Is she trying to push my buttons

[fred6]

I've been busting my a$$ since Saturday buying furniture, packing and moving my stuff, and getting my apartment ready for living in. The apartment people didn't even really clean the place. So I make 2 trips there today to take a couple car loads of my things. Hooked up the washer and dryer and unpacked my dishes and kitchen stuff. I've been doing all of this everyday after I get off work.

So she comes home to day and says "how much longer before you're gone". And I tell her, it will be a few more days and ask her, "is there a problem"? And she says, "it just keeps going on and on". I then attempt to tell her that, "I've been here for 3 years, it takes time to get things done. I do have a job also. I'll be out by Monday". Then she says, "you have until Monday, that's it". What the hell is her problem? I'm almost out in a few days, what's the hurry? What's the issue now? I haven't stopped since Saturday and I F'n tired.

After everything I've done for this selfish a$$hole in the past 3 years. She cheats on me, lies about it for a month, breaks up with me when she gets caught, tells me to move out, and treats me like total dog $hit for 2 months. I've never really raised my voice or called her any names in 3 years. However, right now I want to cuss her ass out so bad and just leave and go sleep on the dirty floor of the apartment.

Everyday she comes home, she sees things missing that I've moved out. Is she getting anxious about me leaving or something? Is she making me out to be the bad guy here? So now, am I the one that did something wrong and abandoning her? Can things not just go smoothly for a few more days until I leave? What the hell is her hurry?

I'm so F'n pissed off right now that I'm actually shaking typing this. I think she's doing this on purpose. No one has pissed me off this bad in 10 years.

At this point I am 100% positive that she will not recycle, but I pray that she attempts to, and really soon too. Because, I'm want to demolish her emotionally. Hopefully karma really exists for this jackass that has tortured me for the last 8 weeks. 

[Inside]

Yah, they push our buttons… hard   Fred, they’re messed up, and they want us to feel the same.  The good part is, we recover – they don’t.  Yes, Karma will kick her ass, so there’s no need for you to make the effort

It always looks, and it definitely feels like they’ve gotten away with something ... .that they’re calling the shots and are the first to move on.  Fact is, they’re always moving on.  Yah, we learned a hard lesson, that among the segment of humanity that’s nuts, there’s a flavor of nuts called BPD.  But we’ll now likely spot em in our sleep! 

As for her, she’s terminally F-ed up... .  Their disease is incurable, and it’s life-long.  She will continue to destroy any r/s she’s able to establish, they will all be temporary. 

Personally, I think they want to scare us off.  They know how much they’ve messed with us, and deep down know what they deserve…  But they don’t deserve us!  Let her think she’s got you on the run, and stay cool, you’ll soon be free.  They’re powerless to control their own emotions so play games with the emotions of others.  Also, you can freely pity her next host, as they only get worse for wear…

She wants to back you way-off so as to give her space to play someone else.  And, the cooler you are about leaving – my guess is the sooner or more likely she’ll be to look you up... .  She’ll assume she can pull her crap on you and that you’ll tolerate it.  Let her think that – then politely tell her whatever you please if the time comes.

They hate themselves and project that hate onto all who/ve loved them.  It’s no longer a ‘pull-push’ situation with you, to her, it’s ‘grab & kick!’  As mentioned, you’ll recover (I hope).  Her Hell will continue, and, as sad as it actually is ... .she will have earned it.

[fred6]

I understand everything you've said. I was having a pretty good day, thinking that I got a lot accomplished. Then she comes in and ruins it all, nothing is ever enough. And the ironic part ts that I did 90% of things in the relationship. I'm trying to keep my cool, but I'm at the breaking point. She's about to really get her feelings hurt., if she actually has any. The bad part about it is that I know that I'm going to miss her when I leave. Simply fabulous... .

[tired-of-it-all]

Yes, yes they push our buttons.  They do things to us that we wouldn't do to our worst enemy.  To someone that we hate with all our hearts.  When I think of how she has treated me, I have to face that she is a cruel and hateful person. 

