My 20 year old son, texts him

[Loveofhislife]

So after three (3) months of silent treatment, my 20 year old son, texts him (without my knowing), and I suppose he told exbfBPD what a jerk he is and how much he has hurt his mom.  Guess what? ExbfBPD responds and calls my son!

I'm livid--my son is very maturely handling the phone call, but he's being told that the break in the relationship is due to my cheating.  TOTALLY UNTRUE, and something that exbfBPD has not bothered telling me.  My son is telling him that we are coming over to pick up my things and to discuss all the money he owes me.

I'm horrified; I have had a legal team working on this, and my son just unilaterally broke the silence and said this is grown up BS. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE on my son's part. He just wants to get this over and move on with our lives--tired of seeing (and hearing) his mother's upset.

Son tells me, "Just call him; he says he'll talk to you with no attorneys involved."  He won't answer my phone calls X 3.  Because this issue is in litigation, I know exbfBPD is smart enough to call these late night phone calls harassment.

Hours of texting later, between exbfBPD and me, and he continues to go through the crime scene investigation of my going to a concert with a male friend:  not cheating!  He was spying, stalking, whatever.

It has somehow given him reason for three months of silent treatment and refusal to respond to requests for return of my property and repayment.

ALL ALONG--my best friend, who has had his number down after being his neighbor for months, keeps saying, "Remember, love, when he didn't NEED you, he didn't need to contact you!"

Now with the pending litigation, he NEEDS to correspond, and says the reason that he 1. disappeared; 2. moved himself and my personal belongings to another county; and 3. has refused to speak with me---is because I went to a concert with a friend, when exbfBPD refused to go.

Keeping in mind that I have found him on all kinds of dating sites this week, he contends I am a cheat and a liar, and that is the story he is sticking with in court. Too bad his "rap sheet" has a long list of other women who he has taken advantage of financially.

All this to say that, I'm trying to let go; trying to stay NC or LC; but I'm trying to do the moral thing; I'm trying to keep myself sane; and I'm trying to take care of my family and me financially.

At the end of the text conversation, he basically is telling me he needs more money. And that he can't pay me.  :)id I say he has a very high paying job?

I'm totally confused AGAIN.  I'm trying to do the right thing for me, but there are lives in the balance.  Not just me.  I cannot imagine how my BPD Family with children of pwBPD handle this kind of thing.

Help.

[peiper]

Hun remember, he has a mental illness. You can't talk to these people and expect any sanity.

[FoolishMan]

So after three (3) months of silent treatment, my 20 year old son, texts him (without my knowing), and I suppose he told exbfBPD what a jerk he is and how much he has hurt his mom.  Guess what? ExbfBPD responds and calls my son!

I'm livid--my son is very maturely handling the phone call, but he's being told that the break in the relationship is due to my cheating.  TOTALLY UNTRUE, and something that exbfBPD has not bothered telling me.  My son is telling him that we are coming over to pick up my things and to discuss all the money he owes me.

I'm horrified; I have had a legal team working on this, and my son just unilaterally broke the silence and said this is grown up BS. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE on my son's part. He just wants to get this over and move on with our lives--tired of seeing (and hearing) his mother's upset.

Son tells me, "Just call him; he says he'll talk to you with no attorneys involved."  He won't answer my phone calls X 3.  Because this issue is in litigation, I know exbfBPD is smart enough to call these late night phone calls harassment.

Hours of texting later, between exbfBPD and me, and he continues to go through the crime scene investigation of my going to a concert with a male friend:  not cheating!  He was spying, stalking, whatever.

It has somehow given him reason for three months of silent treatment and refusal to respond to requests for return of my property and repayment.

ALL ALONG--my best friend, who has had his number down after being his neighbor for months, keeps saying, "Remember, love, when he didn't NEED you, he didn't need to contact you!"

Now with the pending litigation, he NEEDS to correspond, and says the reason that he 1. disappeared; 2. moved himself and my personal belongings to another county; and 3. has refused to speak with me---is because I went to a concert with a friend, when exbfBPD refused to go.

Keeping in mind that I have found him on all kinds of dating sites this week, he contends I am a cheat and a liar, and that is the story he is sticking with in court. Too bad his "rap sheet" has a long list of other women who he has taken advantage of financially.

All this to say that, I'm trying to let go; trying to stay NC or LC; but I'm trying to do the moral thing; I'm trying to keep myself sane; and I'm trying to take care of my family and me financially.

