Not ready to let go...

[poetical]

I'm probably being a bit optimistic selecting "Staying: Improving a Relationship" as it has now been a few weeks since I last saw or spoke to my udBPDgf (I'm new to all this lingo and abbreviations but hopefully I got that right - is there a glossary somewhere?). We had an argument in the car and she stormed off and she has not come back to me since. I have sent many texts to her very few replies. Most of the few she sent were short "It's over" or "It's not working". We have been together romantically for nearly two years albeit long distance so mainly texting and telephone calls with a few weekends in between. However we have been friends since high school where we did go steady for a short while (30+ years ago). We parted ways after school, both married and had kids but kept in touch on and off over the years. We both felt we always had 'that special chemistry' even though it was never realised until she fb friended me nearly two years ago. It couldn't have come at a better time. Both of our marriages had been long and miserable and so we were each ripe for the picking i suppose. After a few months of messaging and catching up, she travelled to the city I live in and we met up for the first time in over ten years. We had a nice dinner and I even walked her back to her apartment and met her work colleague and the three of us talked and drank wine for another couple of hours. She walked me to my car and we reluctantly said good bye at which point I blurted out that I loved her and that I always had (I think I may be BPD too?). She was a bit taken aback but I think she was yearning to hear it all the same. She then felt compelled (I think) to tell me via message about her terribly abusive childhood and NPD/BP mother. This triggered a strong feeling of compassion and sorrow in me (yes as I have learnt through all the research I have done lately that I am very much the Co-dependant type who married a NPDw) and sadness that after all these years I never knew the suffering she had been through and I think still goes through today. Despite her childhood and after some troubled years she said did try some hypnotherapy and although she regarded it as pretty useless, she did get some closure through a dream and has been able to forge out a career for herself which she agrees has given her much confidence on a professional level. She doesn’t openly or outwardly display anything but in her own words she has lived in a very emotionless and loveless marriage apart from her kids. I think despite her childhood she has been very brave and even (un-conciously) chose her husband because of his stable if not emotionless (NPDh?) to raise her family. I am not certain but I think she has done an amazing job of stopping the cycle of abuse when it comes to her kids. She is very risk averse. Driving up a steep hill makes her rather nervous. From my perspective, the last fight was the culmination of my slowly growing negative reactions to her strange behaviour which I was not used to and did not fully understand until now although I'm sure I have much more to learn. Initially it would be weekends when she wouldn’t message me or I could tell she got annoyed with me that I didn’t message her because I was doing something else so she'd shun me for a day or two. Initially I would just make friendly enquiries into why which I know now was still negative pressure to her. I would find out later it was for example her father was visiting for the weekend who she still couldn’t talk at the time (he was never abusive to her when she was a child but did leave the marriage). So the stress of that weekend meant she went into for want of a better word shutdown mode which included not talking to me. I feel terrible now that I made any fuss at all but I really had no idea what was going on. Other times we'd be in mid text conversation then she'd disappear for hours and I'd feel like she just left me standing, waiting. In my mind I never seemed to get a satisfactory explanation just silence for a day or two and then she'd come back as if nothing had happened. So I got progressively more frustrated because all I wanted was for her to know and understand how I felt. And I didn’t care what reason there was just that she told me. I didn’t understand at the time this was not something she was doing intentionally rather I believe she was just disassociating? for whatever reason. Some months ago she dumped me after an argument. So I just let her be and two weeks later she sent me a text to say hey you and she missed me. Everything was wild and wonderful again and we felt closer than ever before. She had a habit of dumping me or saying I can’t do this every time I raised my concerns. She has since left her husband and moved to the same city and lives not more than 5 minutes away from me. She lives with her two kids and because her separation is only quite recent, I am not at liberty to visit (probably a good thing now anyway). When we fought the last time, she said the same thing again "it's not working" and I said "fu@$ this I can't do this anymore either". She is very sensitive to words and I think my swearing and anger has now made me really 'black' and in her eyes, beyond repair. It is only from much research in the past few weeks since that I now realise I have really triggered her defense mechanism and no matter how hard I try, the damage has probably been done. When she last left me she threw a piece of jewellery that I had bought her back at me before beating a hasty retreat. My anger was very quickly replaced with sorrow and I called her to come back and told her to please take the jewellery it was hers no matter what. I was going to let her be and by the time I decided to try to catch up to her she was gone. I waited for a while in front of her place but then started to feel a bit stalky so I got an envelope, wrapped the jewellery in a cloth from my car and put it in her mailbox and left. I add this little tidbit because amongst all my messages and attempts to get her to talk to me since I last saw her, I asked her whether she had received the jewellery. Amongst the few messages she has sent me since 'the fight', she did say she "wears it all the time and thinks of me all the time" and she "sleeps with the cloth because it smells of me". Very potent snippets of hope for me. I go through motions of let her be to repeated texts of hope and love. I feel like all the other times I have clawed her back from the darkness I just have to show her that I am not going to abandon her, that I will always be there. This has worked previously but I think now I have truly become the darkness of the past. So there's my War and Peace. I realise now that I am very much a Co-dependant so I need to work on myself. I realise I can’t help or change her and if she's not ready to or doesn’t want to change then there is nothing I can do and until we both make changes the cycle will continue (if she were to come back again). Even so I think I am still in denial and not ready to let her go. I guess that will take time. I also wonder if I don’t have some BPD traits as well. My mother was sexually abused as a child and my Father was also physically and emotionally abused and repeatedly made an example as the eldest in front of his siblings. My parents divorced in my early teens and while I wasn't the victim of what I consider any real abuse I have suffered from low self esteem and social anxiety perhaps as a result of some parentifying and guilt? I only heard terrible things about my NPDf. Even so I have managed it pretty well and have a pretty positive outlook and have enjoyed life beyond my romantic relationships (sounds oxymoronic but I do think I have the capacity to be pretty happy most of the time!). I could easily ramble on for another war and peace about my family's and my own issues but I'll leave that for another forum. I still love my BPDgf very much and with newfound understanding of her and myself, want her to come back so we can work together to be happier and better people. While that sounds like a fairy tale I am under no illusion it will be easy and that it is up to her as much as me if we are going to make any headway. And the reality is at this point in time it's not happening at all. I'm torn between the forums that say run and the forums that say don't give up on her. I don't want to give up on her. It sux. It hurts. And it makes it so much more painful that she will not speak to me about it at all.

