She's posting about us on Pandora

[Algae]

A Few people here know my story.  To summarize it for those who don't... .I've been cheated on 7 times.  4 year Relationship.  Each time she leaves, its like she snaps into a completely different person and overnight... either ignores me completely or blocks me from life.  She dumped me for a guy after only knowing him for 9 days.  Shes OBSESSED with me when she loves me, even crying when she sees me.  It always takes her 3-4 months to come back to me after she's dumped me.  It's been 3 months since she left me... .shes back.  And she keeps writing on her Pandora wall, "I'll never let you go Algae"  LIKE What the heck.  What the heck RLY?  WHATS WITH THE FKN MIND GAMES.  SHE GOT A DAMN BOYFRIEND AND STILL LIKES ALL HIS STATUS'S

I need help ASAP.

I just logged onto my Pandora to listen to some music and It said "So & so is now Following you"  Shes following my music feed?  Then I look at her feed and she posted comments about depressing Teenage style emo comments that I laugh at (feel free to laugh yourself) things saying "It's too late... all I ever wanted.  It comes with a proce.  Sometimes I think you forget where the heart is when you shot me down."  And "How am I suppose to be hapy?  All I ever wanted, it comes with a price."

SHE ALWAYS does this emo comment thing when she's trying to get my attention.  WHAT THE HELL DO I DO.  My hands are sweaty, My heart is racing.  I knew this day would come AGAIN.  But I know she'll hurt me again.  But theres something inside of me that wants to hurt her so bad for what she did to me out of spite.

[maxen]

hi algae 

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO.

well, nobody can tell you that. however, you say  

My hands are sweaty, My heart is racing.  I knew this day would come AGAIN.  But I know she'll hurt me again.

 

do you want to be hurt again? if not, can you log off until you walk around a bit and think about this from a calmer perspective?

But theres something inside of me that wants to hurt her so bad for what she did to me out of spite.

this can be an emotionally consuming thing to plan and carry out, and may hurt you as much as it would her. as a BPD, she will be in 'victim' mode, and would only turn (or try to turn) whatever you do back on you. also, it's a form of engagement with her, and you know yourself what that's been like in the past. it's not unreasonable that you would feel that, but here on the Leaving board we're about detachment: have you read the lessons on the right hand side of this page?

in the three months she's been away, has anything happened within you?

[mrsthomps]

I feel like social media makes detaching from all relationships, not just BPD inflicted ones, SO much harder.

I had to disconnect completely after I left my dBPDex for the last time. I deactivated Facebook, deleted Instagram, got a new Pandora account, etc. It's a huge pain but it has to be done. Be aware that if she is tenacious and savvy enough, she will find you and you do it all over again.

I used to post on a parenting forum and my ex would stalk the bejeezus out of me. To the point where he was responding to my posts and acting like a stranger. It was so weird and just crazy. You just have to take it upon yourself to completely sever and end the relationship because they won't.  

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Don't go there.  All her feelings are temporary.  Block, Delete, Ignore.

[Skip]

I knew this day would come AGAIN.  But I know she'll hurt me again.

I rarely say "no hope" - but 7 outbound relationships is up there with domestic violence.  She is going to keep trying until she finally hits on one that sticks.

But theres something inside of me that wants to hurt her so bad for what she did to me out of spite.

This is engaging yourself in her.  This often make us feel worse when we see how easily the other person moves on.

You need to do things that will help you detach.

[Aussie JJ]

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO.  My hands are sweaty, My heart is racing.  I knew this day would come AGAIN.  But I know she'll hurt me again.  But theres something inside of me that wants to hurt her so bad for what she did to me out of spite.

If I may, what do you want to do?  

It sounds like you dont want her in your life.  You have identified that she isnt a positive influence in your life.  She has caused you a great deal of pain.  :)o you want to revisit that pain?  

We get a choice on how we behave.  We cant control someone else.  It sounds like she has no control over herself either.  That leaves you that has some control, control how you respond.  Take the high ground and dont engage in round 8 of this fight, this could be the round that she delivers the knockout blow and you get floored for good.  Throw in the towel, walk away and start a new endevour.  

