An Apology Message

[Infared]

"To me, she is the sober, hard working person I knew her as, although she had many problems with depression and anxiety even when clean"

Panumbra... .I am an addict in recovery for 12 yrs. I have a sponsor. I go to 3 mtgs. a week (happily).I used to go to 7 a week. I help other addicts. I have a self-help network. And I had 3 yrs of T and group T at the beginning of my recovery.  

When you tell me she had anxiety and depression... .that, to me, sounds like "untreated" alcoholism.  Addicts problems center in their mind and spirit. Take away my drugs and alcohol and leave me "untreated"... I am going to be a mess. I was medicating my problem (me).

So take away my medicine and I am erratic, needy person and I will use credit cards, relationships, sex, exercise, work and anything else to medicate me... .becThe ause I have not addressed the problem... .I am only dry.  I am a distraught, miserable time-bomb... .just waiting to go off!  There is help out there and she knows it... .She just chooses not to seek it. She has chosen the other direction... .You cannot help her... .just let her go... .let her hit bottom... .take care of you, my friend. She is showing you the real "her".

[patientandclear]

Penumbra, 

I really feel for you. I had similar contact from my ex four months after a big blow up where he acted like he wanted to write me out of his life for exploring my feeling that he was using me while involved with another woman.  That (the blow up and cut off) was super hard but I worked hard at accepting it.  I set a boundary, he didn't like it, he made a decision, OK.

What was much harder was when he reached out as your ex is doing to you now.  Mine did not write words of apology but he did acts of apology.  He sent a special gift he had made himself, that was meaningful to us both.  He proposed to meet.

Like you I felt incredible resentment.  It surprised me.  I thought I was longing for him (and at some level I definitely still am).  But when he reached out, it was without any real repair.  It ignored what I'd said about my conditions for a close relationship.  It was without any emotional safety for me.  And most of all, like you wrote also, I felt used.  And worst: I thought he might be using me, but I wasn't sure.  That uncertainty has driven me nuts ever since (I didn't meet him and haven't heard from him since, and I struggle with regret around that and other boundaries I've set over the course of the r/ship that caused him to run).

But just think about that sentence I wrote above: "I thought he might be using me, but I wasn't sure."  Even not being sure whether someone you've loved so deeply might be using you ... .maybe that tells us everything we need to know.

[Infared]

Wow P&C ... .our stories are all so similar:

"But when he reached out, it was without any real repair.  It ignored what I'd said about my conditions for a close relationship.  It was without any emotional safety for me.  And most of all, like you wrote also, I felt used.  And worst: I thought he might be using me, but I wasn't sure.  That uncertainty has driven me nuts ever since (I didn't meet him and haven't heard from him since, and I struggle with regret around that and other boundaries I've set over the course of the r/ship that caused him to run)."

Mine would try to "accidentally" run into me.  So if I engaged in that I would be completely emotionally vulnerable as there was no admission or responsibility taken on their part, leaving the interaction on my emotional dime.  I always would not allow the contact... .after all it was starting with an outright manipulation. No thanks. Clearly nothing had changed.

[Loveofhislife]

"To me, she is the sober, hard working person I knew her as, although she had many problems with depression and anxiety even when clean"

Panumbra... .I am an addict in recovery for 12 yrs. I have a sponsor. I go to 3 mtgs. a week (happily).I used to go to 7 a week. I help other addicts. I have a self-help network. And I had 3 yrs of T and group T at the beginning of my recovery.  

When you tell me she had anxiety and depression... .that, to me, sounds like "untreated" alcoholism.  Addicts problems center in their mind and spirit. Take away my drugs and alcohol and leave me "untreated"... I am going to be a mess. I was medicating my problem (me).

So take away my medicine and I am erratic, needy person and I will use credit cards, relationships, sex, exercise, work and anything else to medicate me... .becThe ause I have not addressed the problem... .I am only dry.  I am a distraught, miserable time-bomb... .just waiting to go off!  There is help out there and she knows it... .She just chooses not to seek it. She has chosen the other direction... .You cannot help her... .just let her go... .let her hit bottom... .take care of you, my friend. She is showing you the real "her".

