You're right Nessa Rose, the holidays are a pretty difficult time for many of us as you can tell from some other posts about this subject. You say you only see your mother three times a year now, is that during the holidays? Do you also see her on your birthday or Thanksgiving?
I finally recognized how destructive she was and broke away from her over 10 years ago... .why does it still hurt so much and why do I still feel so guilty and anxious all the time... .why doesn't it feel like it's getting any easier... . :'(
I can definitely relate to the feelings you express here and I think many of our members can as well. It hurts because accepting the reality of having a BPD mother also means accepting the loss of the fantasy mother you never had. You could say this is a mourning process. Accepting the reality of your mother doesn't mean that all the pain will go away but acceptance will hopefully make things more bearable for you as illustrated by the following statement:
Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance. So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering. Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.
Your hurting is understandable especially during this time of year. When you look back over the years do you always feel like it just isn't getting any easier? Or do you only feel like this during this period of the year? Emotional reasoning can be very powerful and cause you to think that what you're feeling right now is an accurate reflection of reality and that things are always gonna be like this. The holidays often aren't an easy period for children of BPD parents but this period too shall pass and hopefully you'll feel better after the holidays.
