Hi KnowThyself
I'm sorry to hear that. Relationship break-ups can be excruciatingly painful.
We're wired for bonding. Those with a defense mechanism against pain may have difficulties letting go and accepting that the relationship is over and may sleep with their partner, or stalk them. Persons with low self esteem tend to take rejection the worst and more likely to blame themselves with reasons that the relationship is over.
It's not to say that people with high self esteem aren't affected if they are the dumper or dumpee; or are immune to the pain and anguish in a break-up. It is to say that they tend to take less than the lion's share of the blame after the relationship is over.
I think it helps identifying our attachment styles in healing as it's beneficial and can speed up our recovery.
Early development and attachment styles with a caretaker or guardian can help with how we cope in a relationship break up.
Partners with caretaker that gave them a sense that they were around and promoted trust are more sensible to their partners emotions or changes.
The other side of the coin; partners with inconsistencies with in early development are more susceptible to defunct relationship pattern. They have tendencies to hang on rather than go through the pain.
Not long after the break-up leaving up to several weeks there are biological effects in the brain; similar to a drug-user going through withdrawals. These are areas linked with distress and pain; craving and addiction; motivation and reward.
Helpful tips
- Acceptance that the relationship is over
- Trying not to beg, have our partners reconsider, attempts at trying to win back or hope to reconnect
- Stop communicating
- Getting rod of reminders or storing things like letters, gifts and cards
There's a mythology with love sometimes where we may think that the partner is our one true soul mate. There's nothing magical about one person.
In fact we have compatibilities for many potential people. What helps is not demonizing the ex partner. It's a waste of time and slow's down one's healing process. What's important is to not avoid the pain and to go through it, the sooner you have, the sooner you process it.
This will help with moving on.
As reported in a recent issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology, Fisher rounded up 15 people who had just experienced romantic rejection, put them in an fMRI machine, and had them look at two large photographs: an image of the person who had just dumped them and an image of a neutral person to whom they had no attachment. When the participants looked at the images of their rejecters, their brains shimmered like those of addicts deprived of their substance of choice.
“We found activity in regions of the brain associated with cocaine and nicotine addiction,” Fisher says. “We also found activity in a region associated with feelings of deep attachment, and activity in a region that’s associated with pain.”
The Biology of Breaking Up
