Letting go the fear of you being replaced with better person

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A year has passed since my break up and since then I have being devalued. I feel better, but one thing is keeping me stuck and I have managed to find what. This is the fear that one day in the future my ex BPD will a find better person and she will love him more than me and that she might even be happy for a long period of time. This is in connection with my ego. I am trying just to let it go like breathing and just let go. If someone had gone with the same problem I would like him/her to share their experience and lesson.

[lm911]

A year has passed since my break up and since then I have being devalued. I feel better, but one thing is keeping me stuck and I have managed to find what. This is the fear that one day in the future my ex BPD will a find better person and she will love him more than me and that she might even be happy for a long period of time. This is in connection with my ego. I am trying just to let it go like breathing and just let go. If someone had gone with the same problem I would like him/her to share their experience and lesson.

[Trog]

I have no fear of this. Anyone who stand my ex long enough to be official is either deaf or better than me at being a doormat. In any case no envy to be had.

[lm911]

I have no fear of this. Anyone who stand my ex long enough to be official is either deaf or better than me at being a doormat. In any case no envy to be had.

That is rational and it is correct but like you know fear and other feelings are not rational.

[Withdrawal]

Better? What does that mean? BPD makes everything opposite. Better to her means worse to you. It means they will be better at being abused and cheated on. Better servant. Better at not having boundaries or needs. You want to be a better person in the real world, not opposite world. After a year, I would hope you would know this. Makes me nervous to think what lies ahead for me since I only went NC this week!

[Trog]

I have no fear of this. Anyone who stand my ex long enough to be official is either deaf or better than me at being a doormat. In any case no envy to be had.

That is rational and it is correct but like you know fear and other feelings are not rational.

True. And it's taking me a long time to be rational about my relationship and you will need to go thru all the healing processes to do that. I never had this particular fear, I always felt this way from when we broke up but I had other irrational fears. These were conquered by mindfulness and replacing your 'what if' pop up with another, more useful pop up - like affirmations if you will. It's all brain stuff, those what wire together fire together and you need to do some Un-programming of some pretty ingrained core beliefs. Unf i dont know what those beliefs are for you but I'd place a hefty wager it's some unresolved/self worth/childhood issue. If you want help on that irrational fear perhaps councilling is a good idea?

[Leaving]

A better person than you? 

Do you believe that you were not good enough? That there was something you could have or should have done or been?

I'll spare you any cheerleading hoopla and just share a little bit of wisdom that I have gained in my 54 years of life.  If you don't believe that you're good enough for someone than you will always choose to surround yourself with people who will treat you as an unworthy person.  Everything in our life reflects our values and what we believe and how we feel about ourselves.  Our perception of ourself also alters our perception of others- especially when we don't feel worthy.  If we feel small, everyone else appears larger, if we feel poor then everyone else appears wealthier, if we feel lonely, everyone else appears to be happy and in love.   I would have never married my BPD husband had I believed that I deserved better and I would have never stayed with him as long as I did. My perception of myself was so distorted because of being raised by an NPD/BPD mother and therefore, my entire marriage misrepresented the true me- the strong, vivacious, loving woman that deserved someone who valued and nurtured those qualities and not abused them.

I would suggest that you focus on gaining personal insight and confidence and not allow your bruised ego to cloud your mind and prevent you from experiencing a rich and happy life. 

Like Trog, I don't worry about my husband finding a new woman.  If he does, I hope they are happy because that means that he won't be inflicting misery on anyone else in the world.  However, I really don't believe he's ever going to find someone who he would be happy with unless they are happy being invisible in their relationship with a man they can't trust or depend on or communicate with. If that is the case, then so be it and more power to them.  I wouldn't trade my own happiness and freedom for that kind of ' happy' ever again!

[willtimeheal]

A year has passed since my break up and since then I have being devalued. I feel better, but one thing is keeping me stuck and I have managed to find what. This is the fear that one day in the future my ex BPD will a find better person and she will love him more than me and that she might even be happy for a long period of time. This is in connection with my ego. I am trying just to let it go like breathing and just let go. If someone had gone with the same problem I would like him/her to share their experience and lesson.

I understand what you are feeling and saying. Today I have struggled with this a little more than usual. I am about six months out. I was replaced while we were still together. The replacement has already moved in and they are talking marriage. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. She looks so happy and I struggle everyday. I feel like I did all the ground work and now someone else gets to ride off into the sunset.

