ways in which they punish you...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It never ceases to amaze me the endless ways that my uBPDw finds to punish me when she has disregulated.

Here are a few: if we have an argument, she won't do the dishes for a few days ( she is a stay at home Mom).

She insisted on this expensive mop to do the floors better than our cleaning people, but hasn't used it because we had an argument.

She got so rageful one time that she tore up all the lovely cards and love letters that I gave her.

She hacked into my phone, read a few emails that I wrote to trusted friends. Unfortunately, I was so distraught when I wrote them that it was a bit of a "tell all". I did mention BPD. She was never supposed to read them. They were private. So she went on her facebook, she changed her name back to her FORMER MARRIED NAME, deleted all our wedding photos and pictures and every picture with me in it.

Inevitably if we go somewhere special or out of town she starts an argument and ruins it all.

Anybody want to share their experiences?

[michel71]

It never ceases to amaze me the endless ways that my uBPDw finds to punish me when she has disregulated.

Here are a few: if we have an argument, she won't do the dishes for a few days ( she is a stay at home Mom).

She insisted on this expensive mop to do the floors better than our cleaning people, but hasn't used it because we had an argument.

She got so rageful one time that she tore up all the lovely cards and love letters that I gave her.

She hacked into my phone, read a few emails that I wrote to trusted friends. Unfortunately, I was so distraught when I wrote them that it was a bit of a "tell all". I did mention BPD. She was never supposed to read them. They were private. So she went on her facebook, she changed her name back to her FORMER MARRIED NAME, deleted all our wedding photos and pictures and every picture with me in it.

Inevitably if we go somewhere special or out of town she starts an argument and ruins it all.

Anybody want to share their experiences?

[thatwasthat]

I'm sorry you had to endure all this, especially reading about the cards and letters... .man, that's so bad.

My ex never "did" anything to punish me. She also never really raged, well... .she RAGED but in a silent and cold way.

Boy did she hurt me with just a single, well aimed sentence. She showed me how deep words can cut, and I have become much more careful about what I say to people.

[hope2727]

Mine excluded me from things. He went to fun events with his friends and wouldn't let me come. He also flirted horribly and then rubbed my nose in it. He was happy to spend my money but not his. I could go on and on.

[maxen]

all these really are petty and sadistic things, and my stbxw did the same. what on earth would motivate (in my case) an adult approaching middle age to act this way? the shame component of BPD impels those with it to project their pain onto others. the fear of abandonment perhaps brings a sense of dependency that leads to hateful feelings towards those they feel dependent on. this is real acting out. that reduces the viciousness not one bit, but it does give a context in which to understand their behaviors.

[Proud_Dad]

I have had many of the same experiences with the blatant destruction of things that I have given to my uBPDgf. I have, on more occasions than I care to admit, had birthday cards, mother’s day cards, anniversary cards, and love letters ripped to pieces and thrown in my face. I have had beautiful flowers that were bought for special occasions thrown at me or the whole vase containing the flowers thrown into the driveway (this was done while she was screaming at the top of her lungs so ALL the neighbors within a block of us could hear about how horribly I treat her). I used to take note when she would fall in love with little vintage rings or something similar and track it down at a later date to surprise her with them. She would love the gift and cry how much she values my remembering the moment and expression of love. Then the next time she rages, throw it out the window of the car on the freeway... .

I have completely stopped buying her flowers because she has destroyed them every time, except one occasion, that I have bought or picked flowers from our yard for her. I no longer give gifts with sentiment knowing that they will be used against me at a later time when it serves her need. I still get her cards and she always seems a bit let down when there is only a line or two of text in them, but I can honestly not bring myself to write more than that without it sounding fake.

After she does these things she will admit that she does it to make me hurt as much as she is hurting inside at that moment and regrets it shortly after. In fact the last time she smashed a vase with a huge assortment of spring flows that I had spent an hour or more gathering she stated that she would not be surprised if I never went to those lengths again. To this day she has been correct.

[walksoftly]

Mine would smash my awards that I received from work. I received a silver beer mug fro completing my studies and she smashed it with her foot, then she took an award which was a framed print and she smashed that too. Then she would hit, kick, punch, bite, scratch right after a bulimic binge. Then off she would go to the hospital ; she is a social worker... .

[michel71]

Proud Dad... .I am surprised that by now you don't have a flower phobia. That was awful and Walk, what was it about YOUR AWARDS other than to just metaphorically DESTROY YOU!

What complete toddlers these BPDs are.

The worst for me had to be the Facebook thing. How she could change her name back to her former MARRIED name and then delete my pics. I don't know what is more awful really. When I finally decided to just UNFRIEND her, it was painful but a relief all at the same time. The card thing, that was horrible. And can you believe that she left them for me to see and take out to the recycle bin? On purpose of course. So I sat by the bin, began crying and tried to put them back together again. She found me outside crying like a baby and just got mad at me saying " I am not going to take this anymore. I am going inside". What? Huh? Crazy stuff man.

Once, after an argument that she held onto until the next morning and beyond she said to me " I don't think I love you anymore". That sent me into total anguish and despair. I couldn't even make it to work. I got about a mile away from the house, pulled over and had to call a co-worker to cover my court appearance ( I am a lawyer). How utterly humiliating. I was crying on the phone, my co-worker thought somebody had died. It did. My heart. Or at least wounded to the core. Later on that day she texted me that she still loves me, but loves me LESS. Nice. I am one of those tried and true types and the kind that when there are difficulties, I can "love her more" through it. Outside of her killing my dog or sticking a knife in me, I don't think I could ever love her less. In fact, I still don't love her less at all. I wish I did then this wouldn't all be so darn hard.

I thank God that she hasn't trashed her engagement ring. I think she is more vengeful than stupid. Deep down she knows that she could always sell that, most likely down the line, post break up and spend it on something frivolous.

[DreamerGirl]

Similar to Proud Dad.

One time, He ripped our photos all in half.  Left the half of me smiling in all the picture frames.  His half was gone, as was he, at that time literally.

Also loves to delete videos of happy occasions we are both in, when in a disregulated mood and hating me. 

[michel71]

Similar to Proud Dad.

One time, He ripped our photos all in half.  Left the half of me smiling in all the picture frames.  His half was gone, as was he, at that time literally.

Also loves to delete videos of happy occasions we are both in, when in a disregulated mood and hating me. 

It's so childish it is almost laughable, but it's not. IT is very hurtful, at least it is to me. I still look back on that and wince.