Letting go the fear of you being replaced with better person

[apollotech]

My ex had what I considered a really great girlfriend when he was in his early 20's (he is 37 now). She was very pretty, came from a very loving home and great family, was in school working on a college degree, was loving and stable. He had a good job, a nice car, they had a little duplex they moved into together. They even had a pet bird.

Seems everything he would want and need to make him happy.

When he and I first got together his words have stuck in my head all these years.

He said, "I had a job, a girlfriend, a home, a nice car and I still wasn't happy."

Even if our ex's find another great person like we feel we were to them, they still won't be happy and their issues still won't be fixed. The new person will endure all the same things we went through with them.

Like some others have commented, the replacement will be "better" if they sacrifice their own personal needs more, do better at being an emotional caretaker, put up with more abuse than we did. Who wants that? Maybe we would make the BPD ex happier, but would we be happier doing all that? I stayed with my ex the longest that anyone had stayed with him. 5 1/2 years.

He still had all the same issues and behaved how he did in his last relationships.

Needy, controlling, demanding, possessive, jealous, insecure, can't handle being alone, lack of motivation, problems with his job, eating disorder, process addictions... .

Nothing had changed. I tried the hardest to stick by his side and love him and accept him while trying to encourage him to get help for his issues. He never wanted to do the work because he didn't love himself (or me) enough to get better.

The new person will be idolized and devalued just like me and will eventually experience all the same drama, chaos and constant fighting and manipulation and threats of self harm that I experienced.

In the end (and throughout this relationship with him) I was NOT happy with someone with all these issues. I wanted better for myself and wanted peace and calmness in a relationship. One where I want the only one who had empathy.

My ex would tell me on more than one occasion, "I'm not able to give or receive love". I should have believed him then. But I do believe him now.

FLSunshineGirl,

Thank you for your beautifully expressed piece on how we, the Non's,  fit/play into the lives of SO's afflicted with BPD. You are right on point. It was quite simply never about us. Everyone loses. The pwBPD loses the most.

[mitchell16]

I had this fear for along time, when she had me brain washed into believing everything wrong was my fault. If i would talk a certain way, everything would get better, if I just gave her more space, it would be better, if I would just trust her, all would be better. Funny thing was I tried all those things and it was never better. Only thing that got better was she had less accountablity for her actions and I became a even bigger doormat for her. I remeber thinking she was married for 14 years how could that work, so it must be me. Until I met her first husband and really paid attention to what she said about him. Then it started to click with me. I met the guy and even though had been divorced for along time you could see that this guy had no self esteem, he no longer had any care or drive to him. I remember thinking that being married to her and destroyed him so bad he never recovered. He never had another relationship again. I remember her telling me that when they where married had no drive to be successful, and he didnt fight for her when the she ran off with another man, and that he was non confrontational. The man she left him for, was fly by the seat of his pants kinda guy, never worked a steady job, party guy, always getting in fights etc... well he become a drug addict and a alcoholic. Once he became that she was done with him, she walked away from him. his life was in shambles. he never recovered either. fastforward to me. I was a very confident person, top of my field, more a leader then a follower person etc... .three years after meeting her I was looking at myself and i was almost just like the first ex husband. I had lost my confidence, i got to where I never questioned her behaviors even when I knew she was lying, if she said jump I was almost asking her how high. So i had almost let her strip me down to nothing. Thats when I said enough was enough. The first husband could never fully walk away from her becuase they had a child togther. so he was stuck having to deal with her. Once I started using my common sense, and I learned  more and more about BPD I no longer feared she would all of a sudden become normal or find someone better. what I rellized in order for her to survive and for them to survive with her was you have to either become a full blown doormat in which she no longer finds you attractive or respects you or you have to become a full blown drug addict or alcoholic in which she no longer find you attarctive or respects you. either way, she walks away in the end and your life is ruined if you let them. just my two sense and my observation.

[willieb4]

 

 In the end if you truly care for the BPDer you should be glad she is happy and healthy and found someone that's can shoulder the ___ storm.  (likely she is not and has not)

This really resonates with me, I'm almost 3 months no contact and kinda hope there is someone there for her. I know it can't be me anymore because I did my best knowing what her problems were.

I do believe however, that the best hope for her is to work on herself through therapy, a new or recycled partner will only result in the same dysfunctional relationship patterns, doing neither person any good in the long term.

[lm911]

apollotech

Thank you for your strong and wise words! They are all true!

[lm911]

My rational side says that it is very unlikely that she will be happier that she was it me and I do not think that she will find someone better. But then it comes this fear, like I said it is irrational and I am trying to let go so that it can no longer bother me.

