Please Help Me Figure Myself Out

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone,

I’m hoping that some of the more experienced people here can help me see why I seem to be going though the same cycles in my life.  I’d really like to fix whatever is broken within myself so that I have the kind of relationship that I want and deserve but to do that I need to be aware of exactly what the problem is AND understand how to resolve it once and for all.

So here it goes…

I feel like my life is going in cycles.  I live alone and in a city where I don’t have family.  My friends are either work buddies who I go to lunch with every day or people I socialize with at during social dancing on the weekends - something that I really enjoy doing.  They’re all friends in the sense that we all hang out together but not in the sense that there’s a sense of kinship.  My “best friends” tend to be the girls I’m in a relationship with.

What I’m about to say has happened three (3) times in a row.  Three times!

What happens is, I feel a deep sense of loneliness while living my life but I try to distract myself with hobbies or learning new things or going to dance parties and talking to people.  I usually spend my energy really getting to know people, to truly connect with them.  Because that’s what I really want: deep, soulful connection.  I don’t really enjoy talking to people about superficial things happening out in the world like sports or current events.  It’s like I want to know about them, their life, their story, their struggles, their accomplishments.  Likewise I want to have the trust and vulnerability to be able to talk about my own life in the same ways, to feel their love and support too. 

Social programming informs me that this isn’t a very male characteristic, which induces a sense of inferiority, unattractiveness to the opposite sex, and shame about these desires.  It seems as though a majority of guys simply don’t respect men to value these things, so I feel I must reserve these tendencies in mixed company.

Anyway, here’s what happens.  I meet a girl and she seems super into me.  I’m a bit cautious at first because I can’t stand dingbats but when I find out she’s pretty intelligent *and* attractive then I’m totally interested.  Within a week we are spending most of our evenings together and staying up until 2am on work-nights disclosing our inner worlds to each other, sharing honest and intimate details about ourselves, our past relationships, our accomplishments, our biggest fears, our desires to someday experience parenthood, what it was like growing up in our families, how easy we tend to fall in love, our insecurities, our favorite musicians, and on and on.  It Feels Great to me in those moments.  I start feeling like FINALLY there is somebody in the world who actually *cares* about me, about who I *really* am, who wants to actually *know* me, and who wants me to actually *know* her.  In these moments I feel alive!  Like all of the work I’ve put into myself, all of the years of building myself into being the accomplished, warm-hearted, authentically Good Person that I am is finally acknowledged and validated. 

During this time I know that things are getting heated awfully quickly.  And I know that sex is probably the next step.  But I don’t actually want sex for the sake of sex - and I would be and many times was willing to keep sex out of the relationship in order to build more of a sense of trust and connection with her instead of loading what seemed like a good things with whatever negative side-effects might occur if there’s any sense of pressure about sex.  I truly am not one of the many a-holes in the world that just want to use women for sex… and I don’t have any idea how anybody could take advantage of someone else that way.  So I make it a point to not care when sex happens.  Despite my no-pressure-about-sex attitude, it tends to happen at about week 2 at the latest. 

Now because I live alone it seems really convenient for her to stay over… what turns out to be Every Single Night.  Overwhelmingly I enjoy her company, so I would be pushing against my own current to ask her not to stay over if she wanted to.  Now the last time this happened I intuitively knew that this every-single-night starting in week 2 business wasn’t doing good things (this comes from the wisdom of friends and family, not from me) and so I had mentally prepared myself ahead of time for things not to get the that point.  But they did anyway.  Why?  Because I LOVED the connection and the intimacy (I’m not talking about sex here) and I was so ready to be done feeling lonely in my place, by myself.  I reasoned “what is so wrong with two people who enjoy spending time together?”  This last time around I asked my therapist if it was too soon to be spending every night together (during week 3) and she said “If there’s no problems or negative feelings happening then do it!  Sure, have fun!  I don’t see a problem with it.”

The connection I feel during these moments is something I feel like I’ve missed for such a long time, through many months of loneliness.  And then, finally, my lonely days are over.  She seems like a total catch too!  She’s smart and fun to be around and we enjoy many of the same things, and the things we don’t have in common seem really fun and interesting to learn about.  And then we text message each other with happy things during the days while at work, saying how much we miss each other and look forward to spending the next evening together and can’t believe how good things feel when we’re together.  About a month or so into it I’m buying flowers and a card to give to her after work and telling her it’s fine if she keeps her 2 shampoo and 3 conditioner bottles, body wash and puff ball in the shower instead of packing it back away in her overnight bag after each time we shower together.  And telling her she can keep her toothbrush right there next to mine.  Everything seems so happy and it’s so hard to see that there’s any problem when things feel so good.

And then things start to turn crazy.

