Separation and stepping back from our marriage, quasi-dating

[Grey Kitty]

I just said something to my wife about how weird this feels to me right now, and she agreed.

We've live together most of our 20+ year marriage. Over the last year there were many periods of a few weeks or months were we lived over a thousand miles apart. Before that we had occasional periods, 1-3 weeks.

She just found a place to stay in a town an hour away from where I'm working on the boat. She has a car, and I don't, so she can choose to drive over and see me more or less when she wants to. I could rent a car upon occasion, and may do so. I expect us to live this way for a couple months. I may launch our boat and move it to the same town, putting myself in bicycle or walking distance.

We were always separated by more external life choices, not by the choice to live apart from each other.

This is weird.

It is like we are dialing our r/s back to dating again, although we are likely to spend half our dates with a therapist. (We still need to find the T.)

There is no longer any verbal or physical abuse in our r/s, and hasn't been for over a year. There is still conflict (currently unresolved), and we both have old enmeshed/codependent patterns to change. Also, no children.

Any advice on how to navigate this sort of relationship shift, from any of you who have done it?

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[formflier]

We were always separated by more external life choices, not by the choice to live apart from each other.

What is the difference? 

[Grey Kitty]

What is the difference? 

One earlier example, we were apart when she spent time taking care of her dad after heart surgery.

Now we are apart because we cannot live together, at least in the short term on our boat. Well, that happened before too.

The big difference is that we are trying to figure out if we can save our marriage, and are choosing to stay close enough to work on it, but NOT live together.

[EaglesJuju]

This is weird.

It is like we are dialing our r/s back to dating again, although we are likely to spend half our dates with a therapist. (We still need to find the T.)

It is weird to almost go back to the dating stage of a relationship. I feel the same way. It feels really awkward to know that you spent years with someone, then feel like you are almost starting over again.

I have working on the shift by both of us slowly working on many unresolved things that were previously a problem in the relationship.  I have found both of us discussing our unresolved issues, has actually made us closer than we have ever been.      

[formflier]

[

One earlier example, we were apart when she spent time taking care of her dad after heart surgery.

Totally understand... .

I think those are good... .positive... .healthy choices for both of you guys to make.

I wish you luck finding a T to guide you... .

Have you thought about how you will go about doing this?

[MissyM]

I feel like it has been mostly beneficial for both my dBPDh and myself.  We are trying to figure out how we can live together again.  Having space to separate when my dBPDh dysregulates has been really good for us both.  He is getting better at getting back to neutrality (that is what the new therapists are calling it) in a much more rapid way.  Hopefully as those skills increase (it has gone from days to about an hour) and other interpersonal skills increase, particularly looking for the empathy that my dBPDh is seeming to learn to have a much bigger presence in our relationship, then we will be ready to live together.  This has been a good time to figure out what I need in a relationship.  Although it looks like many different things, it has boiled down to intimacy and empathy.  I need both of these things to have a sustained relationship with my dBPDh.  It looks like that is what he is needing from me, as well.  So time will tell if we can bridge that.

Right now, we are still limiting serious talks that we have to therapy and keeping our time together as positive and loving as possible.  This will allow us to have built up positive credit in the relationship, which makes dealing with the big issues in therapy more manageable. (at least that is the theory of the therapists we are seeing)