so I wanted to fix her , what is "wrong" with me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

... if there is something wrong with me!

Should I not think like abandon her, and get a better healthy woman? is this called co-dependency disorder?


Would not a healthy man, just gone to the next prospect, and speared himself enduring lots of misery ? , what did I try to fix, her or myself ? 

[borderdude]

... if there is something wrong with me!

Should I not think like abandon her, and get a better healthy woman? is this called co-dependency disorder?


Would not a healthy man, just gone to the next prospect, and speared himself enduring lots of misery ? , what did I try to fix, her or myself ? 

[Mutt]

What do you feel like you where trying to fix in the r/s?

[borderdude]

What do you feel like you where trying to fix in the r/s?

To fix the rs, I needed to fix her bad traits relating to her disorder. So I felt an urge to change her in order for me to be happy ,

when I think about it , I made her responsible for my happiness.

[Mutt]

I can relate. I wanted my ex to change so things would change. I learned it doesn't work that way.

when I think about it , I made her responsible for my happiness.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Do you mean to find happiness is through someone else?

[borderdude]

I can relate. I wanted my ex to change so things would change. I learned it doesn't work that way.

when I think about it , I made her responsible for my happiness.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Do you mean to find happiness is through someone else?

Yes I think you're right, if I cannot fix her I will not become happy. What scears me is that my urge to fix was so strong , I almost gave up my self , and my activities, became so dependent on her actions.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines want true, deep, magical love, an idealization and a fantasy, which is why something that seems like a deep, intimate relationship happens so quickly, because it's a fantasy.  There's lots of uncertainty at the beginning of all relationships, as both people bring their expectations, desires, and history to the relationship, two people who don't really know each other yet, but are forming a new bond heavy with emotion.  That's normal.  And when it becomes clear that the chaos and uncertainty is over the top, not normal for even the beginning of a romantic relationship, the healthiest among us bail quickly.  And then some of us, like me, forge ahead anyway, ignore things that would be certain dealbreakers, which gets compounded by the fact that once a borderline senses that their idealized fantasy isn't happening, as it shouldn't since it's a fantasy, they assign the blame to us, refusing to take responsibility, a defense mechanism.  If we buy into that, we try harder, and on and on, into insanity we go... .

So what's the lesson?  First off it's good you put the word "wrong" in quotes; it's a lousy question.  If we ask our brain what's "wrong" with us, it will come up with countless things, disempowering.  How about 'what can I learn from this?' or 'what behaviors do I need to change in the future, so I don't go down that path again?'  Caring about someone and making their needs a priority are healthy, although wanting to 'fix' someone, not so much; a healthy relationship is a partnership between two independent, autonomous people.  How do we stay aware and centered enough so that when it's clear we aren't with someone who meets that description, we end it quickly, or never start it to begin with?

[borderdude]

Borderlines want true, deep, magical love, an idealization and a fantasy, which is why something that seems like a deep, intimate relationship happens so quickly, because it's a fantasy.  There's lots of uncertainty at the beginning of all relationships, as both people bring their expectations, desires, and history to the relationship, two people who don't really know each other yet, but are forming a new bond heavy with emotion.  That's normal.  And when it becomes clear that the chaos and uncertainty is over the top, not normal for even the beginning of a romantic relationship, the healthiest among us bail quickly.  And then some of us, like me, forge ahead anyway, ignore things that would be certain dealbreakers, which gets compounded by the fact that once a borderline senses that their idealized fantasy isn't happening, as it shouldn't since it's a fantasy, they assign the blame to us, refusing to take responsibility, a defense mechanism.  If we buy into that, we try harder, and on and on, into insanity we go... .

So what's the lesson?  First off it's good you put the word "wrong" in quotes; it's a lousy question.  If we ask our brain what's "wrong" with us, it will come up with countless things, disempowering.  How about 'what can I learn from this?' or 'what behaviors do I need to change in the future, so I don't go down that path again?'  Caring about someone and making their needs a priority are healthy, although wanting to 'fix' someone, not so much; a healthy relationship is a partnership between two independent, autonomous people.  How do we stay aware and centered enough so that when it's clear we aren't with someone who meets that description, we end it quickly, or never start it to begin with?