Then I think about their life. She is an alcoholic, she is going to lose her job from a recent dwi, he is a.convicted felon, and her family is completely disordered. How does any of that sound happy?  How does any of that sound like I want it in my life. All she has is her looks... .that's it. She is gorgeous on the outside but a mess.on the inside. I want nothing to do with that life.

[nowwhatz]

A year has passed since my break up and since then I have being devalued. I feel better, but one thing is keeping me stuck and I have managed to find what. This is the fear that one day in the future my ex BPD will a find better person and she will love him more than me and that she might even be happy for a long period of time. This is in connection with my ego. I am trying just to let it go like breathing and just let go. If someone had gone with the same problem I would like him/her to share their experience and lesson.

I understand what you are feeling and saying. Today I have struggled with this a little more than usual. I am about six months out. I was replaced while we were still together. The replacement has already moved in and they are talking marriage. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. She looks so happy and I struggle everyday. I feel like I did all the ground work and now someone else gets to ride off into the sunset.

Then I think about their life. She is an alcoholic, she is going to lose her job from a recent dwi, he is a.convicted felon, and her family is completely disordered. How does any of that sound happy?  How does any of that sound like I want it in my life. All she has is her looks... .that's it. She is gorgeous on the outside but a mess.on the inside. I want nothing to do with that life.

That is a great example of what they might generally find when we are "replaced."   

This is a great topic and lm911... .I have been exactly where you are  What Leaving said is really true... .if they are really happy and have found someone to be happy with then they will not be harming another person.

lm911 what are the chances of your exbdd being happy and healthy enough to stop inflicting harm on others? probably very small.

[lm911]

My rational side says that it is very unlikely that she will be happier that she was it me and I do not think that she will find someone better. But then it comes this fear, like I said it is irational and I am trying to let go so that it can no longer bother me.

[PaintedBlack28]

I have been split black 5 months ago. For what I know she is with someone mostly for spending weekends together. They play tennis together and almost every weekend they go places (they move a lot) and it is obvious they are having lots of fun. I have a big problem with this because despite me knowing that this guy will meet the same fate I met, he will have great memories and  maybe because they are not seeing each other on a daily basis their relationship will last longer.  It hurts like hell to know they are having such a wonderful time together, and I can accept that she met a rich guy who can shower her with attentions and gifts, if I compare the things I gave her then he plays with great advantage because on the time I was with her I was getting divorced (ugly divorce) battling custody issues and stuff. I was dead broke and cojldnt give her the kind of lifestyle I thought she deserved.And from the side it can be seen he is just the perfect man for her. He gives her everything. The thought of this and it feels like I'm dying inside. She is a BPD waif, extremely talented when it comes to sex.

After all this time away from her I dont really know when will this pain go away. Sometimes I think it will take 100 years to feel indifference.

[ripps]

Thank you lm912. I don't have much advice as I am 3 days out / nc only but I have the same feelings. Like paintblack my case is exactly similar. She will make sure her replacement has lots of money, same thing divorce and couldn't give her that, but it's all she talked about wanting, while simultaneously telling me she loved me no matter what. Also a waif. My worry is I believe her new therapist is on to her ... .if she gets a new guy and the therapist helps her diminish symptoms he wins. Haunts me.

[oletimefeelin]

As we understand the nature of the disorder, we have to understand that this fear is largely an irrational one.  It's the part that keeps you stuck for sure.

I reconnected with mine in the last few months.  At some point, I'll try to write about it here.  We met in person and she made a point very early on to tell me that she felt that she had gotten her karmic payback for how she had treated me.  I didn't want to know much more.  It sounds like the cops had to get involved.  From the little bit she told me, it was clear the new gentleman was of the unavailable variety.  So the scene may shift and the actors may change, but the same thing keeps happening.

[sun seeker]

  This fear is common.  I have read it over and over on here. I also had this same fear . But it was short lived. Feeling that someone is better is definitely irrational.  Unless the BPDer is fully accepting professional help and doing the work , a BPDer being in a HEALTHY r/s  is unheard of. (Please feel free to share any successful BPD r/s)  

 My 2 year r/s was a rollercoaster of good and bad times. Mostly bad though. Now I can say im glad for the experience . Because I found things within me that needed change. She came into my life at an all time low I lost high paying job , my mom past away,  my recent r/s ended I was vulnerable and not in a strong state of mind . And I let this BPDer in my life then boom! I had a instant  best friend , lover exc. (So I thought) I decided to turn a blind eye to the obvious red flags we all now see that we are no longer  in the fog.