[blissful_camper]

My take on this is that seeing you move is making her uneasy.  To express that, she tries to push your buttons, and when that doesn't work, she gives the Monday deadline.  All to open a dialog.  About what, who knows.  Get the heck out, and don't look back. 

[Mutt]

fred6,

I'm sorry this is difficult. My ex chose to move out with her boyfriend. The absolute worst acting out in the 7 1/2 years I was with her was in the last month. I dissociated and I went on like it was business as normal. I was taking care of the kids while she was out having her affair.

Your ex is triggered. Her worst fear - real or perceived. Her fear of abandonment and losing an attachment even if she's with someone else. You are split black. It's confusing and makes absolutely no sense but this from a person with a distorted belief system. She is throwing up FOG. Fear and Guilt.

The other attachment is not secured yet she wants you in case it doesn't work out with the other man. My ex wanted to go out on dates while she was having an affair.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

[Inside]

I was having a pretty good day, thinking that I got a lot accomplished. Then she comes in and ruins it all, nothing is ever enough. And the ironic part ts that I did 90% of things in the relationship. I'm trying to keep my cool, but I'm at the breaking point.

…I’m Sorry.  Ten or so months out – I remember it all-too-well…  They are expert at devaluing others – you just can’t listen to them.  Mine had done the exact same thing; I’d work my ass off for her on any number of projects, she’d arrive – and begin b___ing about anything she could find!  Unreal, and ultimately, intolerable. 

I’d read somewhere around here (from an expert source) that if you’re having difficulties at all in life – a person with BPD is the absolute worse influence you can have in your life.  Mine sure worked that way for me.  They appear to target the tolerant … those actually willing to doubt themselves and value the opinion of another.  And, they can be both subtle, as in silently ignoring your achievements, or outright denigrating.  That’s why I feel it most important to point out to their victims that It’s Not You – it’s Them.  But in the stress of the moment, or life in general… and especially fresh from the mouth of an enraged BP …it’s hard to ignore

Yah, and then we miss em – what’s with that! 

…I remember some of your earlier posts, Fred, and it sounded like you were in the thick of it for sure, and still are…  Hang on to your sanity – You’ve got till Monday

Thinking back, mine really kept me on edge … as if, if she gave me some slack, I’d figure it out – and leave.  Being either constantly harassed or in fear of the same now seems like a hook in itself…  You’re really gonna need some decompression after this, but look forward to it. 

Hey – I finally met a guy in ‘real life’ that had dealt with a BPD woman – we were like instant friends, lost each other to those around us and nearly hugged before promising we’d meet up again to discuss ‘this stuff that nobody else gets.’  I’d suggest you plan some serious time out with the guys  … and feel that may be the only thing that eventually prepares us for the gals…  …assuming we’re not wrecked for life

[myself]

Maybe she's just done with the r/s and wants you gone?

Maybe you're dragging it out because you don't want to let go?

Maybe getting out of there as soon as you can is for the best?

[fred6]

Maybe she's just done with the r/s and wants you gone?

Yeah, that's a foregone conclusion, since she's jumped into bed with new supply. She asked me Wednesday, "did they(apartment)let you start moving things in yet? I replyed, "yes, I started Saturday and I'm about half way done". Then on Thursday she starts b___ing, whining, and complaining. 

Maybe you're dragging it out because you don't want to let go?

I have a lease, I'm paying rent, I'm moving things, I'll be gone in a few days, I'm busting my ass to leave. I'll miss her, but I don't want to be there anymore.

Maybe getting out of there as soon as you can is for the best?

That's my goal. I have a job also. These things take time. She has wasted 3 years of my life and she's complaining about a couple days. No, she's F'n with me, to hell with her.

I won't do this, but I could be an ass and slow down and drag it out as long as possible, she hasn't issued me a 30 day written eviction notice.

[Skip]

She cheats on me, lies about it for a month, breaks up with me when she gets caught, tells me to move out, and treats me like total dog $hit for 2 months.

