Hello from new member

[Hermit]

Hi, I've been with my husband for 15 years, 3 years living together and around 12 years married. He's never been formally diagnosed with BPD but I'm convinced that's what he has now after much research. He has been in counseling at times for substance abuse and depression/anxiety, but no one has mentioned BPD to him. He is never totally honest with counselors, of course, so they don't get the full picture. I'm joining for some support and to learn techniques for dealing with him. I'm not wanting to divorce him. He's physically disabled (severe back problems) with chronic pain and other health problems, and really has no one but me, so I won't abandon him. I'm just tired of suffering so much from his verbal and emotional abuse. At times things are fine with us, but I never know when he'll be triggered and he can go into a rage. He's not physically abusive, thank goodness. He's 54 and has been disabled for 10 years, which is very hard on him psychologically. He feels useless. I'm tired of being his whipping post. Also, our elderly dog is in the process of passing away... .probably sooner than later... .but we don't really know. She also is in pain and on narcotics, but he won't have her put down. His mood swings have been awful lately and he's taking his anger out on me about the dog dying. He's extremely attached to her... .I'm sure he probably loves her more than he does me. He can't seem to accept that she will die.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

Welcome to the boards.  So sorry to hear that you are going through this.  Know one thing, you are not alone.  This is a great place where many will be able to give you great advice.  Please read through the tools on the right side.  Those will help a lot. 

[Hermit]

Thank you, MaroonLiquid!

[MaroonLiquid]

Thank you, MaroonLiquid!

You're welcome!  Please take care of yourself so that you can be strong for your husband.  I would love to tell you the tools are easy, but they do take work and they take practice, practice, practice!  Know that I have been at this with my wife for 8 months and I still struggle with things.  Sometimes it can feel like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  Don't get discouraged!  Stay strong!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Hermit,   

Welcome aboard.  You have come to the right place for support and learning how to improve your relationship.

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.     I understand how it can feel like you are a whipping post.  I felt like that many times as well.  As MaroonLiquid stated, making sure that you take care of yourself first is one of the most important things. It can be really easier for us non-BPD partners to get caught up in all of our person with BPD's (pwBPD) behaviors.  I found that having my own "support system" of my family, friends, and therapist really helps me.  Do you have a support system?

The mood swings of your pwBPD is most likely attributed to your elderly dog. The core of BPD is a lack of emotional regulation. PwBPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions and their emotions may change dramatically in a short period of time.  PwBPD tend to be hypersensitive to negative emotions/feelings and  have intense responses. A stressful or upsetting situation, such as your elderly dog, may trigger your husband's intense emotions of anger, sadness, or shame. To cope with the negative emotions, pwBPD tend to use coping mechanisms, such as projection.  This is most likely why your husband has been volatile lately. 

Learning how to set boundaries is crucial for our own wellbeing.  I found that setting boundaries has helped my relationship exponentially.  Here is an article that helps describe the importance of  boundaries in our relationships. 

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

I am very sorry about your dog.  I have an elderly dog too and I understand how difficult this must be for you.   

[Hermit]

Thank you, EaglesJuju! I don't really have much of a support system. I have allowed myself to become isolated... .hence my name "Hermit." I'm not really a very social person, though. I live across the country from my family of origin and they are not all that supportive anyway. I do need some friends. I was in counseling last year but had to stop because I couldn't afford it. But now I'm on Medicaid, so maybe I can find a counselor. I live in a very rural mountain location, about 35 miles from a town of any size, which also makes it difficult to find support.

Yes, the dog approaching her death is a big issue to my uBPDH. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can. She is much more "his" dog than mine, although I love her too. It seems he has had an abnormal dependence and attachment to her... .and don't get me wrong, I love animals myself. Is it normal for pwBPD to form these extreme attachments to pets?

[EaglesJuju]

Yes, the dog approaching her death is a big issue to my uBPDH. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can. She is much more "his" dog than mine, although I love her too. It seems he has had an abnormal dependence and attachment to her... .and don't get me wrong, I love animals myself. Is it normal for pwBPD to form these extreme attachments to pets?

It is normal for pwBPD to form attachments to pets.

As well as non disordered people, many pwBPD form insecure attachments.  Insecure attachments consist of attachment anxiety (fear of abandonment or separation) and attachment avoidance (discomfort with intimacy and dependency). 

Many pwBPD have high attachment anxiety and high attachment avoidance (fearful attachment) or high attachment anxiety and low attachment avoidance (anxious/preoccupied attachment). 