Thanks for listening and thanks to all those that have contributed here and helped me better understand my BPDgf and myself.

Poetical

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Poetical,



I am so glad you have found us... .I'm also sorry you have been having such a tough time in your r/s. (relationship)

I'm glad because bpdfamily helped me out a great deal.  I think we can help you out a bunch as well.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Look to the right of the screen... .click on the lessons.  Lots of information there.  You can click on link above if you are having hard time.

Please come back and post some questions about what you have read.  That will be the start of the process of learning about the disorder that it is likely that you face. 

You can do this! 

Long term... .I'm thinking that a period of intensive learning before trying to dive back into the r/s is a good plan. 

I don't think you are being over optimistic by picking staying... .if that is your goal... be proud of it.  Work for it... .!

 

[Cat Familiar]

I echo form flier's advice about learning more before trying to reengage in this relationship. From what you've written, it sounds like you both were dealing with wounds from previous relationships as well as family issues and that you got off to a rough start between you two. Also, it does seem like there's a deep communion that you've shared.

From my own experience after a divorce, I found that counseling was incredibly helpful to set me on a new pattern, so that I did not repeat the mistakes I had made in previous relationships. I think it would be a wise choice to do that as well as to examine how you might want to move forward in this new relationship.

Keep posting and tell us more.   

[poetical]

Thank you FF and CF for your kind words. I have been reading a lot on this site and am now focusing on the link/suggestions you have provided. I will probably be vilified for this but I am still in my current marriage so I am still very much dealing with that at the moment. I still have kids going through school and I won't be in a position to separate for another couple of years. For what it is worth, I have been open and honest with my BPDgf at least and she also only just left her marriage now that her youngest has finished high school. I know it's not the ideal foundation for a relationship but it is what it is. When my BPDgf left her husband she actually seemed very calm. She has no animosity towards her ex and says she still admires him. This struck me as odd (and a little irksome to be honest) but again I think maybe she compartmentalises any untoward emotion (or you could say a very mature approach to her separation which I can probably learn from myself!). She was not happy of course with the lack of emotion and physical intimacy in her marriage which is what she began to crave particularly now her kids have grown and become more independent although she has moved to be with them now they are at uni. I know she felt some overall stress relating to her leaving her old job and friends, and the move in general and also starting a new job. This combined with dealing with me who is on the other end of the emotional scale compared to her ex has not been easy for her. I have pushed her and challenged her. She said she liked that and that's what she missed and wanted and for the most part she has enjoyed the experience. I think she is wonderful and kind and beautiful and creative (I have always thought so since high school) and told her these things all the time and while she didn't agree and couldn't understand why I thought that, she said she could feel herself changing and starting to believe or at least believe that I thought and meant these things which was a big positive. She is smart and has excelled in her chosen profession (she is a perfectionist and a workaholic) and I am very proud of her and what she has achieved and I think she is too. And I think it is her work that she turns to for her 'supply' which is of course better than many other alternatives and I know she was already getting into other extra curricular activities relating to her work which on the one hand is great and keeps her busy but ultimately is detracting from her paying attention to her healthier emotional needs (of course I want to say pay more attention to me and us but ultimately my concern is for her well being whether that includes me or not). In hindsight I was a bit clumsy and quite demanding and eventually quite critical in my rather emotional and defensive reaction in trying to understand her seemingly strange behaviour and at times lack of response or desire to be with me. While this silence and prospect of our r/s being over is unbearable I know she is not intentionally inflicting pain or ill meaning. All the same this is very hard.