Dealing with shifting "truths"

[Wantbetter]

I am finding it very difficult to deal with my husband's "truths". He will spend weeks saying he is not an angry person, doesn't understand why either I or his therapist would think he is angry, etc. Last night in therapy he became enraged and said "of course I am angry. I have been angry being married to you for 20 years. I just hide it better some days."

I am really having trouble with this type of communication. How do you have an honest relationship, when one partner changes moods and memories of our life together to support his current emotional state? It seems so fake, so dishonest. And when I communicate with my husband, I have to get in the mindset that I am dealing with a patient who is mentally ill. I cannot ask for support or understanding because our life together has been about him.

I used to be a powerful independent woman but I am caring for too many other people. And my husband does not have the capacity to support me. He has just become one more person to take care of.

I wouldn't leave if he were physically ill and I am trying not to leave because he is mentally ill. But I feel as if I am drowning... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

Hello Wantbetter,

Step one is "before you can make it better you have to stop making it worse."

This website has a treasure trove of techniques to A) help you get in the positive mindset of being able to deal with the pwBPD, and B) actually help reduce the pwBPD's bad behavior.

The Lessons:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

In the Lessons there is a bit on "Radical Acceptance"

Essentially, the goal is to accept the unchangeable fact of reality that your person with BPD has serious relationship-endangering flaws. It means changing your expectations of them from "normal" to "BPD" so that you expect and accept such things as them shifting truths around according to their moods... .which, by the way, we all get here. I observed my uBPDw's worldview of what is real and true change and change back 1,000 times before I found out that BPD is a thing. I listened to her change 4 times in 20 minutes last night as her push-pull dynamic and my validation/pointed questions danced around.

I commiserate with you. Us non-BPD people struggle to comprehend how a sane-looking person can do and say such illogical and hurtful things.

[Wantbetter]

Thanks Mono No Aware for your response. I am working through The Lessons a bit at a time, as it is all so overwhelming! But this is my life, at least for now. So I will read and learn and feel the support of this amazing group!

[jedimaster]

Yes, my uBPDw just finished giving me a guided tour of an alternative universe a little while ago.  I won't hijack your thread with the details but it was enlightening as always.  The difference is that I'm learning to detach and practice radical acceptance, and recognize that her reality is just that, hers.  I am just starting down this road of learning to deal with BPD as a condition, as opposed just the crazy way my wife acts.  The techniques really do help.  Instead of a full-blown argument, I only had to deal with a rant, because I refused to argue.  And practicing mindful listening, sorting out her feelings from the blaming and pseudo-facts, and practicing SET gave my mind something to focus on besides defending myself, which you know by now is useless.  Good luck with your situation.

[ObviouslyOblivious]

How do you have an honest relationship, when one partner changes moods and memories of our life together to support his current emotional state? It seems so fake, so dishonest. And when I communicate with my husband, I have to get in the mindset that I am dealing with a patient who is mentally ill.

Ditto that. It's exhausting, isn't it? I struggle with the Radical Acceptance philosophy, too. But I understand it's a necessary tool to co-exist with a BPD SO.  The more I read here, the more I realize I've been "doing it wrong" all these years. My natural inclination is to JADE in self-defense, but I understand now that just makes things worse. So much to learn! Wishing you strength and clarity.

[bpbreakout]

Sounds very familiar

Marital therapy can be very frustrating though worth doing.

It has definately helped us when we have had to negotiate some difficult practical issues which would have otherwise ended up going round in circles.

The comment about being angry for 20 years sounds like typical BPD behaviour & it's very hurtful being on the end of those kinds of comments especially if you want an opne and honest relationship

It's always a good idea to look at ways of looking after yourself & having fairly low expectations on the support front.

Good luck

[waverider]

The first goal is to seperate the person from the Disorder, that reduces resentment.

The second is to stop expecting them to think and behave like you. That is akin to trying to teach a duck to bark, you only get frustrated and piss off the duck.

Dont seek explanations for their behavior from them. They dont have the answers, the will simply grab any excuse or accusation to project their emotion, further confusing issues.

Learn to recognize his moods and emotions, dont try to get him to agree with your perception of them. This is your reality, not his. His reality is uncomprehendable to you, likewise yours to him

[SlyQQ]

In a plane they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before the children you cant look after someone else unless you look after yourself

[Wantbetter]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. I am working hard to separate myself from my husband's moods and responses to me. This really comes with my needing to work on my own self-worth, as well as to stop, and I mean totally stop, allowing my husband to be any reflection of who I am. I had learned from my husband that I wasn't worthy of self care *sob*, and was too busy anyway taking care of a very sick daughter and a very sick mother.

Some days I practice SET very well, some days ok, and other days I don't have the energy to take care of someone else, even if it is taking care of my husband's emotions. And we all know how those days turn out.

I also have realized recently that I have no support group around me. Other than my dear therapist that is, who I credit with literally saving my life. I allowed my husband to destroy my friendships, by either him saying nasty things to my family and friends, or by making me feel guilty, or by accusing me of deceiving him in some way when I am with friends or family (" I don't believe you are really out to lunch with your friend" etc). So I have "woken up" and find myself really alone.

That's why finding this group means the world to me right now.

[Mono No Aware]

That's why finding this group means the world to me right now.

Me too!

My time here, I classify as "self-care".

For a long time it made me sad to check on what was happening here as I had been sweeping the BPD issue under a mental rug. Then I started posting again and while still painful to read about everyone else's pain, it is also deeply therapeutic because it forces me to live up to the advice I give.

[waverider]

Some days I practice SET very well, some days ok, and other days I don't have the energy to take care of someone else, even if it is taking care of my husband's emotions. And we all know how those days turn out.

This is OK, learn to accept yourself and your limitations. You dont have to do this, it is your choice, and that means you can choose not to when you dont feel like it. As you get better at handling any backlash you will find it easier to choose not to more often. This is not failing, this is looking after yourself. You don't want to become a resentful martyr.

Living a choice is far easier than living an obligation