Just feeling low and confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sit here today feeling a tiny bit better than yesterday. I can say that I feel like I've learned something more from this.

Last Sunday before our final court visit my Ex wanted to talk and being that she had to pick up the children it was a good time to speak. At this time I had been disengaging successfully. I even told her I wanted to meet her new man since she had been keeping us apart. I seen her cringe when I said that. 

I was my happy self again. It was coming back after 5 months of separation from a 15 year marriage. I was starting to feel like I was back in the land of the living. It was an odd feeling.

She started with questions about court. Why did I file? What was I hoping for? To tell me that she understood why, but she was never going to take them away from me even though I had every right to think that. Said this wasn't necessary and I never had to do any of this. I told her I was just doing what my lawyer wanted me to do and it wasn't of my doing.

The conversation ended cordially with me saying I have things to do talk to you later. Somewhere in there I got the beginning of an apology, but cut it off to say that this is us for the next decade or so. If she wanted to talk about it I'm open for counselling.

She looked off to her right out the window and I could see her gears turning. She quickly calculated the months needed to smooth things over with me and counselling before her lease ran out on the home she rents. This is what I think at least. Knowing someone for so long you kind of get to know what they are thinking.

What I do know is I just gave her an out from her current relationship if it fails and I regret for not seeing that.

She started talking about her new found heart condition and what happened when she found out. Right then I wanted to tell her what I now know, but I refrained. I talked to her about maybe getting on something to help her sleep. Her being in the medical field knew exactly where I was going and cut me off saying she didn't like the way anti depressants made her feel. I said we needed a third party mediator to help us speak to each other, because we both have preconceived notions of what we mean when we talk and we don't listen to each other. She nodded and agreed. Cried some more and left.

I thought I had made a breakthrough of sorts. I hoped I could get her into therapy and have the therapist tell her what she is suffering from or even have a therapist tell her I'm crazy. I don't care just as long as someone qualified tells her and that is not me.

I texted her the next day and asked if she had thought anymore about seeing a doctor for sleeping to which I was told she didn't need a pill for something she isn't. I tried to explain that depression isn't just being sad there are many factors. Carefully not saying that she exhibits about all of them. She said she worked out the night before and has never slept better and that was the best medicine. 15 years of odd sleeping patterns, but one day of working out cured that.

I asked my eldest later what was said when she got in the car and she said nothing just asked us what we wanted to eat normal and calm. Didn't talk about anything and was happy. She went from hunched over sadness and crying to calm collected and happy within 10 feet of walking distance.

I also started reading about Narcissism after a Google search for "Always Interrupts when I speak" turned up. I thought Narcissism was being arrogant (which I was told I was many times after the separation) and looking in the mirror wearing the best clothes. She never really took great care of her appearance and wears old tattered clothing most of the time, but after reading up on it I can see the traits as well. Lack of empathy is one I keep coming back to. That was one thing she started to apologize for - Not taking my feelings into consideration... .Before I cut it short.

I don't think I ever knew this person. My children always told me she was different when I was around.

Two days ago Sunday my Ex started talking to me about child care arraignments after picking up our children from my home. She was talking to me like we were friends and I just looked at her in disgust. She couldn't finish what she was saying and I couldn't look at her anymore so I walked away.  She said she would text me the details. She texted me the details on picking up and dropping off my children for the next two days. I asked why the change and if it was going to be permanent or temporary and got an odd answer for one day, but not the next. Asked about the next day and was told she wouldn't be home.

So I put all of this together that she was leaving state to stay with the other man for a couple days.

I've been told many things about this guy. Everything from he's a dirt bag to he has a masters degree in Biology. His own children told my eldest they don't like him at all and he's very mean. My eldest said he is very strict with his children and my two eldest children have had to tell him twice he wasn't their father after he came down on one of them. Funny, because my ex doesn't parent at all and left it up to me. I see now she is doing the same to him. Wow... .I'd run like hell if the woman I just met a couple months ago did that to me. Seriously after re reading that. I'd run for the door so fast and wouldn't even say why I'd just get up and leave. He also is starting to ask why she didn't call him and where she is at all the time. That should be a new one for her as I never cared really due to trusting her.

Either way I feel kind of sorry for him, because he isn't around everyday to see how she really is. He is only getting the best parts of her now. The good side. The fun side. Lasted about 4 or 5 months with me, but we were together every day. I'm sure within time he will propose to her and she will get what she always wanted. It will be the third marriage for both of them and they will be so happy together. I do hope he is controlling and abusive. She will continue to be a black hole of despair. I hope they cannibalize each other.

I'm at stage three of Detachment. I was starting to touch on stage four I see until last Sunday. I'm getting sick and tired of doing things to forget this nightmare. Hope to get back to the land of the living soon. I'm going to start to see a new therapist that deals exclusively with personality disorders and relationships. Hope to heaven she helps me.

So through all of this I've learned that she is going to be nice to me and give me some type of apology when she is cornered or possibly feeling guilty for something.

Thank you for reading.

[LeftSidePain]

Sit here today feeling a tiny bit better than yesterday. I can say that I feel like I've learned something more from this.

Last Sunday before our final court visit my Ex wanted to talk and being that she had to pick up the children it was a good time to speak. At this time I had been disengaging successfully. I even told her I wanted to meet her new man since she had been keeping us apart. I seen her cringe when I said that. 

