Life after death of the marriage

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  Lets start by throwing some basic things out there and proceed from there;

Married for 12 years and filed for Divorce in Oct of this year.

She has had at least 4 EA's and a possible PA with her Ex boyfriend in 2007. Is currently in a online affair she refuses to end or even acknowledge as being an affair despite the evidence I have obtained to tell otherwise.

She has been neglectful to the three children me and her have together.

She was abusive to her step son, my eldest, to the point he wished to kill himself.

She has attempted several attempts herself.

She has attacked me, drawn knives on me, bit, hit, punched and kicked. Many other things.

She is unable to have logical discussions and will throw a temper at the drop of a hat.

She fabricates a sense of ignorance to any and all actions and problems she initiated as if it never happened.

I do not talk or engage with her currently save for the children and their needs. She left the house to live at her mothers and I have primary custody of the children, and exclusive use of the house vs letting go of her online affair partner.

Many other but we'll start with this for now... .

Hi, I'm Joker, and I am a recovering BPD supporter and savior. I am a mess, angry and a little scared about dealing with her and my emotions in the future. Nice to meet you all.

[IIjokerII]

  Lets start by throwing some basic things out there and proceed from there;

Married for 12 years and filed for Divorce in Oct of this year.

She has had at least 4 EA's and a possible PA with her Ex boyfriend in 2007. Is currently in a online affair she refuses to end or even acknowledge as being an affair despite the evidence I have obtained to tell otherwise.

She has been neglectful to the three children me and her have together.

She was abusive to her step son, my eldest, to the point he wished to kill himself.

She has attempted several attempts herself.

She has attacked me, drawn knives on me, bit, hit, punched and kicked. Many other things.

She is unable to have logical discussions and will throw a temper at the drop of a hat.

She fabricates a sense of ignorance to any and all actions and problems she initiated as if it never happened.

I do not talk or engage with her currently save for the children and their needs. She left the house to live at her mothers and I have primary custody of the children, and exclusive use of the house vs letting go of her online affair partner.

Many other but we'll start with this for now... .

Hi, I'm Joker, and I am a recovering BPD supporter and savior. I am a mess, angry and a little scared about dealing with her and my emotions in the future. Nice to meet you all.

[Turkish]

Hello IIjokerII, and 

That does certainly sound scary, and it's good that you seem to be safe now. I assume your primary custody is codified in a court order, as are the issues dealing with the kids?

It's painful to watch the other parent neglect their own children, especially in such a juvenile manner as abandoning them for an affair partner. How are the kids dealing with it, and do you sense they are in any danger with her?

Since she sounds so unstable, it's good to not give for the sake of being nice in a lot of these cases. She made her bed and she can lie in it. If you have issues concerning how to co-parent (or parallel parent, i.e., doing things your own way when your kids are with you rather than syncing with her), please join us on the Co-Parenting Board. There are a lot of members there who can help give you tips on how to approach the kids and dealing with their emotions given a disordered parent. If you have any legal issues, the Legal Board is a good place to post as well, as there are a lot of senior members who have gone through high-conflict divorces and custody battles, in addition dealing with ongoing possible legal issues surrounding shared children.

I'm sorry you've had to put up with her hurtful behavior. Mine started a juvenile r/s with a young man while living in our home, and I'm not sure which was more painful: what she did to me, or watching her neglect her own children (then S3 and D1). I got sick of lying to them when they kept asking (well, our son), "where's mommy?" It's an utter abdication of responsibility, and certainly goes against my values. You have every right to be angry. It gets better, but it takes time. Please keep posting, we're here to support you.

Turkish

[NorthernGirl]

Hello IIjokerII  and I'll join Turkish with a welcome 

I'm sorry you have been through such a difficult time. It sounds as though you have come to a place where you are able to focus on your children.

Given her history of violence, Turkish has some good questions about whether your kids would be in any danger. How is your oldest son doing? Does he have some support and counselling?

We've glad you found us. Please tell us more.

[IIjokerII]

Hello IIjokerII  and I'll join Turkish with a welcome 

I'm sorry you have been through such a difficult time. It sounds as though you have come to a place where you are able to focus on your children.