This is the thing: some of the things you're feeling are perfectly normal: if you were in a r/s with a non BPD person who you loved, and who found someone new, you would feel very, very sad.

But this is the thing:  if this fear lingers, then it's a sign that it has absolutely nothing to do with her - that it's all about you. This is likely an emotional "thread" that can be followed backward through time to an original source - best done in counseling.

I have never felt this fear and I have been in r/s with non BPD. It is just that my r/s with my ex BPD f**cked my brain like a drug. So am in battle with this fear.

Are you sure that there is no other way than counseling?

[jhkbuzz]

My rational side says that it is very unlikely that she will be happier that she was it me and I do not think that she will find someone better. But then it comes this fear, like I said it is irrational and I am trying to let go so that it can no longer bother me.

This is the thing: some of the things you're feeling are perfectly normal: if you were in a r/s with a non BPD person who you loved, and who found someone new, you would feel very, very sad.

But this is the thing:  if this fear lingers, then it's a sign that it has absolutely nothing to do with her - that it's all about you. This is likely an emotional "thread" that can be followed backward through time to an original source - best done in counseling.

I have never felt this fear and I have been in r/s with non BPD. It is just that my r/s with my ex BPD f**cked my brain like a drug. So am in battle with this fear.

Are you sure that there is no other way than counseling?

Lol these days I'm not sure of anything!

But this is what I do know:  your r/s ended a year ago... .that's a long time to be struggling with this. That in and of itself is a clue that your fears and your feelings of inadequacy have not originated with your ex, but have deeper roots in a more distant past.

It is said that a r/s with a pwBPD can bring up core childhood wounds - that this is the "silver lining" of these r/s's - if processed properly we can heal in ways that would not have been possible without these r/s's.  But you have to be willing to take that journey.

You cannot "reason" your way through emotions. I wish you could - I'd be doing it right now!

[CloseToFreedom]

In a way, I am happy that my ex already has a replacement. I'm not saying it is easy, its anything but, but at least I know she has one and I don't have to fear it anymore. What I don't know is:

1) is she happier with him than with me?

2) will they survive as long or longer as we did?

3) is this relationship going to be stable? as opposed to our rollercoaster ride?

4) while she is in a relationship with him, is she still interested in me or will her interest in me grow again?

These questions keep me occupied, although I know I should be working on questions about MYSELF. Like, why did I allow this to happen? Why did I spend so much time and energy in a relationship that was pretty much toxic from the get go? Why am I so dependent on someone else to find self worth or even a meaning to live?

[lm911]

CloseToFreedom

We will make it through, I do not know how but we are better without them, so it wil get easier for us to let go these questions and thoughts or at least I hope so... .

[Infared]

My rational side says that it is very unlikely that she will be happier that she was it me and I do not think that she will find someone better. But then it comes this fear, like I said it is irrational and I am trying to let go so that it can no longer bother me.

This is the thing: some of the things you're feeling are perfectly normal: if you were in a r/s with a non BPD person who you loved, and who found someone new, you would feel very, very sad.

But this is the thing:  if this fear lingers, then it's a sign that it has absolutely nothing to do with her - that it's all about you. This is likely an emotional "thread" that can be followed backward through time to an original source - best done in counseling.

I have never felt this fear and I have been in r/s with non BPD. It is just that my r/s with my ex BPD f**cked my brain like a drug. So am in battle with this fear.

Are you sure that there is no other way than counseling?

Lol these days I'm not sure of anything!

But this is what I do know:  your r/s ended a year ago... .that's a long time to be struggling with this. That in and of itself is a clue that your fears and your feelings of inadequacy have not originated with your ex, but have deeper roots in a more distant past.

It is said that a r/s with a pwBPD can bring up core childhood wounds - that this is the "silver lining" of these r/s's - if processed properly we can heal in ways that would not have been possible without these r/s's.  But you have to be willing to take that journey.

You cannot "reason" your way through emotions. I wish you could - I'd be doing it right now!

Im911... .yeah... I agree with JNKbuzz... .I did a lot of T and it was soo great.

I was in pain and not thinking clearly when I started... but try to elevate your thoughts for a moment... .and look at it like this... .You are not bad, or anything... .you are going on a journey to find out about yourself and to grow into a better person. It takes courage AND curiosity! ... .I got a great T and more than half way through... .I was looking forward to the adventure of finding me.  Sometimes it sucked. Sometimes it was GREAT!... .I also did group T and met some REALLY great guys... .and we explored together... Kind of made it easier to see others with similar struggles.  ... .

