'm kind of a mess. Which is why I am here-- looking for answers & ways to deal with my past, my emotions, my insecurities and how to move forward and grow into a more healthy person.

Anyways, I'm sorry I can't give you more answer to your questions but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

[Harri]

Hi Good!  Welcome!  This place is loaded with people who understand and can support you and I am very glad you found this place!  This is a truly understanding place to land.

I am so sorry that you lost your brother to suicide.  I have experienced grief but I imagine the grief suicide causes is a bit different. There are some others who currently post on the board who have experienced the same type of loss, so again, you are not alone. 

I can very much relate to feeling betrayed by your father and the feeling of being duped by your FOO.  One thing I know about my parents families is that back then (I am 48) mental illness was not at all accepted and was routinely swept under the rug unless they did things like walk around with tin-foil hats while wearing a pirate costume and wielding a sword and even then, I think the person was explained away as just being eccentric.     It is not funny and it does not take away the reality that were we left with mentally ill people and had to figure out our own way to function and come through with as descent and relatively intact humans.  It is, as you say, remarkable!  I consider those of us who make our way here and to other sources of help as the fortunate ones.  Good for you for listening to your gut and not just going along with the status quo and for being willing to look within and see how damaging your own childhood was.   I think we have all picked up less than stellar behaviors and self-sabotaging behaviors, but the point is to be willing to look within and take action to change. 

So again, welcome Good!

[Ziggiddy]

Hi gooddghtr

first allow me to say how i feel for the frustration and pain and anger you must be going through. My parents are similar ages to yours and my mother is uBPD. It can cause great confusion and disorientation to discover that your mother may have a disorder and it may take a while to get your head around it all.

I am so sorry you lost your brother in such a painful circumstance too. That certainly compounds things for you. Having someone wish it was you instead - someone who should have been caring for you and comforting you is just horrendous.

As far as your mother or your father's family sweeping it under the rug, so to speak, if you consider their age and generation it simply wasn't understood about disorder back in those days. They may not have known what was wrong and if they had an inkling may well have been trapped in a family dynamic that included emotional manipulation and/or enmeshment and/or fear. you can read more about that here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

To really get a grasp on what has happened and what to expect you would greatly benefit from having a read through the Survivor to thriver guide. I found it no end of help.

That can be found here:

https://bpdfamily.com/surviving_abuse/01.htm

I hope you will continue to post and explore the things that have been happening in your life, gd. It is an opportunity to share and heal with some very sympathetic and understanding souls here.

Ziggiddy