BPDxbf suicidal - please help

[Jessica84]

I don't know if this is the right place. I originally started on the "leaving" board to cope with a breakup from last week, since he left me for the 90th time! But I thought this section might have better resources for this. My exBPDbf called me today severely depressed and suicidal. I stayed calm but now I am panicking!

He said he was glad he didn't own a gun because of how impulsive he is feeling right now. What should I do? How do I talk to him? Should I make the next contact or wait and just be there for him? Being an "ex" seems to have a whole different set of rules. We are remaining friends, against all the advice not to do so. I recognize this time it wasn't really about me. It's about him and this horrible disorder. He's in his 50s and finally looking to get help. For someone who just pushed me away, I've never seen him so quick to come back and make contact. It's only been 1 week, and he's called or texted about every other day. Trivial stuff. Almost searching for something positive to say about what happened that day, like a fake happy person. Today he asked me why I haven't told him to take a hike yet? I kind of wonder that myself! But I've learned so much about BPD that I reacted differently this time. Truth is I didn't feel as rejected, scorned, or angry. Confused, yes. But mostly I feel love for him, compassion.

I'm not the classic savior type, but I can't help but show kindness to people in general, and especially someone I care about who is suffering. He said he started taking his anti-depressants again today. He hates those but is scared that without them, he could do something awful. He has a doc appt next week. I told him depression isn't something he can will away. It's not a weakness. He needs to take the meds and see his therapist. He said this depression keeps coming back every year and apologized for hurting me. Looking back, I see it has, every year he goes into a zombie-like state at this time of year, and almost always it was followed by some destructive reckless behavior, mostly inviting trouble with other women (flirting like a hound dog in heat) or overspending/gambling. His impulsive nature kept causing trouble in the r/s.

He seemed sincere on the phone, a little desperate but not for a reconciliation. This didn't feel like a game, manipulation, or an excuse for his behavior, but a genuine cry for help. Someone who needed a friend. He is so macho I'm sure this wasn't an easy call for him to make. He apologized for sounding "needy" repeatedly but wanted to tell me how he was feeling. He wanted to make sure I knew. I tried to validate him the best I could, even got him to laugh a little.

This suicide ideation seems to be getting worse and is really scaring me. Are there resources? Advice on how to talk to him about this? As his ex, do I have any role here? Did I say or do anything I shouldn't have? Talk about walking on eggshells! I'm not equipped for this. Bad enough I could say one wrong word and he'd get mad, pick a fight and discard me like an old shoe, but if I say something wrong this time he could hurt himself. I can't fix what's wrong with him. I told him I had no idea what he needed exactly, but that I was there for him. He said that was enough. That I'm a "bright light" in his "world of darkness". He said he can't believe how I could be so positive even when he (or life) wasn't always so nice to me. Of course I'm still a little hurt over the breakup, but I kept the focus on him. Told him to take care of himself because a few people in this dark world care a great deal about him. He ended the call with "Thank you. I'm sorry I am the way I am. I love you."

Sorry for being all over the place. Any help is appreciated. Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

First of all, Jessica84, it sounds like you've done a really good job of dealing with this dysregulation and his Suicidal Ideations so far... .De-personalizing his actions and problems is exactly the way to view them, and being supportive cannot ever hurt. I do have some Articles for you to check out to help you in this situation:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

How to help a Borderline get into Therapy

Supporting a Child in Therapy for BPD (but this Article is really about supporting any loved one with BPD, in Therapy in or not, a child or not--the circumstances, symptoms and behaviors are all the same). This Article is very insightful and loaded with wonderful advice and tips for working with our BPD loved ones... .

I think you came to the right place for the right information, Jessica84. All of the links to the right-had side of this page (including the Safety First! link, and everything else from top to bottom) will be beneficial to you in trying to manage your own feelings and desire to help.

Is your Ex safe right now? Is he--or anyone else--willing to call a Hotline number or 911, if he tips off the edge of his depression? I believe that the resources in the links I've given you will be able to answer your questions... .Please let us know if you need clarifications, or just want to ask more questions. We do want to help 

[Jessica84]

Thank you! I didn't know where to turn. I will read through all of these. Thank you again for responding so quickly.

I don't know if he's safe, he lives alone. But he works everyday so he is around lots of other people. He's told 2 other trusted friends he works with. Hopefully they will look out for him.

[Rapt Reader]

That does sound promising, Jessica84.

Having a job to go to with people who care about him and know his situation is really helpful... .Let us know what you think of the information at the links, and if you have any other questions.

And keep us in the loop; let us know how he is doing (and you, too!), Okay? 

[maxsterling]

Hi Jessica.  I'm not sure I can offer you much advice because I am in the thick of my fiancé threatening suicide, and right now I am just emotionally exhausted.  Dealing with someone who is contemplating or threatening suicide is the scariest situation I have been in my life, so I know how exhausted and confused and scared you must feel.

Remember, this is not about you at all - nothing you did to cause and nothing you can do to fix.  The best I can suggest is to do your best to be strong and supportive, and it sounds like you are already doing just that   Coming on here and asking for advice, or talking to a counselor for yourself can really help you through this. 

[Jessica84]

I am "here" for him. But he is "there". We are no longer together so I'm wondering if he's feeling guilt over the breakup. He usually does, or at least expresses remorse, eventually. There's no replacement that I can tell.

Even if we were still dating, I'm not sure calling to see if he's ok would go over well. I speak only for myself but I don't think I'd appreciate someone doing that to me, like all worried or sympathetic. That would make me feel patronized and pathetic. What does a pwBPD think in a situation like this though? That someone cares... or that someone feels sorry for him? I just want to know if he's ok and assure him he's not alone. But without him turning on me or going silent. I'm in an awful pickle... .

[Jessica84]

Sorry maxsterling. I see you're in the same pickle!

[Jessica84]

Crisis averted, for now. After we spoke he went on a social media frenzy so he seems to be back to his "normal" self. Maybe he just needed a little comfort and validation. I'll just be there for him if he hits another low point.

I'm really not comfortable babying him. He is a grown man and deserves to be treated as one. Checking on him could make him feel worse, like a child, or like I'm using this to get back together. I'm trying to respect him and his space. He chose to end our r/s. This friendship thing may tear me apart, but I can't abandon a friend in need. Thanks for all the links and support.