I just had to do it... Wanted to tell him he needs help

[whythisgirl]

After reading another posting, someone pointed out the forum where pwBPD use to discuss their disorder. The site allowed me to view and try to understand how a pwBPD thinks. Long story short, someone on that forum shared another site where a recovering pwBPD provided insight on her experience overcoming the disorder. Since my uBPDxbf is in denial I couldn't help myself so I emailed this video and website to him. Yeah I know people don't want to be identified as having a mental illness but he really needs help. So I hope he reads it.

Check out this video: www.youtu.be/gxwa8LhA0QI

Website: www.borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/04/borderline-pe-2.html

[Mutt]

Hi whythisgirl,

I like Mahari's YouTube videos. She explains from the perspective of the disorder.

Since my uBPDxbf is in denial I couldn't help myself

What is key are two things:

A severe mental illness.

Denial.

I think it's a good idea to step back and re-frame our thoughts. When our hearts have not quite caught up with our heads we're thinking with   Grieving, detaching takes time. It really does.

I really wanted to help my wife. It took a long time for me to accept truth. A person I love greatly is mentally ill. It was heartbreaking. I was also denial. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than to help a loved one and tell them she has borderline personality disorder. It was painful to watch.

It is mental illness. I'm sorry. What helped me was to accept that she is mentally ill and she's going to have to help herself. I can't do this for her.

Her reality is as real to her as mine is to me.

BPD is ingrained in her personality. Changing one's personality is difficult.

[whythisgirl]

It is mental illness. I'm sorry. What helped me was to accept that she is mentally ill and she's going to have to help herself. I can't do this for her.

Her reality is as real to her as mine is to me.

BPD is ingrained in her personality. Changing one's personality is difficult.

You are absolutely right.

In the past he would always say to me "your reality is your perception" deep down inside I know he is aware his has this illness but thinks someone would think of him as less than a person if he was forthcoming. My sister suffers from bipolar and when my ex first met her he made a point to say to me "don't treat her less than anyone else she has feelings too". Thought that was very odd for him to say since I am very protective of my sister. He bonded really well with her; and I think it is because deep down he could relate to someone else that was struggling with a mental illness.

My sister had the support from us (her family) to help her get through her struggles. While at the same time being conscious and not treating her any different from anyone else.

[Mutt]

In the past he would always say to me "your reality is your perception" deep down inside I know he is aware his has this illness but thinks someone would think of him as less than a person if he was forthcoming. My sister suffers from bipolar and when my ex first met her he made a point to say to me "don't treat her less than anyone else she has feelings too".

He's right!

Reality is open to debate.

Emotions and feelings are real.

Everyone's different in their own way. It's accepting the quirks. It's not personal to you.

[Trog]

Uf

It is so hard, it brings me close to tears every time I think of it. This woman who I loved so much, all she needs to do is X, it's so simple, it's like being locked in a cage with the key just out of arms reach, if ONLY she would take this simple step her whole life would fall into place. I've tried it all, telling her, writing it, ignoring it and being there, taking all the burden, even when her own family and a team of medical staff tell her, she simply will NOT take it. She'd rather destroy her marriage, financially ruin her family and me, just so she can not admit to having any problem. It hurts, it hurts cos we would crawl over hot coals to solve this and they won't lift a finger to do the 'simplest' thing to help themselves. I have given up and left it with god now, but I still yearn for the happy days, as few as they were, I really loved that woman, I felt closer to her than anyone in my life and I'm heartbroken. She's a total bit£h... .But I'm still heartbroken! 

[HappyNihilist]

whythisgirl, I know you care about your ex and want to see him get help. You're a caring, compassionate person.   

Sadly, it usually doesn't go well to try to talk to pwBPD or suspected pwBPD about the disorder. My exbf knew, and he could talk about it when he felt like it, but if I ever said anything, even in response to him? Rage or shut-down.

I don't exactly blame him or anyone else for that. No one wants to be told they're "damaged" somehow. pwBPD are especially sensitive to criticism, and even if they don't admit it, they usually know something's "off." It's human nature to feel defensive when we feel criticized. I know you would never mean it that way. But as you said your ex told you, one's reality is their perception. His reality is his.

I know you want to help, but the truth is that only he can help himself. You loved him. You tried. You did all you could. 

It is so hard, it brings me close to tears every time I think of it. This woman who I loved so much, all she needs to do is X, it's so simple, it's like being locked in a cage with the key just out of arms reach, if ONLY she would take this simple step her whole life would fall into place.

While I completely understand your pain and frustration, Trog, I have to disagree with your claim that "it's so simple." Overcoming a personality disorder is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work, strength, and persistence. Most people in general will not do the hard work required to discover and improve upon themselves, much less the work required to essentially reprogram one's personality. It is certainly possible, but it is definitely not easy.

And of course that's why no one else can do the work and "fix" it. Because finding that key and unlocking that cage means delving deep into one's self, opening and examining old wounds, and reframing the way one sees the world and oneself.

It is hard. It is painful. And it is completely out of our control.