JNK could be right... .BPD's bring up our FOO stuff... .but ... .I think... .their mental illness and self-centeredness does a boatload of damage to someone who just wanted a loving partner.  ... .but that is my experience... .we all have one! 

[Infared]

In a way, I am happy that my ex already has a replacement. I'm not saying it is easy, its anything but, but at least I know she has one and I don't have to fear it anymore. What I don't know is:

1) is she happier with him than with me?

2) will they survive as long or longer as we did?

3) is this relationship going to be stable? as opposed to our rollercoaster ride?

4) while she is in a relationship with him, is she still interested in me or will her interest in me grow again?

These questions keep me occupied, although I know I should be working on questions about MYSELF. Like, why did I allow this to happen? Why did I spend so much time and energy in a relationship that was pretty much toxic from the get go? Why am I so dependent on someone else to find self worth or even a meaning to live?

CloseToFreedom... .remember ... .we have NO CONTROL over what others do... .only ourselves.  ... so... .you did not allow it to happen... (be easy on you, brother) ... .she chose not to be with you... .   I could not change that either.  I just HAD to accept it.  I try to keep the club in the closet where it belongs these days. 

[Perfidy]

Some fears are rational, others are irrational. Irrational fears are phobias. Acrophobia is an irrational fear of height. Wether rational or irrational, fear is a phantom. It's like the past. The past was real at one time, but it isn't now. The past is also a phantom, as well as the future.

[lm911]

Some fears are rational, others are irrational. Irrational fears are phobias. Acrophobia is an irrational fear of height. Wether rational or irrational, fear is a phantom. It's like the past. The past was real at one time, but it isn't now. The past is also a phantom, as well as the future.

Quite philosophical sounds to me. I do not think fear is a phantom and that the past is a phantom. Study the past if you want to know the future, because history repeats itself.

[Dutched]

Don’t fear, just be confident in your own future. The ex is no part of it anymore, despite memories.

You will get better, the ex will not… never.

There is enough evidence to find on this Board that their history will repeat, no matter the happy masks on FB, their having a good time or their ‘moving on’.

We learned, gained insight, ripped ourselves to peaces so to speak and have gained great awareness   

We were at a certain point, and the next will be, ALL they need or ALL they hate depending on the phase in their BPD cycle. Their ‘garbage’ will be dumped, no matter what.

Depending on the spectrum, some will continue to have short term relationships, others will try to establish a long r/s again, however stay out of pure neediness and deep shame to end a r/s again (people might wonder), special towards family and their social circle. Living the same unfulfilling life again with universal ‘the best ever happened to me’.

[Perfidy]

Im911, not even Nostradamus could tell the future. The past will depress. Depression sucks. The future breeds anxiety. Anxiety sucks. The past and future are haunting phantoms of eternity. It's always now. Reality only exists now. Everything else is a phantom.

[Hope0807]

 

LOVE this!

I have no fear of this. Anyone who stand my ex long enough to be official is either deaf or better than me at being a doormat. In any case no envy to be had.

[HappyNihilist]

My ex would tell me on more than one occasion, "I'm not able to give or receive love". I should have believed him then. But I do believe him now.

My exBPDbf said similar things, and I saw after the relationship that I should have believed him. Like your Maya Angelou signature quote says, Sunshine - "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time."

My ex had what I considered a really great girlfriend when he was in his early 20's (he is 37 now). She was very pretty, came from a very loving home and great family, was in school working on a college degree, was loving and stable. He had a good job, a nice car, they had a little duplex they moved into together. They even had a pet bird.

Seems everything he would want and need to make him happy.

When he and I first got together his words have stuck in my head all these years.

He said, "I had a job, a girlfriend, a home, a nice car and I still wasn't happy."

My ex has had several periods in his life where he had a good job, good woman, nice house and car, pets... .and not been happy. It was always vaguely his partner's fault, although he could never verbalize quite what it was they did or didn't do to cause his unhappiness. (Except in the case of his first wife, who was similarly disordered.) He likes to claim that the "stars will never align for him to find happiness" - always relying on external forces to fulfill needs only he can meet for himself.

Even if our ex's find another great person like we feel we were to them, they still won't be happy and their issues still won't be fixed. The new person will endure all the same things we went through with them.

The new person will be idolized and devalued just like me and will eventually experience all the same drama, chaos and constant fighting and manipulation and threats of self harm that I experienced.

^ This.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and for your words of wisdom.

[Hostage1234]

I guess better would be a man who pays for everything has no input and hates sex because that would be my BPD exgf dream man.

[Coffeeandsmokes]

All contributers: Great thread, loads covered. I needed this after her breaking NC has brought me back from a good place. Who knew the Internet could be a force for good?