I was my happy self again. It was coming back after 5 months of separation from a 15 year marriage. I was starting to feel like I was back in the land of the living. It was an odd feeling.

She started with questions about court. Why did I file? What was I hoping for? To tell me that she understood why, but she was never going to take them away from me even though I had every right to think that. Said this wasn't necessary and I never had to do any of this. I told her I was just doing what my lawyer wanted me to do and it wasn't of my doing.

The conversation ended cordially with me saying I have things to do talk to you later. Somewhere in there I got the beginning of an apology, but cut it off to say that this is us for the next decade or so. If she wanted to talk about it I'm open for counselling.

She looked off to her right out the window and I could see her gears turning. She quickly calculated the months needed to smooth things over with me and counselling before her lease ran out on the home she rents. This is what I think at least. Knowing someone for so long you kind of get to know what they are thinking.

What I do know is I just gave her an out from her current relationship if it fails and I regret for not seeing that.

She started talking about her new found heart condition and what happened when she found out. Right then I wanted to tell her what I now know, but I refrained. I talked to her about maybe getting on something to help her sleep. Her being in the medical field knew exactly where I was going and cut me off saying she didn't like the way anti depressants made her feel. I said we needed a third party mediator to help us speak to each other, because we both have preconceived notions of what we mean when we talk and we don't listen to each other. She nodded and agreed. Cried some more and left.

I thought I had made a breakthrough of sorts. I hoped I could get her into therapy and have the therapist tell her what she is suffering from or even have a therapist tell her I'm crazy. I don't care just as long as someone qualified tells her and that is not me.

I texted her the next day and asked if she had thought anymore about seeing a doctor for sleeping to which I was told she didn't need a pill for something she isn't. I tried to explain that depression isn't just being sad there are many factors. Carefully not saying that she exhibits about all of them. She said she worked out the night before and has never slept better and that was the best medicine. 15 years of odd sleeping patterns, but one day of working out cured that.

I asked my eldest later what was said when she got in the car and she said nothing just asked us what we wanted to eat normal and calm. Didn't talk about anything and was happy. She went from hunched over sadness and crying to calm collected and happy within 10 feet of walking distance.

I also started reading about Narcissism after a Google search for "Always Interrupts when I speak" turned up. I thought Narcissism was being arrogant (which I was told I was many times after the separation) and looking in the mirror wearing the best clothes. She never really took great care of her appearance and wears old tattered clothing most of the time, but after reading up on it I can see the traits as well. Lack of empathy is one I keep coming back to. That was one thing she started to apologize for - Not taking my feelings into consideration... .Before I cut it short.

I don't think I ever knew this person. My children always told me she was different when I was around.

Two days ago Sunday my Ex started talking to me about child care arraignments after picking up our children from my home. She was talking to me like we were friends and I just looked at her in disgust. She couldn't finish what she was saying and I couldn't look at her anymore so I walked away.  She said she would text me the details. She texted me the details on picking up and dropping off my children for the next two days. I asked why the change and if it was going to be permanent or temporary and got an odd answer for one day, but not the next. Asked about the next day and was told she wouldn't be home.

So I put all of this together that she was leaving state to stay with the other man for a couple days.

I've been told many things about this guy. Everything from he's a dirt bag to he has a masters degree in Biology. His own children told my eldest they don't like him at all and he's very mean. My eldest said he is very strict with his children and my two eldest children have had to tell him twice he wasn't their father after he came down on one of them. Funny, because my ex doesn't parent at all and left it up to me. I see now she is doing the same to him. Wow... .I'd run like hell if the woman I just met a couple months ago did that to me. Seriously after re reading that. I'd run for the door so fast and wouldn't even say why I'd just get up and leave. He also is starting to ask why she didn't call him and where she is at all the time. That should be a new one for her as I never cared really due to trusting her.

Either way I feel kind of sorry for him, because he isn't around everyday to see how she really is. He is only getting the best parts of her now. The good side. The fun side. Lasted about 4 or 5 months with me, but we were together every day. I'm sure within time he will propose to her and she will get what she always wanted. It will be the third marriage for both of them and they will be so happy together. I do hope he is controlling and abusive. She will continue to be a black hole of despair. I hope they cannibalize each other.

I'm at stage three of Detachment. I was starting to touch on stage four I see until last Sunday. I'm getting sick and tired of doing things to forget this nightmare. Hope to get back to the land of the living soon. I'm going to start to see a new therapist that deals exclusively with personality disorders and relationships. Hope to heaven she helps me.

So through all of this I've learned that she is going to be nice to me and give me some type of apology when she is cornered or possibly feeling guilty for something.

Thank you for reading.

[Mutt]

Hi LeftSidePain,

I got a little back-story when you shared in my thread.

Communicating and being validated by my ex was frustrating. She caused you an awful lot of pain with how she left you and finding about the other man from your kids I'm sorry. It's likely difficult interacting with her because of the lack of empathy for the pain she caused. Are thinking of going into couples counselling?

I sense an ambivalence. I can read the anger and rightfully so. I'm also sensing that perhaps you want to make it work? My apologies if I'm missing the mark.

I'm sorry for what your kids are going through.