I have done it, but ...

[harbour]

I am so confused and devastated. I sent him a letter telling him that it is over. Now, one hour later, I regret and remorse. Deeply. The reasons why I left him have suddenly become much less important than the reasons why I want him. Has any of you experienced that?

We have been together for 8 months. And I love him and feel so attached to him. And I miss him terribly. Most of the time was wonderful with him. He is affectionate and would do almost anything for me. He always washes the dishes, clean the house, give me flowers etc. We have a lot in common and I feel we have known each other all our lives. That is why I want him. The reasons why I don't see any future with him are:

- The roller coaster. His painting me black and white. After two or three wonderful weeks together he suddenly turns cold and leave, or get an outburst of rage and leave. It always happens, when we are feeling good about each other. Soon after he starts sending me messages about how much he loves me. After a few days he comes back. I can't adjust myself to that.

- His rage scares me. He has been violent to some of his former female partners. He told me. So when he gets so aggressive, shouting and moving his body around, pounding the table with his fist, telling me NOT to "interrupt" him and accusing me of things I can't relate to, then I feel scared, humiliated and hurt. It didn't happen often, but still it has started affecting me, also in the good periods. I am getting more and more careful what I say.

- His crazy fascination with women. Talks a lot about it. He once said that he falls in love with three out of four women, though he hasn't had and doesn't want affairs with any of them, cause he loves me etc. When I told him that it does sometimes make me a bit uneasy, he said I am over sensitive and jealous.

- His trying to press me to think and want the same things as he does.

- His not being able to sense or understand that he can do anything that might hurt me. If I try to say how I feel about something, he feels that I am accusing him and blaming him.

- I never, never relax.

Last Tuesday I knew that I had reached my limit.

There had been an incident the previous week, where he suddenly turned cold and distant, when I put my arm around him. I let him be, when he said he was going to bed. The next morning he woke me up and said he was going home. I said why. Because it is morning and Wednesday. He said goodbye. We had agreed that he would go home for a few days and then come back in the weekend. But we always have breakfast together. He had his jacket on. I waved him away with my hand, because I was hurt and a bit angry. Later he started sending messages. We agreed that we should talk about what was happening. The following days we communicated with warm messages. Then he sent me a message about a woman, L, he would so much like to be friends with. With that a message to her about it, telling her that he could easily become captivated by her, so he wanted to let her know that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Was she disappointed, or upset or sad or angry about that, he asked her. I asked him who L was. She was the woman who came over the other day to say hello to him while she ignored me. I got annoyed and tired of this message communication. I thought it was a weird message. So I ignored his messages for some time. The next day he said he wanted to talk about it all. Fine, I said, so do I. Last Monday he came to talk. We had dinner, and then my sister called me. He came over and lied down with me on the couch, his head on my thighs, and caressed my arms and hands continuously for the 40 minutes I talked to my sister. Afterwards he said that he did that to stimulate me to "caress" (show affection to) my sister. He wants everybody in the world to love each other. Beautiful mission, but I didn't feel comfortable with what he said. When I said that I decide who and when I want to show affection, he got an outburst of rage, shouting that I was small-minded towards my sister and other hurting things. Tuesday he got another outburst, when we talked about my waving him away the previous week. I said that it was not ok for me to wave him away, and that it was an impulsive reaction to my feeling hurt and angry, because of his cold and distant way to leave. This time his outburst was worse than the first one. As I was standing there, being scared and taking all his accusations and humiliations, in silence, because he told me to NOT talk until he was finished, I felt it and I knew that I could not and would not have this any more. When he was finished, he left without another word. Since then I have had a very bad time struggling with my ambivalent feelings. I love him, I am scared, I feel sorry for him, I feel guilty, I am worried about myself. Half an hour after he left he sent me a warm message about how much he loves me etc. For the first time I couldn't answer him. I didn't know what to say to him. Because I wanted to leave him. Friday I sent him a message telling him that I needed this weekend too alone. He sent me a respectful message, letting me know that he would leave me alone as long as I needed it, that he loved me etc. Sunday he couldn't resist sending me a few messages. He seemed worried and anxious, so I thought I would send him a word. I said that I was afraid, and that I had written him a letter. He will receive that letter tomorrow. I got some desperate messages, warm and angry by turns. He doesn't know it is a goodbye letter. And now I feel lousy and miserable. I miss him terribly and I'm devastated thinking about December, where we were going to be together, and we were going to spend all Christmas together. He loves Christmas.

