I need help with my BPD husband

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sorry Mike, I've only just seen your post, thanks for taking the time to reply. When I said 'put my crap aside' I meant for now, I don't want to make him feel even worse than he already does.

MrsKirby, I was just trying to provide validation that "your" feelings are understandable, in my opinion, and that you shouldn't be hard on yourself for your reactions thus far and shouldn't neglect your own needs, wants, desires, etc. in the relationship.  The lessons and people on the board (like formflier) will hopefully provide you with the support, understanding, and tools necessary to get through this and remain healthy.  You have done the right thing, in my opinion, by reaching out to this community.

[Mike-X]

Sorry Mike, I've only just seen your post, thanks for taking the time to reply. When I said 'put my crap aside' I meant for now, I don't want to make him feel even worse than he already does.

MrsKirby, I was just trying to provide validation that "your" feelings are understandable, in my opinion, and that you shouldn't be hard on yourself for your reactions thus far and shouldn't neglect your own needs, wants, desires, etc. in the relationship.  The lessons and people on the board (like formflier) will hopefully provide you with the support, understanding, and tools necessary to get through this and remain healthy.  You have done the right thing, in my opinion, by reaching out to this community.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Adeleine]

I agree Mike, my feelings and emotions are totally justified, BPD or no BPD if your spouse just sods off for days on end no one can just shut off, as much as I wish I could

I think that by me being a bit hard on myself it's my way of maybe teaching myself on how to react to his behaviour? I don't know? I feel like I know very little about anything right now if I'm honest. I've never been one to back down from an argument and what I've been learning on here for the past couple of days is that I need to change and deal with things differently than I always have in order to make my relationship work. My attitude has always been that I'm not the one with the disorder so it's not my problem which it would seem is what has been causing the problem that is in fact actually, my problem? Does that make sense?

[formflier]

I think that by me being a bit hard on myself it's my way of maybe teaching myself on how to react to his behaviour? I don't know? I feel like I know very little about anything right now if I'm honest. I've never been one to back down from an argument and what I've been learning on here for the past couple of days is that I need to change and deal with things differently than I always have in order to make my relationship work. My attitude has always been that I'm not the one with the disorder so it's not my problem which it would seem is what has been causing the problem that is in fact actually, my problem? Does that make sense?

Labeling people or disorders... .is usually not helpful.  It is a relationship... .both sides need to give.

pwBPD tend to be less flexible than "nons".  I believe that this gives "nons" more power... .because they possess the power to change... which will force the pwBPD to change.

Listen... .backing down from a fight is not a sign of weakness.  I'm a military guy... winning every battle is not important.  Winning the war is. 

If backing down is the smart... .tactical thing to do... and it fits in with the long term plan for the r/s... .then back down.

If the issue is a value/boundary that you have decided not to budge on... .don't budge.

[Adeleine]

Ok so he came home this morning. I had to ask him outright if he was seeing someone else, he said no, he wouldn't do that. I needed to ask the question for my peace of mind because that would be a severe boundary breaker. I'm sure that I wouldn't end the relationship over it but it would break my heart. I'm obviously happy with his answer to the question.

He admitted that he didn't meet his friend at the gym yesterday (he doesn't know that I've spoken to him) so I'm glad that he didn't lie to me. He's just gone to meet his friend at the gym and I said to him to tell me if he's not coming home because I wouldn't bother to do dinner and waste food if he wasn't. He assured me that he would be home after the gym. I told him to text me when he is almost done and I'll start cooking it. We spent the day together today and we were with a couple of friends, he was acting like his normal happy self and it was so nice to see and to be around him like that. He said that he's staying home tonight but I don't know if he will. I hope he does. Now that he's told me that he's not cheating I can relax a bit when he's not here.

I just want to thank you so much for all your help and advice. You've been an absolute god send to me over the last few days and I'm sure that you will continue to be