I have a friend wich has endured  BPD rs in 15+ years of misery. He is now a drunk, not able to forget her, she tries sometimes to drag him in , just to exploit him for money , alcohol, he then tries to solve her problems in the hope she gain respect for him and returns ( oh yes, that day never comes).

He displays codependent behaviour , people pleaser traits bigtime.


What I have learned is that , BPD women can be  extremely destructive , they even might destroy lifes and carreers in this case.


Myself I just played with the fire , and I saw I have those codependent traits myself, the BPD person really got them working in me.

I am not a people pleaser, but my uppbringing made me predisposed for that behaviour, since I was teached to always fullfill my mothers raging demands.

She had typical traits from a bipolar and BPD behaviour. I never learned to put my needs first, I was always "reading" my mother to predict what she might gonna be doing or crave.

[christoff522]

... if there is something wrong with me!

Should I not think like abandon her, and get a better healthy woman? is this called co-dependency disorder?

No, The issue was this, you met her and fell for her, by the time she became batsh!t you were already so invested that it seemed easier in your mind to fix what was wrong rather than escape... this is called being a man who loves his woman and wants to help her, to be powerful and in control.

Would not a healthy man, just gone to the next prospect, and speared himself enduring lots of misery ? , what did I try to fix, her or myself ? 

Actually no, it's well known amongst PUA circles that the BPD is the nemesis of the player. You pull a BPD, she WILL bring you down. The average alpha male simply sees the signs and runs, the average man, does not notice these signs until it's too late, by that time you're hooked. Honestly, you cannot blame her or yourself, her cos she's crazy, you because you were ignorant and addicted.

[borderdude]

... if there is something wrong with me!

Should I not think like abandon her, and get a better healthy woman? is this called co-dependency disorder?

No, The issue was this, you met her and fell for her, by the time she became batsh!t you were already so invested that it seemed easier in your mind to fix what was wrong rather than escape... this is called being a man who loves his woman and wants to help her, to be powerful and in control.

Would not a healthy man, just gone to the next prospect, and speared himself enduring lots of misery ? , what did I try to fix, her or myself ? 

Actually no, it's well known amongst PUA circles that the BPD is the nemesis of the player. You pull a BPD, she WILL bring you down. The average alpha male simply sees the signs and runs, the average man, does not notice these signs until it's too late, by that time you're hooked. Honestly, you cannot blame her or yourself, her cos she's crazy, you because you were ignorant and addicted.

That was some good replies, very logical, thankyou.

[fromheeltoheal]

Myself I just played with the fire , and I saw I have those codependent traits myself, the BPD person really got them working in me.

I am not a people pleaser, but my uppbringing made me predisposed for that behaviour, since I was teached to always fullfill my mothers raging demands.

Good awareness, and great that you didn't get in as deeply as your friend did.  I am the same: raging mother and a relatively short stint with a borderline, but it awakened all of the predispositions you mention, and that's the good news for us, awareness is the first step, and just think how awesome life will be when we take these lessons and enter new, healthy relationships.  Take care of you!

[borderdude]

Myself I just played with the fire , and I saw I have those codependent traits myself, the BPD person really got them working in me.

I am not a people pleaser, but my uppbringing made me predisposed for that behaviour, since I was teached to always fullfill my mothers raging demands.

Good awareness, and great that you didn't get in as deeply as your friend did.  I am the same: raging mother and a relatively short stint with a borderline, but it awakened all of the predispositions you mention, and that's the good news for us, awareness is the first step, and just think how awesome life will be when we take these lessons and enter new, healthy relationships.  Take care of you!

Thankyou

I was "lucky" enough to endure another short BPD rs some years ago, so I detected the red lights early on, but even that was not enough , another guy was sucked in by her, luckily for me. I was looking at really immature options for taking her back, now I hopefully harvest the fruits of my suffering and have space for a new healty woman in my life, witch I hope will lead somwhere.