Infrared:  Thanks so much for your willingness to be so honest with us here.  VERY refreshing.  My "belief" system about this disorder, addiction, and recovery are similar, but I  have not walked your walk.  I have written many times on this board my beliefs about the power of choice and free will--I do KNOW that change is more difficult for anyone with a personality disorder.

However, I know that change is difficult for EVERYBODY.  It is hard work. Years ago after reading everything Melody Beattie and Scott Peck had written, I had to face down that I'm codependent--and that isn't easy to change either.  It's certainly a significant reason why I entered a relationship with exBPDbf and why I stayed for a year of mostly torture and abuse.

As for apologies, here's what I got about three months after abandonment, "I'm sorry for everything that's happened."

My best girl friend's interpretation was, "SEE! He NEEDS you again."  As simple as that sounds, I believe she's correct.  Love=need for these folks.  Whatever it is they need (in my case, he needs me to back off and stop pursuing a financial settlement and court involvement).  Prior to his learning that I was pursuing legal remedies for the $$$, I had not heard a thing.

Thanks all for this thread.

[downwhim]

"Watching someone you think you know become a stranger is, I think, the most painful experience one can have. When I think about her, she seems incapable of behaving the way she did at the end of our relationship. I don't think I will ever reconcile those two halves, the mostly kind one who adored me, and the sinister one who abused and manipulated me. And I will never know which one is genuine, because it doesn't seem possible that they were both her. "

My ex BPD fiancé went from affectionate and loving - concerned about me, my car, my dog, my job, etc and being there for me 100 percent to being cold, calculated, manipulative, angry, vindictive, abusive and out of control. 2 different people in a short period of time. It is like he turned the channel on the tv. Anything could piss him off.

I have no idea which one is genuine or if I meant one thing to him, ever. One minute Mr. Nice guy and the next split into a loving, kind, caring person. He only saw himself as the later. He never admitted his rages or his bizarre behaviors were an issue.

Oh, they are so much work and I am in the middle of graduating... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Great thread peeps.

So that's the most difficult question for me. Who was she really?

That's the kicker, she wasn't anyone, at least in a pure borderline sense.  Borderlines lack a sense of self, since they never detached from their primary caregivers as tots and developed their own self, their own ego.  We use our egos as a compass, it stays relatively stable regardless of the emotions we're experiencing, in other words when the sht hits the fan we still know who we are, but for someone without a self, rudderless, whatever they're feeling is their reality, and who they are to themselves is who they are in the moment, subject to change.  From the outside that gets labelled an unstable sense of self, hard to get our heads around at first, but once we do it becomes clear how someone could seem like an entirely different person in different situations and with different people, and how trying to reconcile the different manifestations is futile and pointless.

[Infared]

"To me, she is the sober, hard working person I knew her as, although she had many problems with depression and anxiety even when clean"

Panumbra... .I am an addict in recovery for 12 yrs. I have a sponsor. I go to 3 mtgs. a week (happily).I used to go to 7 a week. I help other addicts. I have a self-help network. And I had 3 yrs of T and group T at the beginning of my recovery.  

When you tell me she had anxiety and depression... .that, to me, sounds like "untreated" alcoholism.  Addicts problems center in their mind and spirit. Take away my drugs and alcohol and leave me "untreated"... I am going to be a mess. I was medicating my problem (me).

So take away my medicine and I am erratic, needy person and I will use credit cards, relationships, sex, exercise, work and anything else to medicate me... .becThe ause I have not addressed the problem... .I am only dry.  I am a distraught, miserable time-bomb... .just waiting to go off!  There is help out there and she knows it... .She just chooses not to seek it. She has chosen the other direction... .You cannot help her... .just let her go... .let her hit bottom... .take care of you, my friend. She is showing you the real "her".

Infrared:  Thanks so much for your willingness to be so honest with us here.  VERY refreshing.  My "belief" system about this disorder, addiction, and recovery are similar, but I  have not walked your walk.  I have written many times on this board my beliefs about the power of choice and free will--I do KNOW that change is more difficult for anyone with a personality disorder.

