Broke NC - trying to land more softly. Or become friends.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I see that I am not the only one here having trouble with keeping NC. Since I broke up with him 3 weeks ago I have felt so bad. I felt good and still feel good that I broke up. I have no doubts about that. But it all happened so abruptly. To my big surprise I don't miss being his gf. Because I am so much aware what it does to me being his gf. That scared me for good. But I do miss talking to him. He alternated between silence and sending me messages. He sent me I don't know how many messages, desperate, loving, angry, sad. Most of them loving. In many of them he seems to accept that is over. Though I'm not sure if he pretends that he accepts it.

So today I have been communicating with him through sms. In a friendly and sensible way. That was fine. He calmed down and seemed to understand and accept that it really is over and that I am not going back to him as his gf. We agreed to stay in contact through sms. I felt good about that. I made it clear to him that we are only having sms contact, and not as often as before, when we were a couple. This agreement has made him so happy. Tonight his messages show me that he is in Paradise and madly "in Love". Doesn't sound too good, does it? I mean that is not how friends talk. I don't respond to these messages. In his last message he tells me how wonderful it is to "be so near me - at a distance. So wonderful oh harbour, harbour... ." I know that when they can't get you, that is when they want you and idealize you. I thought we could end it more softly by having sms contact at a certain level. Most of all I wish that we could somehow be friends. I have often seen how nice and relaxed he is with his friends. I am really uncertain about this now. Has any of you succeeded in having friendship with your exBPD?

[harbour]

I see that I am not the only one here having trouble with keeping NC. Since I broke up with him 3 weeks ago I have felt so bad. I felt good and still feel good that I broke up. I have no doubts about that. But it all happened so abruptly. To my big surprise I don't miss being his gf. Because I am so much aware what it does to me being his gf. That scared me for good. But I do miss talking to him. He alternated between silence and sending me messages. He sent me I don't know how many messages, desperate, loving, angry, sad. Most of them loving. In many of them he seems to accept that is over. Though I'm not sure if he pretends that he accepts it.

So today I have been communicating with him through sms. In a friendly and sensible way. That was fine. He calmed down and seemed to understand and accept that it really is over and that I am not going back to him as his gf. We agreed to stay in contact through sms. I felt good about that. I made it clear to him that we are only having sms contact, and not as often as before, when we were a couple. This agreement has made him so happy. Tonight his messages show me that he is in Paradise and madly "in Love". Doesn't sound too good, does it? I mean that is not how friends talk. I don't respond to these messages. In his last message he tells me how wonderful it is to "be so near me - at a distance. So wonderful oh harbour, harbour... ." I know that when they can't get you, that is when they want you and idealize you. I thought we could end it more softly by having sms contact at a certain level. Most of all I wish that we could somehow be friends. I have often seen how nice and relaxed he is with his friends. I am really uncertain about this now. Has any of you succeeded in having friendship with your exBPD?

[mrshambles]

I'm trying LC. I can only share what I've experience so far with it... .its been okay. She digs a bit relationships and if I have potential matches etc. But she seems to hold herself together. If I didn't have a child with her... .I wouldn't bother. I understand though. Its almost easier to just keep them happy from a distance, but I am assuming there will be blowback at some point.

[Splitblack4good]

It's not easy keeping N/C me and my ex split a month ago she told me not to contact her ever again but I have had the odd text from her then an argument followed ! She then blocked me on her phone . 8 hours later unblocked me and sent me a text ! Lol I've told her not to text me now as I'm trying to heal and move forward plus she has a new bf now . It's been 3 days since I've heard from her so I think she is respecting that .she has made it clear she can not be my freind as she wants to try and move forward in her new relationship . Personally I think she is only saying that so I don't text her coz if that were true she wouldn't of text me first or unblocked me but I have respected that and she has respected what I have asked (so far ! )

[fromheeltoheal]

Has any of you succeeded in having friendship with your exBPD?

Nope, because she isn't qualified.  The basis for friendship is mutual trust and respect, and I didn't trust her and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count.  So no, friendship was not an option.

It's good you did something you felt you needed to do harbour.  And notice he's treating you like much more than a friend already; a borderline in search of an attachment will continue to come at you like that, and if you open the door just a little, you'll be right back in the situation that ended the relationship initially.  I hope that isn't the case and you are able to develop the type of relationship you want with him and he will respect that, although I'm just speaking from experience, mine and countless others here.  It can be a learning experience though; you can dig deep and get really honest about your desire to reestablish something with him.  Is it to get closure?  Is it to try again?  Is it to confirm that he doesn't hate you, and what would it mean if he did?  Is it to keep the best parts of him on some level but avoid the bad?  Potential growth in the answers to those.  Take care of you!  

[Waifed]

Has any of you succeeded in having friendship with your exBPD?

Nope, because she isn't qualified.  The basis for friendship is mutual trust and respect, and I didn't trust her and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count.  So no, friendship was not an option. 

Sadly, this is completely accurate in my case and likely most others here as well.  It is amazing once out of the FOG you realize that someone you thought you were in love with and whom you thought loved you doesn't even qualify to be a friend.  Not only that, in my 48 years I can name less than a handful of people that I absolutely do not ever want to associate with and she qualifies as one of those.  At 15 months out and feeling much better about myself and life in general I am pretty sure that I will always feel this way unless I can get to complete indifference one day. 

[harbour]

It's good you did something you felt you needed to do harbour.  And notice he's treating you like much more than a friend already; a borderline in search of an attachment will continue to come at you like that, and if you open the door just a little, you'll be right back in the situation that ended the relationship initially.  I hope that isn't the case and you are able to develop the type of relationship you want with him and he will respect that, although I'm just speaking from experience, mine and countless others here.  It can be a learning experience though; you can dig deep and get really honest about your desire to reestablish something with him.  Is it to get closure?  Is it to try again?  Is it to confirm that he doesn't hate you, and what would it mean if he did?  Is it to keep the best parts of him on some level but avoid the bad?  Potential growth in the answers to those.  Take care of you! 

