Hi
I have recently ended a relationship with a woman who I think is in the high functioning category of having BPD. I am left with so much confusion and pain. I deeply loved her, and this was never reciprocated. She told me at times and showed me that she loved me, but could never reciprocate. She couldn't talk about or show her emotions, she could go from being warm and loving and affectionate to saying such cold and deeply cutting comments.
In the early days she seemed infatuated with me and so attentive. I can't lie, this felt amazing although I did feel a bit uncomfortable. She would pull so close and then just push away. We fell out and she impulsively booked a holiday to Greece. Once she was there, she messaged me all the time and went to great lengths to come home to be with me after two days. Once home, things were amazing... .for a few days. We spoke about living together. She then just pulled away and slowly I became nothing to her. I lost my identity, my self worth, my voice, my self confidence. I lost my self. I put my all into making her happy.
It would be great to hear about anyone who has experienced something similar, or who can offer me some advice or help.
I've had other break ups, but this feels wretched and so confusing and so many questions that will probably never be answered.
Hi H Hi,
Yes, your experience sounds very similar to mine. I've been with my uBPDw for ten years now. When we first met, things were phenomenal and we got along great and had a very close, loving relationship. That phase lasted about two years.
Things gradually got more and more difficult from that point on. When my brother got engaged to a woman he had known for far less time than I had known my then-girlfriend/future uBPDw, she developed a bona fide obsessive hatred for my brother's wife. Literally everything my SIL said was interpreted by my future uBPDw as a horrible insult. If I tried to explain that I thought there was a misunderstanding, I would be met with a torrent of rage and told that I was not being supportive of her. I thought this was just a misunderstanding and that my future uBPDw would eventually bury the hatchet, but I was wrong. My wife's obsession with my SIL has deepened over the course of eight years and been the source of hours of verbal abuse from my uBPDw, always used as a way of telling my I was a horrible and unsupportive husband.
I eventually learned that my wife's odd behavior was really a personality disorder. When my uBPDw has nothing to feel stressed or insecure about, she can be a very warm, generous, and caring person. But when there is something to trigger her fear of abandonment (ie, my brother getting engaged before she and I did), she becomes a completely different person. I have been yelled at, called names, been told I'm a ___ty partner, and belittled so many times I can't count. But then a day after such episodes she goes back to being a pleasant person.
This emotional instability is impossible for mentally healthy people like us to understand. It makes no logical sense, which is why it's a personality disorder. Any time I can't make sense of my uBPDw's actions, I remjnd myself of that.
It sounds like your breakup has been difficult for you, but you are lucky. I didn't realize I was married to someone with a nearly incurable personaliry disorder until after almost ten years, two kids, and being isolated from my family who live more than 1000 miles away. I am now sorting out how to extricate myself from this difficult situation, but you have at least taken the big step of ending your relationship. Stay strong and know that you are in a better position now even if it doesn't feel like it.