 In the end if you truly care for the BPDer you should be glad she is happy and healthy and found someone that's can shoulder the ___ storm.  (likely she is not and has not)

We all can be ok if we handle this in a healthy way. Talking here is an amazing outlet. There are some truly caring people here. This is a good jump start to healing. Keep up the hard work of totall N/C. And being good to ourselves. We deserve good in our life dont let anyone take that away!

[Trog]

Just another word on this - whatever you are thinking about being replaced with someone better remember this is an abandonment disorder. My ex was forever trying to strike up conversations and re-engage old supply (none of them with give her the time of day - all are NC, me too), any happiness the new supply or the BPD will eventually wheel round to devaluation for the supply and you will be re-engaged, believe me. Sure, she may have a period of calm but the storm is never far away and almost anything can trigger it but nothing triggers it more than happiness it seems!

My ex always said when she was 'too happy' that something would come along to ruin it in her experience. It's taken me 7 years to realise that this 'something' is her BPD.

Guy, they are not worth it. If they're not in recovery/therapy I would not give a BPD/NPD 0 time of day - they hurt people... .On purpose many times! I struggle to sympathise with this disorder because it's so needless, it's like a drunk refusing help, childhood caused it but most of us here had terrible neglectful or abusive childhoods (healthy folk don't date BPD/NPD) but for the most part we all seem willing to look at our behaviours and pride ourselves on being decent people. Esp NPD have no such code!

[willtimeheal]

My rational side says that it is very unlikely that she will be happier that she was it me and I do not think that she will find someone better. But then it comes this fear, like I said it is irational and I am trying to let go so that it can no longer bother me.

I have the same fear Im911. It's like I need to see her destroy the new relationship so I know it was not me.

What I do know is that I gave a 100% to the relationship and I was all in. She always had a foot out the door. And if my logical mind looks at how happy she seems now with the replacement ... .the first six months to a year were that happy when we were together too. I can't save or fix her. I never held. She doesn't want me. The only person I can fix and save is myself. Doesn't make it any easier.

[nowwhatz]

Just another word on this - whatever you are thinking about being replaced with someone better remember this is an abandonment disorder. My ex was forever trying to strike up conversations and re-engage old supply (none of them with give her the time of day - all are NC, me too), any happiness the new supply or the BPD will eventually wheel round to devaluation for the supply and you will be re-engaged, believe me. Sure, she may have a period of calm but the storm is never far away and almost anything can trigger it but nothing triggers it more than happiness it seems!

My ex always said when she was 'too happy' that something would come along to ruin it in her experience. It's taken me 7 years to realise that this 'something' is her BPD.

Guy, they are not worth it. If they're not in recovery/therapy I would not give a BPD/NPD 0 time of day - they hurt people... .On purpose many times! I struggle to sympathise with this disorder because it's so needless, it's like a drunk refusing help, childhood caused it but most of us here had terrible neglectful or abusive childhoods (healthy folk don't date BPD/NPD) but for the most part we all seem willing to look at our behaviours and pride ourselves on being decent people. Esp NPD have no such code!

Trog,

I am starting to feel they way you do struggling to sympathize if they are not in recovery/therapy.

I am a problem solver/fixer with a lot of success stories. In a way the BPDex was the ultimate puzzle and challenge for me.  Really it was playing with fire and I got burned.

Unless they were in regular therapy/treatment I would never consider getting involved again with a person with a serious disorder.   Like you said not worth it.  Any decent caring person would go through the same if they were the replacement. Chances are very few would put up with is.

My exgf used to tell me I was the only guy in the world who could "handle her."  This was during a time when she was in treatment and we could talk about BPD. I used to think that too but we were both wrong.

Maybe if some replacement were functioning alcoholic or drug addict with a high enough income to meet the financial needs of the pwBPD he could zone it all out... .who knows.

My exgf is 44 years old, a convicted felon and not in treatment. She is still very attractive but not getting any younger. If she ever has a long term replacement my prediction is it would be a much older guy 65 or 70 over older... .with $$.

In fact, the exgf, ever the candid one told me a couple weeks ago her supervisor was trying to fix her up with her day who is 68 years old.

