Just found out my mom was BPD

[Narkiss]

So, my mother, who died a couple months ago, was diagnosed with narcissism about 15 years ago. About an hour ago I called the therapist and asked her why, what made her think that. She actually remembered my mother very vividly, and told me that she always thought she also had BPD. I feel like I've had ice water thrown on me. I feel sick to my stomach.

It makes sense. It seems to run in her family. I got into a very bad relationship with someone with BPD, which I think has ended.

Where do I go from here? I feel like throwing myself off a cliff

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY NARKISS:  

They say that knowledge is power.  You already knew your mom was diagnosed with narcissism.  How does the possible additional diagnosis of BPD make it worse for you?  

There is a spectrum with mental disorders.  Some people with BPD are high functioning, while others are low functioning.  It is likely that most people posting on these boards have a trait or two that would fall into some disorder.  Are you afraid that you have BPD traits or might develop them?

I'm sorry you mom passed.  How was your relationship with her?  :)o you think that being around a disordered mother led you to a relationship with a BPD partner?

[Turkish]

Hi Narkiss,

After over analyzing my r/s with my uBPDx, I started thinking about my mother,  and made it to this board.  When I first shared my arm chair Dx of my Ex as being BPD, my mom said,  "of course she's BPD!" I thought it an odd comment.  My mom's a nurse,  but not a psych nurse.  Months later,  my mom admitted that she was BPD. Other than it being validating in a sense,  it also made me angry. 

What specifically elicits such strong emotions in you? 

If I had to think back,  I think my anger was partly "why didn't you tell me?" Part of it also may have been that after so many years of her being in herapy and meds for what I only knew was depression,  it was far worse.  Then she later shared that she was treated for PTSD when I was a kid.  Another whammy.

I was also pissed at myself that I didn't see the pattern,  since my mom's admission was like the last piece of the puzzle to click into place. Why didn't I ever see it?

How did you feel about your mom before this revelation,  and how have your feelings changed?

Turkish

[Narkiss]

Yes, I felt the same way Turkish -- the final puzzle piece. I think this is the problem. I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood. I was in denial about the extant of it since I was not beaten or sexually abused. I thought I closed the door on it through force of will and put it behind me. I felt I was a pretty functional, healthy adult. This last year has been a nightmare. Because I did not put it behind me at all -- I was just in denial about and how it has affected my life, which I realized has been pretty severely.

Much of what I have done has been in reaction to or against my mother or my childhood (What her therapist told me went beyond even what I knew). These last 15 years since my father died, I have stayed close by, because otherwise she would have been alone (she cut off much of her family and friends). I set up boundaries, but still always felt pressured to do more and more and more.

So, it fits that my mother had BPD. It is the final puzzle piece. The final veil lifted. I can no longer be in denial of how bad it was and how it affected my life and continues to affect my life and will affect my life, and that knowledge is really really painful. I did not escape. I should have left a long, long time ago.

The other thing is that I accepted that my mother was narcissistic. It fit. She was incredibly selfish, insecure and controlling. Somehow I didn't see narcissism as a mental illness, more of a misfortune. BPD, on the other hand... .

And yes, I'm sure the relationship with the BPD boyfriend was an attempt (failed) to redeem the relationship with my mother, perhaps even to rescue her. What did I feel about her? Before, nothing (probably something but I don't know what other than pressure to get away). Now, when I think about her I feel fear and chaos (which is probably closer to what I felt as a child).

[Narkiss]

Maybe I also feel guilt that I didn't try harder to save her. The therapist told me that she lived in absolute terror.

[Turkish]

Maybe I also feel guilt that I didn't try harder to save her. The therapist told me that she lived in absolute terror.