There is something that happens.  Either she is totally pissed about something I said that she twisted way out of proportion (gf 1), or she starts passive-aggressively trying to provoke a response from me (gf 2), or she starts telling me how she misses being called the pet name her ex-boyfriend called her or that her mind is confusing me with her ex (gf 3).  And in each of these occasions I feel like my security blanket was just snapped away from me and I was smacked across my chest.  I respond assertively with something along the lines of, “That really hurts!  I don’t know why you’d say that to me.  What gives?  Do you think I wanted to hear that?”  The next thing I know she’s either crying on the floor or on the bed begging me to stay and not leave her.  One time I had a girl (gf 2) full-on bow on the ground - while both crying and praying - with her knees, forehead, and palms all on the floor.  In all cases I said I was going to end the relationship because things got super strange really quickly.  They were all devastated and/or crying hysterically.

And then I changed my mind.

This is the point in time that I can’t seem to get a handle on.  I’m trying hard to mentally put myself in that moment, to remember what went through my mind.  I knew I had the grief of breakup and the pain of loneliness waiting for me, which I highly resisted the idea of.  I mean who volunteers to go into solitary confinement?  And I remembered how happy I was just hours ago and so I go into a sense of denial.  But the fact that she’s right there in front of me, feeling such pain and agony at the idea of losing me… the idea that someone in the world who I enjoyed spending time with cares *that* much about me and who I have started caring for myself, that she is in sheer emotional PAIN right now.  Well I just can’t bring myself to drive a stake through someone’s heart like that.  I start minimizing the problem.  I tell myself that it was a simple error in judgement and that forgiveness paves the road to happiness and that sometimes people need to experience walking in the ways of grace in order to know the value of humility (I mean, I’ve totally been there before so who am I to judge?).  I reason that we’re both very smart people who can figure this out, that it’s just a bump in the road, that things tend to feel really intense when you’re falling in love and there has to be room for understanding and forgiveness for the stupid stuff people say or do during this time.  I see her crying and in total remorse and on the verge of an emotional breakdown and I start to comfort her.  I back away from the breakup and I hold her and I explain how this is all really dumb and totally blown out of proportion and that there’s nothing to worry about because we’re two perfectly good people who are falling in love very quickly.  We make up.  And that incredibly intense moment relaxes into the comfort of holding each other in our arms while we fall asleep.  “There’s nothing to fear here,” I tell myself, “things will be just fine.”

[InATimeLapse]

Hi everyone,

I’m hoping that some of the more experienced people here can help me see why I seem to be going though the same cycles in my life.  I’d really like to fix whatever is broken within myself so that I have the kind of relationship that I want and deserve but to do that I need to be aware of exactly what the problem is AND understand how to resolve it once and for all.

So here it goes…

I feel like my life is going in cycles.  I live alone and in a city where I don’t have family.  My friends are either work buddies who I go to lunch with every day or people I socialize with at during social dancing on the weekends - something that I really enjoy doing.  They’re all friends in the sense that we all hang out together but not in the sense that there’s a sense of kinship.  My “best friends” tend to be the girls I’m in a relationship with.

What I’m about to say has happened three (3) times in a row.  Three times!

What happens is, I feel a deep sense of loneliness while living my life but I try to distract myself with hobbies or learning new things or going to dance parties and talking to people.  I usually spend my energy really getting to know people, to truly connect with them.  Because that’s what I really want: deep, soulful connection.  I don’t really enjoy talking to people about superficial things happening out in the world like sports or current events.  It’s like I want to know about them, their life, their story, their struggles, their accomplishments.  Likewise I want to have the trust and vulnerability to be able to talk about my own life in the same ways, to feel their love and support too. 

Social programming informs me that this isn’t a very male characteristic, which induces a sense of inferiority, unattractiveness to the opposite sex, and shame about these desires.  It seems as though a majority of guys simply don’t respect men to value these things, so I feel I must reserve these tendencies in mixed company.

Anyway, here’s what happens.  I meet a girl and she seems super into me.  I’m a bit cautious at first because I can’t stand dingbats but when I find out she’s pretty intelligent *and* attractive then I’m totally interested.  Within a week we are spending most of our evenings together and staying up until 2am on work-nights disclosing our inner worlds to each other, sharing honest and intimate details about ourselves, our past relationships, our accomplishments, our biggest fears, our desires to someday experience parenthood, what it was like growing up in our families, how easy we tend to fall in love, our insecurities, our favorite musicians, and on and on.  It Feels Great to me in those moments.  I start feeling like FINALLY there is somebody in the world who actually *cares* about me, about who I *really* am, who wants to actually *know* me, and who wants me to actually *know* her.  In these moments I feel alive!  Like all of the work I’ve put into myself, all of the years of building myself into being the accomplished, warm-hearted, authentically Good Person that I am is finally acknowledged and validated. 

