I understand you that you feel worried. I used to worry alot about things that are outside of my control before I got here.
I'd like to share a tool that I find recenters me and relieves anxiety and stress with situations that I can't control. It makes me feel better, calm. I still worry of course from time to time and she I catch myself I practice Radical Acceptance developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD. It is a powerful tool that is based on ancient zen philosophy.
You have the choice to worry about things that you can't control or accept it.
You sent a private message and as I pointed out it's technology and it's not always perfect. It could of been a server problem with Whatsapp.
I also understand that you don't want to draw attention to yourself with your mates. Some have a little knowledge.
Fact is, you could say the nicest things about your ex. Feelings are facts to a pwBPD. Not facts followed by feelings. It depends on how she feels. So, if she sees you as "all bad" and your intentions are friendly, she interprets it with how she feels.
You can't control how she interprets things based on how she feels. If it worries you that you're drawing attention and you may have to explain what happened. It's difficult for people to understand BPD.
The difficulty lies because she's acting normal in public? The acting out happens when we're alone with our gf and spouses. Behind closed doors and people don't see this.
Often I tried to explain my exe's behaviors I looked crazy. I felt even more frustrated. BPD is triggered by intimacy do the people closest to them see the behaviors.
The best strategy in a smear campaign is radio silence with your ex because it will die down. I also understand that you think she's thinking you're smearing her and you're not. From my experience in my life, my ex wouldn't understand a smear campaign from a non. It is based on her feelings, how
she feels.
Don't justify, explain or defend your position or actions in what happened in your relationship if mates ask. I set a personal boundary with family members and friends when I was asked about her.
You'll find that your friends will respect your boundary and feelings by telling them you're going through a break-up and you you're not feeling up to talking about her and hope that they understand. They'll know it's a subject your uncomfortable with and should accept it without feeling insulted.
Here's a little more on Radical Acceptance. Remember you're causing your own anxiety about worrying. You can continue feeling anxiety or change how you feel about reality and accept it. You'll feel better. You can't control things outside of your control. You have control over how you react to it. I hope that helps.
Radical acceptance was developed by
Marsha Linehan, PhD. from the University of Washington (
see article) and is based on the ancient Zen philosophy that
each moment is complete by itself, and that the world is perfect as it is. Zen focuses on acceptance, validation, and tolerance instead of change. Mindfulness is “allowing” experiences rather than suppressing or avoiding them. It is the intentional process of observing, describing, and participating in reality non-judgmentally, in the moment, and with effectiveness. Etherial as it may sound, Linehan's methods have been independently studied by clinical researchers and shown to be effective.
When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:
* Solve the problem.
* Change how you feel about the problem.
* Accept it.
* Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.
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