To the OP, she broke NC as my replacement wasn't up to scratch. I'm fighting the recycle. Don't worry about the replacement, when it fails (5 pages of comment all assure you it will) and she comes looking you'll be wise to it and see it all so much more clearly. You can pretty much predict what she will do based on your knowledge of her and your learning on here.

[FlSunshineGirl]

You're so welcome Happy!

[FlSunshineGirl]

This really resonated with me Dutched

... .

"We were at a certain point, and the next will be, ALL they need or ALL they hate depending on the phase in their BPD cycle. Their ‘garbage’ will be dumped, no matter what."

... .

I heard in the beginning how he didn't need anyone but me to be happy!

Then later it was how he had no friends and no life.

He did have a married female friend when we first started talking. He quickly told me he would end their friendship if that was what I wanted.

I knew they weren't physically involved so I was never worried about that.

I found that so odd that he was ready to throw a friendship away that I thought mattered to him. I told him I trusted him and didn't want him to end a friendship.

Now we have had NC for almost 2 months and he's sent me two emails asking for me to be his friend. Why should I? So when he finds a better replacement than the new one he's with he can just say the same to her and ask if he should get rid of me? 

[JPH]

I can only go by my own life experience to respond to this, so here goes. I met my ex-BPD girlfriend when I was 24. I was in law school. I was depressed, lonely and burned out on school. She was gorgeous, very sexual, intelligent, and, when she wanted to be, adorably funny. I honestly couldn't understand why she wanted to be with me and allowed so much abuse during our years together. She choked me at a wedding reception, randomly showed up at my office crying and screaming, kept tabs on me, raged and threw tantrums constantly, etc. And I put up with it for far too long because (1) the sex was off-the-charts phenomenal, on paper she was my dream girl, and I didn't have enough self-confidence to extricate myself from the relationship because I didn't think I deserved better; (2) I felt sorry for her because of her horrible family background; and (3) at some point I became too scared of her to try and leave her. She knew it, too. She pushed me to the absolute emotional limit before crushing my heart by cheating on me and splitting me black. After I finally understood what I was dealing with and had focused on my self-esteem enough to question how I allowed myself to be treated so poorly, I let go. And about that time she re-appeared. She tried everything - and I mean everything - to keep me on the line. False charges, calling my parents, using her friends, family and co-workers as proxies to harass me. For years afterward she also employed the repeated hang-up telephone calls (even after I moved three hours away for a new job). Why did she keep up her games for so long after we broke up? And why did she abuse me so horribly during the relationship? Because I allowed her to, and by the end of the relationship she had no respect for me because of how I allowed myself to be run over.

Fast forward about fourteen years, and I met another woman who at first seemed perfect for me. We had the same humor, interests in music, political views, etc. She was attractive, intelligent, hilarious, and very sexy. At first she was wonderful. However, after a few dates the mask fell off. It was as if a dark cloud began to follow her everywhere she went. She was always negative, telling me that she was broken, could only offer sex in a relationship, and was afraid of hurting me. She began to grow distant and shied away from meeting my friends or family. It seemed like the only people who were really close to her were enablers with self-esteem problems of their own. Recognizing that road as one I'd been down before, I broke it off very early. I did so nicely and tried to remain friends, but it seemed like every interaction with her left my gut instinct feeling negatively. She pouted like a child several months after I broke up with her, complaining that I hadn't asked her to do anything as friends (after specifically requesting space for a while after I broke it off). Then she found another man, who (except for a few times when she randomly asked me to meet her for drinks while they were dating - I didn't) pretty much made her forget about me. I'm not gonna lie. I've worried that this guy could be her Prince Charming or that I broke up with her too soon without giving her more of a chance. I've come to the conclusion, however, that he is probably more like I was when I was 24-25. He's enabling her and is probably a better doorman than I was. He puts up with more of her bad behavior because he thinks she's exciting and is willing to put up with her treating him poorly and being distant other than for sex. Or he's just as much of a user as she is, in which case they deserve each other. I'm no longer willing to sell myself out for some good, dirty, ego-boosting sex when the woman clearly doesn't value me for me. I firmly believe that's why they're still together and why I pulled the ripcord so early after seeing enough red flags to make an educated choice.

[mitatsu]

The Only time i use the word Better is when i'm saying 'I'm better off without that mess of a person in my life'

[jhkbuzz]

The Only time i use the word Better is when i'm saying 'I'm better off without that mess of a person in my life'

^^^ 

[Mutt]

The thread is a worthwhile topic and is now locked. A a new similar topic of discussion can be started.