During this time I know that things are getting heated awfully quickly.  And I know that sex is probably the next step.  But I don’t actually want sex for the sake of sex - and I would be and many times was willing to keep sex out of the relationship in order to build more of a sense of trust and connection with her instead of loading what seemed like a good things with whatever negative side-effects might occur if there’s any sense of pressure about sex.  I truly am not one of the many a-holes in the world that just want to use women for sex… and I don’t have any idea how anybody could take advantage of someone else that way.  So I make it a point to not care when sex happens.  Despite my no-pressure-about-sex attitude, it tends to happen at about week 2 at the latest. 

Now because I live alone it seems really convenient for her to stay over… what turns out to be Every Single Night.  Overwhelmingly I enjoy her company, so I would be pushing against my own current to ask her not to stay over if she wanted to.  Now the last time this happened I intuitively knew that this every-single-night starting in week 2 business wasn’t doing good things (this comes from the wisdom of friends and family, not from me) and so I had mentally prepared myself ahead of time for things not to get the that point.  But they did anyway.  Why?  Because I LOVED the connection and the intimacy (I’m not talking about sex here) and I was so ready to be done feeling lonely in my place, by myself.  I reasoned “what is so wrong with two people who enjoy spending time together?”  This last time around I asked my therapist if it was too soon to be spending every night together (during week 3) and she said “If there’s no problems or negative feelings happening then do it!  Sure, have fun!  I don’t see a problem with it.”

The connection I feel during these moments is something I feel like I’ve missed for such a long time, through many months of loneliness.  And then, finally, my lonely days are over.  She seems like a total catch too!  She’s smart and fun to be around and we enjoy many of the same things, and the things we don’t have in common seem really fun and interesting to learn about.  And then we text message each other with happy things during the days while at work, saying how much we miss each other and look forward to spending the next evening together and can’t believe how good things feel when we’re together.  About a month or so into it I’m buying flowers and a card to give to her after work and telling her it’s fine if she keeps her 2 shampoo and 3 conditioner bottles, body wash and puff ball in the shower instead of packing it back away in her overnight bag after each time we shower together.  And telling her she can keep her toothbrush right there next to mine.  Everything seems so happy and it’s so hard to see that there’s any problem when things feel so good.

And then things start to turn crazy.

There is something that happens.  Either she is totally pissed about something I said that she twisted way out of proportion (gf 1), or she starts passive-aggressively trying to provoke a response from me (gf 2), or she starts telling me how she misses being called the pet name her ex-boyfriend called her or that her mind is confusing me with her ex (gf 3).  And in each of these occasions I feel like my security blanket was just snapped away from me and I was smacked across my chest.  I respond assertively with something along the lines of, “That really hurts!  I don’t know why you’d say that to me.  What gives?  Do you think I wanted to hear that?”  The next thing I know she’s either crying on the floor or on the bed begging me to stay and not leave her.  One time I had a girl (gf 2) full-on bow on the ground - while both crying and praying - with her knees, forehead, and palms all on the floor.  In all cases I said I was going to end the relationship because things got super strange really quickly.  They were all devastated and/or crying hysterically.

And then I changed my mind.

This is the point in time that I can’t seem to get a handle on.  I’m trying hard to mentally put myself in that moment, to remember what went through my mind.  I knew I had the grief of breakup and the pain of loneliness waiting for me, which I highly resisted the idea of.  I mean who volunteers to go into solitary confinement?  And I remembered how happy I was just hours ago and so I go into a sense of denial.  But the fact that she’s right there in front of me, feeling such pain and agony at the idea of losing me… the idea that someone in the world who I enjoyed spending time with cares *that* much about me and who I have started caring for myself, that she is in sheer emotional PAIN right now.  Well I just can’t bring myself to drive a stake through someone’s heart like that.  I start minimizing the problem.  I tell myself that it was a simple error in judgement and that forgiveness paves the road to happiness and that sometimes people need to experience walking in the ways of grace in order to know the value of humility (I mean, I’ve totally been there before so who am I to judge?).  I reason that we’re both very smart people who can figure this out, that it’s just a bump in the road, that things tend to feel really intense when you’re falling in love and there has to be room for understanding and forgiveness for the stupid stuff people say or do during this time.  I see her crying and in total remorse and on the verge of an emotional breakdown and I start to comfort her.  I back away from the breakup and I hold her and I explain how this is all really dumb and totally blown out of proportion and that there’s nothing to worry about because we’re two perfectly good people who are falling in love very quickly.  We make up.  And that incredibly intense moment relaxes into the comfort of holding each other in our arms while we fall asleep.  “There’s nothing to fear here,” I tell myself, “things will be just fine.”

[InATimeLapse]

Things are not okay.

