How do they know when your moving on?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just been on holiday first time ever had great time, feeling strong, have been nc for weeks. Got back last night brimming with positivity - he texts me this morning asking for a favour. I ignore text get five more increasingly threatening.  How come he can just tell when I'm moving on and drag me down?  It's uncanny

[merlin4926]

Just been on holiday first time ever had great time, feeling strong, have been nc for weeks. Got back last night brimming with positivity - he texts me this morning asking for a favour. I ignore text get five more increasingly threatening.  How come he can just tell when I'm moving on and drag me down?  It's uncanny

[Hawk Ridge]

It is weird, like a 6th sense

[Hawk Ridge]

It is weird, like a 6th sense

[crookedeuphoria]

It's such a strange connection we have with them. The other morning I was driving down a four lane street going through a really big intersection. And it was like... .shoom... .my eyes went to the cars stopped at the light (and that road is six lanes, so six lanes of stopped cars) and there he was looking right back at me. It was probably all of one second (but felt like slow motion). My eyes on him, his eyes on me. It was crazy. I was a wreck for the rest of the day.

[merlin4926]

It's mad isn't it. I don't know if I'm just aware of more but so many signs. I'm in a different country this weekend sitting outside a bar all evening.  I went in the bar ONCE just to go to the loo they are playing the song he dedicated to me on my birthday last year. I come out of the loo they are playing a song off his favourite album. Enough to drive you crazy

[BlackHoleSun]

I've had moments like this and when i think about them they really freak me out.

She was into really obscure old music. There were 2 songs she would play over and over. I'd never heard them before, the only time i EVER heard them was when she played them. Anyway, we split up, i left and was driving home feeling gutted, so switched the radio on to cheer myself up a bit. BOOM! Her song was playing. I was totally freaked out. Song ends. BOOM! Her other song starts playing. I was "What the heck?", had to pull over and figure out was happening. The lyrics applied directly to the break up! Never heard the songs again since then!

Another time we'd not had any contact for about 2months. I've got a calendar on my kitchen wall that has "phrases for the day". I noticed a few days in advance that one of them read "expect the unexpected". I just knew what was going to happen! Got to the day with that saying on it and... .BOOM! She breaks 2 months of silence, saying she loves me and wants me back. FREAKY!

Its like they know and its fate or something. Actually, think i'd better go and check what "phrase for the day" i have tomorrow!

[Mutt]

Just been on holiday first time ever had great time, feeling strong, have been nc for weeks. Got back last night brimming with positivity - he texts me this morning asking for a favour. I ignore text get five more increasingly threatening.  How come he can just tell when I'm moving on and drag me down?  It's uncanny

He had a need and felt rejected. The reason why the messages were increasingly threatening is because it's an EB. An extinction burst can be small tantrums or a large scale blow up.

Extinction Bursts - Important to Understand when your Loved One has BPD.

We all know that life is a journey and that it’s important to have focus and objectives. This can become difficult if the person "traveling" with us has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Because of the associated impulsiveness, hypersensitivity, and dysfunctional coping, people with this disorder often "wander off the path". And we often feel compelled to chase after and cater to them, which, in turn, diverts our focus and often results in anxiety, abuse, and dysfunction for everyone.

According to bpdfamily.com, extinguishing this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is an essential first step in having a healthy relationship.  Taking care of ourselves may feel like a selfish focus - but as the emotionally healthier one, it’s important  that we not get bogged down in BPD induced dramas.  And it's important that we understand that our BPD loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading the relationship.

So what do we do?  When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed. bpdfamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them.  Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.



Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.



This is OK, as long as we anticipate it, understand it, and are prepared for it.  The same is true for spontaneous recovery.

They won’t like this, but it is a necessary for them to experience and to learn to self sooth their own frustrations in life.  It is what will bring on the opportunity for change.   When we do it, we block this opportunity for change and we subvert our own emotional health.

We can not allow others to lead us astray on our journey. In time, if we stay committed to our path our partners will adjust.  And we won’t be subjecting ourselves to as much pain.  

Co-authors: United for Now, Skip

[Inside]

They never totally let you go, and often only shove away.  That makes it difficult for us to move on.  They'll move from one to another, and often back again (if we let them). 