Saving a parent is a role reversal for a child. Many Detachers/Leavers unwittingly may have stepped into a Rescuer role with a romantic partner.  A senior member here once said something like,  "you can't fix starts wrong between you and one person with a completely different person,  it's impossible. "

I knew I was trying to rescue my mother in my r/s, and also being attracted to others before with BPD traits.  We just "clicked. " When I realized it, that I was a proxy ":)addy" to my ex,  I was horrified.  At 74, my mom still needs a wise parent.  She was orphaned at 12 and fully at 14. As a child,  I was a need. As an adult,  she was my need.  I finally found another,  more my peer,  to fulfill that need.  I only fully realized it when it was over. 

[Narkiss]

When I was a child, I felt responsible for my parents. My father relied on me emotionally, I stood up and defended him when my mother became enraged. I thought I could/should fix things. When I was older I realized how burdensome it was and pulled back. I did my best to not try to "fix" them. I let them be. Part of that was staying out of their inner lives. I didn't let my father use me as a "best friend." My mother constantly would tell me about her emotions about everything. I mainly felt numb and let her talk but didn't engage. I made several attempts to get her on medication and a therapist, as well as encourage her to make up with friends, attend activities etc, but eventually realized I couldn't fix her and stop.

After they died, I did not try to find out anything more than what I already knew about them. I could not bear the responsibility of their lives.

Now I know more than I can handle right now. And I literally feel that I can't cope.

[Notwendy]

Hi Narkiss,

As difficult as it is to face our family dysfunction, there is a silver lining and that- it is a clue to our relationships. I understand the feeling of being responsible for our parents- trying to save them. But we can't really change or save someone else from their own dysfunction. The good news- is that we can make changes in ourselves- and this can result in positive changes in how we relate - and even our choice of- partners. I am sorry that your relationship was a bad one and it ended.

As much as an ending hurts, you have an opportunity to use this information about your FOO and do some personal work before entering the next one. One thing that I read is that if we leave a relationship and don't do personal work on ourselves- our part in it- we are at risk for similar issues in a subsequent one. That's motivation! and knowing your mother and your ex had BPD is a clue to what to work on.

I think many of us minimized our dysfunctional childhoods if there was not physical abuse. In my family, it was very secretive. My parents took care of us kids- and in many ways we would have been considered privileged- nice house, clothing, education. We really didn't want for anything material. But behind closed doors was a family life dominated by BPD mom- her moods, her feelings. Riding home on the school bus - we'd have no idea what to expect when we opened the door. Maybe nice Mom, maybe raging Mom. My mother is severely BPD, but because our material needs were thankfully met, and we were not allowed to tell anyone - nobody had a clue.

One reason we tend to minimize our FOO's is because this is all we know as kids. This is our normal. Family members take on behaviors to compensate for the dysfunctional member to keep the family as stable as possible. In our case- we all became mother's emotional caretakers. Basically, we all became co-dependent but that was our "normal". Later on as adults- we choose partners who tend to match us emotionally. Our "normal" matches up with their "normal" to create similar patterns. We may not recognize or we may tolerate dysfunction in someone else because it feels familiar to us.

I know that this sounds at the moment like too much to cope with, but in a way, it can be a gift. I would say it is a bit of a shock to see the dysfunction. I recall when I came out of the FOG- many years later and I was in a state of shock at realizing my mother had BPD.

How to cope? First, get emotional support. I sought out a therapist- not because I had a "label" so much as a way to deal with growing up in my FOO- and to be able to talk about things to someone in a healing way. I needed someone to validate my feelings.

Next is self care. This isn't something we are used to doing. We are used to caring for other people. I know that for me, I wasn't hugged much as a child. People didn't do things for me. I was expected to do this for mom- listen to her talk about her feelings, clean up the dishes for her, run an errand for her. If I needed her to do something for me, she would get angry at me. So I learned not to ask , not to expect. Self care things feel decadent to me, but they are things I do when I am feeling overwhelmed- little things like getting nails done, get a massage, buy myself a special meal or treat, a walk in a pretty park, a trip to the bookstore. They don't have to be costly or big things- but we have an inner child- an inner child that longs to be cared for- and we can do this for ourselves.

I found 12 step ACOA and co-dependency groups to be beneficial. ACOA deals with childhood issues and helps for FOO dysfunction even if there wasn't alcohol involved.