Given her history of violence, Turkish has some good questions about whether your kids would be in any danger. How is your oldest son doing? Does he have some support and counselling?

We've glad you found us. Please tell us more.

I am so sorry for the long break but life in plain just gets much more harder. She is still not here and things have gotten tough for me. Financially I keep getting hit and on one of the coldest winters ever on record the damn furnace crapped out. But this was recently. She is still at her mothers, and she still refuses to aid me in supporting these children. Soon after she left I found a journal from when my eldest son from another relationship moved in permanently and her noting her hatred and resentment towards him wishing he was never alive.

This killed me since for years she made me and his mother to be the ones who were to blame for her actions as if there was a problem at all. I keep reading some of the posts around here and am thankful that this is a real and serious issue. I simply do not know how to get over the addictiveness of her company despite the damage she kept bringing in the house.

My eldest for what it is worth is doing just fine and happy she is gone.

[Turkish]

joker,

Thanks for reporting back. I'm sorry about your furnace issues, and it must be maddening for her to provide no support. How are your three youngest dealing with the absence of their mom? Is there any contact, even by phone?

[IIjokerII]

Oh sure, she is around and does take the children but more often than not one or more do not wish to go. I try to make every drop off quick with little talking. Any attempt to ask for financial help is met with anger and dismissal. She pays nothing, and I do mean nothing.

From what I hear she does not spend quality time with them and merely continues her disconnected behavior with them. Detaching is hard cause just when I am ready to get over the emotional bonding part she will draw me right the hell back in. Her act is so convincing and it feels so genuine.

I keep reading all these posts around here and it fits her to a tee, but how the hell do I break free for good. These people are right, it is like a drug. For everything she has done I would still consider taking her back if she changed, and frightening enough maybe if she didn't at all.

[Suzn]

Hello joker. Welcome to the family. 

So sorry you are having to go through all of this with your ex-wife. Such a painful situation for you and your children. They are lucky to have you.

You are in the right place here. So many members know exactly what you're going through.

Stick with us and keep posting, it helps.

[IIjokerII]

 Well she is not my ex yet. I kicked her out of the house soon after the initial motion was filed, and accepted by her without protest, primary custody and full use of the house after I caught her talking to one of her online AP's about the thrill of stabbing me over and over being more exciting than sex.

Since she has left no conversation can be had unless I am a "God little" boy and show nothing but apathy to our marital plight and place no blame on her at all. And when I know I am at the point of total detachment she has an act, that I do believe is real and in a few instances we have also had highly intimate sex. There is no middle ground, there is nothing but the physical high and the emotional hell. I wouldn't relent to her if not being so lonely and stressed.

Besides the 180 is there a more effective manner to detach and minimize from a BPD Wife?

[Suzn]

Ah, sorry I missed that you are still married. You're right about these relationships being like a drug and kicking the habit isn't a walk in the park. It takes some work to replace our need for our "drug" with healthier coping methods. That's really all addiction is about and the best way out is straight through. We either numb out with that drug or we wake up some uncomfortable feelings and get comfortable with them. The latter is what this site can help you with.

She bullied your son to the point of him having suicidal thoughts and she has reveled in thoughts of stabbing you over and over. Pretty scary stuff joker. Do you think you may have become somewhat desensitized to the seriousness of these things? I'm glad you acknowledge it is frightening to you to think you'd take her back with her current state of mind.

[IIjokerII]

Ah, sorry I missed that you are still married. You're right about these relationships being like a drug and kicking the habit isn't a walk in the park. It takes some work to replace our need for our "drug" with healthier coping methods. That's really all addiction is about and the best way out is straight through. We either numb out with that drug or we wake up some uncomfortable feelings and get comfortable with them. The latter is what this site can help you with.

She bullied your son to the point of him having suicidal thoughts and she has reveled in thoughts of stabbing you over and over. Pretty scary stuff joker. Do you think you may have become somewhat desensitized to the seriousness of these things? I'm glad you acknowledge it is frightening to you to think you'd take her back with her current state of mind.

