Just realizing my ex girlfriend that I was with 2 & a half years has a BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We've been broken up now almost 2months. I have to say it has to be the most difficult break-up I have ever experienced. From what I've been reading about being in a relationship with an individual that has traits of BPD or has full blown PD, that what I'm experiencing is pretty much par for the course. I'm trying to move on in positive & healthy way. Accepting that it's over & that in due time I will see that I'm much happier & better off without her in my life. I truly know & believe this. But, I can't idolizing & only remembering the good times. Some days are better than others. I have never yearned so badly for any kind of closure. Which just isn't going happen. She has zero interest in letting go & moving on in a healthy or positive manner. She finds happiness in causing me as much emotional pain as possible. I just found out last night that she has been contacting my to go out to dinner & hang-out. Telling him to tell my father she said hi & that she misses them. That really hurts because I know she doesn't or won't allow herself to miss me whatsoever. I'm just lost & confused. Wondering where to begin in order to move on & be happy again?

[bobby13d]

We've been broken up now almost 2months. I have to say it has to be the most difficult break-up I have ever experienced. From what I've been reading about being in a relationship with an individual that has traits of BPD or has full blown PD, that what I'm experiencing is pretty much par for the course. I'm trying to move on in positive & healthy way. Accepting that it's over & that in due time I will see that I'm much happier & better off without her in my life. I truly know & believe this. But, I can't idolizing & only remembering the good times. Some days are better than others. I have never yearned so badly for any kind of closure. Which just isn't going happen. She has zero interest in letting go & moving on in a healthy or positive manner. She finds happiness in causing me as much emotional pain as possible. I just found out last night that she has been contacting my to go out to dinner & hang-out. Telling him to tell my father she said hi & that she misses them. That really hurts because I know she doesn't or won't allow herself to miss me whatsoever. I'm just lost & confused. Wondering where to begin in order to move on & be happy again?

[Mutt]

Hi bobby13d,



I'm sorry your going through this.

These relationship break-ups are incredibly difficult and painful.

Who did she contact for a dinner & hang-out?

[bobby13d]

She's been contacting my brother to go to dinner & to hang out on 3 or 4 different occasions during the month of February.

[Mutt]

She's been contacting my brother to go to dinner & to hang out on 3 or 4 different occasions during the month of February.

She lacks boundaries. How did you feel?

It helps to talk to people that share similar experiences. These r/s often make us feel like we're going crazy. It helps to talk to people that have gone through it that get it.

I understand your wondering where to begin.

From the beginning is a good start.

How did you meet?

[bobby13d]

Yes, she does lack boundaries. It made me feel horrible. She did this another time when had broken up, trying to hang-out with my brother. I found out about it & got very upset with her. She admitted it was wrong & apologized. Later, she admitted she was just doing it to piss me off after we reconciled & got back together. So here how we met. I went to Las Vegas for my friends girlfriend's birthday in April of 2000. She was the cousin of my friend's girlfriend. She had just moved her from Brazil two weeks prior that. She didn't speak any English. We ended up hooking up that night. Then I didn't speak to her again until April of 2012. Started talking to her on Facebook. She had just separated from her husband of 10years. We went out a couple of times. Her feelings for me started progressing at such an accelerated rate. I was constantly trying to get her emotions to slow down. I kept telling her you're only seperated take it slow. Her divorce is almost about to be finalized in the next month or so.

[bobby13d]

No I'm not undecided about staying with here. I'm done with & everything to do with. All I want is for my wounds to heal & get back on my feet.

[bobby13d]

I just have one question. Should I tell her to stop contacting my or should I just leave it alone?

[Mutt]

I just have one question. Should I tell her to stop contacting my or should I just leave it alone?

I think your right. She's seperated and your not sure if she's going to reconcile with her H or not. These types of relationships tend to move at breakneck speed. I can relate.

A pwBPD have poor boundaries and have difficulties understanding personal boundaries of others. Telling her isn't going to hurt and she'll likely not respect your boundary out of an emotional need for her. A boundary is something you put on yourself; if she does X I respond with Y.

Is she sending you hateful and threatening calls, emails and texts?

[bobby13d]

She's always threatening to call the police on me. If I show up her house or if I contact her. I haven't been behaving in that kind of fashion at all. Just the few rare times we have spoken she has made it point to tell me she's seeing someone else & then to throw in a bunch of threats. I have a very strong suspicion my brother & her saw eachother yesterday. My brother & I haven't been on speaking terms for around the last 9months. So this is going to create more tension between him & I. She knows this will upset me. What is the best course of action or non action I should take?

[Mutt]

Why aren't you on speaking terms with your brother for the last 9 months? I understand they a hang-out.

[bobby13d]

My brother 9 months ago all of the sudden got very resentful of me not showing for Christmas eve dinner 3years ago. He has his own set of issues with accepting when I made a mistake. I had thought we had moved past this. But then 9 months ago I found out we hadn't. Things have been rocky between us ever since. What does that mean in your last post "I understand they a hang-out"?

[Mutt]

I just found out last night that she has been contacting my to go out to dinner & hang-out. Telling him to tell my father she said hi & that she misses them.

I meant they had a dinner and hang-out. I think what's helpful is to move to the center from either your brother and your ex. You may have a potential karpman drama triangle. The link will explain drama triangles and how to cope.

If she's threatening you with cops your split black. Dichotomous thinking is common with pwBPD and they view the world as either black or white or all good or all bad.  

There may be more tension for you if she adds a third person to shift tension. I'm not saying that your triangulated with your brother. What I am saying is to not take either side and create more tension for yourself.

A pwBPD will shift from all 3 positions of victim, persecutor or savior. As an example it could be possible that she was saying bad things about you with your brother if she doesn't see good qualities in you. This may make her a victim, you persecutor and him as savior. I'm sorry it's difficult with your brother.

I think the best course is to take neither side and don't respond to hostile messages.