Whether it be once every week, once every 2 weeks, or whatever, the same thing happens.  We’re blissfully happy.  Things are swell.  I’m texting pictures of us to my family, who still haven’t met her.  We’re spending the 4th of July together, going on walks or jogs around the neighborhood together.  Throwing frisbees, playing badminton, biking around the lake.  I mean things are Just Great.  And then… they’re not.  There’s always something.  The last time around it was the fact that she had “intrusive thoughts” of her ex-boyfriend or missed the life and friends she had with her ex-ex-boyfriend.  The one before that…  well, the point is that there was always something being said or done to me that I would *NEVER* say or do to someone I was in a relationship with.  And it pissed me off to be treated that way.  And so we’d argue and they’d passive-aggressively fight back or blame me being angry (for the stuff they said or did) as the reason they said or did them.  That or they were just a victim of themselves and that they didn’t think about what they said before they said it because they never had to think about it with anyone else in the past… but that was probably because nobody else in the past actually cared about them but that doesn’t change the fact that they have to get used to the idea of doing things differently and that I need to be patient with them when they make mistakes (do you see the mind game being played here?  admittedly, it took me a while to see it myself.)  Things escalated to the point where I said there was too much crap that I was handling and it was time to call it quits.  I didn’t want to breakup.  While my frustration level was over-the-top and I knew I shouldn’t be taking this much crap, in some ways I feel like I was bluffing about the breakup.  As if I wanted there to be consequences of her actions but without those consequences crushing me and sending me back into a lonely life without the companionship of someone I truly loved spending time with (when things weren’t crazy).  So, I’d say our relationship was over.  Tears and begging ensued.  And then I’d stop the breakup right when she was about to actually leave.  But then after a while sometimes it wasn’t tears or begging, sometimes it was blank faces and calm movements while packing things into suitcases, and when that happened it kind of felt like she was calling my bluff - as if she had a kind of power play over me because she knew I didn’t want things to be over either.  I have to acknowledge that the idea of breaking up had me feeling so weak and powerless that it felt like it would be like trying to stab myself in the heart with a knife or to perform surgery on my own leg - like the very act of doing it, in following through with the breakup, felt nearly impossible.  She had become like family to me… closer than my closest relative. 

Things are okay.  Not okay.  Okay again.  Not okay again.  Each time things escalate worse and worse, arguments get more intense, words are more direct and cutting, but concurrently during the good times our connection and sense of companionship gets deeper and deeper.  We both know that there’s a pattern happening and during the good times we both seem to be working hard to try to solve the issues and in these moments it really feels like we’re truly getting to the bottom of things and ironing those things out. 

She quickly becomes my best friend through the course of all of this.  She knows more about me than anyone else in the world.  She reveals her thoughts and most kept secrets to me and tells me that I’m her best friend too.  We spend nearly all of our free time together, totally connected, best friends forever. 

Another argument happens.  We acknowledge that the ways we are treating each other is not healthy, yet we both desperately want to have a healthy relationship with each other.  And another argument happens.  In some ways it doesn’t seem any more potent than the last one.  The things I say to her in those moments were never meant to hurt her self-confidence.  In fact if you were to remove my frustrated tone of voice and just listen to the intention behind the (rather direct at that point) things I was saying to her you’d understand that I was only trying to suggest things that seemed like they would actually benefit each other and our relationship.  The breaking point has been reached, though.  In what seems like an instant she has packed her stuff up and disappeared. 

I spend the next several months finding the person I was before the relationship.  I feel so alone at this time.  I feel like random circuits were ripped out of me.  Like a walking, empty shell of a person.  My friends and family aren’t enough to keep me from feeling lonely.  I feel like I had become a monster near the end of the relationship and totally regret the ways I behaved.  Then I realize that the person I was when I started the relationship was a more accurate representation of who I am in my element, and that being the case I can easily forgive myself for the things I said or did while under the weight and pressure of an unhealthy relationship. 

At this point in time I realize that I’m in the transition point between letting go of my past relationship and preparing for a new one.  I kind of feel like I have to spend the next 10 or so weeks in the relationship penalty box, just waiting it out until the day comes that I can connect with someone again, hoping and praying that the next time I find someone I connect so easily with that she’ll be more capable and emotionally mature enough to have a healthy relationship.

Slowly I start getting used to being alone.  I never like that I’m alone.  I just get used to it.  I even reach the point where I feel like my home is a peaceful sanctuary and retreat from life.  I start to enjoy my life again.  I develop my capability to love myself and others.  I feel like a love battery that’s been fully charged.  I’m ready to Love Again, whenever she arrives.  Sometimes I start wondering whether or not I’m actually, really, truly ready for another relationship and start second-guessing myself.  I enjoy the peace of my life without having the chaos. 


And then one day, totally randomly, about six months later, I meet her.  And within the first two minutes of talking to her that I notice that there’s something about her that makes some little part of me, in the deepest parts of my psyche, start clapping and giggle in elation, saying, “More… more… yay!”   And then we schedule a dinner date.  Then I kiss her in the parking lot after our first date and tell her that I look forward to a second date.