However, I know that change is difficult for EVERYBODY.  It is hard work. Years ago after reading everything Melody Beattie and Scott Peck had written, I had to face down that I'm codependent--and that isn't easy to change either.  It's certainly a significant reason why I entered a relationship with exBPDbf and why I stayed for a year of mostly torture and abuse.

As for apologies, here's what I got about three months after abandonment, "I'm sorry for everything that's happened."

My best girl friend's interpretation was, "SEE! He NEEDS you again."  As simple as that sounds, I believe she's correct.  Love=need for these folks.  Whatever it is they need (in my case, he needs me to back off and stop pursuing a financial settlement and court involvement).  Prior to his learning that I was pursuing legal remedies for the $$$, I had not heard a thing.

Thanks all for this thread.

Well... .S far as my recovery goes... Pain and despair was my motivator... .it wasn't't like I woke up one day... .every thing was roses and I thought to myself... ."hmmmm. Maybe I should go to an AA Mtg today!".  I was hitting a horrible bottom... .emotionally, spiritually and physically... .I can at least thank my BPD treatment of me bringing me face to face with my disease.   

It is funny how are stories are so similar.

Mine was running off during the holidays (with my replacement, but lying about everything)... .but as she had announced she was leaving me and not giving me ANYA substantial reason for doing so... .at one point she slipped out with: "I didn't know this was going to happen". ... I said "well, hat exactly is happening?" (As I smelled a rat). She got very flustered and uncomfortable in that moment, but admitted to nothing... .but she knew I had caught her in a "thinking out loud" moment.

It just amazes me... that she obviously made herself available to this person, decided to become involved... .but in her world it "happened" to her. There was no involvement on her part... she was a victim... .and of course... if that is her reality... .she has absolutely no responsibility to me or our relationship.  No fuss no muss.  ... .as I headed straight off an emotional cliff.  She was like a person who came up out of the cellar after a tornado, the house is gone and she says:”I don't see anything wrong here".

So sick.

I believe that she thought that s

[Penumbra66]

"To me, she is the sober, hard working person I knew her as, although she had many problems with depression and anxiety even when clean"

Panumbra... .I am an addict in recovery for 12 yrs. I have a sponsor. I go to 3 mtgs. a week (happily).I used to go to 7 a week. I help other addicts. I have a self-help network. And I had 3 yrs of T and group T at the beginning of my recovery.  

When you tell me she had anxiety and depression... .that, to me, sounds like "untreated" alcoholism.  Addicts problems center in their mind and spirit. Take away my drugs and alcohol and leave me "untreated"... I am going to be a mess. I was medicating my problem (me).

So take away my medicine and I am erratic, needy person and I will use credit cards, relationships, sex, exercise, work and anything else to medicate me... .becThe ause I have not addressed the problem... .I am only dry.  I am a distraught, miserable time-bomb... .just waiting to go off!  There is help out there and she knows it... .She just chooses not to seek it. She has chosen the other direction... .You cannot help her... .just let her go... .let her hit bottom... .take care of you, my friend. She is showing you the real "her".

Before I understood about BPD, I had some experience dealing with addicts and alcoholics in my life. Three of my best friends growing up began drinking in junior high and went on to make total messes up their lives. One managed to stop drinking, and remains in recovery about eight years after he stopped. I've dated two women that were alcoholics, and one that was addicted to pain pills following a series of surgeries. They were very good at hiding their addictions, they worked, excelled in school. With my ex, it was a different story. She was probably the most mentally healthy she had been in her life, a stellar student, post graduation job opportunities, applying to top graduate schools, volunteering. Within weeks of using drugs and alcohol again, her entire life seem to unravel. She barely graduated from college, because she missed classes, got caught cheating, blew off assignments, failed midterms. She ended up begging a professor for enough extra credit points just to pass her class. She would show up at her internship so high that she had to lock herself in her office, vomiting in her trashcan, and nodding off. That was when she actually showed up for work.