There is power in walking away from a unhealthy situation instead of staying in that situation and trying to control it when their is a second party that has no control.  in this relationship you control 50 % of the dynamic.  :)ecide to use that control to not engage, to end the relationship for good on your terms.  

What do you want to do, if its work through what your feeling at the moment instead of taking another hit in the ring then your amongst friends.


AJJ.  

[peiper]

The best thing you can do all the way around is ignoring her brother.

[Algae]

Well she just posted on my pandora wall and here's what it says.  Tell me your thoughts about it.  Most of what she says below is very selfish.  She's obviously turning eveything she did against me and making herself out to be the damsel in distress.  She's making it seem like she's the hurt one and I'm the bad guy.  You can laugh at it if you want, I don't mind.  I am aware that it sounds like it was written by a 16 year old emo girl.   

"You can tell me I've changed.  You can say I will go to hell.  But you can NEVER say I never loved you.  Or ever stopped.  Your thinks still linger in my room like an evil reminded of something I've lost and will never get back.  You said you would never hate me.  You said you wouldn't stop loving me.  But I guess all things have changed.  Even you.  I don't know if you will see this read this or even care but this is probably more for me than for you because I need a release.  Your memories haunt my mind and dreams.  Your voice rings in songs I head.  Your jokes from videos you've made me.  Your love now only something to be lost and I can't find.  Your things sit in my room lingering like an evil reminder of something I've lost and will never get back.  I can't and wont be able to love anyone else in my life and I hate you for it.  I was only trying to save myself but in turn only damned myself.  Reasons too complicated to understand or explain.  Trapped inside my like an angry ocean, I'm sick of the thigns I do."

[Aussie JJ]

Dear ex-gf,

There will always be a place in my heart for you, I also acknowledge you did love me, a love so intense and pasionate it was like no other.  For that I will always be grateful.  What we shared was special and had meaning for me as I can see it did for you.  What I am acknowledging is it was something we shared previously that is now over.  I beleive we all change as going through life and I hope these changes we make are both for our own benifit.  I wish nothing but sucess and happiness in the future for you and will never degrade the part you have played in my life and will always speak fondly of you.  At the moment I am grieving what we had, I can see your doing the same.  I beleive giving each other space to work through these emotions is the best thing to do at present for both of us. 

I will organise some of the things I have that belong to you and return them to you and then collect those items you have of mine. 

Kind regards,


Algae. 

[Algae]

Dear ex-gf,

There will always be a place in my heart for you, I also acknowledge you did love me, a love so intense and pasionate it was like no other.  For that I will always be grateful.  What we shared was special and had meaning for me as I can see it did for you.  What I am acknowledging is it was something we shared previously that is now over.  I beleive we all change as going through life and I hope these changes we make are both for our own benifit.  I wish nothing but sucess and happiness in the future for you and will never degrade the part you have played in my life and will always speak fondly of you.  At the moment I am grieving what we had, I can see your doing the same.  I beleive giving each other space to work through these emotions is the best thing to do at present for both of us. 

I will organise some of the things I have that belong to you and return them to you and then collect those items you have of mine. 

Kind regards,


Algae. 

It's so strange.  Last time she did this I TOTALLY fell for it saying, "WOW shes back!  So its true when they say, that if they come back then its meant to be!"  But this time... I'm thinking, "Wait wait... She just told me that she hated me and she really really meant it.  I SAW the hate in her eyes.  I know this can't be true at all.

[Aussie JJ]

Last line should also be

all of the things... .collect all of my items that you have. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I was only trying to save myself but in turn only damned myself.  Reasons too complicated to understand or explain.  Trapped inside my like an angry ocean, I'm sick of the thigns I do.

That is very telling coming from a borderline; borderlines live in that full time, and many people, myself included at times, have been familiar with that place more than once.

"I'll never let you go Algae"  LIKE What the heck.  What the heck RLY?  WHATS WITH THE FKN MIND GAMES.

An attachment is the most valuable thing to someone who is constantly terrified of and focused on abandonment; they aren't mind games, they're survival.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO.

Taking someone back who has cheated on you 7 times could be labelled masochism.  What you do is discover what you need, decide what you want, and act accordingly.  If you don't want her in your life, remove her.  If you don't want her in your life the way she is but would take her back if she changed, consider that more masochism.  Time to get very selfish and take care of you!

