Why can't he just say he doesn't care

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I can't get my expbd to just say he doesn't care about me. I feel like if I could just hear him say it, regardless of how painful it is, it would be so helpful in moving on. Because he doesn't, I'm left feeling like he does care, he just doesn't know how to show it.

[Tater tot]

I can't get my expbd to just say he doesn't care about me. I feel like if I could just hear him say it, regardless of how painful it is, it would be so helpful in moving on. Because he doesn't, I'm left feeling like he does care, he just doesn't know how to show it.

[myself]

I can't get my expbd to just say he doesn't care about me. I feel like if I could just hear him say it, regardless of how painful it is, it would be so helpful in moving on. Because he doesn't, I'm left feeling like he does care, he just doesn't know how to show it.

Go by his actions. Words can be lies, or said just to say them.

Does he act like he cares? Do you feel like he cares?

If the r/s is over, why does it matter? Is this a way to still hang on?

If they really cared/could show it, many of us would still be with them.

When you get to where you don't care if he cares, that's detachment.

Show the care you're looking for to yourself. It's in you.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

They like to keep you hanging on by a thread just in case your replacement doesn't work out.  They are cowards deep down - can't be single for any length of time.  Well, at least that applies to my ex.

[Popcorn71]

Go by his actions. Words can be lies, or said just to say them.

Does he act like he cares? Do you feel like he cares?

If they really cared/could show it, many of us would still be with them.

I totally agree with this.  It would be so easy for your ex to say what you want to hear but that wouldn't make it true.  His actions are showing you all you need to know.

My ex coldly told me that he didn't love me anymore and it hurt like hell.  Now when I look back, I think the truth was more likely that he had never loved me at all.  His words weren't telling me the whole truth.  Had I taken notice of his actions however, I would have known the truth all along.

[tim_tom]

They like to keep you hanging on by a thread just in case your replacement doesn't work out.  They are cowards deep down - can't be single for any length of time.  Well, at least that applies to my ex.

This... Not only are you backup, but they may need you for emotional support, an ego boost or something tangible. They are cold, selfish people

[pieceofme]

i posted on another thread that i was subject to my ex's rage last night. even though he broke up with me over two months ago (after he cheated), i am still being subjected to his torment. yesterday he told me he doesn't want to be with me or talk to me or have anything to do with me. this was unprovoked, out of the blue.

for whatever reason, he finds it necessary to say horrible things to me, but this doesn't provide me closure because he continues to contact me, regardless of what he says.

i think you want him to say something to help you move on, but you have to make that choice yourself 

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderline personality disorder is about the need to feel good, by using another human being; it's not about caring or loving.  If he left it's because he was feeling engulfed by you, or felt he was about to be abandoned and was being preemptive, or felt you could no longer be used to help him feel good, to help him soothe emotions he can't soothe on his own.  That sounds cold and all take and no give, which it is, but if you imagine someone who's in constant pain and just trying to survive best they can the selfishness and self-focus is easy to understand, even though that doesn't make it OK.

[Tater tot]

Thank you everyone for such great insight and words of support. At times I am overcome by the support and empathy that the members of this board show each other, strangers. It's powerful and perhaps a reminder of why we can be so damaged by our r/s, because we care so much for others.

Fromheeltoheal- I know how much he's hurting and has been hurt before. I got few glimpses of the true vulnerability over the years. It makes it harder for me to walk way.

Pieceofme- I'm so sorry you are being continually tormented by your ex, who says hurtful unprovoked things. No one deserves that. I guess it's true, the grass is greener, because I wish mine was being a nasty jerk, I feel like it would make it easier to walk away. You are absolutely right, it is a choice to move on, and while I think I've made that choice, clearly I'm stuck.

Tim_Tom- I don't know what I am to him honestly. I don't know that there is a replacement, or for all I know there have been about 10 in the last few months. Regardless he knows he means something to me, because the opposite of love is apathy/indifference and clearly I feel neither towards him at the moment.

Mr. Confused- thanks for bringing up the word coward. I think of him as that many times. I actually called him that once (due to his lack of response) and man do he light into me for it. Clearly it provoked a response. But it's true, he is a coward.

Myself- your words are powerful and true. I need to channel my energies into detachment. He also wasn't able to show he cared about me when we were together (which i pointed out and he ran) so I'm a fool to think he can show it as a friend.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know how much he's hurting and has been hurt before. I got few glimpses of the true vulnerability over the years. It makes it harder for me to walk way.

Yes, because we care and want to help.  There's a line between caring and rescuing, and it's up to us to decide what side of the line we're on, and also a crucial part of detachment is accepting the disorder for what it is along with accepting that we can't fix it, even though we were willing to give it everything we had; that's painful, but it is what it is.  Take care of you!