Out of all the alcoholics and drug addicts I've known, only one of them behaved worse. He ended up in jail and homeless. I don't even know if he is still alive. It's funny, because even when she was sober, she reminded me of him. They both had a very elaborate way of solving ethical problems, creating arguments of great complexity where none was required. It's as if they both lacked a moral compass, and they struggled to understand issues of right and wrong that even an absolute moral relevist would breeze through in two seconds flat. Somewhere I picked up the term "moral moron," with obvious meaning. I think it describes her to a T.

Anyway, what I wanted to comment on was the idea of substituting one addiction for another. I questioned if her attraction to me– – obsession might be a more accurate term – –combined with her needy behavior, was an attempt to cope with her addictions while trying to maintain sobriety. I wondered if I took her mind off her drugs of choice. Sometimes her behavior in life and particularly towards me had that sense of desperation. I always had a feeling that I was managing not just my mental health – – which frankly is challenging enough – – but hers as well. And while I knew she was an unstable person, I had no idea she could fall so far so fast. It was only with a few months apart that I realized just how serious her addictions were, how sick she was. Again, being around alcoholics and drug addicts, living with them, dating them, watching them screw up their lives--nothing I've ever seen prepared me for this. They were mountains of stability compared to her.

I had naïvely arranged an assessment at an addiction treatment center for her, which would've taken all but an hour. This was a facility that my mother worked at for most of her career, and I ended up talking to one of her colleagues, who convinced me to bring her by. And of course when I mentioned it to her, she was simply "too busy" to make an appointment. My friend in recovery told me that I was running a fool's errand, but I honestly believed that if I could get her there, the problem was solved. All the experience I've had with my friends and family members, and my perspective with her is so far off. I was just too close I suppose. I had enough interactions with others with addiction, but with her I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

With both BPD and addiction problems, I don't think I'd have too much trouble understanding what someone else was going through. Certainly I could give advice to a friend in my situation if they needed it. But when it's me in the middle, I'm lost.

[Penumbra66]

Great thread peeps.

So that's the most difficult question for me. Who was she really?

That's the kicker, she wasn't anyone, at least in a pure borderline sense.  Borderlines lack a sense of self, since they never detached from their primary caregivers as tots and developed their own self, their own ego.  We use our egos as a compass, it stays relatively stable regardless of the emotions we're experiencing, in other words when the sht hits the fan we still know who we are, but for someone without a self, rudderless, whatever they're feeling is their reality, and who they are to themselves is who they are in the moment, subject to change.  From the outside that gets labelled an unstable sense of self, hard to get our heads around at first, but once we do it becomes clear how someone could seem like an entirely different person in different situations and with different people, and how trying to reconcile the different manifestations is futile and pointless.

And that's a scary thing, isn't it? She wasn't anyone. Intellectually, I can understand an unstable sense of self, but only as an abstraction. It's like solving a complicated math problem  but having only a vague understanding of the concepts behind it. It's something I can't feel, can't imagine, that exists just beyond my understanding. Here is a person I felt very close to, my best friend, lover, family. A trusted confidant. And then to realize that who I thought she was isn't even really even a lie, but something worse. There was nothing genuine about her, no integrity, no consistent values or beliefs. Someone without the possibility of ever truly getting to know. The more I think about it the more my head hurts. Nothing in my life ever prepared me for this. It's no wonder my friends don't understand when it's something I'm still struggling to figure out.

[fromheeltoheal]

Great thread peeps.

So that's the most difficult question for me. Who was she really?

That's the kicker, she wasn't anyone, at least in a pure borderline sense.  Borderlines lack a sense of self, since they never detached from their primary caregivers as tots and developed their own self, their own ego.  We use our egos as a compass, it stays relatively stable regardless of the emotions we're experiencing, in other words when the sht hits the fan we still know who we are, but for someone without a self, rudderless, whatever they're feeling is their reality, and who they are to themselves is who they are in the moment, subject to change.  From the outside that gets labelled an unstable sense of self, hard to get our heads around at first, but once we do it becomes clear how someone could seem like an entirely different person in different situations and with different people, and how trying to reconcile the different manifestations is futile and pointless.