At the end of the text conversation, he basically is telling me he needs more money. And that he can't pay me.  Did I say he has a very high paying job?

I'm totally confused AGAIN.  I'm trying to do the right thing for me, but there are lives in the balance.  Not just me.  I cannot imagine how my BPD Family with children of pwBPD handle this kind of thing.

Help.

Does he really have a job? I don't get how you can believe a single word out of his mouth... .he has lied to you from day one and basically robbed you. Why does he need money if he earns so much and is so successful? Why did you give him it in the first place?

[going places]

So after three (3) months of silent treatment, my 20 year old son, texts him (without my knowing), and I suppose he told exbfBPD what a jerk he is and how much he has hurt his mom.  Guess what? ExbfBPD responds and calls my son!

I'm livid--my son is very maturely handling the phone call, but he's being told that the break in the relationship is due to my cheating.  TOTALLY UNTRUE, and something that exbfBPD has not bothered telling me.  My son is telling him that we are coming over to pick up my things and to discuss all the money he owes me.

I'm horrified; I have had a legal team working on this, and my son just unilaterally broke the silence and said this is grown up BS. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE on my son's part. He just wants to get this over and move on with our lives--tired of seeing (and hearing) his mother's upset.

Son tells me, "Just call him; he says he'll talk to you with no attorneys involved."  He won't answer my phone calls X 3.  Because this issue is in litigation, I know exbfBPD is smart enough to call these late night phone calls harassment.

Hours of texting later, between exbfBPD and me, and he continues to go through the crime scene investigation of my going to a concert with a male friend:  not cheating!  He was spying, stalking, whatever.

It has somehow given him reason for three months of silent treatment and refusal to respond to requests for return of my property and repayment.

ALL ALONG--my best friend, who has had his number down after being his neighbor for months, keeps saying, "Remember, love, when he didn't NEED you, he didn't need to contact you!"

Now with the pending litigation, he NEEDS to correspond, and says the reason that he 1. disappeared; 2. moved himself and my personal belongings to another county; and 3. has refused to speak with me---is because I went to a concert with a friend, when exbfBPD refused to go.

Keeping in mind that I have found him on all kinds of dating sites this week, he contends I am a cheat and a liar, and that is the story he is sticking with in court. Too bad his "rap sheet" has a long list of other women who he has taken advantage of financially.

All this to say that, I'm trying to let go; trying to stay NC or LC; but I'm trying to do the moral thing; I'm trying to keep myself sane; and I'm trying to take care of my family and me financially.

At the end of the text conversation, he basically is telling me he needs more money. And that he can't pay me.  Did I say he has a very high paying job?

I'm totally confused AGAIN.  I'm trying to do the right thing for me, but there are lives in the balance.  Not just me.  I cannot imagine how my BPD Family with children of pwBPD handle this kind of thing.

Help.

Block him from all forms of contact (phone, social media, etc.)

Continue with legal proceedings.

DO NOT talk or text with him again.

Let your kids see that this is not normal behavior and that abnormal behavior is NOT tolerated.

Everyday I wake up; I think to myself "my kids are watching, what do I want them to see / be taught today".

[hope2727]

Everyday I wake up; I think to myself "my kids are watching, what do I want them to see / be taught today".

Wow how profound. So true.

I keep telling myself he has a broken brain. His logicer is broken so he can't be logical. Stop expecting rational behaviour from an irrational mind.

I tell myself that my nieces and nephews are watching and I have to teach them by example what in not acceptable behaviour to receive or preform. I wouldn't want my 18 year old niece to think its ok to be treated this way or to treat others this way. Period. 

I know you son opened this can of worms but you will have to close it. I have set a boundary that I will only accept communication by email. That is because it leaves a paper trail. Then I blocked other forms except my cell. You may need to set a boundary with your son too. Perhaps even having a quiet discussion like I know you love me and want to see this resolved but this is mom's issue to work through and you need to respect that I am doing it in the best possible way for me.

I am really sorry you are enduring this. You will get through it. I know you have more strength than you realize. 

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex did the same thing Love; constantly accusing me of cheating, which I never did, while she was, constantly.  It may not be helpful right now, but going back to the core of the disorder, fear of abandonment, the fact that you went to that concert with another guy meant nothing but abandonment to him, so he preemptively left you, pure self protection, leave before he got left.  And of course that has nothing to do with reality, only his reality.

