How do I handle my bf cornering me?

[misuniadziubek]

One of my biggest issue as of late that I have not been able to resolve is how to handle it when my uBPDboyfriend corners me over something and accuses me of ignoring him.

Example Scenario.

He's working on his car. He asks me to hang out. He asks me to bring two zip ties from his car trunk.  All I heard was zipties, so I bring the bag. He gets angry.

"I asked for TWO, so obviously you have to bring the whole bag? Why don't you ever listen to me?"

I don't consider it a big deal since he can use how many he likes and then I can put the rest back in his trunk. I explain that to him.

"No. I asked for two. You brought me the whole bag. You never listen to me. Why do you offer to do things if you never bother to do them correctly?"

I just tell him I'm sorry. I didn't think much of it.

"No, answer me. Why do you do this?"

This is a bit of a catch-22 because if I do answer, I'll start JADE-ing. If I don't answer, he'll attack me over ignoring me and get even angrier.

"You okay?" Which actually means, answer the question. If I say I am okay. He'll go off on "Well then answer why the h* don't you ever listen?"

He always asks why. And if I don't answer coherently he always gets angry that I'm ignoring him. He doesn't want excuses or explanations because that makes him angrier as well, and it WILL lead him to become fully dysregulated. If I walk away, then he calls me whiny and b___y and tries to provoke me by saying "Yeah. Go cry about it, why don't you." Oh and most of the time, I do walk away. He'll follow me to the bathroom. And if I close the door? "Why do you have to be such a BI*CH all the time."

Maybe I've missed a lesson on this or something, but it's gotten so exhausting dealing with these ridiculously childish tantrums... .over... .nothing? Actually nothing? Zip ties?

I explained myself in this situation when he first asked why and he ended up mildly burning his finger on the car engine or something while I was talking: "Thanks a lot, Misunia. This is what I always get. Why did you even bother coming out here if you were just gonna be bit*hy and whiny? Your b___iness and whininess -always- gets me injured. Why can't you just not be such a -bi***? I don't get it. Just go. I don't even want to look at you." 

His roommate can and sometimes does resolve the situation by just telling him to stop being such a drama queen and get over it. But I'd rather deal with this without all the triangulation, because I don't want her always taking mine or his side on things. He gets bothered by being cornered like that as well and feels terrible, and I don't like to see him like that.

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[newlifeBPDfree]

Something like this used to happen to me all the time in my relationship with my exBPDh. It's almost like they dont want to hear an answer, they just want to keep asking the same question, they want to go on a rage and you are just the perfect target. There is never a good answer for them, there is nothing you can do to deflect their anger. They just go on and on no matter what you say or do. I wish I knew how to deal with these tantrums when I was still married.

Now, all I can do is ignore and not reply. In the past I would try to defend myself which made me angry becuase I saw how pointless it was and that it was not making anything better. On several occasions my defending myself and trying to run away led to physical altercation during which I broke his hand in self defense. I wish there was an easy button for these tantrums.

[123Phoebe]

His roommate can and sometimes does resolve the situation by just telling him to stop being such a drama queen and get over it. But I'd rather deal with this without all the triangulation, because I don't want her always taking mine or his side on things. He gets bothered by being cornered like that as well and feels terrible, and I don't like to see him like that.

You don't live together?  Go home when he acts like that.  Can't be much fun to be around.

[misuniadziubek]

His roommate can and sometimes does resolve the situation by just telling him to stop being such a drama queen and get over it. But I'd rather deal with this without all the triangulation, because I don't want her always taking mine or his side on things. He gets bothered by being cornered like that as well and feels terrible, and I don't like to see him like that.

You don't live together?  Go home when he acts like that.  Can't be much fun to be around.

Easier said than done. Home is 2 hrs away and I need somewhere to sleep when I'm up there.

[Cat Familiar]

He's working on his car. He asks me to hang out. He asks me to bring two zip ties from his car trunk.  All I heard was zipties, so I bring the bag. He gets angry.

"I asked for TWO, so obviously you have to bring the whole bag? Why don't you ever listen to me?"

I don't consider it a big deal since he can use how many he likes and then I can put the rest back in his trunk. I explain that to him.

"No. I asked for two. You brought me the whole bag. You never listen to me. Why do you offer to do things if you never bother to do them correctly?"

I just tell him I'm sorry. I didn't think much of it.

"No, answer me. Why do you do this?"

This is a bit of a catch-22 because if I do answer, I'll start JADE-ing. If I don't answer, he'll attack me over ignoring me and get even angrier.

"You okay?" Which actually means, answer the question. If I say I am okay. He'll go off on "Well then answer why the h* don't you ever listen?"

I know this scenario. It totally sucks.  

I had a version of it last night. My husband asked me to address an envelope to a business and put the individual's name on top because my handwriting is supposedly better than his. I was confused because I always have addressed envelopes with the business name on top and below that Attention: Individual. So I asked if he wanted me to do that. Our wires got crossed because I wasn't sure what exactly he wanted me to do and in the meantime, his iPhone kept clicking off, so I couldn't see the address.

