dBPDh's truck has been at a mechanic's for almost a year

[ColdEthyl]

To make a very long story short, my dBPDh's truck has been at a mechanic's for almost a year. One BS excuse after the other as to why the motor hasn't been repaired... .motor 1 got 'lost' in freight, motor got 'damaged', motor 3 also got 'lost'... .etc etc. One day I go to call and his phone is shut off. It took me 2 months to get back a hold of him. I went to his house several times, no one answered. I sent a certified letter he refused to sign for it. I finally stop over there and catch him outside. (Oh! there you are! he says.)

Anyways, last week he says now he will rebuild the motor. He says its already being machined as we speak. Ok Cool. He said he was interested in buying it. He would give us the $ back we spent plus blue book on truck. Ok thats fine. Dude calls me today asking me if I kept my tags up to date, because he looked them up and it's like 400 late fee.

I said no dude... .I haven't kept up with the tags because what was supposed to take 2 weeks to repair has taken almost a year. So no... .I didn't pay for tags on a truck sitting in your yard.

He says... ."Why are you angry?"

... .

Suffice to say, I told him exactly why he was angry, and he hung up on me. He then takes to texting me about how he did this and that... .bent over backwards for us and now he gets yelled and cursed at. The texts go on... .but I swear he must be BPD. He rewrites history (i mean a lot), gets instantly upset if you show anger or disappointment at all... .and projects himself as this saintly dude when he's been taking me for a ride for almost a year, not to mention the wages my H missed out on by not having his work truck.

Anyways, I told him this needs to be resolved in 2 weeks or I'm taking him to court. I have receipts and all text messages... .even the ones before he got a new phone.

After dealing with this... .I'm crying... .I call my husband. I just wanted some comfort... .and I knew I wasn't going to get it. I shouldn't have tried to get it from him. HE starts yelling at me. I said "I need help on this" and he heard "you haven't done anything on this"

He hasn't done anything on this. I've been getting screwed because I don't know what the heck to do... .and following a pwBPD's advice has me spinning my wheels. He doesn't want to deal with it, his excuse is if he goes over there... .oo somefin' bad fixin' to happen >.>

It's times like these I really feel the disappointment of not having a 'normal' husband. All I wanted was some support... .and I can't get it. He... .doesn't have it to give. All he did was start dysregulating. It's probably going to be a crappy night. I'm going to try to not even talk about this... .bring it up in a day or two after some of the dust settles.

God... .sometimes I feel so alone.

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[Notwendy]

Sorry

Yes, that darn translator in their minds turns anything into a criticism. This had to be triggering to him, it's his truck and he should have been doing something about it.

They can't deal with this and so its deregulation or projection.

I know, it seems as if whenever I break that rule of asking for emotional support, it backfires and I regret it.

It has been helpful to be in codependency 12 step groups because my sponsor "gets" me. I hope you have someone who "gets" you... .for sanity...

[eyvindr]

ColdE --

I'm sorry. That sounds like a major pain in the ass. How frustrating!

But, you could get a joke out of it --

Q: What's worse than a spouse with BPD?

A: A spouse wBPD and a mechanic wBPD!

Hang in there. 

[ColdEthyl]

Sorry

Yes, that darn translator in their minds turns anything into a criticism. This had to be triggering to him, it's his truck and he should have been doing something about it.

They can't deal with this and so its deregulation or projection.

I know, it seems as if whenever I break that rule of asking for emotional support, it backfires and I regret it.

It has been helpful to be in codependency 12 step groups because my sponsor "gets" me. I hope you have someone who "gets" you... .for sanity...

*nod* Darn it all if I didn't know that before I made the call. I need an outside source. I'm going to look into counseling. I hope he doesn't see my need for counseling as a problem with him.

[ColdEthyl]

ColdE --

I'm sorry. That sounds like a major pain in the ass. How frustrating!

But, you could get a joke out of it --

Q: What's worse than a spouse with BPD?

A: A spouse wBPD and a mechanic wBPD!

Hang in there. 

roflmao ty for that! 

[PeppermintTea]

Sorry you're low I hope things get better soon.

I feel this loneliness too. I sometimes wish I had a spouse I could rely on to have my back when things happen. Instead I have a spouse I can rely on to go to pieces at the first hint of a problem.

At least he's consistent... .

That mechanic certainly sounds PD too ... .

Take care of yourself.

PT x

[vortex of confusion]

I completely understand your frustration!

Here are some virtual hugs.     

What I wouldn't give to have a spouse that could offer real emotional support. I have been dealing with a frustrating situation and have been on a bit of a crying jag. Instead of understanding or support, I get "What's wrong?" and he gets triggered and snippy. <sigh>

[braveSun]

WOW!... .ColdEthyl, you get one from me too!...  