Trog for those of us who were not abused during childhood what do you think are some reasons we got into the BPD r/s?

[nowwhatz]

My rational side says that it is very unlikely that she will be happier that she was it me and I do not think that she will find someone better. But then it comes this fear, like I said it is irational and I am trying to let go so that it can no longer bother me.

I have the same fear Im911. It's like I need to see her destroy the new relationship so I know it was not me.

What I do know is that I gave a 100% to the relationship and I was all in. She always had a foot out the door. And if my logical mind looks at how happy she seems now with the replacement ... .the first six months to a year were that happy when we were together too. I can't save or fix her. I never held. She doesn't want me. The only person I can fix and save is myself. Doesn't make it any easier.

It was definetly not you. It is hard but we will get through it.

[Trog]

Just another word on this - whatever you are thinking about being replaced with someone better remember this is an abandonment disorder. My ex was forever trying to strike up conversations and re-engage old supply (none of them with give her the time of day - all are NC, me too), any happiness the new supply or the BPD will eventually wheel round to devaluation for the supply and you will be re-engaged, believe me. Sure, she may have a period of calm but the storm is never far away and almost anything can trigger it but nothing triggers it more than happiness it seems!

My ex always said when she was 'too happy' that something would come along to ruin it in her experience. It's taken me 7 years to realise that this 'something' is her BPD.

Guy, they are not worth it. If they're not in recovery/therapy I would not give a BPD/NPD 0 time of day - they hurt people... .On purpose many times! I struggle to sympathise with this disorder because it's so needless, it's like a drunk refusing help, childhood caused it but most of us here had terrible neglectful or abusive childhoods (healthy folk don't date BPD/NPD) but for the most part we all seem willing to look at our behaviours and pride ourselves on being decent people. Esp NPD have no such code!

Trog,

I am starting to feel they way you do struggling to sympathize if they are not in recovery/therapy.

I am a problem solver/fixer with a lot of success stories. In a way the BPDex was the ultimate puzzle and challenge for me.  Really it was playing with fire and I got burned.

Unless they were in regular therapy/treatment I would never consider getting involved again with a person with a serious disorder.   Like you said not worth it.  Any decent caring person would go through the same if they were the replacement. Chances are very few would put up with is.

My exgf used to tell me I was the only guy in the world who could "handle her."  This was during a time when she was in treatment and we could talk about BPD. I used to think that too but we were both wrong.

Maybe if some replacement were functioning alcoholic or drug addict with a high enough income to meet the financial needs of the pwBPD he could zone it all out... .who knows.

My exgf is 44 years old, a convicted felon and not in treatment. She is still very attractive but not getting any younger. If she ever has a long term replacement my prediction is it would be a much older guy 65 or 70 over older... .with $$.

In fact, the exgf, ever the candid one told me a couple weeks ago her supervisor was trying to fix her up with her day who is 68 years old.

Trog for those of us who were not abused during childhood what do you think are some reasons we got into the BPD r/s?

The term abuse seems very strong but these white knights can come from any kind of dysfunctional background. Let's par down the word abuse instead let's say households where a child is made to be over responsible and/or hyper vigilant. If there was any conflict in the home where mum/siblings needed protecting or inconsistant care this can also create a white knight... .It can also create BPD, these two opposing (non and their BPD) are often born from the very same initial trauma wounds.

Anyone who has thoughts on why some go BPD/NPD whereas the rest go golden child/codependent/responsibility taker? Sure there must be many theories? I guess we look for positive attention whereas they'll take any and throw in abandonment fears and you get BPD?

[nowwhatz]

Just another word on this - whatever you are thinking about being replaced with someone better remember this is an abandonment disorder. My ex was forever trying to strike up conversations and re-engage old supply (none of them with give her the time of day - all are NC, me too), any happiness the new supply or the BPD will eventually wheel round to devaluation for the supply and you will be re-engaged, believe me. Sure, she may have a period of calm but the storm is never far away and almost anything can trigger it but nothing triggers it more than happiness it seems!

My ex always said when she was 'too happy' that something would come along to ruin it in her experience. It's taken me 7 years to realise that this 'something' is her BPD.