So I see the patterns.  But honestly I don’t know what part of the beginning of the relationship is “just what happens when two people fall in love” and when I really do need to walk away. 

But most importantly, I need to know what’s broken within me.  What is mine to fix.  And because I’m so blind to the problem I’ll probably need *explicit instructions* on what I’ll need to do to truly fix this problem.  I’ve gone to therapy.  I’ve spent years in therapy, having multiple psy.d therapists, doing things like writing angry letters to my mom and writing three complements about myself every single f-ing day.  And yet this cycle continues - as I’m now 5 weeks NC from another failed relationship. 

Any insight is into this is so totally welcomed and appreciated.

Thanks,

IATL

[Perfidy]

Essentially being a "non" is like having a little film on your side of a window that stops all of the light from shining through. Being BPD is like having dirt on both sides of the window.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi InATime-

Your posts are long, you do sound lonely, and you remind me of me when I was younger, so much so that I connect with where you're at very well.  Here are some things I've come to know and believe over the decades that have helped:

Being lonely and being alone are two different things.  Being lonely is to go out into the world in a place of need, and you'll be low hanging fruit for gals with personality disorders and the like.  Better to fill yourself up first so you're not needy, and that ends up being much more attractive to 'normal' women; stay clear of women looking to attach in an unhealthy way or ones who are looking for a fixer-upper.  Being alone is much better than being with crazy.

Asking questions like "what's broken about me" is disempowering; if you ask that question your brain will come up with a thousand answers like, well, I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly, which ain't gonna inspire you.  Another way is to choose to believe you're perfectly imperfect and then decide what you really want, take action in that direction, notice if it's working, adjust, and take more action.  Everyone who has ever succeeded at anything has done exactly that.

I'm somewhat introverted and it sounds like you are too; we expend energy in social situations where extraverted people get energy from them.  The social rituals of superficial chit-chat can seem like a waste of time for us, but if we look at them as tools to get to that deeper level you mention they can be tolerable.  As I've gotten older I resort to what I call 'blurt mode', where I just blurt out my truth and see what happens; who gives a fck who won the football game, let's get real.  That chases some people away but brings others closer, kind of a shortcut, and I'm good with that.

News flash: women use men for sex too.  Although 'use' has a negative connotation, it's not a bad thing unless you say so; nothing wrong with emotionally disconnected hookups, nothing at all, what is wrong is lying and/or making it more or less than it really is.

In your need you're jumping in too deeply too soon, only to find out you're with crazy.  Been there, done that, more than once.  One way to not do that is build a life first, one you really like, as mentioned, and then the relationship will matter less so you won't get so deep so soon.  Another way is to date a lot of women concurrently, again absolutely nothing wrong with that, but lots wrong with lying about it; don't say or imply that you're exclusive with someone if you're not.

":)on't chase women, chase your dreams and women will follow."  True that, and if you focus on your purpose, why you're here, fill yourself up with that, you won't be turning to women to erase your loneliness, and that has the added benefit of making you more attractive.

There's some brainstorm spew on my first cup of coffee, use as needed, and take care of you!

[InATimeLapse]

Thank you fromheeltoheal.  I’ll have to reread your post a few more times for things to sink in.

I hear ya about filling myself first.  So this is one thing that I really need help with, but it’s really hard to explain…. I’ll try.

It’s like this:  I know that I am a very, Very capable person.  I have a TON of capacity to create things.  I’ve often thought that I would be great at innovative entrepreneurship.  It’s in there, deep inside.  But I can’t tap it. 

It’s like, all I need is a #1 fan.  All I need is to know that there is *somebody* that truly knows me, who really loves me, and who ***believes in me***.  I think that’s why I get so easily sucked into the idealization - because there really is a part of me that needs to hear it. 

Sure I can tell myself how awesome I am and how much I believe in myself, but at the end of the day - who’s there?  Who’s there to tell me they’re proud of me when I succeed?  Who’s there cheering me on toward new goals?  Or talking me up to their friends and family?

How do you feel like you have purpose in this world when there’s nobody there to share it with?  I come home to an empty apartment (that used to be occupied by the person I fell in love with).  Sure I go out to social activities and talk to people, but it’s not like those conversations get very personal.  And then I go home again, still feeling… disconnected.

I come from a very small dysfunctional family, the most frequent of whom I talk on the phone an average of probably 3 times a year because any more than that and I will get sucked into their drama, so I have to keep boundaries.  I have resigned to the fact that the only way I will ever have a sense of family in my life is if some day I can make my own. 

And so somebody like my ex comes along, who also comes from a small dysfunctional family and also wants to make a happy family of her own - and she tells me how none of the other guys ever truly cared about her or didn’t want to marry her or have children with her and all she wants is to be with somebody that actually does love her so that she can feel safe that she won’t be abandoned.  And then she becomes my #1 fan, talks me up to friends and family, and gives me a sense of validation that I NEED, that I get charged-up by - because I honestly don’t have it anywhere else in my life.  And In those moments I have the promises of a smart, attractive, loving, and loyal partner and a future family, all dangling right in front of me. 

