Hi everyone. Hope all is going well for you all and the healing process is taking its course. You are all true stars and,though we have never met. i will always consider you to be a big part of my life and my healing process
Ive just returned from a holiday in the US. Paid for by my sister when i broke up with my BPD ex partner ( my sister bless her,knew i needed something positive to focus on and she knew a break away would help,she was right) Ive returned home newly focussed,rejuvinated and above all,happier than ive been in many months.
As i mentioned previously ,my ex broke no contact just over a month ago,and i have been receiving weekly texts/calls from her. Where she has used me as a sounding board for her current emotional crisis,as well as telling me she had made a huge mistake and that she wished she could turn back the past 6 months (she even confessed to me she ruined things through her drinking,and apologised,something i didnt expect to hear tbh) throughout all this i have been able to still keep my distance,and to keep a sense of emotional detachment from her apologies (ive heard them too many times to fall for them again). We spoke briefly by phone before i went away (the same conversation as where she apologised to me) and i told her its probably best not to contact me for a couple of weeks,as i was heading off on holiday and i knew it would be costly to contact me.She agreed and told me she hoped i had a good time away
A week ago yesterday (thursday) i was spending the day in a waterpark at the resort i was staying. Looking forward to a nice relaxing day and generally feeling pretty good and chirpy. Something rather disturbing happened though as i stepped into the wave pool at the park. I got about up to my waist in the water when suddenly i kind of stopped,my eyes glazed over (this was witnessed by my sister and a family friend we were holidaying with ) and at that moment i suffered a flashback like i have never experienced before,my mind found myself back home,at the moment of one of my BPD ex partners suicide attempts (as i mentioned before ,she tried to drown herself several times in the sea at my hometown,and i had gone in personally to get her out) i felt like i was in exactly the same situation,in the pitch black of the early hours. Screaming her name,and wading in ready to rescue her. the image was so vivid that i now finally get what people mean when they describe flashbacks to distressing moments (ive never experienced them before) after what must have been about 30 seconds i told my sister i had to leave the pool,and what had just happened. Went off for a cigarette and tried to calm myself.
Lo and behold later that day when we were leaving i checked my phone to find a message from her .She was informing me that she had to undergo a medical procedure that i had previously had done,and that i was free to make fun of her about it (she had done the same with me when i had undergone it) Tbh im not the sort to make fun of someone when going through something like that (i remember how unpleasant said procedure was ) it may be something she would do ,but not me. I also found it quite strange that she said i was free to mock her,as we havent actually spent any time together ,only communicated briefly by phone. (as my sister put it, "why would you mock her? shes not part of your life anymore"
Foolishly i did message her back,telling her i was sorry to hear what she had to go through,and that i wouldnt mock her for it,as i remembered what i was like. This started a text conversation,where she asked me lots of questions about my holiday , told me she was jealous of me having a good time,and that she hoped we could meet up when i returned. Ill be honest,it was actually quite a nice experience having a normal conversation with her (something that hasnt happened since before the break up)but i took it at face value and decided to get on with enjoying myself
The day before i returned i received word from my brother back home that My ex had been drunk in the pub (surprise surprise) the night previously,and spouting off to everyone that i had been messaging her constantly throughout the holiday ,completely denying her attempts at being the instigator of the conversation,and that she was going to make me pay her phone bill when i got home because of the extra cost of overseas texts (yeah like thats going to happen
,i warned her it was best not to contact me didnt i?) She was also very loudly updating people on the situation regarding her neighbour (as i put in the previous post,she changed her story from "assault" to "sexual assault" and is now telling everyone that she was r*ped by him (this really doesnt match up to her words to me ,where,and im sorry to be graphic here,she stated "he tried,but he couldnt get it up" I felt somewhat disturbed at this latest story,not because of what she is alleging to have happened,but because of her past behaviour (she constantly went on about being r*ped during her episodes,but the amount of times it had supposedly happened,coupled with the scenarios,were always changing,i dont think she ever thought i was keeping track of the conversations and was able to spot the inconsistancies of the story.Not to mention the time she actually told me to r*pe her when she was having an episode (the thought of which still repulses me to this day,to hear those words coming from the mouth of someone you loved will always leave a bad taste in a persons mouth). This information was actually relayed to my mother from one of mine and my former partners mutual friends, a person who had previously sided with her,as well as saying he wasnt willing to take sides or talk about what had happened between us. At this point i decided again to go NC, and as far as i know,she isnt even aware that i have returned from the US
Since my return however im finding a somewhat different attitude has greeted me. People who previously wouldnt speak to me are now doing so. And i have been told be several of them that they now know my ex's behaviour is spiralling out of control,that they no longer believe her stories and see her as a very troubled girl who has got to the point where she cant differentiate between fantasy and reality. She has apparantly become the subject of much gossip around town, and many people are now openly avoiding her (including several of her former friends,who are still friends with me). In the end i will be honest i do still feel bad for her,as she continues in this path of self destruction. But i also feel that my time away has given my some much needed distance from the situation,for which i feel a lot happier,that is of course until she decides to contact me again... .