Guy, they are not worth it. If they're not in recovery/therapy I would not give a BPD/NPD 0 time of day - they hurt people... .On purpose many times! I struggle to sympathise with this disorder because it's so needless, it's like a drunk refusing help, childhood caused it but most of us here had terrible neglectful or abusive childhoods (healthy folk don't date BPD/NPD) but for the most part we all seem willing to look at our behaviours and pride ourselves on being decent people. Esp NPD have no such code!

Trog,

I am starting to feel they way you do struggling to sympathize if they are not in recovery/therapy.

I am a problem solver/fixer with a lot of success stories. In a way the BPDex was the ultimate puzzle and challenge for me.  Really it was playing with fire and I got burned.

Unless they were in regular therapy/treatment I would never consider getting involved again with a person with a serious disorder.   Like you said not worth it.  Any decent caring person would go through the same if they were the replacement. Chances are very few would put up with is.

My exgf used to tell me I was the only guy in the world who could "handle her."  This was during a time when she was in treatment and we could talk about BPD. I used to think that too but we were both wrong.

Maybe if some replacement were functioning alcoholic or drug addict with a high enough income to meet the financial needs of the pwBPD he could zone it all out... .who knows.

My exgf is 44 years old, a convicted felon and not in treatment. She is still very attractive but not getting any younger. If she ever has a long term replacement my prediction is it would be a much older guy 65 or 70 over older... .with $$.

In fact, the exgf, ever the candid one told me a couple weeks ago her supervisor was trying to fix her up with her day who is 68 years old.

Trog for those of us who were not abused during childhood what do you think are some reasons we got into the BPD r/s?

The term abuse seems very strong but these white knights can come from any kind of dysfunctional background. Let's par down the word abuse instead let's say households where a child is made to be over responsible and/or hyper vigilant. If there was any conflict in the home where mum/siblings needed protecting or inconsistant care this can also create a white knight... .It can also create BPD, these two opposing (non and their BPD) are often born from the very same initial trauma wounds.

Anyone who has thoughts on why some go BPD/NPD whereas the rest go golden child/codependent/responsibility taker? Sure there must be many theories? I guess we look for positive attention whereas they'll take any and throw in abandonment fears and you get BPD?

Thanks Trog!  This was an area i wanted to explore with my T in 2013 but she fired me for not being depressed enough .   the next day the ex called to recycle.   Maybe I need to recycle the T.

[Trog]

Just another word on this - whatever you are thinking about being replaced with someone better remember this is an abandonment disorder. My ex was forever trying to strike up conversations and re-engage old supply (none of them with give her the time of day - all are NC, me too), any happiness the new supply or the BPD will eventually wheel round to devaluation for the supply and you will be re-engaged, believe me. Sure, she may have a period of calm but the storm is never far away and almost anything can trigger it but nothing triggers it more than happiness it seems!

My ex always said when she was 'too happy' that something would come along to ruin it in her experience. It's taken me 7 years to realise that this 'something' is her BPD.

Guy, they are not worth it. If they're not in recovery/therapy I would not give a BPD/NPD 0 time of day - they hurt people... .On purpose many times! I struggle to sympathise with this disorder because it's so needless, it's like a drunk refusing help, childhood caused it but most of us here had terrible neglectful or abusive childhoods (healthy folk don't date BPD/NPD) but for the most part we all seem willing to look at our behaviours and pride ourselves on being decent people. Esp NPD have no such code!

Trog,

I am starting to feel they way you do struggling to sympathize if they are not in recovery/therapy.

I am a problem solver/fixer with a lot of success stories. In a way the BPDex was the ultimate puzzle and challenge for me.  Really it was playing with fire and I got burned.

Unless they were in regular therapy/treatment I would never consider getting involved again with a person with a serious disorder.   Like you said not worth it.  Any decent caring person would go through the same if they were the replacement. Chances are very few would put up with is.

My exgf used to tell me I was the only guy in the world who could "handle her."  This was during a time when she was in treatment and we could talk about BPD. I used to think that too but we were both wrong.

Maybe if some replacement were functioning alcoholic or drug addict with a high enough income to meet the financial needs of the pwBPD he could zone it all out... .who knows.

My exgf is 44 years old, a convicted felon and not in treatment. She is still very attractive but not getting any younger. If she ever has a long term replacement my prediction is it would be a much older guy 65 or 70 over older... .with $$.

In fact, the exgf, ever the candid one told me a couple weeks ago her supervisor was trying to fix her up with her day who is 68 years old.

Trog for those of us who were not abused during childhood what do you think are some reasons we got into the BPD r/s?