As kids we were helpless. Although it feels overwhelming at first, to face family dysfunction, as adults, we aren't helpless. We can work to learn healthy ways of interacting and heal our inner child. Dealing with our FOO issues isn't from the standpoint of victims. Little kids are victims, but we are not. The knowledge can be a key to our emotional growth. First, we can feel what we feel- anger, sadness at how we were treated. Yet, on the very positive side- this is something we can work on! and that is good news

[Narkiss]

Thanks, Wendy. I have always felt helpless when it came to my family. You're right, though, I am not. I am also more and more aware of patterns. So many of them. I can also change those -- through force of will, if I have to.

I do have a therapist. I will also look into the other groups. I think it would help to talk about this with other people who have had similar experiences. Other than my BPD, I knew no one with such a messed up family. (His was much worse and mine was sort of normal in comparison). My family was also very secretive. I was told so many times not to talk to anyone about what went on in the house. It was a long time before I realized that everyone's family was not like that. I have chosen partners because I wanted to be part of their families. For me, the combination of an emotionally unavailable person and a stable family has been irresistible.

[Turkish]

Hi Narkiss,

I wanted to share this. You are not alone. 

Understanding The Narcissistic Family System

My mother's FOO dates back to the '40s and '50s, so this was a given.  I see this in my Ex's family.  She is only in her mid 30s, but her family comes from an Old World culture.  Whatever happens,  you don't "betray" The Family by taking about it,  even among family members who may be in similar pain. 

[Narkiss]

Thanks, Turkish, for the link. My mother presented a front to the world that everything was great. We were not allowed to say anything that would ruin it for her --even to friends. She spoke to no one really. She had a number of long-term but very superficial friends that she cut off for years at a time if they offended her.

How do you deal with this? Right now I just want to hide.

[Notwendy]

Narkiss, my FOO too- all was just fine. My position in the family was her "black" child. I was also pretty outspoken. By my teens, I knew something wasn't right-although I didn't have a name for it. My friends' mothers were different. It was still the era where most women were home makers. My friends' mothers cooked them wonderful meals, did caring things for them. My mother didn't do much of those things. We kids started to ask questions.  Mom  blamed me for our "mother-daughter" problems. She managed to convince others that I was the problem. I also believed it. I thought that once I left home for college- all would be fine at home. I actually believed that for many years. Since she dysregulated when I was home visiting, I still thought it was because I was there. Sibs have assured me that this was not the case- she was just as affected after I left home as before.

How does one deal with this? I get the wanting to hide. For me there was a kind of shock- but also excitement- that there was a name for what was going on with my mother. Finally some answers. And information not just about BPD but about how families with a pwBPD function. There was also a sense of sadness at just how affected my mother was- and at her age- with her pattern of denial- things were not likely to change for her. Although there is a lot of awareness and treatment options available now, there were not when she was younger. My first reactions were angry at how the adults in my FOO allowed her to behave as she did toward her children.

So feel your feelings as they come. Feelings can feel overwhelming, but when we feel them and process them, they eventually pass. Eventually, I also felt empathy. Empathy for my young handsome Daddy, madly in love with his beautiful new bride. Like many couples of their era, they married relatively quickly after dating. My mother was beautiful, charming. Surely he was taken off guard by her issues- and yet, would have done anything he could to help her, and he did all he knew to. Empathy for her- because what could have happened in her FOO to either cause or exacerbate her issues? I won't likely know that, but it must have been tough on all of them.

Then, with information I could take action. I get the appeal of an unavailable partner, the wish to be part of a "real" family but that can be worked on. I realized the dysfunction I brought into relationships that I didn't even know about. Our "normal" in my FOO was to be co-dependent. Although we are used to being independent and doing things by sheer will, I will caution you to not try to do this on your own. It is hard to see ourselves. For me, it took a sponsor, and a T to hold the mirror up to me. That wasn't easy or comfortable, but that kind of "tough love" with their support helped me to make changes in myself.