My uBPDxgf was/ is a stalker.  She’d not only send questioning text as to why she 'seen my vehicle in a hardware store,' but describe having looked into the windows of a previous bf’s home with a girlfriend of hers!  …one of many   's I’d ignored…

They’ll stalk you on Facebook (one reason I no longer go there), in parking lots, through your friends … I suspect mine even ‘watches’ my daughter at college near where the BP works…  Creeps my daughter out

They drop us because we expect more than they’re capable of doing r/s wise, not for any ‘reason’ they toss at us at the time.  And by their nature they’re incapable of maintaining a lasting r/s …so, they drift between lovers…

- he texts me this morning asking for a favour. I ignore text get five more increasingly threatening.

That bothers me…  …maybe cuz I’ve got two daughters…  It’s one thing for my 5 foot former BP buddy to mess with me - but some guy ‘threatening’ a women concerns me a lot more.  Gurrrrr    don’t feed the bear, and continue to move away…

[merlin4926]

I'm used to it now. At least today I don't feel hooked back in for first time ever. I think his battery has probably died now as the texts have stopped - until the next time he needs something.

Wish all the other 'signs' would go away too - songs, films, little reminders. There's even a lorry company with his surname and wherever I go there's one of their lorrys in front of me. Then there's the dreams ... .don't get me started

[JRav59]

I was in such a good place in August. The minute I went home to visit my mom I got texts of always being sad about us, she will always love me. She wants me in her life. I politely declined talking to her. I wasn't ready. She's been blocked from almost every line of communication since then. 2 weeks later, my BF tells me her FB has exploded with a new girlfriend. That they post every 5 minutes, etc. She wanted a reaction out of me? She got one. It was mean, cold and to the point. Any reaction is a good reaction in her book I'm sure. I refuse to talk to her about anything and if there is something major, her sister will need to contact me.

[Danie14]

It’s very uncomfortable for me. I’ve been thru more than one of these…draw backs? R/S is what you all call it but it feels like a draw back to me. I’m going thru one right now and it’s a doozy. Let me see if I can explain…

I’m done, we all know it. He knows it. Last year he was bad-bad-bad and I’m just done. All the way done now. But…for reasons I don’t want to get into again on this site…I’m not quite ready to actually pull the trigger. Or maybe the triggers been pulled and everything is just moving very slowly.

Either way it still amounts to me being done. I’ve been here before but not exactly “here” with the certainty that I have now. The air is different.

So he’s been ‘nice’ or trying to be ‘nice’ to me. For a long time. I’m accepting the ‘nice’ because 1) I’m not a spiteful person 2) it’s easier to be nice, and 3) I can live in this moment. So he’s being nice to me…with a little crap throw in around the edges that I do not respond to…which isn’t really like me, normally I would ask him if he’s ok, what’s wrong, did I do something wrong, how can we fix this…you know all the typical things to try to make things better. Well, naw, I don’t see the point as I know this is never going to get better and he’s never going to change. So I keep on keeping on. He gets himself over whatever it is and is back to being nice to me again….which, in fact, is unlike him.

He knows he is on his last leg and that this thing is going down. He knows why. He’s trying to…what? Mitigate the demise? Idk really…

What I do know is that in the past I’ve accepted this ‘nice’ as him being sinser that he’s going to change, that he’d seen the error of his ways, that he’s willing, ready, and able to…what?... .address his own deamons…see what a jerk he’s been…idk, whatever but I’d accept that things would get better. And they might get better for a time…then BAM …yup, back in the depths of crap with him again over Heaven knows what…but certainly my fault…

…and I’m done with that. I’m just so done with it. He knows this and is trying to ‘win’ me back…trying to pick up the status quo…trying to sweep it all under the lumpy old rug again.

Not this time.

I predict that within the next few months I’ll be back to dealing with his crap again and things will spiral out of control again and it is what it is. I’m not going to delude myself into thinking anything differently. What’s that called? The EB? Yes, it’ll be EB all over the dang place…and all I can do is keep on keeping on NOT getting drawn back in.

but to the original question "how does he know" because he knows me and I'm pretty much an open book to anyone and everyone.

[crookedeuphoria]

I am done too Danie14. I've been recycled I don't even know how many times, but I, like you, am done done done. He knows it too. I know he knows it. That Spidey sense goes both ways.