I feel like a self aware heroin addict, fully aware of the harmfulness her presence elicits. And I am in a better place, but that losing feeling. What the hell did I lose really? Nothing. I lost an abusive, violent and so on woman. But I feel that damned sense of loss that can muster tears in a moment. Why? Why can't I let go. Even now, I feel that emptiness. Maybe it is the feeling of being replaced, or realizing that I maybe never mattered to her. She told me to just trash our wedding items and memories. I didn't. I couldn't.

My children are starting to suffer. One has signs of BPD himself, either angry or elated with life. He can't self soothe, and loses his cool really quick. Our eldest together gets aggressive easily yet will reel it in if I challenge him vs getting angry, Our Daughter seems to be handling it the best. I did about lose it though when she was exposing them to her little online affair partner.

And I am endlessly cold. It is soo damned cold. My days blur and I feel like she made it out of the fire unscathed. She destroyed a marriage, my sons childhood, our financial lively hood. All the while I get to pay the bills for our, her, children. Some might say I "Won" as I planned ahead to defeat her in the courts. But yet I feel like a loser. And if I may ask? This place and it's banner, BPD, really a catalyst for this type of behavior? How do I know I do not just suck. She can be convincing. The only thing that keeps me sane is me retelling the story to myself from the beginning and wondering aloud sometimes how I am at where I am.

[Turkish]

joker,

Do you think you miss the idea of her more than her?

[Suzn]

Letting go is a process and it takes time but you started letting go the minute you reached out for help and started talking about what's been happening. It helps to be able to talk to people who truly get it and all of us here have been in your shoes where BPD behaviors have touched our lives. Some more than others. And yes BPD can elicit these behaviours. Though it is thought by many professionals that BPD is comorbid. There is more information on this to the right of your screen. >> >

You sound quite aware joker. The difference between you and your wife is that you are very aware of each of your children and how this is affecting them and you are looking for solutions for yourself and them. That doesn't sound like someone who just sucks. Children can be very resilient and they learn by example. You can teach your children healthy coping skills by using those skills yourself. Also learning how to validate their emotions so that they can identify and process them.

Your feelings of loss and anger are valid, you have every right to feel this way. Being a single parent is hard enough but when you throw in the effects of a mentally disordered parent it's much more difficult. Have you considered seeking a therapist to help you with what you and your children have been up against? It would be beneficial.

I'm sorry this is so painful, it will get better.

[IIjokerII]

 I would seek therapy for myself however cost and time are becoming quite the obstacle, although for our youngest son, who is showing signs of BPD himself, this may be inconsequential and become a requirement.

I am indeed I think more attached to the idea of her, although for the life of me I cannot explain why. Between the Violence, lack of domestic support, child neglect and abuse as well as financial mishandling I have nothing to gain by her being part of my life. I did at one time enjoy her company, before her online affair addiction took hold but now she is completely different.

If I am to be honest, and please do not take this the wrong way, but is this condition, BPD, a reality or just a scape goat for one poor behavior and dismissal of morals. I am struggling to find out if she has always been this way or if her emission of her character all these years was merely the mask for her alter ego, or true self rather.

[IIjokerII]

joker,

Do you think you miss the idea of her more than her?

I think the idea more maybe, but I am lonely to be sure. I also hate how all her efforts go to her AP's and her slow exposure of one of them to our children under the guise of him just being a friend.

Even after all the admittance of her feelings with one of them she still denies it as if it never happened, and it is all in my head.

[Suzn]

We can't diagnose anyone here, we look at behaviors. Only a licensed professional can do that however you know her best and you can read through the criteria to see if there's a fit.

Does the label really matter? She had expressed wanting to harm or kill you. She has bullied a child to the point of suicidal thoughts. It's painful when someone cheats on us, emotionally or physically, no doubt and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Am I reading correctly that your and your children's safety are seeming to take a back seat to the affair?