[maxen]

I know this can't be true at all.

well it was, at the moment she wrote it, and for her. such is the nature of BPD: "feelings = facts."

consider taking a bit of time before responding. i know you're attached and in turmoil but perhaps you'd like to restrict your answer to an arrangement for the return of property.

[Skip]

"You can tell me I've changed.  You can say I will go to hell.  But you can NEVER say I never loved you.  Or ever stopped.  Your thinks still linger in my room like an evil reminded of something I've lost and will never get back.  You said you would never hate me.  You said you wouldn't stop loving me.  But I guess all things have changed.  Even you.  I don't know if you will see this read this or even care but this is probably more for me than for you because I need a release.  Your memories haunt my mind and dreams.  Your voice rings in songs I head.  Your jokes from videos you've made me.  Your love now only something to be lost and I can't find.  Your things sit in my room lingering like an evil reminder of something I've lost and will never get back.  I can't and wont be able to love anyone else in my life and I hate you for it.  I was only trying to save myself but in turn only damned myself.  Reasons too complicated to understand or explain.  Trapped inside my like an angry ocean, I'm sick of the thigns I do."

I read this as she is feeling remorse for destroying the relationship and wants to be freed of feeling the pain of the remorse.  She wants a safe place to go for some reason (maybe the other relationship is having a bad day) and she realizes that she has poisoned the well and will likely continue.

She's having an internal emotional struggle with bad feelings she has now (which are likely related to other things in her life) and that she is finally grieving the end of your relationship (something she previously avoided getting in another relationship.)

This is not "I love you and I made a mistake" - this is "I'm feeling loses (him and you) and I don't like feeling this" and some blaming of you for being the cause.

I know you want her back emotionally and intellectually know it is not good or you.

I think however good the relationship has been - seven outbound relationships in 4 years says more than anything she posts on a social media. 

Can you live with that?

[fred6]

I rarely say "no hope" - but 7 outbound relationships is up there with domestic violence.  She is going to keep trying until she finally hits on one that sticks.

Hits one what that sticks?

[Skip]

Hits on a relationship that goes for more than 1-3 months.

[guy4caligirl]

I know this can't be true at all.

well it was, at the moment she wrote it, and for her. such is the nature of BPD: "feelings = facts."

consider taking a bit of time before responding. i know you're attached and in turmoil but perhaps you'd like to restrict your answer to an arrangement for the return of property.

Maxen can you please give me an example about feelings=facts ?

[fred6]

Hits on a relationship that goes for more than 1-3 months.

Do these people think or know that they will never be in a life long committed relationship? Are they just trying to hit on the longest one that they can get away with, knowing that it's eventually going to end. Or do they believe that they are going to find "the one" sooner or later?

[maxen]

Maxen can you please give me an example about feelings=facts ?

what i mean is that a person with BPD is so consumed by the intensity of their feelings, that they don't distinguish between their own emotions and reality. two cardinal BPD markers are need of attention, and fear of abandonment. here are some examples, from my marriage and breakup.

if my wife felt hurt, i was responsible for hurting her. we had no sex for the last two years of our marriage. during that time, i came on to her occasionally, but she never responded, and she never came on to me. so who's withholding sex from whom? yet her "reality" was that i was responsible for the fact that we had no sex. (and, being in the FOG at the time, i apologized for it!) her "reality" about the division of the housework and the time we spent in each other's company was even more bizarre. if i didn't clean up her messes after her, i "wasn't taking care of" her. if i stayed with our laundry in the basement (i did our laundry), i was "taking her for granted by leaving her upstairs." therefore she concluded that i "didn't cherish" her, and she was justified in blindsiding me, saying that she had to "save" herself. she said she has "always been the girl who took one for the team" although she' has started r/ss behind the backs of three (or four) partners (now including me).

so powerful are her emotions around attention and abandonment, and her pain at the act of looking within to weigh her own responsibility, that the "facts" are dictated by her sense of victimhood, and not really congruent with what actually happened.

[Aussie0zborn]

That's a very good explanation Maxen. Totally agree.