I after communicating with an BPD for a while I see the value of having a sound woman I can trust. My BPD lived in a fantacy world, manipulative. My new potential partner lives in the real world, she craves honesty, she is not a sex object but a real person that wants my presence, and likes me for what I am , bringing the the best out of me, influating me in a positive way. I am already more positive , focused, ppl see the difference already, I was relly in a spell, or BPD fog.

[christoff522]

Myself I just played with the fire , and I saw I have those codependent traits myself, the BPD person really got them working in me.

I am not a people pleaser, but my uppbringing made me predisposed for that behaviour, since I was teached to always fullfill my mothers raging demands.

Good awareness, and great that you didn't get in as deeply as your friend did.  I am the same: raging mother and a relatively short stint with a borderline, but it awakened all of the predispositions you mention, and that's the good news for us, awareness is the first step, and just think how awesome life will be when we take these lessons and enter new, healthy relationships.  Take care of you!

Thankyou

I was "lucky" enough to endure another short BPD rs some years ago, so I detected the red lights early on, but even that was not enough , another guy was sucked in by her, luckily for me. I was looking at really immature options for taking her back, now I hopefully harvest the fruits of my suffering and have space for a new healty woman in my life, witch I hope will lead somwhere.

I after communicating with an BPD for a while I see the value of having a sound woman I can trust. My BPD lived in a fantacy world, manipulative. My new potential partner lives in the real world, she craves honesty, she is not a sex object but a real person that wants my presence, and likes me for what I am , bringing the the best out of me, influating me in a positive way. I am already more positive , focused, ppl see the difference already, I was relly in a spell, or BPD fog.

I also see the difference, I am still in communication with my BPD, and am talking to a 'normal' prospective partner. I've had about the same communication with both today, however I see a marked difference. My BPD has spent the day "chilling" with her new boy and has "big news that [she] can't tell anyone yet" whereas the normal girl has been telling me about her day at work and asking me about mine, had a little flirt with me, and actually, genuinely communicates information to me rather than sh!t testing me to see how interested I am. It's nice, and brings a smile to my face, yet just a few minutes of talking to the BPD has me worrying that she's pregnant, wondering how long her new relationship is going to last, and finally just thinking f*** it who cares.

Its funny, I go into minor fogs, then come out stronger each time. I find myself just using filler like "I'm happy for you" or "I'm excited for you" or "that's lovely", simply because I don't know what to say, nor do I care to take the time to think it up. For me this is better than NC, because I feel like in going through this I'm actually getting less and less interested in her and more interested in my new girl.

I actually kinda get a cheap thrill from thinking that one day my fb status will be "in a relationship with... ." and my BPD realises that her ship has sailed and it's actually over. I'm sure she detects this anyway in our conversations. Usually I'd be playing games, or trying to flirt with her. But now literally when she said she had big news I replied "you're either pregnant, engaged or moving in with (new man) xx", for me i was slightly worried, but not a trillionth as I would have been just a month ago. I'm not saying the new girl is a crutch, but it's certainly a release for me to see the difference and realise how stupid and shallow I've been. My BPD is smoking hot, my new girl is not. But... the real difference here is that I do find her attractive, just not superficially, she's a pretty girl but I just love the fact that she's NOT CRAZY, and I can actually talk to her! It's so refreshing.

I mean the other day BPD says to me "haha my expression at college is 'can't be doing with this, going razor blade me wrists' so funny"

Seriously she said that. Thats the level of crazy.

You can't fix that, only move on from it.

[borderdude]

Myself I just played with the fire , and I saw I have those codependent traits myself, the BPD person really got them working in me.

I am not a people pleaser, but my uppbringing made me predisposed for that behaviour, since I was teached to always fullfill my mothers raging demands.