The term abuse seems very strong but these white knights can come from any kind of dysfunctional background. Let's par down the word abuse instead let's say households where a child is made to be over responsible and/or hyper vigilant. If there was any conflict in the home where mum/siblings needed protecting or inconsistant care this can also create a white knight... .It can also create BPD, these two opposing (non and their BPD) are often born from the very same initial trauma wounds.

Anyone who has thoughts on why some go BPD/NPD whereas the rest go golden child/codependent/responsibility taker? Sure there must be many theories? I guess we look for positive attention whereas they'll take any and throw in abandonment fears and you get BPD?

Thanks Trog!  This was an area i wanted to explore with my T in 2013 but she fired me for not being depressed enough .   the next day the ex called to recycle.   Maybe I need to recycle the T.

Some therapists are absolutely crap. I was told by mine that I looked pretty tough and she was 'used to dealing with real problems - like arsonists!'. Roll eyes and move on. Try to find someone who understands narcissistic injury, that may be the closest thing of not BPD

[willtimeheal]

My rational side says that it is very unlikely that she will be happier that she was it me and I do not think that she will find someone better. But then it comes this fear, like I said it is irational and I am trying to let go so that it can no longer bother me.

I have the same fear Im911. It's like I need to see her destroy the new relationship so I know it was not me.

What I do know is that I gave a 100% to the relationship and I was all in. She always had a foot out the door. And if my logical mind looks at how happy she seems now with the replacement ... .the first six months to a year were that happy when we were together too. I can't save or fix her. I never held. She doesn't want me. The only person I can fix and save is myself. Doesn't make it any easier.

It was definetly not you. It is hard but we will get through it.

Thanks for this. I know I question it because my ex was never diagnosed BPD or any personality disorder. I googled some things that were happening and it lead me here. That's why I have the doubt ... .I was the one in therapy. She never went. She went briefly but then quit.

[lm911]

I recommend reading the book " Letting go : The Pathway of Surrender". There it is written that you have to surrender to the core feeling that is bothering you. Of course, you by yourself have to find what is this core feeling- anger, fear, shame , guilt and etc. After that you can stop resiting to it and let it go.

[DDMoo2013]

A year has passed since my break up and since then I have being devalued. I feel better, but one thing is keeping me stuck and I have managed to find what. This is the fear that one day in the future my ex BPD will a find better person and she will love him more than me and that she might even be happy for a long period of time. This is in connection with my ego. I am trying just to let it go like breathing and just let go. If someone had gone with the same problem I would like him/her to share their experience and lesson.

I understand what you are feeling and saying. Today I have struggled with this a little more than usual. I am about six months out. I was replaced while we were still together. The replacement has already moved in and they are talking marriage. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. She looks so happy and I struggle everyday. I feel like I did all the ground work and now someone else gets to ride off into the sunset.

Then I think about their life. She is an alcoholic, she is going to lose her job from a recent dwi, he is a.convicted felon, and her family is completely disordered. How does any of that sound happy?  How does any of that sound like I want it in my life. All she has is her looks... .that's it. She is gorgeous on the outside but a mess.on the inside. I want nothing to do with that life.

You took the words right out of my mouth... .their life will be the same whether or not the person is there longer or shorter because that is how they have learned to live. It our ego that has been bruised and believe me I know and it hurts like hell, but we have to go thru this to get stronger and reach our potential as we have clearly shown that we have a lot to give... .to the right person... .and it wasn't them... .they are disordered and you don't get order from disorder! I am in month 3 of NC from my first recycle which was after 6 mths NC and almost a year in a half relationship (I would not commit until she acknowledged what she had done the first time round) trust me the behaviors are exactly the same only they are more brazen as they think they have you... .not me... .not again... .hang in there people its tuff but there is an upside... .you will start to feel free from the pain all of a sudden... .it will come when you least expect it!

[billypilgrim]

I have no fear of this. Anyone who stand my ex long enough to be official is either deaf or better than me at being a doormat. In any case no envy to be had.

That is rational and it is correct but like you know fear and other feelings are not rational.

You just answered your own question here.  BPD/cluster B behavior isn't rational.  Your ex isn't going to all of a sudden become rational with a new partner.  Therefore why should you think that someone new is going to be the magical combination for her?  People can't make other people "better" or "healthy" or whatever you want to call it.  The onus is on the individual to be happy and comfortable in one's own skin.   Feelings are fickle and they take time to catch up to everything you know.  I think the best way to combat this is by focusing on yourself.  