I have abandonment issues myself and tend to have an anxious/preoccupied attachment.  I can see how a person with these issues may be extremely close to a pet, because a pet would never "abandon them."  Also, pets "unconditionally love" us.  Many pwBPD feel that they are "bad" and "unworthy of love." 

Keep posting. We are here to support you.   

[Hermit]

Makes sense, EaglesJuju. Is he perhaps angry at the dog for abandoning him by dying? And projecting that anger onto me?

[EaglesJuju]

Makes sense, EaglesJuju. Is he perhaps angry at the dog for abandoning him by dying? And projecting that anger onto me?

It seems like a plausible explanation. The most important thing to remember his behaviors do not have anything to do with you. 

[maxsterling]

Excellent advice so far -

One thing from me - I've found that the more I have learned about BPD and what is going on in my wife's mind, it's been much easier to compartmentalize her as someone with an illness she can't help, and therefore feel less hurt by her bad moods.  I suggest reading all you can about BPD, and taking good care of yourself. 

[Hermit]

Thank you maxsterling, and everyone who has welcomed me and commented. I have been doing a ton of reading and watching videos since coming to this site and have learned so much! It helps me to not feel so alone. I've got a lot of new techniques to try. We'll see how it goes. 

[waverider]

Hi Hermit

welcome. It may be a hard road but you can take satisfaction about being able to make inroads.Always keep in mind you are fixing you not him. By fixing you, you will improve interactions which provides a better foundation for him to stabalize himself.

You can't do everything at once, but the most important I find is the boundaries and tackling the isolation. Boundaries protect your values and define you. Reestablishiing contacts is the rebuilding you as a stand alone individual, without this your perspectives become skewed and it is hard to make balanced decisions.

Dont worry if even with new knowledge you still keep stuffing up, we all do, you wil get many chances to practice

[Hermit]

Thank you Waverider, very good advice. I thought I had pretty good boundaries, but after studying here I see I've been enforcing them the wrong way. I've been doing a lot of invalidating of him and trying to use logic as a way to "stand up for myself," which I thought was part of having boundaries. And fixing me, not him, is great advice too. I do have to do something about my isolation. I'm going to get back into therapy as soon as I can, at least to start with. It really struck me to read somewhere on here that even seasoned therapists have to go into therapy to be able to work with a pwBPD... .they can be that difficult. So whew! Who do I think I am? I suffer from depression anyway, and the stress of having a disabled H who has multiple physical and mental health issues is too much to bear by myself. I'm strong, but not THAT strong.

 

[waverider]

It really struck me to read somewhere on here that even seasoned therapists have to go into therapy to be able to work with a pwBPD... .they can be that difficult.

 

This is standard practice. Even when you know the dynamics it is hard to stay out of them, hence the need for ourselves to keep external lifelines open. Often the tie with the outside world helps us to decide what are appropriate boundaries. It is hard to set boundaries when you have lost perspective.

[maxsterling]

Exactly.  Keep good relationships with friends, family, and co-workers.  Have a life outside of your relationship.  More than likely, your partner will do everything possible to try and isolate you and take up all your time.  Guard against that.  Even if it is just this website or keeping in touch with friends via text message or lunch once a month, that is often enough to keep grounded in the face of BPD chaos.

And you are right about therapists and BPD.  I have therapist friends who dread working with BPD because it is frustrating, can't be treated easily with meds, and feels like a big waste of time.  Our marriage counselor is a very patient woman, but I know even she seems tired with dealing with the same issues over and over again.  Our MC has really been pushing my wife hard to see a psychiatrist and go back on meds. 

[Hermit]

Well, I have made an appointment with a therapist. I have been in counseling before, off and on, for my own depression and found it helpful. I'm looking forward to it. I have very few friends (I'd say NO close friends in my area, just acquaintances), and am not working right now, so it's difficult to meet people. I find too that by middle age, most people are already established in their friendships and making new friends is hard. I have other barriers too, like living in a very rural area. The nearest town of any size is 35 miles away, and I don't drive at night due to vision problems. Most groups or meetings that I'd like to attend happen in the evening hours, but I can't go for this reason. And yes, my H likes it this way. He wants to keep me to himself.

[waverider]

Well, I have made an appointment with a therapist. I have been in counseling before, off and on, for my own depression and found it helpful. I'm looking forward to it. 

The important thing is to set a precedent in doing things for you. One small strep at a time

And yes, my H likes it this way. He wants to keep me to himself.

Just as long as he doesn't start locking you in the cellar