Dealing with the Holidays

[Depression = 72% of members]

The next month is always a difficult one for me - as I'm sure it is for many.

With Thanksgiving tomorrow (today) ... .my birthday this weekend... .and then the December holidays - it's hard not to think of family and feel that longing for what will never be and never was. As if that wasn't enough - this is always the time when avoiding her becomes challenging. Though she seems relatively unphased by my not responding to her texts or emails or letters - this is around the time when avoiding her becomes nearly impossible.

The hardest part though is that - now that I only see her about three times a year (which is a pretty big accomplishment given that I only live about 15 minutes from her) - interactions with her are a little more bearable. That might sound great - but I find that it actually hurts more. It pokes at this buried tiny part within me that aches to have a mother. It causes something within me to whisper... .maybe I should go back to her... .maybe if I just stopped fighting it and did what she wanted and was a good daughter - I could fill back up this gaping hole within me. I could feel ok again.

On a rational level, I see it for what it is. I recognize how unhealthy that voice is... .but the holidays just fill me with such a sadness. I know what she wants from me. I know I can give it to her... .and maybe if I just committed to it - I would feel better... .this pain would stop and I would feel whole again.

Anyway... .just thought I'd share somewhere where people might possibly understand what I was talking about... .  :'(

I finally recognized how destructive she was and broke away from her over 10 years ago... .why does it still hurt so much and why do I still feel so guilty and anxious all the time... .why doesn't it feel like it's getting any easier... .  :'(

[Nessa Rose]

The next month is always a difficult one for me - as I'm sure it is for many.

With Thanksgiving tomorrow (today) ... .my birthday this weekend... .and then the December holidays - it's hard not to think of family and feel that longing for what will never be and never was. As if that wasn't enough - this is always the time when avoiding her becomes challenging. Though she seems relatively unphased by my not responding to her texts or emails or letters - this is around the time when avoiding her becomes nearly impossible.

The hardest part though is that - now that I only see her about three times a year (which is a pretty big accomplishment given that I only live about 15 minutes from her) - interactions with her are a little more bearable. That might sound great - but I find that it actually hurts more. It pokes at this buried tiny part within me that aches to have a mother. It causes something within me to whisper... .maybe I should go back to her... .maybe if I just stopped fighting it and did what she wanted and was a good daughter - I could fill back up this gaping hole within me. I could feel ok again.

On a rational level, I see it for what it is. I recognize how unhealthy that voice is... .but the holidays just fill me with such a sadness. I know what she wants from me. I know I can give it to her... .and maybe if I just committed to it - I would feel better... .this pain would stop and I would feel whole again.

Anyway... .just thought I'd share somewhere where people might possibly understand what I was talking about... .  :'(

I finally recognized how destructive she was and broke away from her over 10 years ago... .why does it still hurt so much and why do I still feel so guilty and anxious all the time... .why doesn't it feel like it's getting any easier... .  :'(

[Kwamina]

You're right Nessa Rose, the holidays are a pretty difficult time for many of us as you can tell from some other posts about this subject. You say you only see your mother three times a year now, is that during the holidays? Do you also see her on your birthday or Thanksgiving?

I finally recognized how destructive she was and broke away from her over 10 years ago... .why does it still hurt so much and why do I still feel so guilty and anxious all the time... .why doesn't it feel like it's getting any easier... .  :'(

I can definitely relate to the feelings you express here and I think many of our members can as well. It hurts because accepting the reality of having a BPD mother also means accepting the loss of the fantasy mother you never had. You could say this is a mourning process. Accepting the reality of your mother doesn't mean that all the pain will go away but acceptance will hopefully make things more bearable for you as illustrated by the following statement:

Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance.  So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering.  Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.

Your hurting is understandable especially during this time of year. When you look back over the years do you always feel like it just isn't getting any easier? Or do you only feel like this during this period of the year? Emotional reasoning can be very powerful and cause you to think that what you're feeling right now is an accurate reflection of reality and that things are always gonna be like this. The holidays often aren't an easy period for children of BPD parents but this period too shall pass and hopefully you'll feel better after the holidays.

[Finding Courage]

The holidays are hard for me for the exact same reasons.  A sadness about what I missed and a longing for a supportive, healthy mother and family.  And some ptsd reactions remembering past holidays.  Wishing you peace this time of year.  You aren't alone in this struggle.

[clljhns]

Hi Nessa Rose,

I don't know that we ever stop grieving for the family that never was. I am NC with my entire family. I get what you are saying. The memories were the hardest for me to make sense of. My uBPDmom would decorate for Christmas like Martha Stewart and would prepare incredible meals at the holidays. She would seem to glow at this time of year. She would spend hours out shopping and would always over-buy for everyone. It was sort of embarrassing the number of gifts we kids got. These memories were hard because she seemed like the perfect mom. Just in that brief moment, she was smiling, happy and singing. When I went into therapy I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that someone who could create such beauty could really be that bad. My therapist helped me to understand how my mom's fantasy of the perfect mom is what we saw at the holidays. Even when I think back to holidays, I can remember many hurtful events and even a physical fight between my two sisters. My mom was cheering on my oldest sister (GC) as she was pummeling my sister. So, really, there weren't too many happy memories of holidays. The good memories come from me and my siblings. But, now I don't have any contact with them. Not that I wouldn't want it, but one sister is fueled by paranoia and rage, the other sister thinks aliens abused us, and my brother thinks that we are all nuts.

Have you read Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book on grieving? I found this to be helpful in understanding the stages of grief. We don't have to loose a person to death to grieve for them, or for the person we needed. Also, are you doing any inner child work? This has been the biggest challenge for me in my healing, but I am slowly getting there. My therapist has given me tips and encouraged me to do the work my parents didn't. Kind of a strange concept, but we can be our own parents, champions, and best friend. Are you seeing a professional?

Wishing you peace and blessings. 

[funfunctional]

I understand NessieRose!  

The pain and the emotions come back this time of year.   I feel it too.  The wishes or fanstasies of someone being who they are not.  My first fantasy was remarrying into a new family (2nd marriage) and my MIL would embrace my children and be this wonderful grandmother figure.  Lost my mom over decade ago.

My MIL is BPD and was absolutely vicious towards me beyond belief.   We have been NC with her for over 3 years.   A mess!   Now my BPD alcoholic/pill addicted sister I dreamt I could maintain some cousins for my kids and an aunt and I reached my limit on what I could tolerate with her.  I tolerated way too much bad behavior.    So yes,  these are dreams we had.  And I find myself comparing myself to other families and sometimes jealous.  But I have to understand this is my life and my path and recreat my own "ideas" of what family is.  BY aligning ourselves with people in similiar situations it does help a little.   I agree that we each get granted these lots in life and really don't have much say in it.    It is like that Forest Gump saying "life is like a box of chocolates, we never know what we are going to get".    And for us... .I guess we got a chewy caramel nut or two.      

Hang in there & give the love out around the holidays and you will find yourself getting it back and it will feel really healing.