Fred6, this is deplorable way to treat a live-in boyfriend.  You have every reason to be livid about it all.  Somewhere along the line, she checked out on the relationship and didn't treat you with any decency.

Infidelity is a huge betrayal.  And after it was exposed you got emotionally "manhandled".  Anyone would be furious. You should be furious.

At times like this we can be emotionally flooded - overloaded.

She cheats on me, lies about it for a month, breaks up with me when she gets caught

There is little upside after this.

I know you're hoping she will see the errors of her ways - show remorse and be contrite in these last days of your move - be thankful for all that you have done over the years - recognize that the kids and the cat are part of your heart - even have a change of heart and reconnect her feelings for you... .

I think, however, at some point a relationship is scorched earth.

You have significant betrayal trauma and want her to step up and say she was wrong (she was) and make amends.

She has triggered deep feelings of shame for her behavior and faces either accepting that she is a corrupt person or finding some mitigating circumstances (she's probably bouncing back and forth) or kill all the witnesses to the crime.

At this point, the most she can give to you is far below what you want/need.  And you are a walking monument of her shame to her.

Scorched earth.

[Emelie Emelie]

As Skip said:  You're a walking monument to her shame.  The (few) times since the breakup (#2) that my exBF has witnessed my pain he has reacted ferociously. Torn me to shreds.  And most recently added that he was seeing someone who found him "amazing" in bed.  He can't deal with the shame and guilt so he has to make me out to be the bad guy. I caused all the hurt. I was the one that hurt him. (just how I did that he's never articulated but that's why "he walked". Understanding that doesn't make it any less painful though does it?  I'm sorry you're going through this.

[maric]

I'm sorry for that too, Fred. I'm a victmin of betrayal myself, and I know how much it hurts. I got almost no self-steem left.

Hope you move to the new apartment and new life as soon as possible.

Take care.

[goldylamont]

Fred6 I wish I could give you a hug right now  this is a terrible situation to be in. My situation was very close to yours as far as living situation- together 4 years, lived together 1.5. Breakup and she immediately has a new bf, then almost constant devaluation both publicly and privately during the 2 months before she moved out. The only difference was that she moved out and I kept the apt.

I know your rage and anger. It feels like emotional rape almost (although I do not want to make comparisons to actual rape here, but at the time this was the only way I could describe what I felt).

What I can say is this -- somehow, someway I was able to not overtly attack her verbally, either directly or to others. Instinctually I knew it would be used against me. If your ex is like mine then no matter how perfect you handle this ordeal then she will smear and or lie to others about what you said or did, but I refused to give her fuel. I never called my ex any four letter words, not because she was deserving of respect but because I didn't want to give her leverage and justification for her behavior. This was one of the best decisions I made since to this day I know she can't say anything negative about me that is true. Shell still do it of course but I know for myself its all lies.

My ex's new bf after me lasted 4 months before she discarded him openly flirting with then sleeping with another man to devalue him. In an angry state he sent her texts full of rage calling her every four letter word in the book--which she used against him. Showing the texts to her roommate and friends, even telling me about it. She was proud to point the finger, happy to solidify her fantasy of perpetual victimization. DO NOT BE THIS GUY. Cannot stress this enough. You deserve to be furious but for your own stake, let the next guy play this role in her sick game and stay out of it. Months, years later you will be proud of it.

Regarding you moving out -- make a realistic timeline for yourself, then add at least two or three days to it to account for unknowns. If you think you can be out by Monday then tell her you are shooting for Tuesday and will work as fast as you can. And that if something cones up you should be done by Thursday for sure. Don't justify or apologize for not being able to be superman and move out on her schedule. If she wants to b___ about it let her and try your hardest to abstain from joining in the craziness. High conflict individuals may try and self soothe their feelings of being out of control by dominating, controlling and punishing others. Its a fine line to walk but if you can play this so that you have a reasonable timeline for yourself while allowing her to feel like she is in control this would be best.