I don't know how people who were married to borderlines and have kids do it either, there are plenty of parents on these boards, but it's clear you are still emotionally enmeshed with him, and further contact will only make it worse; you're at the stage of the relationship where you trigger each other, and nothing but chaos can come from it.  I agree with hope27, that your son needs to partner with you in this detachment as well; he may not understand, folks who haven't been through it really can't, but time for a conversation regarding no further communication of any kind with your ex?  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

Hi Love,

, "Remember, love, when he didn't NEED you, he didn't need to contact you!"

You're friend has some very good advice  

Now with the pending litigation, he NEEDS to correspond, and says the reason that he 1. disappeared; 2. moved himself and my personal belongings to another county; and 3. has refused to speak with me---is because I went to a concert with a friend, when exbfBPD refused to go.

It shows his emotional immaturity and control. Take it for what it is. I understand how stressful a partner can be with threats in litigation etc. He's giving himself rope to hang himself. There's no need to help him. I suggest trying to disengage and let the nonsense pile up from his end. hope2727 makes a very good point with e-mail. It gives more ammunition for your L and you need to make this work in your favor when you're involved with a PD.

There's a lot of emotional blackmail. Disconnect yourself from his emotional blackmail. When you write an email think about what you're going to say because it's not only going to be him that reads it. You can bet friends, family, lawyers and judges may read it. Bill Eddy's BIFF. Brief. Informative. Friendly. Firm.

Son tells me, "Just call him; he says he'll talk to you with no attorneys involved."

There's a Karpmann Drama Triangle at play here.

I understand your son has his heart in the right place. You understand that you simply can't talk to exBPDbf.

You could say:

I'm sorry S.  I was advised by my L that it's best to deal with litigation with lawyers. It's better for everyone involved and the L also advised me not to discuss anything about the litigation with exBPDbf. I'm sorry this is tough and things will get better.

Put the onus on L. Which is true. A good L isn't going advise you to talk to exbpfbf. My L said if W (at the time) tries to ask you anything to do with the case say " I'm sorry but my L advised me to not discuss anything. You can call him" It'll get you out of the Karpmann Drama Triangle as persecutor and shift it on the L.


It put an end with her attempts at trying to get her ways after a few continued attempts. It was a boundary and she eventually got the picture. Your S doesn't understand and he really means right. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way with a PD. He's coming from a logical perspective. Kindly tell him it's the L's idea and I have to follow his / hers advice.

[Loveofhislife]

Peiper--forgetting his mental illness is probably more denial on my part and speaks to my ongoing FOO issues--where crazy was normal; Foolish--so true! Fool me once shame on you, and fool me twice (we know how that goes); Going Places--I am immediately going to block him from all social media and great comment about teachable moment with my S. Hope 2727--very sound advice about email only and setting that boundary with all involved. Heal--I had that very thought today--that we have become triggers for each other-- I called it toxic, Instead of communicating with exbfBPD, I want to start focusing on that big dream you suggested that I envision to keep healing and going through this. Best girl friend said there is a definite book deal in this story;-) And Mutt; thanks for being such a caring and responsive Mod for all of us--especially as you are working through your exBPDw issues. Your kids are lucky to have you; so are we.

[FoolishMan]

Peiper--forgetting his mental illness is probably more denial on my part and speaks to my ongoing FOO issues--where crazy was normal; Foolish--so true! Fool me once shame on you, and fool me twice (we know how that goes); Going Places--I am immediately going to block him from all social media and great comment about teachable moment with my S. Hope 2727--very sound advice about email only and setting that boundary with all involved. Heal--I had that very thought today--that we have become triggers for each other-- I called it toxic, Instead of communicating with exbfBPD, I want to start focusing on that big dream you suggested that I envision to keep healing and going through this. Best girl friend said there is a definite book deal in this story;-) And Mutt; thanks for being such a caring and responsive Mod for all of us--especially as you are working through your exBPDw issues. Your kids are lucky to have you; so are we.

Of course they are master liars and manipulators. That's all I told myself for the months of NC hell. My so called heart and brain tried to ask question ps like why and what if but end if day, lies, theft, manipulation needs no explanation. It's simply unacceptable behaviour towards anyone never mind a supposed loved one. Be strong, keep the legal action going and kick this nitemare waste of space to the curb, it's pretty obvious he will end up where he belongs, prison.

[Mutt]

And Mutt; thanks for being such a caring and responsive Mod for all of us--especially as you are working through your exBPDw issues. Your kids are lucky to have you; so are we.

Thank you Loveofhislife. I'm touched by your comment