   

Looks like this comes right out of the bowels of NO's ninth ward...

My first car had an engine rebuilt, similar to your h's truck's.  ... It took weeks and weeks, and the first time the engine finally got remachined and installed, spanking clean, it didn't make it to the next city on the interstate... I had to call a towing cie halfway on the interstate, in the middle of the swamp on I-10.

No kidding, I ended up giving up the keys and the title too. And no, no tag!

Just signed up for a new car...

[Cat Familiar]

Oh, Ethyl, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with multiple BPDs. One is more than enough!   

Isn't it amazing how pwBPDs lack basic human skills to just support and reassure us? That it's always about them and their insufficiencies, their problems, their lack of whatever? 

I started doing counseling and I told my husband that I wanted to work on myself because he had been at a workshop last fall (unbelievable, but he did it because a friend of his did it and he admires her and took her advice--of course I could never have encouraged him to do that--that would have caused a war  ) and I told him since he made such progress (a bit--much hasn't stuck) that he deserved to be with a partner who works on herself too. Actually for several months, the therapy was all about how to manage him since the therapist was familiar with him when I dragged him to MC a year ago and acknowledged that he has a PD. Now I'm starting to work on FOO stuff.

[Grey Kitty]

*nod* Darn it all if I didn't know that before I made the call. I need an outside source. I'm going to look into counseling. I hope he doesn't see my need for counseling as a problem with him.

  He will.  

I hope you don't let that stop you!

[eyvindr]

Another one of those similarities that makes you wonder if there's a S.O.P. Manual they consult:

I started doing counseling and I told my husband that I wanted to work on myself because he had been at a workshop last fall (unbelievable, but he did it because a friend of his did it and he admires her and took her advice--of course I could never have encouraged him to do that--that would have caused a war  )

My ex actively pushed back on every piece of well-intentioned advice or feedback I ever gave her -- always a debate, sometimes a scolding. But she regularly shared with me ideas that she'd gotten from "a friend" or "someone at work" or "something I read online" -- all of those sources were incredibly helpful to her.

Yet, I was the one accused of devaluing her. Hmm.

[thepenguin]

God... .sometimes I feel so alone.

I have felt that way for a while now. Finding this board has been one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time 

[flowerpath]

ColdEthyl, I really feel for you.  We have had some real fiascos here too, with vehicles, home repairs, appliances, etc., when for other couples it would have been no big deal.   But to deal with two pwBPD on an important issue like this? Oh. My. Word. 

I've felt very alone in a lot of situations.  My H usually freaks out when something here goes wrong.  I've started to do what I can on my own, as though I'm a single person.  It just helps make my life easier. 

[Cole]

Hey, CE, you have my support. We all know how you feel! Let's have a shared stress release here-  AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

My BPDw will say she is going to handle it (whatever the it is), then doesn't, so I have to, then get mad at me for not letting her handle it.

Or, she will ask me to handle it, then forget she asked me to handle it, and call me a control freak for not letting her handle it.

Or- and this is my favorite- she will handle it, mess it up, and blame me for not knowing she was going to mess it up and for letting her handle it in the first place.

All part of the BPD make-up and why your H is not handling this himself or supporting you. If they don't make any decisions, then no one can judge them.



Know what you mean when you say your H did not hear what you said, but what he heard. And that is a pain in the ol' hind end. Again, pwBPD are like people trying to interpret Spanish using a German dictionary.

Here's a second one- AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH! You read my post on help for the NON and you know my feelings- go get that counseling you talked about!

[Cole]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Needed another one this morning.

[flowerpath]

My BPDw will say she is going to handle it (whatever the it is), then doesn't, so I have to, then get mad at me for not letting her handle it.

That's the way it goes here, especially with big projects.  He says, "You always have to be the man!"      Good thing I grew up on a farm!

[vortex of confusion]

My BPDw will say she is going to handle it (whatever the it is), then doesn't, so I have to, then get mad at me for not letting her handle it.

That's the way it goes here, especially with big projects.  He says, "You always have to be the man!"      Good thing I grew up on a farm!

This sounds exactly like some of the crap that I have had to put up with over the years. It is a no win situation. Not too long ago, I "let" him fix the dryer. To my surprise, he did it promptly and efficiently. Then, he thanked me for letting him do it and made some comment about how it really made him feel like a man. It was totally confusing because I usually try to give him ample time to follow through on things. It is only when he screws it up or doesn't follow through that I step in and take care of things.

[Cat Familiar]

Last night my husband pointed out that the hardware store sends the loyal customer coupons to me, not him.

[eyvindr]

Cat!  

Last night my husband pointed out that the hardware store sends the loyal customer coupons to me, not him.