You are going to come out of this with a lot of fury and hate when it's all over. But make a promise to yourself to not allow these emotions to work against you now by giving her ammunition. She *wants* you to blow up and disregulate to feel better about her own horrid behavior. Don't give her the satisfaction and then when you are out next week we can work with you justifiable rage in ways that won't hurt you or your reputation.

People show you their true character during the worst of times. You are seeing the truth about your ex right now. Remember this for later.

[fred6]

She cheats on me, lies about it for a month, breaks up with me when she gets caught, tells me to move out, and treats me like total dog $hit for 2 months.

Fred6, this is deplorable way to treat a live-in boyfriend.  You have every reason to be livid about it all.  Somewhere along the line, she checked out on the relationship and didn't treat you with any decency.

Infidelity is a huge betrayal.  And after it was exposed you got emotionally "manhandled".  Anyone would be furious. You should be furious.

At times like this we can be emotionally flooded - overloaded.

No, I just want her to act like  I exist. That I mean something to her.  Like the last 3 years meant something to her. I get it, it's over, OK. Tell me you care about me or something. In her mind, it's like turn out the lights the party's over. I'm at a new party now.

Anyhow, I took 3 loads over to the apartment today. And decided that that I was not going back tonight. Cable TV and internet isn't hooked up yet. But I made sure to take all my liquor that I'm now indulging in, hahaha. And I have the radio, PlayStation 3, and DVD player for tonight.  I don't live like this, odd situation to me.

I texted her this earlier when I got to my apartment. "I'm just gonna stay at the apartment even though it's not ready. I love you with all my heart and it hurts so bad when you treat me badly. I'm sorry for wasting 3 years of your life, ttyl". Her reply, " OK".

This whole thing for the past 2 months seems like a dream. Everything's hazy. Will I wake up back to normal? I just want my best friend back. She ain't coming back, is she?

[blissful_camper]

No, I just want her to act like  I exist. That I mean something to her.  Like the last 3 years meant something to her. I get it, it's over, OK. Tell me you care about me or something. In her mind, it's like turn out the lights the party's over. I'm at a new party now.

During my r/s, I often felt that my ex wanted me to feel how he was feeling.  He acted out in certain ways because he wanted me feeling as he did.  :)o you suppose that she is doing something similar to you?  Since you're moving, she may feel that she no longer exists in your world.  She may feel that she doesn't mean anything to you.  By acting out, and trying to provoke you, she is attempting to experience those uncomfortable feelings through you.  You exist.  You meant something to her.  This is her way of dealing with that loss.  It's not a very nice way of dealing with it, but it's all she knows.  

Anyhow, I took 3 loads over to the apartment today. And decided that that I was not going back tonight. Cable TV and internet isn't hooked up yet. But I made sure to take all my liquor that I'm now indulging in, hahaha. And I have the radio, PlayStation 3, and DVD player for tonight.  I don't live like this, odd situation to me.

Good for you.  You're looking out for yourself, and you're making positive strides to put a buffer between yourself and her behavior.  That's healthy.  

I texted her this earlier when I got to my apartment. "I'm just gonna stay at the apartment even though it's not ready. I love you with all my heart and it hurts so bad when you treat me badly. I'm sorry for wasting 3 years of your life, ttyl". Her reply, " OK".

I think that as you gain more clarity, your feelings will begin to shift.  You will have the space to reflect on the r/s, and can get to work on your own healing.  

This whole thing for the past 2 months seems like a dream. Everything's hazy. Will I wake up back to normal? I just want my best friend back. She ain't coming back, is she?

Honor what you experienced.  Honor your feelings.  Give yourself the space to heal from the r/s.  Focus on you and nurture yourself.  Heal.  You will wake up to a new world out there with lots of compassionate, loving, people who have similar core values as you.  I understand why you want your best friend back right now.  This is a huge change for you, and you're hurting.  How do you define a best friend?  Would a best friend treat you as she has?  

[Blimblam]

She cheats on me, lies about it for a month, breaks up with me when she gets caught, tells me to move out, and treats me like total dog $hit for 2 months.