"Why do you never listen to me? In all the years I've been sending correspondence, I've never done it the way you're suggesting" he nearly shouted at me. I tried to tell him I'd do it however he wanted, but I just didn't understand what he was asking. So, once I did, I addressed the envelope, but I was upset and it looked kind of sloppy. He sighed and looked very disappointed. I told him I would address another one and try to do better. He told me not to bother.

So today I see the envelope I addressed on the dining table and then I see him walk over to the recycling pile with it--I'm sure he did that to show me his disapproval for my poor attempt. He has a tremor, so it's hard for him to hand write sometimes, but when he is able, he has very nice writing. I ignored his display.

[123Phoebe]

His roommate can and sometimes does resolve the situation by just telling him to stop being such a drama queen and get over it. But I'd rather deal with this without all the triangulation, because I don't want her always taking mine or his side on things. He gets bothered by being cornered like that as well and feels terrible, and I don't like to see him like that.

You don't live together?  Go home when he acts like that.  Can't be much fun to be around.

Easier said than done. Home is 2 hrs away and I need somewhere to sleep when I'm up there.

And your point is?

Have you ever imagined telling him that you can't handle being spoken to that way, you won't be spoken to that way, therefore you are willing to jump in your car, no matter the hour and go home where it's peaceful?

Or, think about it this way... .  asking yourself the question...   I drove 2 hours to be treated like this?

[misuniadziubek]

And your point is?

Have you ever imagined telling him that you can't handle being spoken to that way, you won't be spoken to that way, therefore you are willing to jump in your car, no matter the hour and go home where it's peaceful?

Or, think about it this way... .  asking yourself the question...   I drove 2 hours to be treated like this?

Home is anything but peaceful . I live in my parents house and being there on a weekend is pretty much hell already.

I get your point though. This is the sort of thought I had on my birthday. I decided to come up here on my birthday so that you could abuse me to the point that I mentally dissociate?

I guess I could try.  I know he'd get really upset if I did that. Delete me from Facebook. Tell me we're done. Call me up crying while I'm driving home asking why I couldn't just listen to him. How unhappy I've made him. How I could just be a decent gf to him and his life would be so much better.

He is really in love with me, no matter what he says when he's disregulated. He's found so many reasons to leave me, so he claims, but in the morning when he wakes up he's still ecstatic I'm there, affectionate. Telling me how happy he is to have me in his life. It's like mini sessions of the idealization phase. The fact that I haven't left him after all of this, because part of him knows well that he can be insupportable, he doesn't know what to do with that. No one has ever willingly stayed in his life so long.

Nonetheless, I have to take care of myself, repeatedly set boundaries and most of all. Enjoy the good. Because there is always so much good going on between us. If only to tip the scale so that his relentless criticisms and painting me black don't push me away so far that I decide I'm done.

[Notwendy]

I think " you don't listen to me" i, tas a top comment I hear way too often.

One thing that may be contributing to this is the fact that you have nowhere to go. I have found that things between me and my H can get tense in situations where we are sharing a hotel room, or long car ride. It seems like an opportunity for him to get triggered, in addition, he's sometimes uneasy in a new place or situation.

This is one reason I do not stay at my mother's place when I visit her. It is too triggering. There have been a few times that she dissociates and I just leave.

You can't control what your bf does, but you don't have to tolerate him mistreating you. I see where it is hard to walk away when he gets like that as you are staying with him when you visit. However, you could go out and get some coffee, take a walk, go to another room, when he dissociates and let him know that you are available when he has calmed down.

[123Phoebe]

However, you could go out and get some coffee, take a walk, go to another room, when he dissociates and let him know that you are available when he has calmed down.

Personally, I think this is a slippery slope, essentially telling someone that they aren't calm.  If I was being spoken to in the way misuniadziubek's bf spoke to her I wouldn't be calm, and would have to step away for my very own reasons.  One being to clear my own head.

And your point is?

Have you ever imagined telling him that you can't handle being spoken to that way, you won't be spoken to that way, therefore you are willing to jump in your car, no matter the hour and go home where it's peaceful?

Or, think about it this way... .  asking yourself the question...   I drove 2 hours to be treated like this?

I get your point though. This is the sort of thought I had on my birthday. I decided to come up here on my birthday so that you could abuse me to the point that I mentally dissociate?

I guess I could try.  I know he'd get really upset if I did that. Delete me from Facebook. Tell me we're done. Call me up crying while I'm driving home asking why I couldn't just listen to him. How unhappy I've made him. How I could just be a decent gf to him and his life would be so much better.

He might say and do all of those things.  Still sounds pretty abusive to me, so I wouldn't listen to it.

Nonetheless, I have to take care of myself, repeatedly set boundaries and most of all. Enjoy the good. Because there is always so much good going on between us. If only to tip the scale so that his relentless criticisms and painting me black don't push me away so far that I decide I'm done.

  That's the spirit!

When taking care of ourselves becomes a top priority, we're in a much better place to handle life's lob-balls that are thrown our way.

[Notwendy]

That's a much better idea Phoebe- taking the focus off him and onto me... ." I need to calm down" is the better way to do this. Thanks