BPD and Marriage.

[Ripples]

If they fear intimacy why do they get married? Would it not feel like a door closing on their freedom and independence? And why do their marriages last?

[Spartacus]

I do not know, Ripples. Perhaps it is to feel normal or that things will change for the better. My experience was that it simply reinforced her control over me with me bound by the law and promises and with her free to do as she wished. Her behavior escalated after the wedding to an extreme. She was angry on the wedding day, spent the wedding night in a state of hysteria, crying and shaking for 5hrs fearful that I would change into a monster and that everyone had had an awful time at the reception. Her dysregulation increased and dissatisfaction and anger became so intense from then on that I realized I had to get out to protect my sanity and stop enabling her.

Early on in our relationship she said she did not believe in marriage as it was too exclusive to one person at the expense of all her other close relationships. I was drawn deeper into it and felt like she was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, partly through addiction to the idealization as there was a lot of  devaluing going on. I accepted her view but still went ahead and proposed and her viewpoint completely flipped where she was now saying how she wished I had asked ages ago. Then came the devaluation of my proposal not being enough of a surprise and how this was the one special moment for a woman that I had failed to live up to.

She had repeated panic attacks about being engaged, no one was allowed to call it an engagement. She did an e-course in engagement anxiety to get her through it. It is so sad that there is so much chaos going on in her head. There were so many red flags that I just walked on passed. I suppose my question would be "why do we marry them despite the flags". That's what I'm working out.

[tim_tom]

I think they fear abandonment more then intimacy...

I got the sense from mine that she just wanted me to commit to her, by marriage, and then she could relax with all the jealousy and worrying about everything i did. Like she'd finally have security.

[Ripples]

Jeez Spartacus, you certainly went through the mill. Did you believe things would change for the better too? Everything I ever did in my relationship was in the belief that things would get better. Also, how did she portray your marriage to the outside world? Was it perceived to be wonderful or was she trashing it in public?

[Ripples]

Good point tim_tom. I forgot the abandonment factor. Imagine fearing intimacy but also abandonment at the same time! Now that is chaos!

[antelope]

I think they fear abandonment more then intimacy...

^^yes

other reasons:

-good (successful) outward appearances are crucial for the BPD façade

-impulsivity  

-control

[Spartacus]

Yes Ripples, I though things would get better. She kept telling me that it was all to do with her engagement anxiety, work stress (she was on leave whilst fighting a case against her employers for bullying) and her parents behavior. Then it would be my fault for not being or doing certain things. I thought it was fixable and nobody could be this irrational indefinitely.

But I agree with tim_tom that she feared abandonment above all else. She had a fixed idea of what intimacy was but this was heavily controlled by her.

The outside world saw her and the relationship as perfect and I was directed not to talk about problems to anyone. Even when we had counseling the journey there would be a discussion on what we would talk about. She is currently trying to persuade my friends and family that I am having a breakdown and that I left the relationship where everything was so incredibly happy. I am in touch with them and fortunately they know me better than that.

[clydegriffith]

They use marriage as a means to get something they want.

The BPDx married the guy she was with before me because she wanted to leave her hometown and come to the big city. She trapped the poor guy with a kid and he thought he had to man up and marry her. Like any BPD relationship, that quickly turned sour and then finds me and reels me in with her lies and also traps me with a child. Our relationship also quickly turned for the worst and i thank my lucky stars i didnt marry her. A couple of replacements after me she was engaged to someone she had been dating for a month and supposedly moving accross the country after the wedding. The wedding never happeend because she got caught cheating and a few months after that she's pregnant and engaged to someone else.

Like you really can't make this stuff up. And she does all this like it's all normal with no care in the world. I stopped being shocked by these things a long time ago. I kind of just throw my hands up and shrug now.

[levelup]

I think to my wife, the promise I made to God to be with her "till death do us part" was the ultimate insurance against abandonment.

I think she also took it as a license to do whatever she wanted from that point forward, as she had the assurance, that no matter what she did, I had to stay, as a promise to God.

Then I realized trying to uphold that promise at the expense of all my other obligations to myself and my faith, including my own sanity and physical well-being, was a price too high to pay.

[Dutched]

Because of the dream most of us humans have?

Having a partner, kids, house, dog/cat, career, social expectations?

The intense feeling of attachment and being protected by “the best ever happened to me”?

   (their main issue)

Sorry all, for us it seems strange, but how must a disordered person see him/herself?

So, a relationship is the “natural road of life to walk”