Fred6, this is deplorable way to treat a live-in boyfriend.  You have every reason to be livid about it all.  Somewhere along the line, she checked out on the relationship and didn't treat you with any decency.

Infidelity is a huge betrayal.  And after it was exposed you got emotionally "manhandled".  Anyone would be furious. You should be furious.

At times like this we can be emotionally flooded - overloaded.

No, I just want her to act like  I exist. That I mean something to her.  Like the last 3 years meant something to her. I get it, it's over, OK. Tell me you care about me or something. In her mind, it's like turn out the lights the party's over. I'm at a new party now.

Anyhow, I took 3 loads over to the apartment today. And decided that that I was not going back tonight. Cable TV and internet isn't hooked up yet. But I made sure to take all my liquor that I'm now indulging in, hahaha. And I have the radio, PlayStation 3, and DVD player for tonight.  I don't live like this, odd situation to me.

I texted her this earlier when I got to my apartment. "I'm just gonna stay at the apartment even though it's not ready. I love you with all my heart and it hurts so bad when you treat me badly. I'm sorry for wasting 3 years of your life, ttyl". Her reply, " OK".

This whole thing for the past 2 months seems like a dream. Everything's hazy. Will I wake up back to normal? I just want my best friend back. She ain't coming back, is she?

Fred I could have typed those same words myself not too long ago. I'm so sorry man. Feel your pain. It hurts. These kinds of "soulmate" bonds have the ability to break through all are bariers right dome to the core of your being. The disorder took your best friend away. The disorder was created by forces beyond your or her control. It's not your fault. And all these intense profound emotions you are experiencing are valid. Please be gentle on yourself there is she indeed had BPD there is nothing you could have done to prevent the triggering if you trully loved her and were close to her. It is literally programmed into her brain. If she was your soulmate man then that best friend is still there within you buried beneath all your pain waiting for you.  Look within. Stay with the pain.

[fred6]

Well, I woke up in my new apartment with my tequila induced hangover and "got to work" getting the rest of my stuff and this move finalized. On my first of 3 trips. I walked in and exBPD had her stepmother there cleaning her up house and folding the piles of clothes upon clothes that she just leaves in hampers and piled on furniture. The only thing exBPD said was, ":)o you need to borrow my dads truck to move your desk?". My reply was, "nah, I'll figure something out". She got pissed and said, "Whatever, just have it out by Monday". Little did she know, that I already had my ex wife's husband on the way to help move my Grandmother's desk. Her 6yo daughter, asked where I was going and I had to tell her that I was moving out. She started to cry, ask why I was leaving, and tell me that she didn't want me to go. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to leave but I have to. And that "I'm not sure why I have to leave, only your momma can tell you that. Just always remember that I will always love you and this is not your fault, never your fault." I then told her that I'd be back in a little while to get some more of my things. She wouldn't let go of my leg and kept begging me to stay. Her mother finally came to get her and gave me the most hateful and pissed off look. I was so sad and pissed off at this point that I had to leave. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. What did she think was going to happen? How did she think her daughter would react?

Anyhow, I return on my second trip and her daughter ran up to my car and said, "are you gonna stay now". I told her, "no, but I'll come see you whenever you want me to, if it's ok with your momma". About that time, my ex wife's husband pulled up with the trailer to move the desk. We get it loaded up and are about to leave. Again, her daughter starts hugging and crying. Telling me, "I don't want you to leave. I replied, "I'll be back in a little while". exBPD immediately said, "We won't be here, we're about to leave".

So I get back on the final trip to get my clothes out of the closet and the last few things. They haven't left yet, but they were about to leave. exBPD told her daughter to go give me a hug. So I got my hug from her daughter. I walked up to exBPD and said, "So is this it? Are we done for good? Are we ever going to talk again?" She said, "ummm, yea you can check up on me and I'll check up on you. She gave me one of those side by side type hugs with one arm and said, "I know you think I'm being a b!tch about all of this". I didn't reply to that, but I handed her the exact letter from the from the other thread I posted. She said "what's that?" and I told her that it was her house key. She then looked at me pissed off and said "WHATEVER" in a pissed off tone. So she was about to drive away and I turned around and knocked on her window and told her that I haven't changed my mailing address yet and to please hold all my mail and I'll pick it up. I also told her to make sure that she reads that letter. Her reply was another, "WHATEVER" in an aggravated tone. I told her, "I love you" and she said in her usual detached and hurried "love you too". I then walked away and she drove away out of my life.