[billypilgrim]

I feel like a self aware heroin addict, fully aware of the harmfulness her presence elicits. And I am in a better place, but that losing feeling. What the hell did I lose really? Nothing. I lost an abusive, violent and so on woman. But I feel that damned sense of loss that can muster tears in a moment. Why? Why can't I let go. Even now, I feel that emptiness. Maybe it is the feeling of being replaced, or realizing that I maybe never mattered to her. She told me to just trash our wedding items and memories. I didn't. I couldn't.

Letting go is hard.  Their hooks go in very deep.  And you have suffered a great trauma, don't sell yourself short on not being able to let go yet.  It hurts and it's going to take time.  Educate yourself about the disorder, I found that truly enlightening.  Educating myself was also very validating of everything I was thinking during the relationship but couldn't quite vocalize it to my ex or even to friends.  

 And if I may ask? This place and it's banner, BPD, really a catalyst for this type of behavior? How do I know I do not just suck. She can be convincing. The only thing that keeps me sane is me retelling the story to myself from the beginning and wondering aloud sometimes how I am at where I am.

It's called gasligthing.  It's a manipulative behavior that pwBPD (cluster b's in general) are professionals at using against us nons.  We begin to question our own realities, we doubt our own instincts and thoughts.  We start to believe the nonsense that our BPD partners spew about us and our relationships.  Everything is our fault.  We suck.  We failed them.  Etc.  And to make things worse, you have to buy into her nonsense in order to make the relationship work.  Because that's how you've learned to keep the peace.  And you likely saw the rage/acting out/tantrums if you didn't cave or buy into her issues with you or the relationship.  

[cloudten]

I feel like a self aware heroin addict, fully aware of the harmfulness her presence elicits. And I am in a better place, but that losing feeling. What the hell did I lose really? Nothing. I lost an abusive, violent and so on woman. But I feel that damned sense of loss that can muster tears in a moment. Why? Why can't I let go. Even now, I feel that emptiness. Maybe it is the feeling of being replaced, or realizing that I maybe never mattered to her. She told me to just trash our wedding items and memories. I didn't. I couldn't.

My children are starting to suffer. One has signs of BPD himself, either angry or elated with life. He can't self soothe, and loses his cool really quick. Our eldest together gets aggressive easily yet will reel it in if I challenge him vs getting angry, Our Daughter seems to be handling it the best. I did about lose it though when she was exposing them to her little online affair partner.

And I am endlessly cold. It is soo damned cold. My days blur and I feel like she made it out of the fire unscathed. She destroyed a marriage, my sons childhood, our financial lively hood. All the while I get to pay the bills for our, her, children. Some might say I "Won" as I planned ahead to defeat her in the courts. But yet I feel like a loser. And if I may ask? This place and it's banner, BPD, really a catalyst for this type of behavior? How do I know I do not just suck. She can be convincing. The only thing that keeps me sane is me retelling the story to myself from the beginning and wondering aloud sometimes how I am at where I am.[/quote]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is all me. ... .every inch of it except I didn't marry him.

I am a self aware BPD addict. I am also fully aware of the harmfulness of being involved with him on any level. Last week, I drove straight to his house mindlessly. Drove up the drive. Walked up to his door. Knocked. and talked to him for 2 hours. I needed my fix. And that day after I saw him, I had the most productive day at work that I had had in a month. When I am with him, my body fixes itself.  When I am not with him, my physical person suffers. I lose my hair, I can't eat, my digestive tract gets all messed up, I have eye problems. It affects me physically to not be with him. it is a complete and total addiction.

The banner on the side says Detachment leads to freedom. Detachment leads me to baldness. . Detachment is a literal heartache that makes me curl up in a fetal position on my bedroom floor.

But attachment isn't any better! Its psychological abuse, stonewalled responsiveness, manipulation, lies, cheating.

I cannot figure out how to live with him. I cannot figure how to live without him.

I know it is possible to live without him. I have done it- in and out of recycles. I know that there is freedom eventually. I have seen glimpses of it. There is life and fresh air. There are wonderful people out there.

Coming here helps so much! At least, if anything, it gives me a little bit to feel not-so-crazy and not alone. I know that its not just me. It is affirming that although I may have addiction issues and OCD issues, his issues are his own. His issues are completely self destructive to the point that he will never be able to have a real relationship in the sense that us NONs know exists.