[Algae]

Now she's blowing up my phone with texts saying "can i say something."  And other things.

And if I read the message... it'll show I've read it and opened it.

I mean I'm GLAD she finally sees shes a fk up and that what she did was bad but... whos to say next week she wont think it was bad right?  I mean just on halloween she was having fn th my replacement :P  Now its like the snap of a finger.

Yep still blowing up my phone for attention.  Guess I'm painted white or something.  And ignoring her she's probably going to paint me black I think?

[bungenstein]

Hits on a relationship that goes for more than 1-3 months.

Do these people think or know that they will never be in a life long committed relationship? Are they just trying to hit on the longest one that they can get away with, knowing that it's eventually going to end. Or do they believe that they are going to find "the one" sooner or later?

One of the very first things my ex said to me was, "nothing lasts forever", on multiple occasions in different ways, implying that eventually our relationship would end, she knew.

[fred6]

Hits on a relationship that goes for more than 1-3 months.

Do these people think or know that they will never be in a life long committed relationship? Are they just trying to hit on the longest one that they can get away with, knowing that it's eventually going to end. Or do they believe that they are going to find "the one" sooner or later?

One of the very first things my ex said to me was, "nothing lasts forever", on multiple occasions in different ways, implying that eventually our relationship would end, she knew.

Actually, that's why I asked bungenstien. On one of our last talks, my ex said "this was never going to work out". I was so confused. I was like, What the heck? Then why in the hell have you been stringing me along for 3 year straight. I think that deep down they know that they are going to sabotage the r/s at some point.

[bungenstein]

Hits on a relationship that goes for more than 1-3 months.

Do these people think or know that they will never be in a life long committed relationship? Are they just trying to hit on the longest one that they can get away with, knowing that it's eventually going to end. Or do they believe that they are going to find "the one" sooner or later?

One of the very first things my ex said to me was, "nothing lasts forever", on multiple occasions in different ways, implying that eventually our relationship would end, she knew.

Actually, that's why I asked bungenstien. On one of our last talks, my ex said "this was never going to work out". I was so confused. I was like, What the heck? Then why in the hell have you been stringing me along for 3 year straight. I think that deep down they know that they are going to sabotage the r/s at some point.

Its sick isn't it, imagine putting all your time and effort into these relationship knowing full well that they will end.

I think its one of the reasons it never felt real to me, I just felt like I had a needy girl on my arm, beautiful, but totally not on my level, and totally incapable of truly connecting with me and having a proper relationship, and eventually knowing deep down aswell that it was going to end at some point, although I just thought she was being a silly girl at the start.

I was quite inexperienced in relationships before I met her, and although it was the toughest thing I've ever gone through, though extreme pain I have been forged into a completely different human being, and in way I feel as though she was sent to shake my potential out of me.

[Algae]

Now she's blowing up my phone with texts saying "can i say something."  And other things.

And if I read the message... it'll show I've read it and opened it.

I mean I'm GLAD she finally sees shes a fk up and that what she did was bad but... whos to say next week she wont think it was bad right?  I mean just on halloween she was having fn th my replacement :P  Now its like the snap of a finger.

Yep still blowing up my phone for attention.  Guess I'm painted white or something.  And ignoring her she's probably going to paint me black I think?

Well I ignored all the messages from today but the last msg that was sent to me said, "This is my final goodbye" 

Well what the hell does that mean?  If she REALLY wanted me back then wouldnt she TRY for me and not try to get me by being "Oh poor me". 

[Algae]

Now she's blowing up my phone with texts saying "can i say something."  And other things.

And if I read the message... it'll show I've read it and opened it.

I mean I'm GLAD she finally sees shes a fk up and that what she did was bad but... whos to say next week she wont think it was bad right?  I mean just on halloween she was having fn th my replacement :P  Now its like the snap of a finger.

Yep still blowing up my phone for attention.  Guess I'm painted white or something.  And ignoring her she's probably going to paint me black I think?

Well I ignored all the messages from today but the last msg that was sent to me said, "This is my final goodbye" 

Well what the hell does that mean?  If she REALLY wanted me back then wouldnt she TRY for me and not try to get me by being "Oh poor me". 

I'm Guessing its not the last I'll hear from her?