Cant help but feel :(

[Climbmountains91]

After being all over the boards from stay or should i go to detaching I've decided to stay and give it last one shot after being transported back into a recycle its been going well its been two months now I'm painted white and i cant help but love this man to pieces but lately i cant help but feel that "can i really be with this man". A man that drinks whiskey, beer and wine every night to pass out, a man thats obsessed with xbox/computer games 24/7 and tv series, thats all he thinks/talks about. a man that doesn't really see his daughter though he says shes a blessing and he loves her, there just shattered words now. A man that just accepts he has problems and he cant help it and "we are working stuff out by hanging out, were just going through a rough patch at the moment which his been saying for months and months now. Read my past threads if you want more history on the situation. Maybe I'm really impatient but i feel like its going no where its going to be a loonngg road, I'm just so bored of this situation. A man thats flat is a state and has done unforgivable things to me. A man whose feelings change one min to the next, worrying everyday if his painted me white/black or if he loves me today/tomorrow or not. A man who doesn't really appreciate me and everything i do its like being with a 15 year old teenager. He don't rage or anything. I just want to help this man but i know he can only help himself.

I guess i just wanted what i had, two parents together for my daughter, I'm selfish for that i know, she will be happy if her mums happy. Why be with a man who hates sleeping with me or if it was anyone, his scared to get close. We live separately. I just want someone to come home to, someone to enjoy spending time with, enjoy events with like Christmas, to him its just another day, going out places etc... A normal darm relationship instead of walking on eggshells all the time, someone who i don't feel myself around but at the same time somehow makes me feel alive and love him to pieces, deep down i know his better than this, i want to make him see he can love again. He is such a different guy to the guy i used to know its sad really  i just love him soo much i cant explain it :/ i feel so numb and empty right now.

As well im starting an intense therapy next year and i want it more than anything especially for my daughters sake and wondering if its best to cut him out so i can get on with my life and be a better for when i have therapy but i just cant live without this man, argh wish i could explain it but i cant. Im so weak and confused right now.

Anyone else felt like this?

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[Jack_50]

Hi there,

My take on this :

You need to work on your self-esteem.  You are accepting and forgiving what should not be accepted and forgiven, for your dream of a happy family.  It will not happen with the guy he currently is.

Work on your self-respect, bring yourself back to the level where you can take on the world, and everything it will throw at you.  For your daughter's sake, you will.

This includes your dependency on his opinion of you.  It is just his opinion, which is only based on his own (self-interested) point of view.  Might be right, might be wrong, no big deal; you will be fine either way.

Also, realize that you, not being able to live without him, is partly because you desperately want to bring back the past, and partly just out of habit.  What is familiar is often chosen over what is better, because people are afraid of the unknown.  Lots of people accept abuse, simply because it is familiar to them.  These things often go back to childhood (emotional) abuse, and it is surprising how often we chose abusive partners out of familiarity.  Scientist have proven that it works like a drug addiction.  So be aware of it, and do not let it hold you back to get out of your situation.

Next step is to put down a clear boundary: either he changes his ways, or it's the highway for him.  It is time to stop wasting your family's future, so either he becomes a real dad, or he can forget about being one.  When faced with this hard limit, he might start respecting you again for it, and come around.  If not, he is just not worth it.  Give him some time to think it over, though.

Be aware, that you need to have total control over your emotions when discussing with him.  If you get emotional, he will also, and it will go nowhere.  You need to be the leader here, for your family's sake.  So stay calm, and give him ample time to think over the things you tell him.  We men often need a day or 2  to have important points seep in, so don't demand an immediate answer.

If you don't see a change in a month or so, it's time for him to start packing.

Just my 2 cents,

Jack

[Climbmountains91]

Hi there,

My take on this :

You need to work on your self-esteem.  You are accepting and forgiving what should not be accepted and forgiven, for your dream of a happy family.  It will not happen with the guy he currently is.

Work on your self-respect, bring yourself back to the level where you can take on the world, and everything it will throw at you.  For your daughter's sake, you will.

This includes your dependency on his opinion of you.  It is just his opinion, which is only based on his own (self-interested) point of view.  Might be right, might be wrong, no big deal; you will be fine either way.

Also, realize that you, not being able to live without him, is partly because you desperately want to bring back the past, and partly just out of habit.  What is familiar is often chosen over what is better, because people are afraid of the unknown.  Lots of people accept abuse, simply because it is familiar to them.  These things often go back to childhood (emotional) abuse, and it is surprising how often we chose abusive partners out of familiarity.  Scientist have proven that it works like a drug addiction.  So be aware of it, and do not let it hold you back to get out of your situation.

Next step is to put down a clear boundary: either he changes his ways, or it's the highway for him.  It is time to stop wasting your family's future, so either he becomes a real dad, or he can forget about being one.  When faced with this hard limit, he might start respecting you again for it, and come around.  If not, he is just not worth it.  Give him some time to think it over, though.

Be aware, that you need to have total control over your emotions when discussing with him.  If you get emotional, he will also, and it will go nowhere.  You need to be the leader here, for your family's sake.  So stay calm, and give him ample time to think over the things you tell him.  We men often need a day or 2  to have important points seep in, so don't demand an immediate answer.

If you don't see a change in a month or so, it's time for him to start packing.

Just my 2 cents,

Jack

Hey Jack. Thank you so much for your reply. All my friends and family have said the exact same thing and deep down i know myself what the right thing to do is as what you've said. I cant be with him with the way he is now and i need to focus on me and my daughter but theres this little hope that lately he's said he's going to a BPD group he's CPN has set up for him and his thinking about going to AA meetings and stuff like that, he's never said this before so it makes me think as well as a recycle maybe if i just be a little bit patient with his hopefully some recovery and our relationship it will work out i hold on with my fingertips but at the same time I'm frustrated by it all. I see my friends in happy relationships, some with kids, some without enjoying there time etc... Then theres me and BPD. Its just sad really. These are hard people to break away from.