It is mental illness. I'm sorry. What helped me was to accept that she is mentally ill and she's going to have to help herself. I can't do this for her.

Her reality is as real to her as mine is to me.

BPD is ingrained in her personality. Changing one's personality is difficult.

This.

[Trog]

whythisgirl, I know you care about your ex and want to see him get help. You're a caring, compassionate person.   

Sadly, it usually doesn't go well to try to talk to pwBPD or suspected pwBPD about the disorder. My exbf knew, and he could talk about it when he felt like it, but if I ever said anything, even in response to him? Rage or shut-down.

I don't exactly blame him or anyone else for that. No one wants to be told they're "damaged" somehow. pwBPD are especially sensitive to criticism, and even if they don't admit it, they usually know something's "off." It's human nature to feel defensive when we feel criticized. I know you would never mean it that way. But as you said your ex told you, one's reality is their perception. His reality is his.

I know you want to help, but the truth is that only he can help himself. You loved him. You tried. You did all you could. 

It is so hard, it brings me close to tears every time I think of it. This woman who I loved so much, all she needs to do is X, it's so simple, it's like being locked in a cage with the key just out of arms reach, if ONLY she would take this simple step her whole life would fall into place.

While I completely understand your pain and frustration, Trog, I have to disagree with your claim that "it's so simple." Overcoming a personality disorder is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work, strength, and persistence. Most people in general will not do the hard work required to discover and improve upon themselves, much less the work required to essentially reprogram one's personality. It is certainly possible, but it is definitely not easy.

And of course that's why no one else can do the work and "fix" it. Because finding that key and unlocking that cage means delving deep into one's self, opening and examining old wounds, and reframing the way one sees the world and oneself.

It is hard. It is painful. And it is completely out of our control.

It is mental illness. I'm sorry. What helped me was to accept that she is mentally ill and she's going to have to help herself. I can't do this for her.

Her reality is as real to her as mine is to me.

BPD is ingrained in her personality. Changing one's personality is difficult.

This.

I was focusing too much on my ex partner there who has the double whammy of some kind of psychotic illness, likely schitzo-effective disorder, and when that is under control, BPD. The first can be tackled with medication, which lately she is refusing, and why we broke up as she expects everyone to just accept her while she is raving and pay for her while she is making no income. That is frustrating because that only requires a pill once a day. IMO, that was the 'easy' part. Just take the bloody pills!

When that is under control, we've got the BPD. Which is not a matter of taking pills an yes, very difficult.

I do understand that in her reality she doesn't need a pill, but I find it incredibly selfish, I have paid out £10,000s to keep her while she has been unable to work, refusing medication, she is a burden on her family who have to keep taking time to help her away from their young families, but none of this registers with her, it's more important that she doesn't take this one pill and everyone else is crazy (and extremely put out) but not her. Then I get calls telling ME to face up to My responsibilities and bail her out of hospital! Yet she doesn't take responsibility of her own illness. Whatever, I leave her in gods power. The mess is too great for me.

[whythisgirl]

whythisgirl, I know you care about your ex and want to see him get help. You're a caring, compassionate person.   

Sadly, it usually doesn't go well to try to talk to pwBPD or suspected pwBPD about the disorder. My exbf knew, and he could talk about it when he felt like it, but if I ever said anything, even in response to him? Rage or shut-down.

I don't exactly blame him or anyone else for that. No one wants to be told they're "damaged" somehow. pwBPD are especially sensitive to criticism, and even if they don't admit it, they usually know something's "off." It's human nature to feel defensive when we feel criticized. I know you would never mean it that way. But as you said your ex told you, one's reality is their perception. His reality is his.

I know you want to help, but the truth is that only he can help himself. You loved him. You tried. You did all you could. 

It is so hard, it brings me close to tears every time I think of it. This woman who I loved so much, all she needs to do is X, it's so simple, it's like being locked in a cage with the key just out of arms reach, if ONLY she would take this simple step her whole life would fall into place.

While I completely understand your pain and frustration, Trog, I have to disagree with your claim that "it's so simple." Overcoming a personality disorder is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work, strength, and persistence. Most people in general will not do the hard work required to discover and improve upon themselves, much less the work required to essentially reprogram one's personality. It is certainly possible, but it is definitely not easy.

And of course that's why no one else can do the work and "fix" it. Because finding that key and unlocking that cage means delving deep into one's self, opening and examining old wounds, and reframing the way one sees the world and oneself.

It is hard. It is painful. And it is completely out of our control.

It is mental illness. I'm sorry. What helped me was to accept that she is mentally ill and she's going to have to help herself. I can't do this for her.

Her reality is as real to her as mine is to me.

BPD is ingrained in her personality. Changing one's personality is difficult.

This.

Thanks HappyNihilist! He responded said he thought it was hilarious and I may be the one with BPD and that he will own the narcissist behavior. Then later he came back to say that I'm not a licensed therapist to diagnose him. I understand that it he who needs to understand their is a problem and seek help. My hands are tied I am throwing in the towel. Its time for me to try to focus all my energy on myself. I feel my health and anxiety has been at risk worrying about a broken r/s.