Here's my situation briefly as an example of how I'm dealing with it.  My ex just recently made her new relationship public, 4 months to the day of her leaving.  I know through friends that she started seeing him 3 weeks after she left so I knew that this had been going on for a while.  But people didn't know about it like they do now.  I received calls and texts all this week asking what was going on with me and my ex?  Had we split? Blah, blah, blah.  It was tough to relive that "I've been replaced" feeling again.  But looking at this situation rationally, how in the world is this new relationship going to work?  3 weeks out from a 6 year relationship?  Holy rebound.  And christ, we aren't even divorced yet (still 8 months left before that's final).  But I am a non, I am rational and she is a pwBPD and therefore inherently irrational.  So whatever doesn't make sense for me is going to make sense for her, because irrationality is all she knows.

But more importantly, so what if she finds someone new?  She was wrong for me for all of the wrong reasons.  That's what's most important.  But I get what you are going through, you are so trained to put her needs first that you are even doing it now, in a round about sort of way.  You are more concerned over who and what she is with and whether or not someone new will make it work that you are forgetting about who is most important in all of this, you.  But you'll get there.    

It took my ex 3 weeks to replace me after 6 years and a marriage.  The only question that I really wonder is what the heck is that guy thinking?  But then I remember, I was him.  I know what it feels like to have someone lovebomb you like that.  I looked passed all of the red flags and there are even more that he's going to have to look passed now.  Poor schmuck.  Hopefully he'll have the wherewithal to find this place and deal with his issues whenever this thing ends.  

 

[RedDove]

I concur with BillyPilgrim, people who suffer from BPD are not rational, they don't think like us. They are not healthy or capable of a normal, healthy, loving relationship. That would require trust, honesty and communication and those are skills they simply do not have in their toolbox.

I was with my exBPDbf on and off for 4 years with 3-4 recycles. I didn't know he suffered from BPD until I finally ended our encounter 9 months ago! I read everything I could about BPD. I went through the stages of grief, the pain, second guessing myself (denial) and finally reached acceptance. I finally focused on me, why I was vulnerable to an emotionally abusive man. I discovered the answers and am grateful I did. I don't want to ever be with someone like my ex BPDbf again.

As far as my replacements being "better"... .absolutely not, they are simply vulnerable to the love bombing and manipulation just like we were. Mine had other woman in the background during the entire encounter. I finally ended it when I discovered the last replacement first hand! He had her in the wings 1 month prior. She's not better, a used looking old hag blonde who works as a secretary. So if anything she's a step down.

I also recently unblocked my exBPDbf on Facebook. Guess what? I found yet another woman he cheated on me with back 2 years ago! She's an amateur photographer. She has pics of the two of them still on her FB Wall! He recently refriended her. She looks like a guy, seriously, a male jock body and fugly! She's 5 years older than him! I'm 3 years younger than him, but I look 10 years younger because the alcohol has aged him! Whilst at the same time he still has the other woman I cought him cheating on me with last June as a friend on Facebook! That's how crazy and messed up they are! They always need supply (a fix) on hand to soothe their feelings of confusion, shame, fear, anger, etc. We aren't unique or special individuals to them, just "things", toys, like a blankie or a pacifier to a baby.

Its all about their needs being met. This sums it up... .it's a recent text from my ex BPDbf (he started trying to recycle me after 4 months NC and I didn't take the bait)... ."When your main focus was "my" comfort, it was easy to "love" you!" 

[apollotech]

A year has passed since my break up and since then I have being devalued. I feel better, but one thing is keeping me stuck and I have managed to find what. This is the fear that one day in the future my ex BPD will a find better person and she will love him more than me and that she might even be happy for a long period of time. This is in connection with my ego. I am trying just to let it go like breathing and just let go. If someone had gone with the same problem I would like him/her to share their experience and lesson.

Im911,

Why do you care who she finds? Why do you care if she is happy or not? She is gone out of your life... .be damn thankful for that blessing! I understand your pain/questioning/anger/etc. I have been there and still have days where I am there.