Maybe we can get them all together, and find a way to make it possible for them to do a weekly comedy thing! Like, "Live from All Over -- it's BPD Night Li-i-i-i-ive!"

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, Eyvindr, having a healthy sense of humor certainly makes life easier. I laugh at so many thing that I try to share with my husband, only to get stony silence. It's almost like he feels that having a more discerning sense of humor makes him more refined--like his appreciation of nuances in classical music and opera. He has even been known to disagree with people about who conducted the best version of a Mozart concerto.

For me, I just like laughing and I'm looking forward to watching the SNL 40th anniversary show, which we recorded last night.

[ColdEthyl]

tyvm for the support, everyone! The evening surprisingly turned out really good. I'm still handling this situation solo, but he didn't have a meltdown at all. In fact... he made me a virtual mix tape (Youtube videos) of songs that made him think of me, and new artists he thought I would enjoy (we are both big on music)

I feel a lot better now. I did tell him I am thinking about counseling... .he did try to talk me out of it by saying I didn't need it and there's nothing wrong with me... .but there is. I am going.

[Cole]

tyvm for the support, everyone! The evening surprisingly turned out really good. I'm still handling this situation solo, but he didn't have a meltdown at all. In fact... he made me a virtual mix tape (Youtube videos) of songs that made him think of me, and new artists he thought I would enjoy (we are both big on music)

I feel a lot better now. I did tell him I am thinking about counseling... .he did try to talk me out of it by saying I didn't need it and there's nothing wrong with me... .but there is. I am going.

Good for you. The stress of having a BPD spouse is no different than the stress of having a spouse with any other long term illness, psychological or physical. We are the care takers, and we deserve some help, too.

You are setting a good example for the rest of us, let us know how it works out.

[ColdEthyl]

Ty, Cole! The other night my H said something along the lines of how much he likes us as a couple, and he doesn't need to go to therapy for it. He was making a dig at me going to counseling. I just hugged him and smiled, and told him I'm going to help myself with my anger management issues, and I am happy with our marriage.

I'm going to have to do this slowly. Once I get to counseling... .I can talk about whatever the *&!@ I want.

[Cat Familiar]

Ty, Cole! The other night my H said something along the lines of how much he likes us as a couple, and he doesn't need to go to therapy for it. He was making a dig at me going to counseling. I just hugged him and smiled, and told him I'm going to help myself with my anger management issues, and I am happy with our marriage.

I'm going to have to do this slowly. Once I get to counseling... .I can talk about whatever the *&!@ I want.

Yes you can! My therapy sessions were all about my husband for the first few months.    I'm just now getting into the FOO stuff!   

[ColdEthyl]

Oh boy Cat for me... .that's going to be a long deep dark hole. I hope whatever T I get is comfortable with being the one laying on the couch when I come in rofl

[Cole]

Ty, Cole! The other night my H said something along the lines of how much he likes us as a couple, and he doesn't need to go to therapy for it. He was making a dig at me going to counseling. I just hugged him and smiled, and told him I'm going to help myself with my anger management issues, and I am happy with our marriage.

I'm going to have to do this slowly. Once I get to counseling... .I can talk about whatever the *&!@ I want.

Thinking about a T myself. The med has helped with the depression, but the root cause of the depression is the BPD & bipolar W. And I get the anger management. As anyone here knows, they tend to push our buttons until we cannot take anymore and get mad.

She found a new T who she really likes, which is a first. T wants to see us together as a couple and do some m/c, but W is hesitant. If we do not end up going together by March, will probably find one of my own.

[Cat Familiar]

Thinking about a T myself. The med has helped with the depression, but the root cause of the depression is the BPD & bipolar W. And I get the anger management. As anyone here knows, they tend to push our buttons until we cannot take anymore and get mad. 

I forced my H to do MC last year and little was accomplished, other than we can now talk a bit more freely. A few months ago, I started seeing the same T for individual work, beginning with learning how to deal with my H better, without being triggered as much. Fortunately, I haven't had to really describe my H much, since she fully saw a range of behavior and some of his anger was even directed at her. So we've been able to move at lightening speed with my therapy. It's been incredibly helpful, a great adjunct to these boards.

[Cole]

Fortunately, I haven't had to really describe my H much, since she fully saw a range of behavior and some of his anger was even directed at her...

Interesting. We had a like experience.

Both T's we have seen together for marriage counseling did not last long. W would get extremely defensive, accuse the T of always taking my side, paint the T black and that was the end. Not that it was ever productive, anyways. She cried and raged and I sat there silent, knowing that anything I said would further set her off.

I might reconsider ever going with her to her new T. Do not want the same thing to happen with one she finally likes.