And that's a scary thing, isn't it? She wasn't anyone. Intellectually, I can understand an unstable sense of self, but only as an abstraction. It's like solving a complicated math problem  but having only a vague understanding of the concepts behind it. It's something I can't feel, can't imagine, that exists just beyond my understanding. Here is a person I felt very close to, my best friend, lover, family. A trusted confidant. And then to realize that who I thought she was isn't even really even a lie, but something worse. There was nothing genuine about her, no integrity, no consistent values or beliefs. Someone without the possibility of ever truly getting to know. The more I think about it the more my head hurts. Nothing in my life ever prepared me for this. It's no wonder my friends don't understand when it's something I'm still struggling to figure out.

An explanation that sits well with me is you know that voice in your head?  The one that just said 'what voice'?  A borderline doesn't have one of those, and probably has the voice of a punitive parent instead, which makes sure there's always shame, but since there is no central 'me' they look to attachments, external input, to 'become somebody'.  And also, since there's no ego voicing a voice, the emotions rule and become facts, like living in emotional weather with no protection full time, subject to the next storm.  That doesn't make the behaviors acceptable, but it does make them a little more understandable.

[downwhim]

"And that's a scary thing, isn't it? She wasn't anyone. Intellectually, I can understand an unstable sense of self, but only as an abstraction. It's like solving a complicated math problem  but having only a vague understanding of the concepts behind it. It's something I can't feel, can't imagine, that exists just beyond my understanding. Here is a person I felt very close to, my best friend, lover, family. A trusted confidant. And then to realize that who I thought she was isn't even really even a lie, but something worse. There was nothing genuine about her, no integrity, no consistent values or beliefs. Someone without the possibility of ever truly getting to know. The more I think about it the more my head hurts. Nothing in my life ever prepared me for this. It's no wonder my friends don't understand when it's something I'm still struggling to figure out."

Once they could be trusted and they broke this trust with their lies, cheating, pushing/pulling, manipulating... .Who are they? Not even they know, so how are we suppose to? I still expect mine to be at my door saying "I am sorry, I didn't mean it, I love you." What a joke that is. He is incapable of loving anyone, himself included. I struggle daily with the unfairness of it all and the unbelievable acting I witnessed on a daily basis. He is not a man of character, he is a man in character at all times.

All in one day after 8 years my fiancé, best friend, lover, confidant disappeared without a trace. No one understands but those of us that have experienced dealing with BPD's just how complicated their thinking patterns are. Actually maybe complicated is not the word maybe simple, immature and impulsive.

My ex talked under his breath a lot and said thing out loud that he didn't mean for me to hear. Here are a few of them:

I am putting all your pictures in a box.

I am not going to stay at your house again.

I have a plan for sex. (it was that he was keeping it from me).

Sick.

[fromheeltoheal]

She would show up at her internship so high that she had to lock herself in her office, vomiting in her trashcan, and nodding off. That was when she actually showed up for work.

In the case of alcoholics and addicts events like that can actually be the good news; when the consequences get so extreme that a lot of pain is felt it can be the wake up call, the 'hitting bottom' that is so necessary to start to look for other answers and break an addiction to chemicals.  Although with a personality disorder who knows; in my ex's case she didn't do drugs, except for a boatload of psychotropic pharmaceuticals, but when she drank it just exaggerated the behaviors, I liked it less and so did she, and it ended up being self-limiting because her life was hard enough.

[Reforming]

Hi Penumbra,

I hope you're doing ok and all the great responses are you helping you process your exes message.

I got a text message 15 months after the end of my relationship. Thanks to this site I was expecting her make some effort to recycle or at least keep my on tap as a possible supply, but I still found it incredibly difficult.

When I read your posts I was reminded of one of the best lessons on the this site.

10 Beliefs that can you get stuck

pdf with full text

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Read more

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. Read more

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your BPD partners concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts... .Read more

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.  For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul... .Read more

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.

BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too... .Read more

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions.  “But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship... .Read more

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words... .

