Stuck in guilt

[gfish]

I'm still at a point where it feels strange to talk about my mom in terms of having BPD. I've known of BPD for several years but haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. It seems like a hush hush subject, and I often feel quite alone. Only recently have I begun seeing a counselor who discusses it openly with me, and I feel like I'm at the very start of a long journey.

My current situation sums up to this: I am a young adult, recently engaged, and for years i have been struggling incredibly hard to balance my mother's happiness with my own (and usually failing). I have finally come to the sad realization that ultimately nothing I do has mattered -- my mom's feelings about me and about her life can change on a whim. Lately I've been dealing with emotional whiplash ... .And also gutwrenching guilt.

I'm glad I found this group. I've felt alone for such a long time.

[clljhns]

Hi gfish and  ,

So glad you found us!

. Lately I've been dealing with emotional whiplash ... .And also gutwrenching guilt.

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles.   I know the feeling of being caught in the trap of guilt. Have you read the article at the top of this board about F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt)? As children of a parent with BPD, it is common that our parents make us responsible for their emotional well-being and happiness. A parent with BPD cannot see themselves as separate from their children and do not recognize that their children have needs. Because of this, we learn to take care of the parent, and are conditioned to do so for the rest of our lives until we finally realize how unhealthy the dynamics of this relationship is and change the dance. I am glad that you have reached out for support. Please keep posting.

Wishing you all the best! 

[Kwamina]

Hi gfish

I would like to join clljhns in welcoming you here! You are not alone anymore  Many of us know what it's like to have a parent with BPD.

I'm still at a point where it feels strange to talk about my mom in terms of having BPD. I've known of BPD for several years but haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. It seems like a hush hush subject, and I often feel quite alone. Only recently have I begun seeing a counselor who discusses it openly with me, and I feel like I'm at the very start of a long journey.

I am glad you've found someone you can discuss these things with. That really helps break the sense of isolation many children of BPD parents experience. Joining this forum, sharing your experiences and reading the stories of other members can also really help and make you realize that you are not alone.

My current situation sums up to this: I am a young adult, recently engaged, and for years i have been struggling incredibly hard to balance my mother's happiness with my own (and usually failing). I have finally come to the sad realization that ultimately nothing I do has mattered -- my mom's feelings about me and about her life can change on a whim. Lately I've been dealing with emotional whiplash ... .And also gutwrenching guilt.

If you haven't already, I hope you check out the article clljhns suggested to you about F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). Here's an excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Could you elaborate on the 'emotional whiplash' and tell us a bit more about the aspects of your mother's behavior that you find the most troubling or difficult to deal with?

[Ziggiddy]

Hi gfish - I wanted to add in my welcome with the others and say that considering your feelings a tthe moment it must have taken a lot of courage to post - but you did it anyway, so well done you! 

I really get what you mean about it feeling strange to talk about your mother in terms of BPD. It does take some settling in doesn't it? It almost feels like being a traitor - or at least it did to me. When I talk about the weird crazy or cruel things my mother has done or continues to do, I feel this sense of guilt like I have betrayed her even though I am telling the truth.

As the others pointed out we are very thoroughly trained and conditioned to only ever speak well of them and we have all no doubt experienced backlash from daring to voice an independent opinion - especially of behaviour that we don't like.

So please know you are not at all alone in this and it is quite normal to feel that way. The more you become used to it the  greater your confidence will be.

And yes it is a long road but you have taken the first steps. The end destination is a sense of yourself that you have probably never had as well as an understanding and validation of your experiences that may be entirely new to you.

It IS a sad realization that nothing may have mattered to your mother, but that doesn't mean it didn't matter.

I really hope you will tell us more details about your situation (congratulations on the engagement by the way!)

Can you expand a little on the particular behaviours that your mother has that are related to BPD? How was it you discovered it?

[gfish]

Hello Ziggiddy, Kwamina, and clljhns,

Thank you for the warm welcome! It's encouraging to hear not one but THREE wonderful responses right away! As a newb to this group, I'm still getting a feel for the resources and tools available to me, and it seems like this blog thing may be a very helpful source of information. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.  

In response to your questions:

My mom exhibits many behaviors that have baffled and hurt me for years. My younger sister and I feel as if we're constantly walking on eggshells because it seems like no matter what we do or say, it will set my mom off into a rage. Her emotions and reactions are dialed up to 10 all the time, and she seems to bottle them all up until reaching a tipping point and unloading onto someone (usually me). I live in fear of her because she is the one person who can cut straight to the soft part of my heart and make me feel like a terrible person, as if I am the sole cause of the pain in her life. But then, minutes later, she acts like we're the closest of friends and she tells me to stop being upset. Hence, the emotional whiplash.