And I guess THAT’s why it’s so hard to walk away from a relationship when the craziness starts… because I have the promises of my deepest desires in front of me, and also, what do I have fall back to? 

So I guess that’s how this happens.  I have little-to-no sense of a support system in my life.  Honestly, I saw the same in her life too.  And I was willing to be her support system if she was willing to be mine... .and at first it seemed like it was going to work, but it didn't end up working that way at all.

[jjclark]

Dear InaTimeLapse... .

There is a way to make yourself the person you come home to, after some time.  It's like you adopt yourself, the way you would adopt a stray cat or something. Slowly it happens, the cat comes around and gets more comfortable when you show it some tenderness, feed it a little, show it you are not out to hurt it.  That is how I see it at least.

It's a lonely world, and I can totally get what you're saying.  I feel though that it is a decision we make, for me the experience with the dBPD person I was seeing a while ago was the cataclysm in shifting my thoughts and the way I was treating myself.  I didn't want to rely on someone or something outside of myself to feel whole.  I am not saying that you aren't whole, but it sounds like that is what you crave at this time (it's a human thing).   

I asked myself often how I would treat a friend who was going through the same situation and I started to treat myself that way.  I wish you safe travels on your journey.

[Ripped Heart]

InATimeLapse,

I know exactly how you feel around cycles and repeating the same patterns over and over again. It's something I've always had great difficulty in understanding about myself too. After each cycle, I learn something new about myself, work through that, feel I have the answers and then find myself going through the same thing again.

I'm diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome which partly explains some of the issues I have around this and although I've done extensive work on myself to gain perspective and understanding, it can get really frustrating when no matter what you do, you find yourself going through the same things over and over again.

Just to give you an example, exgf was very emotionally unstable, we ended up together for 10 years and it was really difficult. She displayed a lot of Cluster B traits but not enough to be considered pwBPD. There were definitely elements there and I found myself enabling and rescuing throughout our entire relationship. Eventually, it got too much and I needed to step away but didn't end the r/s instead it was to give us space to work on ourselves and our r/s for an entire year but nothing changed and it ended.

Given what I learned from that experience, I then entered into a r/s with a successful, highly educated and confident woman. She turned out to be full of Cluster B traits and was eventually diagnosed NPD/BPD. Again, completely different to the first one but with all the same traits hidden in the background. Was extremely frustrating because they were very different, she hid her flags extremely well until we were married and at that stage, I began to think it was just co-incidence. Finally managed to get away from that r/s with help of a great T.

Took a year out on my own to heal, learn and grow using everything I learned about myself with T and about the situation. I dissected all the red flags so I knew in future what I was looking for. After a year met a wonderful and caring woman and began a relationship. very different again to the other 2, different background, different career path, different level of eductaion (she sat in the middle) was successful in rasing a family, had been in a long term r/s and seemed ideal. Diagnosed with BPD which I didn't find out until further into the r/s but given she was very different to the others, wanted to try and make things work.

At that stage, I knew it could be co-incidence and I had no doubt I was part of the problem because 3 times in a row is not co-incidence. I could understand if I met them all in the same place or they looked the same or they had the same background but I thought I had done enough in myself to be able to identify so knew there was more work needed on me.

My first T (during my marriage) was all about mindfullness, living in the present and observing all the things around us. That was great during my marriage and I learned so much from him. However, it wasn't enough to help me try and figure out why patterns and cycles kept occurring. My new T is a relational Therapist and is ALL about patterns and cycles. It's about identifying where you are now, how you are feeling now and working backwards to identify any patterns that may keep happening as to why we repeat the same behaviours over and over again. In the past 2 months, I've come on so much and been able to identify so many things that I couldn't see before.

I relate to your story because I know those feelings too. I know what it feels like to be lonely, know what it feels like just to want a level of acceptance, to be able to share thoughts, dreams and ambitions with someone and to hear the words that someone is proud of you or that you did a great job. I learned that most of my issues stem from childhood, from having 2 parents that were not emotionally available, an NPD father and a suspected BPD mother. When NPD father walked out, I became the man of the house at the age of 8, it was my job to take care of my sister and my mother. My mother worked hard to make sure we had food and a roof and as such was never around. When she was, she was sleeping between jobs, the time she was awake, the focus was on my sister so I was left to deal with my own wants and needs. In time that became the norm for me, I did for others as a way to seek approval or acceptance. Aside from basic needs, my only need was to make others happy but often felt lonely wondering when it would be my turn and someone would want to say a kind word or show approval.

As my T says, I've spent my life adapting to the needs of others, how many people can I honestly say that I'm connected to have spent that time adapting to me? The issue I have around that is that I feel guilty if someone was to take that time and effort so by doing that, I add to the dysfunction.