I try all the time to remind me about the limit I felt. About two months ago I told him that I felt unsafe and scared, when he got these aggressive outbursts. He seemed to take it serious, and when I asked him if he could feel the rage coming before the outburst, and he said yes, he could, we agreed that when or if he felt it coming, he should leave. Well he didn't, did he. And I didn't dare tell him to leave. I know that this relationship is not good for me at length. Even though it is wonderful most of the time. But there are too many serious problems here. All my ambivalent feelings are tearing me apart. For the last two weeks I have been so tense, and so exhausted that I find it hard to think. I am losing weight. I can't stop doubting if I made the right decision. And it is probably too late to regret. I know deep down that I have to get out of it, yet I doubt it.

[Bee Girl]

Harbour,

I am also in the process of a breakup I initiated with my BPDbf, and I understand the ambivalence. I think it comes in large part from being in relationship with what seems like two different people. It can be an easier decision to let go of the person that causes you to be hurt and scared, not so easy to lose the wonderful part. So yes, I've experienced that, am in it now. I find it helps to think about taking care of yourself first, think about what you'd need to feel comfortable, peaceful and healthy, and do remind yourself of what brought you to your limit. And acknowledge that it's difficult and confusing, yes, just like it's been all along. I would guess that the difficulty and confusion would lessen as time goes on if you stay on this path of detachment. Keep walking forward.

[CareTaker]

I am so confused and devastated. I sent him a letter telling him that it is over. Now, one hour later, I regret and remorse. Deeply. The reasons why I left him have suddenly become much less important than the reasons why I want him.

This is quite normal in these type of relationships. It is your addiction to the verbal abuse and violence in the relationship. Please note, I said addiction not love. A dysfunctional person cannot commit and therefore cannot love. They can only attach. They do replace you within days and then attach to that person just as much as they where attached to you.

But any normal person, would need time to "get over" a relationship before moving into the next one.

Fortunately for me, I studied BPD over the course of about 18 months. Better the devil you know, than you don't know. So I knew what I was involved with, and I knew the consequences of my actions. I just had to pick the right time to reclaim my life. I realized that there is no future with this woman, and life would be hell for anyone involved with her. I wrote down all the reasons for wanting to leave. I made notes of our arguments and our day to day activities for about 3 months.

So every time after break up I felt the urge to be with her, or even slightly started missing her, I could read the notes I made. This helped tremendously and kept my mind focussing on the new friends I was making, and keeping this monster out my life.

You deserve a normal relationship. You will never have something good with a borderline. If your subconscious mind told you to get out, then run. Don't listen to your conscious mind. It is currently confused, and having withdrawal symptoms.

Trust me when I say that 3 months later, you will wonder why you put up with such sick behaviour. You will question you sanity as to why you let someone treat you so bad, and then blame you for treating THEM bad. Sure, we all made mistakes in the relationship, but because of the disorder you did things which you probably never did in other relationships. They bring the worst out in you.

You not crazy. You actually got a mind that told you to get out. Stay out, is my honest advice.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I highly suggest reading about FOG, fear, guilt and obligation. It really twists our thinking and causes us to feel bad when we have done nothing wrong. It's normal to have all this inner conflict. And although I think our feelings are paramount, it just simply can't work, it's a fact. It takes years of therapy and probably a fresh relationship for a borderline to even have a slight chance at having a decent relationship. You are already something that "triggers" him, undoing this is damn near impossible. Knowing that no matter how much I love her, it cannot work, is what made me give up for good. Besides, you deserve not to be on guard at home, you deserve to have peace. I hope you feel better, I know it's hard.

[DangIthurts]

I am so confused and devastated. I sent him a letter telling him that it is over. Now, one hour later, I regret and remorse. Deeply. The reasons why I left him have suddenly become much less important than the reasons why I want him.

, and then blame you for treating THEM bad. Sure, we all made mistakes in the relationship, but because of the disorder you did things which you probably never did in other relationships. They bring the worst out in you.

You not crazy. You actually got a mind that told you to get out. Stay out, is my honest advice.

Weird. For me my patience was at a all time high. In mine, I never hesitated to speak up when I felt something needed to be said... .But the occasions where I would break down and snap they were far fewer than the amount of negativity and abuse I received. I think it was due to two reasons, me caring about the trauma she'd been to and always keeping that in my forefront, and the wrath you could incur being on an even worse footing, because if asking to hang out or trying to say how was your day was met with "you're annoying" then best believe if you snapped it could only go more downhill .

[hergestridge]

I think it comes in large part from being in relationship with what seems like two different people.

And that's what it all boils down to. You will never get used to it. It will hurt. If you please dr Jeckyll you will piss off mr Hyde and vice versa.

You will work endlessly on adapting yourself to perfection, only to be walked out on. They like no one, because they change their mind all the time. They like some people in the moment, there and then. They tend to stay with people over long periods of time, but they don't develop relationships. They waste your time and your life.