I missed out on so much.

[Earthbayne]

This isn't a typical thread. But there will be a typical preface to it.

You see, broke up with my uexBPD in November. Stayed no contact, she broke contact on Thanksgiving with texts at 2:30 AM. I put the kabosh on everything with an email the day after. So far, it's been about 45 days with NC. I intend to keep it that way. I hope she never contacts me again. We all know, that may never happen. But this post isn't about that.

This post is about something that happened after I finally decided I needed to move on.

Once I started reconnecting with a lot of my friends and going out, people realized something had changed in me and my life. I was no longer just around for the 2-3 weeks that I was painted black. Since November, up until NYE, I was there, consistently... .going out, texting, initiating contact. The conversation came to a head on NYE with a few of my closest friends and they were happy that I was still around. I kept getting asked questions, such as: Are you still going to be around in 2 weeks?

You don't realize the effect all of this has not only on yourself, but on your reliability towards other people. I could finally start to grasp how on a larger scale, I was subtracting myself from the lives of others in order to stay with a person who never considered me a worthy addition to her life.

And yet, one of my friends on NYE finally admitted to me some deep feelings for me and that those were multiplied by seeing how on and off I was and how miserable I seemed to be as 2014 pressed forward. I started to realize that I did feel myself attracted to this friend. But then followed the bad news, she's moving to Boston in April for a job relocation. And there it was, right in front of me. This girl is not perfect, but in context, she is perfect for me. She's mentally healthy, doesn't always mirror me, and has had a healthy relationship with everyone she has come into contact with. And now, I get to face the reality that the year I spent trying to fix a broken relationship, I could have spent it with someone better.

I look back at my year, and realize that my ex took up so much of my time and energy, I missed out on so much of EVERYTHING ELSE. I will miss out on someone that I could have been great with, or at least had enjoyed more time of her company with.

And for this, I can blame no one but myself. I should have left sooner. I should have realized what I was doing to myself, what I was doing to others. Sometimes we stay, when the best thing is to leave. In one of my past threads, someone wrote me a "letter" as a future lover, and it hit home and now I know it to be true. The longer I stayed in that relationship, the longer I am missing out on everything else... .on everyone else.

[bunnyrabit]

yep, same here, I've literally lost all my friends and alienated my family due to two long term relationships with toxic people. Well, I have one friend left but he's being awfully judgmental about my poor decisions, I know he means well but I can really do without that right now.

I've come to realize, now that she's gone and I've been completely sober for a few weeks, that I was (am?) a junkie, my drug of choice being my disordered exes. And just like the heroin junkie I've lost myself in my addiction and alienated myself from everybody and everything else in my life.

Now that withdrawl is subsiding I'm left with this great big hole in my life. I guess it's up to me now to fill that hole with something more healthy than toxic relationships, alcohol or drugs but there's so many options that it feels a bit overwhelming and it paralyzes me.

[Deeno02]

Ditto. Funny how that worked.

[neverloveagain]

Wish i could have my ten years back for sure.

[Perdita]

You don't realize the effect all of this has not only on yourself, but on your reliability towards other people. I could finally start to grasp how on a larger scale, I was subtracting myself from the lives of others in order to stay with a person who never considered me a worthy addition to her life.

True words.  I was so busy trying to keep him happy that I lost track of everything and everyone else.  Someone told me over a year ago already that "you are nothing but his bloody maid".  I've been told that by a number of other people since then.  Not to mention all the time I spend helping him on his work projects.  How I always went along with what he wanted to do.  He hated going to the movies, so we never went.  Within a week after we split up, I went to the movies for the first time in years.  I am very slowly but surely getting my life back.  Was not the most exciting life, but it was at least mine.