As for the link to my current and previous partners, irrespective of their backgrounds, looks, careers etc... .The thing that has drawn me in has been their need to be rescued. It's a perfect partnership, someone who constantly needs attention against someone who constantly wants to jump in and save. The intensity at the start of the relationships, that it skipped the getting to know you phase and that someone was there who adored you from the beginning meant we didn't have to work at a relationship, it was like buying one from Ikea, take it out the box and it's ready to go within minutes.

My choice in partners also came from the fact they had difficulties growing up that I could relate to, the reason i could is because I saw it in my own family and it could have been a very different story. My T once mentioned that when we have a dysfunctional family, there are 2 ways we can go, we can either learn and develop the traits of our family and become just like them or we go the entire opposite way. In my case, I went the opposite way but having grown up in that environment, my partners were people who were just like my parents because it was what I was used to and was so easy for me to fill that role because I had done all my life. It was easy for me to forego my own needs, because I never really had any and provide for the needs of someone else, just like I did with my mother and my sister.

Now here's the thing that doesn't add up in what you say, what you believe and what I too believed. You want someone who knows the real you, who wants to take that time to get to know you, who believes in you, who is proud of what you do and who is a constant rock at your side. We hear those words at the start of our relationship because it's survival for pwBPD, they need us to believe it so that we won't let go but it's not permanent. It fades away because their needs are much greater than ours and it does become all about them. We go from wanting all of those things for ourselves to slipping back into a routine we grew up doing and when they eventually leave, we are the ones left feeling the pain. Our pain comes from our own guilt and our own shame, believing that we weren't good enough because if we had been, they would never have left. We desperately try to hold on too because we want things to be as they were, to hear we are doing a great job and that they are proud of who we are. These were people who said it in the beginning so we know they are capable of it, we just need to hear those words again.

The only true way we will hear those words and get the things we desperately want is to find someone out there who is healthy, who wants to share and wants all of those things too but in order to do that, we have to learn to heal, because otherwise entering into a r/s as we are, we are the ones most likely to throw the balance. We need to be able to meet them half way and be equals in a relationship. I've been in a r/s with a perfectly normal and healthy individual and it didn't end that well. She felt smothered because I constantly tried to do everything which also left her feeling like I was being controlling. I would feel rejected and dejected at my efforts to please and in turn I became the unhappy one. The only way for us to achieve our goals is as others have said, to work on ourselves and find that balance within ourselves. Only then are we capable of finding that person who will fill our wants and desires and stay around long enough to live a long and happy life.

My suggestion to you is perhaps to have a look around and see if you can find a relational therapist because their focus is on patterns and how to break the cycles we find ourselves in. How to fill those holes we have been missing most of our lives and how to find the balance between it all. 

[fromheeltoheal]

It’s in there, deep inside.  But I can’t tap it.  

It’s like, all I need is a #1 fan.  All I need is to know that there is *somebody* that truly knows me, who really loves me, and who ***believes in me***.  

but at the end of the day - who’s there?  Who’s there to tell me they’re proud of me when I succeed?  Who’s there cheering me on toward new goals?

You are.  As jjclark says, it's about becoming your own #1 fan.  It's hard and humans are social animals, we're born to connect, but we can become unhealthfully dependent on external validation to the point we forget how to validate ourselves.  You mention you're very, very (two very's!) capable person, you have a ton of capacity to create things, and you'd be great at innovative entrepreneurship; that's where the answer is, not outside yourself.  There's something in there, maybe more than one thing, that you think about a lot, and the key is to go for that, whatever it is.  If you set out towards the life of your dreams with 100% conviction, it's not about what you get or create, it's about who you become in the process, and as you become that, you will attract other raving fans, probably the future mother of your children.  But looking to surround yourself with external validators first is the wrong way and will attract the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

How do you feel like you have purpose in this world when there’s nobody there to share it with?

By looking inside per the above and listening there.  It also depends on what your values and rules for achieving those values are, deep stuff but a rewarding journey.  As a sidebar, I've been studying the Myers-Briggs personality types lately and taking the tests, and I'm an INTJ; deep subject but the bottom line for me is I don't need external validation to know that I'm doing well, I look entirely internally for answers, which has challenges of its own believe me, but the point is it depends how you're wired, how you define purpose, how you define relationships, all of that.  It's a great path you're on, searching, might as well enjoy the ride.

And so somebody like my ex comes along, who also comes from a small dysfunctional family and also wants to make a happy family of her own - and she tells me how none of the other guys ever truly cared about her or didn’t want to marry her or have children with her and all she wants is to be with somebody that actually does love her so that she can feel safe that she won’t be abandoned.  And then she becomes my #1 fan, talks me up to friends and family, and gives me a sense of validation that I NEED, that I get charged-up by - because I honestly don’t have it anywhere else in my life.  And In those moments I have the promises of a smart, attractive, loving, and loyal partner and a future family, all dangling right in front of me.