Good awareness, and great that you didn't get in as deeply as your friend did.  I am the same: raging mother and a relatively short stint with a borderline, but it awakened all of the predispositions you mention, and that's the good news for us, awareness is the first step, and just think how awesome life will be when we take these lessons and enter new, healthy relationships.  Take care of you!

Thankyou

I was "lucky" enough to endure another short BPD rs some years ago, so I detected the red lights early on, but even that was not enough , another guy was sucked in by her, luckily for me. I was looking at really immature options for taking her back, now I hopefully harvest the fruits of my suffering and have space for a new healty woman in my life, witch I hope will lead somwhere.

I after communicating with an BPD for a while I see the value of having a sound woman I can trust. My BPD lived in a fantacy world, manipulative. My new potential partner lives in the real world, she craves honesty, she is not a sex object but a real person that wants my presence, and likes me for what I am , bringing the the best out of me, influating me in a positive way. I am already more positive , focused, ppl see the difference already, I was relly in a spell, or BPD fog.

I also see the difference, I am still in communication with my BPD, and am talking to a 'normal' prospective partner. I've had about the same communication with both today, however I see a marked difference. My BPD has spent the day "chilling" with her new boy and has "big news that [she] can't tell anyone yet" whereas the normal girl has been telling me about her day at work and asking me about mine, had a little flirt with me, and actually, genuinely communicates information to me rather than sh!t testing me to see how interested I am. It's nice, and brings a smile to my face, yet just a few minutes of talking to the BPD has me worrying that she's pregnant, wondering how long her new relationship is going to last, and finally just thinking f*** it who cares.

Its funny, I go into minor fogs, then come out stronger each time. I find myself just using filler like "I'm happy for you" or "I'm excited for you" or "that's lovely", simply because I don't know what to say, nor do I care to take the time to think it up. For me this is better than NC, because I feel like in going through this I'm actually getting less and less interested in her and more interested in my new girl.

I actually kinda get a cheap thrill from thinking that one day my fb status will be "in a relationship with... ." and my BPD realises that her ship has sailed and it's actually over. I'm sure she detects this anyway in our conversations. Usually I'd be playing games, or trying to flirt with her. But now literally when she said she had big news I replied "you're either pregnant, engaged or moving in with (new man) xx", for me i was slightly worried, but not a trillionth as I would have been just a month ago. I'm not saying the new girl is a crutch, but it's certainly a release for me to see the difference and realise how stupid and shallow I've been. My BPD is smoking hot, my new girl is not. But... the real difference here is that I do find her attractive, just not superficially, she's a pretty girl but I just love the fact that she's NOT CRAZY, and I can actually talk to her! It's so refreshing.

I mean the other day BPD says to me "haha my expression at college is 'can't be doing with this, going razor blade me wrists' so funny"

Seriously she said that. Thats the level of crazy.

You can't fix that, only move on from it.

What a great read, My BPD was hot and charming, but extremly immature. She needed a rs, for displaying her normality, but not the person in it, I was a tool for her construct. The way you have chosen your new partner displays  maturity, at least far beyond mine. In my case I must meet reality after living the BPD's fantasy, in 3months I have read BPD litterature trying to fix her, what a waste of time, really codependent behaviour. Hope I can make use of this knowledge in a normal rs, a BPD rs is really not for beginners.


My BPD ex, is now smiling like a little kid, look I am in a rs, so proud and immature, reminds me of a lo teen girl, while she is 40yo pluss, gives me the creep... .I know she will never change, and I am worried she will be impregnant to lure the new object into marriage or something similar. She does anything to keep him, and I mean anything, spooky. They got engaged after a month, the dates have been shifted multiple times , making the impression their rs lasted longer, she added 1yr to the rs duration already. What a nice feeling being independent from this crazyness.

[neverloveagain]

borderline senses that their idealized fantasy isn't happening, as it shouldn't since it's a fantasy, they assign the blame to us, refusing to take responsibility, a defense mechanism.  If we buy into that, we try harder, and on and on, into insanity we go... .

I hear that didnt we all take a dance into insanity ville , my ex 'hoped' she would get better with me but of course she didnt in the end and my white night now lays dead and maybee thats no bad thing.

