Is this what Extinction control is?

[Crumbling]

Not long ago I had a very good conversation with my BPDh about what I wanted from our relationship sexually.  He seemed genuinely interested in hearing what I had to say, and outside the bedroom, he sounded completely into it.  I felt validated that he wanted to know, and at the time, that was enough for me.

Since then, each sexual encounter we've had has been more focused on his needs than ever before, and less focused on what works for me.  In fact, during our last attempt, the moment I suggested just a little shift to help things 'work better for me', he ignored what I said and shifted things so that it completely became all about him.  It ruined everything, and he knew it.  

I've been cold distant and hurt ever since.  I'm trying hard not to let it out at him, but he has been timid and distant too.  We haven't spoken of it since.  He tried to apologize right after, but it made things worse.  "I'm sorry, but I can't shift focus on you because when I do, I can't get there."  Just validated my own fear that it's my fault because I'm not 'right' for him.  I don't think he really meant it this way, but that was exactly what he said.

Is it always going to be this way with this man?  Is it worse because I've sort of set the stage to place a boundary here, and he is reacting to the anticipation of it? Is there some tool, or something we can do to help him be able to shift from him to me in times of intimacy? Do others deal with this sort of... .neglect?

He took a recent episode and the holidays as a reason to break his sobriety, and he has just called from work to say he wants to go to a friends place after work for a few drinks.  This would be the fifth day in a row that he has drank.  :)id I mention he is an alcoholic?

I'm frustrated and fed up and don't know what to do besides avoid sex and live in my own little corner of the house.  I've been reading through some really great posts, but have started to look to the 'undecided' board, too.  I read an article there about the breakdown of a relationship and the four stages that signal probable failure.  We exhibit all four, in depth, and I'm scared.

I don't want to leave this man, but it seems living with him and my own goal to be emotionally healthy are in conflict, and I don't know what to do.

c.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Crumbling]

Oops again, apparently the term is Extinction Burst, not Control.  I've been doing some more reading.

I feel like I've been trying, and being tender-footed, and done everything suggested, but it's just like he has not got the capacity to respond.  Deer in the headlights look.  That's it, then some mechanical selfish reaction and end of discussion.

I guess I'm still hoping for my own Christmas miracle. c.

[jedimaster]

 I read an article there about the breakdown of a relationship and the four stages that signal probable failure.  

Could you or someone link to this article or the thread where it's mentioned?  I'd like to read it.  I've decided 2015 will be the year for deciding whether this r/s continues or doesn't.

[JohnLove]

I read an article there about the breakdown of a relationship and the four stages that signal probable failure.  

+1 for that.

[jedimaster]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[vortex of confusion]

I don't know if I have any words of wisdom on this but I did want to let you know that you are not alone in your frustrations. The physical part of my relationship with my husband has almost always focused on him and his needs. At different times, we have had what felt like good and productive conversations about the physical stuff. But, that is where it would end. I was told to speak up more, so I did, and he took it personally. If I tried to shift things to make things better for me, it would pretty much end things right there. So, I learned to shut up and take care of him. Now, I pretty much live in my own corner of the house and sleep on the couch because I can't stand the thought of him touching me any more. Mine is a sex addict so that adds some complication to things.

[Hope0807]

Crumbling,

My heart goes out to you.  I'm usually on the L3 board.  I was exactly where you are and I hated every second of it.  But, my own little sad corner of the house lasted for years and that sad corner was right next to him in the same bed in the same room.  I'd say more, but it's not the right board for those thoughts.

Sending you a giant hug instead   

[Crumbling]

JM ~ The force is with you, man, you found the exact link!  Thanks for that.

And thanks to you too, Hope, your words and hug are comforting, even from that side of the fence. 

VC, You've described my life. My h may never have been diagnosed with a sex addiction, but because he has erectile dysfunction, he certainly has an obsession around the whole issue.  Same coffee, but from a different pot, I guess.  I have never thought about things this way before, but you've given me something to think about.

Back to the original question tho... .does anyone know anything about extinction bursts?  Is this when the non sets a boundary, or tries a new technique and the pwBPD responds with more aggressive negative behaviours?  Why does this happen?  I feel like a hamster stuck on a wheel.

It feels so much like my BPDh has basically seen me lying on the floor in defeat of his behaviours, and he just ramps them up, like one last kick to the ribs.  

I hugged him close and touched him last night, which he immediately deflected, I agreed I didn't want sex, but wanted us to still try to feel 'sexual'.  That if we didn't make an attempt to get back up on the horse soon, or at least talk about it, I was afraid we were at risk of never riding again... .sorry, I didn't intend for that to sound that way... .anyhoo    He responded with an okay, dear, later, and that was that.  Nothing has been mentioned since.

Whatever.  One minute I'm ready to nestle in my little corner, the other I'm thinking that teaching English in Korea might be fun.

c.

[qkslvrgirl]

An extinction burst is one final all-out attempt to break down the spouse's clearly defined boundary - like a toddler's temper tantrum to get what he wants.

Closing off from intimacy is the reverse - driven by a perceived threat of emotional pain due to future abandonment.  To the BPD, "nothing risked, nothing lost".

Any re-connection can only be achieved in stages over a period of time.

It is also important to establish a more equitable balance of power. Perhaps reclaiming physical space in the home is a place to start. If possible, create your own space that is self-nurturing (certainly not a corner hiding place). This validates you as a healthy separate person, worthy of self respect and respect from others.

[qkslvrgirl]

Yes, by all means, go teach English in Korea - or even better, Thailand!

Focusing on your self and accomplishing something Big is extremely healthy for you and your SO. It may trigger them initially, but often it is a relief that they are not wholly responsible for "making you happy" (when they cannot make themselves happy yet).

[Crumbling]

thanks, Q.  That makes sense- ALL of it! 

c.