I'm 30 days out.

[Sandman1881]

Thank God for the restraining order. Not that it stopped her from invading my iPhone iTunes, appleID, icloud, email, contacts... .through our shared iMac. The police did little or nothing about that two weeks of direct harassment, and in the end I literally threw my own phone into a NYC corner garbage barrel (on airplane mode of course). The Assistant DA should have mentioned resetting passwords... .well someone should have. I was in no condition to even process simple concepts. I could not even think strait. It was on after I made my official final exit, after her last physical attack plus the verbal insults that cut to the core of my insecurities. The worst in my life. This is not my first round with a BPD. I only now realize this. Better late than never. Seriously.

That night, just this past October, I simply was no longer able to even recognize this person as the woman I allowed myself to fall in love with. The hate and the rage was coming from the depth of her being. Not one other human being has ever made me feel so dejected, hated, worthless, the list goes on.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. And this relationship was exciting, it just stopped being fun when I realized she was past the point of no return. And nothing I was going to do could have made it any better. "I'm blocked." Those are her exact words and how she described not being able to come back to a loving place again. I've known the end of our relationship was past due. But I had no idea who the real woman was. I still don't know. I don't wanna know any more. And I thank my lucky stars that with one contact she could be back off to jail. Because if it wasnt for that OP, she'd be harassing my b*lls off and loving the whole ride. I realize I've just stepped on the devil's big toe by filing those charges, but I didn't have much of a choice. And I'm glad I did because the whole entire act was prearranged. I was blinded by what I thought was love, but I'm not dumb. She punched me in the mouth and busted my lip open, punched me in the nose, hit me 2x with a full can of Lysol, sprayed it directly into my face and eyes, dumped my food then hit me and burned me with the frying pan. Smothered me after I fell asleep, spit directly into my face 4x, covered my mouth and nose again with both hands attempting to do whatever she was trying to do. She was trying to kill me is what she was trying to do. In my opinion of course. But seriously What the heck? ... .smothered me while asleep on my final night in "her" apartment. I lived there for nearly a year. I don't advise anyone to make that mistake. Everything was so controlled but her, I wasn't able to put any significant amount of money aside to escape. And when a job came along for me with an apartment, she made damn sure to destroy that for me as well. And she's far from done. I feel this is the calm before the storm. Still waling on eggshells Sandman? Who me? Perhaps.

Again, I'm not the king of boyfriends. But this relationship was far "too bipolar even for me." Those are my exact words. That was near the 50% mark. When I realized that something wasn't right. So what did I do? I decided that I'm going to love her even more because I can see she not perfect. Even though she though she was. Never an I'm sorry. Never acknowledge any wrongdoing. It was way too much for too long. I feel for the next guy. Especially if he has no idea like me. Should have went with the gut. Count on the gut! It never lies. I would have been better of going out and getting laid and coming home smelling like sex. She would have somehow had more respect for me strangely enough. Well that's what I believe anyway.

It felt really good to get that out. She's BPD/NPD and I the co-dependent. If's she not - no one is. I mean Super High Functioning NPD/BPD.

A match made right here on mother earth. I had no idea adult females could be like this. And they say it's like 1 in 5 or something close to that. Wow. I need a major relationship breather. She's been moved on to some new ones already, of course.

The best advise I read someone post regarding meeting a BPD, when you do, run!

One week engagement ring window shopping and warm oil massage. Next week "disappear," or "leave," or "love you morexoxo." I didn't know which one to believe. This woman, in my opinion, is by far the worst of the disorder. And she watches children for work. This was the first time in my life when I can say that I'm actually afraid of this woman and afraid for others around her pit bull style to emotional management.

Staying strong the best I can, and staying away!

Thanks for reading.     

[Raybo48]

Wow, thanks for sharing this story Sandman.  It's a good example of how bad a disorder can get if left unchecked.  Its very scary to think your ex is on the streets right now looking for her next victim.  She sounds absolutely dangerous and it's completely understandable you got a RO.  My BPDxgf was just about as dangerous, but she had to mix her disorder with very large quantities of Vodka.  When that occurred she was very dangerous, very unpredictable, and had absolutely no consideration for anyone's safety including her  own.  She dislocated her mother's shoulder and punched her sister in the face numerous times during BPD/drinking flare ups.  Many of her "guy friends" refused to come to her aid at her house when she was on 5-10 day binges because she would get violent with them.  She never got violent with me, but there were times in her darkest hours when I was babysitting her that she came very, very close.  It was very scary, and there was no doubt I was scared for my well being on numerous occasions.  I used to sleep in the living room on a chair fully clothed with my shoes on with one eye open, literally.  She'd lurk around the house looking for more vodka trying to remember where she hid it from me. She'd drink Windex, or nail polish remover thinking she hid it in there. If she did find the bottle and id try and get it away from her she would get violent.  She was arrested more than once  because she was a danger to herself and she blew a 6.37 on her worst day, which even caused the cop some pause who was on the job for 35 years. He said he never saw anyone blow that before and still be alive. 

For your ex to be sober and do all that stuff is unbelievable, consider yourself lucky to have made it out in one piece. Until people actually  go through what you and I witnessed they  will never understand no matter how many times you explain it to them.  It changes you in a way, you look at the world a little bit differently after those events, at least I do.