People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly. This implies... .Read more

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our BPD partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us. During an actual breakup it is different. Distancing triggers all kinds of abandonment... .Read more

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them

You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.  The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner – no matter how well intentioned.  Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior... .Read more

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away... .Read more

It's over two years since my relationship ended, but I find that I still need to this list every now and then to remind myself of the reality of my relationship.

Reforming

[Infared]

Hi Penumbra,

I hope you're doing ok and all the great responses are you helping you process your exes message.

I got a text message 15 months after the end of my relationship. Thanks to this site I was expecting her make some effort to recycle or at least keep my on tap as a possible supply, but I still found it incredibly difficult.

When I read your posts I was reminded of one of the best lessons on the this site.

10 Beliefs that can you get stuck

pdf with full text

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Read more

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. Read more

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your BPD partners concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts... .Read more

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.  For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul... .Read more

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.

BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too... .Read more

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions.  “But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship... .Read more

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words... .

People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly. This implies... .Read more

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our BPD partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us. During an actual breakup it is different. Distancing triggers all kinds of abandonment... .Read more

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them

You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.  The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner – no matter how well intentioned.  Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior... .Read more

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away... .Read more

It's over two years since my relationship ended, but I find that I still need to this list every now and then to remind myself of the reality of my relationship.

Reforming

Thanks 4 the reminder!   

[Tim300]

The problem is that even if a pwBPD has a moment of clarity and believes these kind words (i.e., is not just lying), she is likely to somehow get triggered into being a completely different person 2 weeks later.  So basically, her words mean nothing outside of brief time intervals. 

[Penumbra66]

Hi Penumbra,

I hope you're doing ok and all the great responses are you helping you process your exes message.

I got a text message 15 months after the end of my relationship. Thanks to this site I was expecting her make some effort to recycle or at least keep my on tap as a possible supply, but I still found it incredibly difficult.

When I read your posts I was reminded of one of the best lessons on the this site.

10 Beliefs that can you get stuck

pdf with full text

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Read more

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. Read more

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your BPD partners concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts... .Read more

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.  For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul... .Read more

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.

BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too... .Read more

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions.  “But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship... .Read more

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words... .

People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly. This implies... .Read more

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our BPD partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us. During an actual breakup it is different. Distancing triggers all kinds of abandonment... .Read more

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them

You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.  The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner – no matter how well intentioned.  Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior... .Read more

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away... .Read more

It's over two years since my relationship ended, but I find that I still need to this list every now and then to remind myself of the reality of my relationship.

Reforming

Reforming, thank you for this. To all who wrote in this thread, thank you.

For some reason her "apology" really bothered me. In fact, I have been meaning to respond for about a month now, but haven't posted ANYTHING until today.

There were so many broken agreements: to end the affair, to send him a goodbye message, erase his contact info, and to work on our relationship, to "make things right." Dumping me for him, then changing her mind, almost weekly for five or six weeks, all the while insisting on her "love" for me, while pulling away. I was in totally shock for weeks after the breakup, because I couldn't imagine anyone treating another human being like that. I simple could not believe it. And of course she mentions exactly that in her email, wondering how she could treat "a total stranger, let alone someone I loved." But she did, and showed very little remorse, mostly mocking me in my pain, telling me "these things happen, and you have to deal with it", and worse. So to me it's completely insincere, because I don't know how the need to behave with common decency suddenly becomes apparent. Most likely she's triangulating, checking the attachement. I remained no contact.

Last week a notice popped up on my phone that she had just visited my dating website account, so I turned the phone off. It took me about 24 hours to check my account, and I was filled with dread the entire time. Luckily, no message, and she had already deactivated her account before I could even block her. So she's made three appearances online including two emails, once every three or four weeks. Part of me wants to send her the most vicious, hate filled response, just so she'll leave me alone. Hopefully I will refrain, and eventually she will leave me alone.

NC for about four months, BU about six months ago. I will never understand how a 5'4" woman could cause so much grief: She still scares the he! out of me.