I haven't seen a lot of traits of the disorder in the crazy you've described so far, but the above is classic borderline: idealize you while playing victim to her past to elicit sympathy and trigger any rescuing tendencies, and she already pegged you as needy before you met probably, all as a means to attach, job one for a borderline.  And you bought it, a few times now.  Good thing you're here so you can upgrade moving forward.

To quote jjclark again:

I asked myself often how I would treat a friend who was going through the same situation and I started to treat myself that way.

Great advice.  Your posts are refreshingly open and you're expressing your vulnerability, a great way to connect with people as long as it's the right people.  I have high confidence that you will get what you want, and I hope you stay here and play with us as we travel part of this journey together.  Take care of you!  

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Thank you fromheeltoheal.  I’ll have to reread your post a few more times for things to sink in.

I hear ya about filling myself first.  So this is one thing that I really need help with, but it’s really hard to explain…. I’ll try.

It’s like this:  I know that I am a very, Very capable person.  I have a TON of capacity to create things.  I’ve often thought that I would be great at innovative entrepreneurship.  It’s in there, deep inside.  But I can’t tap it. 

It’s like, all I need is a #1 fan.  All I need is to know that there is *somebody* that truly knows me, who really loves me, and who ***believes in me***.  I think that’s why I get so easily sucked into the idealization - because there really is a part of me that needs to hear it. 

Sure I can tell myself how awesome I am and how much I believe in myself, but at the end of the day - who’s there?  Who’s there to tell me they’re proud of me when I succeed?  Who’s there cheering me on toward new goals?  Or talking me up to their friends and family?

How do you feel like you have purpose in this world when there’s nobody there to share it with?  I come home to an empty apartment (that used to be occupied by the person I fell in love with).  Sure I go out to social activities and talk to people, but it’s not like those conversations get very personal.  And then I go home again, still feeling… disconnected.

I come from a very small dysfunctional family, the most frequent of whom I talk on the phone an average of probably 3 times a year because any more than that and I will get sucked into their drama, so I have to keep boundaries.  I have resigned to the fact that the only way I will ever have a sense of family in my life is if some day I can make my own. 

And so somebody like my ex comes along, who also comes from a small dysfunctional family and also wants to make a happy family of her own - and she tells me how none of the other guys ever truly cared about her or didn’t want to marry her or have children with her and all she wants is to be with somebody that actually does love her so that she can feel safe that she won’t be abandoned.  And then she becomes my #1 fan, talks me up to friends and family, and gives me a sense of validation that I NEED, that I get charged-up by - because I honestly don’t have it anywhere else in my life.  And In those moments I have the promises of a smart, attractive, loving, and loyal partner and a future family, all dangling right in front of me. 

And I guess THAT’s why it’s so hard to walk away from a relationship when the craziness starts… because I have the promises of my deepest desires in front of me, and also, what do I have fall back to? 

So I guess that’s how this happens.  I have little-to-no sense of a support system in my life.  Honestly, I saw the same in her life too.  And I was willing to be her support system if she was willing to be mine... .and at first it seemed like it was going to work, but it didn't end up working that way at all.

  What you say sounds very familiar to things in my life.  Having a dysfunctional family of origin has left me with a strong desire to finally meet somebody that I can just bond with in a way I have never really known.  I have ended up getting involved with deeply disturbed women because of this, unable to see the parade of red flags or I just look the other way because I just want that feeling of having a somebody.  It just isn't a healthy attachment style and I am finally starting to figure out that expecting someone to fill the holes in me will not work for long.  Sure the initial idealization and hormone high is one hell of a drug.  The problem is those things are not a solid foundation, they set an unrealisticly high watermark to that cannot be sustained and in the end it just leads to further heartache when the whole unstable structure eventually collapses.

  I am working very hard to develop the skills to validate myself, to be my own person.  I know that if I do not learn this then I will continue to attract other unhealthy people into my life and the the cycle will repeat, over and over.  I have to become stable, whole and healthy to be able to attract that likeness and build a healthy relationship.  We end up with PD afflicted persons because we ourselves have traits that cause us to tolerate the subtle abuse, the craziness, the toxic nature of BPD relationships.  I know it is not much of an answer, but keep working on you.  Try to find things you can be passionate about doing yourself, things that with luck you could also enjoy with people that are merely friends.  Like the wise man above me said, build your life and then you can add something healthy to that structure.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I thought of something while reading this thread:

I think the saying, "No man is an island" is flawed. You should be an island, able to weather the waves crashing into you, steadfast on your own. Once you become that, you have the solid foundation to build a bridge to other islands. Anything less, and everyone on an unstable island will be washed away with the tides and be forever lost at sea.