When they promise and don't deliver...

[ColdEthyl]

That's the next battle I'm going to start. My H makes a ton of promises and doesn't keep them. I've learned that... so I never give my hopes up anymore. When he says we are going to do something with the kids... .I never tell them anymore so if he flakes out... .they won't be disappointed.

I have absolutely no suggestions. I offer my empathy... .and eagerly await some ideas

That would be really rough to watch the effect of his broken promises on your kids. Yep, never getting one's hopes up seems like a good strategy.

As many times as I've been burned on this topic, I've naively believed him. I guess it's because when I say I'm going to do something, I try my best to follow through and if I don't, I feel really bad and I keep thinking about it until I either do what I said, or have the conversation with the person I promised and tell them why I can't along with a sincere apology and perhaps another way I could help them.

*Nods* Luckily, I figured this out quickly. My ex-husband was terrible about it, so once it happened twice with this husband, I put an end to that. I don't tell them anything. If he follows through with what he wanted to do with the children... .it's just a happy surprise for them.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

Hmmm, why did you paint yourself black? Do you feel like you are really bad at managing money? If not, then don't say it. I have done this type of thing before too but it leaves me feeling a bit uneasy because I do NOT think those things about myself. And, I think it could possibly lead to low self esteem. At least it has for me. I feel like I have said stuff like that enough and have actually started believing it at a gut level. In the past, I have told myself, "Maybe I am that bad. Maybe that explains why he reacts like that." (I know that isn't the case now that I know about PD but it isn't something that is easy for me to untangle within myself.

No, I don't think I'm bad at managing money. It's just that I pay for repairs, food, animal expenses, handyman, etc. He pays for all his fun toys, but he does take us out to dinner a few times a month and if there's a major repair, he will pay for that. My monthly "allowance" gets really stretched thin some months.

I've discovered that if I paint myself black immediately, he will disagree and take responsibility. It also immediately stops the shaming. How can you shame someone when they're agreeing with you? You'd have to be a real a$$hole to continue with the verbal abuse. After I showed him that he hadn't given me the money he thought he had, he said that he'd have to get better about remembering to do it.

I do have a bit of an issue with money since I'm not currently earning any. However, it was my money that allowed us to build this monstrosity of a house and now I have a lot of equity in the real estate, but very little in my investment accounts.

Nope I've done that. I know about trying to show them proof and them refusing to see it, too. When my H was accusing me of cheating, he thought I was talking to someone on an Ipad app game I play. I wasn't. I tried to show him what I was typing (naming animals >.< and refused. He kept staring at me and saying "I won't look at it! I won't!"

He sure didn't, either. I have learned since then not to bother.

I realized also if I do accept blame off the bat... .he doesn't go into a full rage. I won't accept blame if I did not do anything wrong, but I will accept blame and admit fault on whatever part of the issue I feel like I did do wrong. I don't comment on anything else that might be going on.

[MaroonLiquid]

The first five years my wife and I were together, she was very good about sticking to the plan and everything had to be planned to the nines... .If they weren't, I know now that what she would do is dysregulate.  I always thought she just liked to be thorough.  There was hardly any room for spontinaity (sp?).  Thats why I think she is BPD/OCD... .We have never take a weekend vacation just her and I because she didn't want to leave the kids as "it wasn't fair to them to be shoved aside" for our own gratification (What the heck?  I said several times how I thought it was unfair to our marriage that we never got a break) and didn't want to impose on other people.  We always "planned" a weekend getaway, but strange how they have never happened.  These last 7-1/2 months, she jacks me around every chance she has gotten to "be in control" and it be her way.  I guess that isn't much different huh?     Seriously though, because I had visitation with my children opposite weekends of hers (trying to plan it to where we would have every other weekend alone, but it wouldn't have made a difference as her ex is a complete deadbeat).  Because her kids dad has never been involved, we never had a night alone just her and I except our honeymoon five years ago.  I figured since I would have my own apartment, we would have those times these last seven months, but she has never stepped foot inside.  Always stayed in her car.