Good questions!

I can answer one question for certain: It is not to try again. I am very much aware what would happen, if I tried again with him. After a short time I would end up where I was, when I broke up with him. Or even worse. I reached my limit then. And that's it. At first it was to get closure. To see if we could part in a decent way. I thought maybe we could talk about the good things we had together, though it didn't work for me in the end. I would feel bad, if we parted with him being hateful. Why? I guess bad closure. It's a bad feeling to leave somebody hating you. Maybe I would wonder if I could have done something to avoid that (though I know I am not responsible for his feelings). The best parts of him are really good. And we have common interests. But I can't have half of him, if I want anything with him, nor in a friendship. I don't know. I think I have to realize that we can't have friendship now. He went strait to Heaven, when I agreed to be sms "friends" with him. The next day he fell down to Hell feeling miserable and lost. Probably because he had imagined that I was back, until he woke up and realized that we were not together. That he had actually lost me as his gf. I felt bad about that. I felt that I had given him false hopes, though I had not in any way. Since he went from bliss to misery and despair a few days ago I haven't heard from him. And I have kept silent too. Maybe we can try and be friends after a long time. Maybe not. I feel so sad about it all.

[fromheeltoheal]

He went strait to Heaven, when I agreed to be sms "friends" with him. The next day he fell down to Hell feeling miserable and lost. Probably because he had imagined that I was back, until he woke up and realized that we were not together. That he had actually lost me as his gf. I felt bad about that. I felt that I had given him false hopes, though I had not in any way. Since he went from bliss to misery and despair a few days ago I haven't heard from him.

Yes.  Borderlines feel everything intensely, like the volume knob is turned up to 11, and he can't regulate that on his own; he was probably using you to help regulate his emotions, that's what borderlines do, but at some point you transitioned from soother to trigger, no turning back from that, and it has nothing to do with you, it's the cycle of the disorder.

I feel so sad about it all.

Borderlines can have many good qualities, and add to that the fact that we can see their pain and want to help, but just can't, and add to that the abuse we suffer trying because that's the only way they can deal, off the sht on us, and it's all just heartbreaking.  If only... .

But it's not to be and we can't fix it, as sad as that is, but what's left for us is to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and learn the lessons that are there for us, and take steps in the direction of our future, no other choice, and it will get better with time, promise.  Take care of you!

[parisian]

I understand where you are coming from Harbour. I am trying this approach too.

It has been 3 months since I called it off, and a two month period of that with NC (it was only a 1.5 year relationship not living together), where I sunk to the lowest level ever. I have been doing alot of work on myself (accepting there were some codependency issues), and will continue to work on me.

I re-established contact just after her birthday, and offered to catch up for a short meditation session and green tea when it suited.

The first time we caught up, I felt like I had never known her. She wasn't awful towards me - there was just some general pragmatic discussion (the usual), but she felt very very distant, and it was like she was a stranger. But that catch up was still okay. I mostly did so as a test for myself to see how much I was disengaged and detached.

The second time we did a quick meditation together and had green tea, it was only around an hour in total and it was like she was back to the person I knew before we were in a relationship (we have known each other for 10 years before our relationship). Things were okay. There was no abuse or hurtful comments. Just general catch up type talk.

She sent me a text to say she enjoyed the meditation, and I responded saying I would be happy to do that again, but up to her. She took a week to get back to me (part of the push/pull I imagine - she lives on her phone and I know always responds to other friends quickly), but ultimately she respond saying she would like to do that again. So we've arranged a second meditation session for this weekend.

I will never be able to be in a relationship again as her lover, partner or any other 'loving' type arrangement.  I understand that and have no desire to do so. I feel like I more genuinely understand the disorder - I've spent some trying to research that. I am trying to come from a place of Radical Acceptance and compassion. The way she treated me was hurtful, and I am recovering from PTSD as a result, but I would still like to be able to extend friendship with occasional company, if that is what she needs. I realise it will never be a 'real' or 'normal' friendship - that is, there will never be 50/50 give and take. pwBPD can never do that and to expect them to be able to do that is where potential friendships fall down I think.

All I am offering is low contact, and the occasional catch up to meditate. That is good for both of us.

Trying to land more softly or become friends I think is only achievable once you have a better understanding of their disorder and you have detached and disengaged sufficiently. If you are still feeling heart pangs, then I don't think a friendship can ever work. You really need to be able to see them as a completely different person rather than your 'ex'.

I will see where this goes - I do hope I can continue to have some contact occasionally, just so she knows I am still there, that I still care and haven't abandoned her completely.

The test will be if I am a trigger for her (no doubt I am?) and if the poor behaviour starts. I am trying to minimise that with low contact and with a short duration of time spent together.  Our exes are all very individual. I ended the relationship on a very calm note - I apologised to her for not being able to be the person she needed. There were no hurtful words or harsh things said. I think if there is any angry or hurtful words said in breaking up, then any form of friendship is not possible.

Other posters have said make sure you are very honest with yourself about why you want to be friends. That is critical. If it is because you want to be validated or secretly wish to get back together, I don't think friendship can work. Also, you are only separated 3 weeks and I think maybe you need a bit more time to detach. The first few months after breakup are very very hard, and I think you need to go through and feel the pain and hurt alone, to be able to come out the other side ready for a friendship. If there is any 'need' driving your desire to be friends, I don't think it can work - that need will confuse you both.

I wish you good luck with your approach, and am keen to hear how you progress with things also.

p.