A few questions I have:

Why was she pissed off at me when her daughter was crying and not wanting me to leave?



Is this her projecting?

Why was she pissed off when I gave her the envelope and told her that it was her house key?

It almost seems like she didn't expect me to give it back. Or hadn't even given it a thought and was caught off guard thinking that giving her key back was my finality to the r/s ending.

Why did she say, "I know that you think that I'm being a b!tch about all of this"?

If you know you're acting like a b!tch, just stop acting like a b!tch. She did this a few weeks back after she came home from spending the night with new supply. The next morning she said in a hurried tone while walking out the door(she does this not give the person a chance to digest and reply), "I'm sorry, I know you think that I'm a horrible person". Is this her way of apologizing for her behavior? Is it her guilt and conscience getting to her? That's the only 2 times in 2 months that she has even implied any remorse. It wasn't convincing, seemed more staged and for herself than it was for me.

What is this, pissed off "WHATEVER" that she said a few times?

I never really understand when people say "whatever". Seem like they are just being dismissive of what someone is saying or that they really don't have an answer or reply to someone.

[OutOfEgypt]

At this point I am 100% positive that she will not recycle, but I pray that she attempts to, and really soon too. Because, I'm want to demolish her emotionally. Hopefully karma really exists for this jackass that has tortured me for the last 8 weeks.  

Do yourself a HUGE favor and just #$ forget about her.  Seriously, what is the point of wanting to "demolish her emotionally"?  Just another way to keep her around in your head.  Move on.  Let her go.  Forget about her.  Find what's left of your life and don't let another second of it be wasted ruminating about her -for good or for bad.

One of the reasons I stopped posting in the Leaving board is because it is all the same thing... .all of us ruminating and obsessing about our exes... .how much we hate them, how much we want them, how we wonder about what they are doing or what they might mean by their behavior.  Holy crap!  Seriously, let it go and realize that the only way to salvage what is left of your life is to do so.  You're pissed off at her?  Good.  Let that motivate you to take hold of your own life and let go of hers... .for good.  Besides, you really think you are going to "demolish" a person who destroys people practically for sport?  You're foolishly playing with fire.  Take your life back and forget about her.  Planning her emotional demise is not forgetting about her.  It is not moving on.  It is burying yourself deeper and nothing more.

[fred6]

At this point I am 100% positive that she will not recycle, but I pray that she attempts to, and really soon too. Because, I'm want to demolish her emotionally. Hopefully karma really exists for this jackass that has tortured me for the last 8 weeks.  

Do yourself a HUGE favor and just #$ forget about her.  Seriously, what is the point of wanting to "demolish her emotionally"?  Just another way to keep her around in your head.  Move on.  Let her go.  Forget about her.  Find what's left of your life and don't let another second of it be wasted ruminating about her -for good or for bad.

One of the reasons I stopped posting in the Leaving board is because it is all the same thing... .all of us ruminating and obsessing about our exes... .how much we hate them, how much we want them, how we wonder about what they are doing or what they might mean by their behavior.  Holy crap!  Seriously, let it go and realize that the only way to salvage what is left of your life is to do so.  You're pissed off at her?  Good.  Let that motivate you to take hold of your own life and let go of hers... .for good.  Besides, you really think you are going to "demolish" a person who destroys people practically for sport?  You're foolishly playing with fire.  Take your life back and forget about her.  Planning her emotional demise is not forgetting about her.  It is not moving on.  It is burying yourself deeper and nothing more.

Thanks OutOfEgypt. Thanks for the insight.