[Perfidy]

Hi border dude, hope everything is well with you. Can't fix nobody. Maybe not even you. If there is anybody you can fix, that would be you. It's not really an illusion because its real. It's like an illusion. Not sustainable. Short lived. It's all good because our lives as humans are held in the arms of impermance anyway. Guess that after this one there will be another. Kind of the way we roll. Good and bad are just the prejudice we assign to what we don't understand. Knowledge is the answer. How could we know unless we try. Try is another word for fail. Best wishes.

[camuse]

Myself I just played with the fire , and I saw I have those codependent traits myself, the BPD person really got them working in me.

I am not a people pleaser, but my uppbringing made me predisposed for that behaviour, since I was teached to always fullfill my mothers raging demands.

Good awareness, and great that you didn't get in as deeply as your friend did.  I am the same: raging mother and a relatively short stint with a borderline, but it awakened all of the predispositions you mention, and that's the good news for us, awareness is the first step, and just think how awesome life will be when we take these lessons and enter new, healthy relationships.  Take care of you!

Thankyou

I was "lucky" enough to endure another short BPD rs some years ago, so I detected the red lights early on, but even that was not enough , another guy was sucked in by her, luckily for me. I was looking at really immature options for taking her back, now I hopefully harvest the fruits of my suffering and have space for a new healty woman in my life, witch I hope will lead somwhere.

I after communicating with an BPD for a while I see the value of having a sound woman I can trust. My BPD lived in a fantacy world, manipulative. My new potential partner lives in the real world, she craves honesty, she is not a sex object but a real person that wants my presence, and likes me for what I am , bringing the the best out of me, influating me in a positive way. I am already more positive , focused, ppl see the difference already, I was relly in a spell, or BPD fog.

I also see the difference, I am still in communication with my BPD, and am talking to a 'normal' prospective partner. I've had about the same communication with both today, however I see a marked difference. My BPD has spent the day "chilling" with her new boy and has "big news that [she] can't tell anyone yet" whereas the normal girl has been telling me about her day at work and asking me about mine, had a little flirt with me, and actually, genuinely communicates information to me rather than sh!t testing me to see how interested I am. It's nice, and brings a smile to my face, yet just a few minutes of talking to the BPD has me worrying that she's pregnant, wondering how long her new relationship is going to last, and finally just thinking f*** it who cares.

Its funny, I go into minor fogs, then come out stronger each time. I find myself just using filler like "I'm happy for you" or "I'm excited for you" or "that's lovely", simply because I don't know what to say, nor do I care to take the time to think it up. For me this is better than NC, because I feel like in going through this I'm actually getting less and less interested in her and more interested in my new girl.

I actually kinda get a cheap thrill from thinking that one day my fb status will be "in a relationship with... ." and my BPD realises that her ship has sailed and it's actually over. I'm sure she detects this anyway in our conversations. Usually I'd be playing games, or trying to flirt with her. But now literally when she said she had big news I replied "you're either pregnant, engaged or moving in with (new man) xx", for me i was slightly worried, but not a trillionth as I would have been just a month ago. I'm not saying the new girl is a crutch, but it's certainly a release for me to see the difference and realise how stupid and shallow I've been. My BPD is smoking hot, my new girl is not. But... the real difference here is that I do find her attractive, just not superficially, she's a pretty girl but I just love the fact that she's NOT CRAZY, and I can actually talk to her! It's so refreshing.

I mean the other day BPD says to me "haha my expression at college is 'can't be doing with this, going razor blade me wrists' so funny"

Seriously she said that. Thats the level of crazy.

You can't fix that, only move on from it.

Nice post Once you stop missing the addictive all-action BPD drama, there's something so pleasant and peaceful about a normal chat about your day, a little flirt and deciding what to have for dinner... .

[Perfidy]

BTW... .There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with anybody. We all share the afflictions that make us human. Even Columbus was human and his inate existence was more horrific than the one of Hitler. You'll have that from time to time.