Keep coming here! Keep posting even if no one responds (although I have never had that happen). Keep reading the lessons. Keep living in the "what-is" and not the "what-if's".  What-if she gets help? Only deal with that when the what-if becomes the what-is.

[IIjokerII]

We can't diagnose anyone here, we look at behaviors. Only a licensed professional can do that however you know her best and you can read through the criteria to see if there's a fit.

Does the label really matter? She had expressed wanting to harm or kill you. She has bullied a child to the point of suicidal thoughts. It's painful when someone cheats on us, emotionally or physically, no doubt and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Am I reading correctly that your and your children's safety are seeming to take a back seat to the affair?

I did, at first, not see or more accurately want to see the damage she had caused aside form her affair. I was so consumed at one point at her emotional attacks at myself that I simply could not see her for what she was and had accepted her behavior in the past in order to keep the peace. This was wrong. Although I did take a long time I planned ahead to make sure her harmful behavior cannot harm me or my eldest son anymore.

I am wrestling with a dilemma though about whether or not to blow this wide open. My Lawyer suggests detaching her from me and my assets first and then pursue her mental health issues afterward. The reasoning is that she may not contest, and so far this seems legit, child custody or materials, and then afterward contest her later.

I am not proud about letting this brew to a point. But without family save for hers, which have been very helpful to those who have helped, it was a scary prospect to try to separate from her without my other three children. With the idea of them being exposed to her without me or my eldest there I tried to make things work to prevent any further harm.

I was wrong.

[Mutt]

Hi IIjokerII,

Don't be hard on yourself. I realized at one point that there was something wrong and couldn't put my finger on it. I was trying to fulfill a role of peacekeeper for the kids in our home.

We have a legal board with members that have experience with mental illness and courts [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody and you should get helpful advice and support.

I'm not sure that I understand the logic with mental health issues afterwards and laws are different in different countries, states etc.

If you think she may not contest on child custody what's the strategy with mental health issues after the fact?

Are you fighting for full custody?

I could also be getting this wrong, my apologies.

[Suzn]

The board Mutt suggests would be a good place to discuss your options on whether or not you want to blow this wide open.

Just so you know joker, there is no judgement in my questions. My intent is to help you see your worth. Your life is precious and we care about your safety. 

[mywifecrazy]

Hi Joker.

I just wanted to say hang in there. I know it sounds like an impossible situation but there is hope.

Your story touched me as I know what it feels like to be a father with kids whose X ran out leaving him holding the bag and trying to take care of children on your own.

My uBPDxw ran out on me and our sons (8&13) almost two years ago when I caught her in bed with my neighbor. I was DEVESTATED and in a lot of pain as I was caught completely off guard. I won't go into to many details as you can look up my story through my username. Bottom line is I was left alone to take care of my 2 sons who were just as shocked and in as much pain as I was. I went into a depression for several months. It wasn't until I went NC that the FOG started to lift and my head started to clear. I found out that my X wasn't who she portrayed herself to be. I found out she was a WAIF victim type BPD. When I took my focus off of her and only focused on me and raising my kids I was able to pick up,on her lying and manipulating ways. I came to the realization that she was indeed a sick and troubled soul. I had to let go of her as I couldn't do anything to help her but I could help me and my boys.

I just wanted to say that there is hope. I know how horrible of a place you feel like you're in now but it will get better if you do the work to heal yourself. Focus on you and your kids. Go NC as much as possible. It can workout for you. Your kids will be OK if you are able to stabilize yourself. Kids will be OK if they have at at least one stable parent. They need you now more than ever. Please take her threats seriously and document everything. Protect yourself as you don't know what she is capable of. Make sure you have some SAFE people that you can confide in talk to about your frustrations.

When my X ran out on me and my boys I thought it was the end of the world. Now I know it was just the beginning of my new life that's on a better path. The road was rocky at first but it has smoothed out significantly.

Wishing you and your kids PEACE!

MWC... .