After briefly browsing some resources on this site, I came across an article about "emotional enmeshment." This article struck a chord with me and felt so chillingly accurate. I felt a wave of relief -- it was so descriptive and spot on. Growing up, my dad was frequently out of town for work, so my mom would turn to my sister and I to be her companions. She has always been the "fun mom" amongst my friends, and she was incredibly devoted to us and always said she was crazy about us and would throw herself under a bus for us. She was very controlling, but my sister and I were young and just assumed she was being protective. When I was in elementary and middle school, I witnessed a great deal of fighting between my parents, and my mother would often confide in me by telling me about her past boyfriends and how she wished she had married one of them. She told me many times that she wished she could divorce my father, but that she was financially dependent on him since she was a stay at home mom. It was SO uncomfortable, and I felt not only powerless to help her, but also completely confused about why she was turning to me for help if I was just a product of an unhappy marriage. I often feel like a middleman or a mediator between my parents, who are still married (albeit unhappily).

I have always been somewhat afraid of marriage because of the sad example I grew up with. However, over the past four years with B, I have slowly begun to heal and understand that I have the power to overcome my fears and be part of a healthy marriage. I'd very much appreciate any input about how to set a healthy foundation.

When I read through the article about emotional enmeshment, I almost started crying because of how familiar it all sounded. I'm planning to discuss it with my counselor this afternoon to see how I can learn from it. What are some other things I can bring up with my counselor to help guide therapy? She is already doing an incredible job of working with me, and I look forward to working with her in the months to come. It's scary when she asks me to consider things that are outside my comfort zone, but I know that I am on the path of growth.

I also want to mention that I did read through the "Fear/Obligation/Guilt" article as well, and I'm planning to print it out so I can bring it to counseling next time. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction.

[clljhns]

Hi gfish,

Enmeshment is very common in a relationship with a BPD parent. My mom did the same with each of us kids. My oldest sister was her main support and her surrogate partner. I also was told intimate details of my parents marriage from my mom, which I never wanted to learn. This is one of the main boundary issues with a BPD parent. They don't seem to understand healthy boundaries.

I'd very much appreciate any input about how to set a healthy foundation.

I don't know if you are familiar with any of John Bradshaw's works related to an unhealthy family. I am attaching the link here, so that you can watch and see if it resonates with you. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8370480DEC1FC455 I personally had an epiphany when I first heard this series.

I also found an article from Psychology Today on the signs of a healthy relationship. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-older-dad/201403/how-diagnose-unhealthy-relationship

I hope you find this information helpful. So glad to know that you are in a trusted relationship and are continuing to see a therapist who supports you in your journey!

Best wishes!

[clip06]

Hi gfish,

Your story sounds very familiar to me. My mom also confided in me about her divorce and her new relationship with my step-dad, but my relationship with her is rockier than ever. I got engaged in June and have been trying to figure out what my mom's role will be in my wedding planning and wedding day. It isn't easy to deal with this, but ignoring it can sometimes make you feel even more powerless. While I feel that I've made great strides in standing up for myself, I still have a long way to go.

I dated my fiance for close to eight years before I was ready for us to get engaged--he had wanted to propose for years, but I was never ready. It never had to do with him, and luckily he was extremely patient with me as I worked my way through (most of) my insecurities and fears about marriage and my doubts about whether I was ready for such an adult thing. My relationship with my mom made me feel like I was destined to always be a child, I guess, and I never felt independent.

Do you still live with your mother? My siblings moved far away--one to the other side of the country, the other to the other side of the world--but I live about 20 minutes away from my mom, mostly because I'm still in school and I have lifelong friends here who serve as part of my support system. Sometimes I wish I lived farther away since I see how easy it can be for my siblings to forget about and ignore whatever's going on with my mom, but I think it's best for me to truly face the emotions I have about our relationship and deal with them as directly as possible. Still, moving out of her house helped quite a bit, even if I didn't move very far.

One of the best things I can recommend to you is to figure out who is truly in your support system--your sister and your fiance sound like definite supporters, but are there friends around whom you can confide in? I was extremely sad during my therapy appointment when this was pointed out to me--I felt like I was in the process of losing my mom even though she never truly supported me emotionally to begin with. Finding people who will listen to you without judgment or pity are invaluable and can help you regain trust in people and relationships.

I hope you find clarity and comfort through your journey!