You were with this woman. Do you actually believe that she is going to meet someone, anyone, and be magically transformed into someone else? Do you really believe that? Whoever she meets won't be any worse than you or any better than you... .he will just be another victim. As soon as the shiny weas off of him, she'll find another victim. A pwBPD is a cyclical/serial predator. My BPDexgf has a very long line of discarded men in her wake; I am not one of them.

With all of that out of the way, let's talk about someone important---you. Your self-esteem/self-worth is in no way, shape, or form caught up in that woman or her thoughts and/or feelings about you. YOU have total responsibility in how you perceive yourself. ACCEPT that responsibility and own your perception of yourself. If you want to be a better person, then be a better person. If you don't accept responsibility for yourself then you are at the mercy of other's thoughts about you, feelings about you, and projections of you. You question your value rather than know your value. Your value is not tied up in who your ex might meet.

I am sorry for being blunt brother, but I want to see you living in the present, not the past. Gain personal growth from your failed relationship and move forward.

[Thechairman]

My 9 year relationship ending when my BPD met a guy, "dated" him for a month and moved in with him as I told her to leave.  That was 4 months ago.  She is a low class liar and cheater, and so is he.  I'm sure that they are in the honeymoon stage, but soon he will get his Karma-what he has coming to him.  He is in for a big surprise!  They both did me a favor, I got the better end of the deal.  But I will admit, there is a part of me that hopes they fail miserably. 

[jhkbuzz]

My rational side says that it is very unlikely that she will be happier that she was it me and I do not think that she will find someone better. But then it comes this fear, like I said it is irrational and I am trying to let go so that it can no longer bother me.

This is the thing: some of the things you're feeling are perfectly normal: if you were in a r/s with a non BPD person who you loved, and who found someone new, you would feel very, very sad.

But this is the thing:  if this fear lingers, then it's a sign that it has absolutely nothing to do with her - that it's all about you. This is likely an emotional "thread" that can be followed backward through time to an original source - best done in counseling.

[Infared]

From my experience I have this outlook.

Yes, my replacement will be all that I was and more, for a while.  He wil be better than me (to her). ... .but he will just be the person I was (to her), before she devalued me.

I do not think that any person can live up to a 7-year-old's expectation of  a perfect savior. It may be a short time, it may be a long time, but eventually the replacement will be assessed as not the shiny white knight that was perceived and be blamed for all her discontentment with herself... .(but she won't tell him that truth). What person could possibly live up to that fantasy ideal? No one.

She will just start shopping for another white knight out there... ."he HAS to be out there somewhere to rescue her."... .(Daddy wouldn't?).

I cannot and will not allow my ex's mentally-ill assessment of me be what I believe in myself. She can take that garbage down the road with her.  Thank you.

May God bless both of them!  

What I need to work on is the rescuing part. 

[FlSunshineGirl]

My ex had what I considered a really great girlfriend when he was in his early 20's (he is 37 now). She was very pretty, came from a very loving home and great family, was in school working on a college degree, was loving and stable. He had a good job, a nice car, they had a little duplex they moved into together. They even had a pet bird.

Seems everything he would want and need to make him happy.

When he and I first got together his words have stuck in my head all these years.

He said, "I had a job, a girlfriend, a home, a nice car and I still wasn't happy."

Even if our ex's find another great person like we feel we were to them, they still won't be happy and their issues still won't be fixed. The new person will endure all the same things we went through with them.

Like some others have commented, the replacement will be "better" if they sacrifice their own personal needs more, do better at being an emotional caretaker, put up with more abuse than we did. Who wants that? Maybe we would make the BPD ex happier, but would we be happier doing all that? I stayed with my ex the longest that anyone had stayed with him. 5 1/2 years.

He still had all the same issues and behaved how he did in his last relationships.

Needy, controlling, demanding, possessive, jealous, insecure, can't handle being alone, lack of motivation, problems with his job, eating disorder, process addictions... .

Nothing had changed. I tried the hardest to stick by his side and love him and accept him while trying to encourage him to get help for his issues. He never wanted to do the work because he didn't love himself (or me) enough to get better.

The new person will be idolized and devalued just like me and will eventually experience all the same drama, chaos and constant fighting and manipulation and threats of self harm that I experienced.

In the end (and throughout this relationship with him) I was NOT happy with someone with all these issues. I wanted better for myself and wanted peace and calmness in a relationship. One where I want the only one who had empathy.

My ex would tell me on more than one occasion, "I'm not able to give or receive love". I should have believed him then. But I do believe him now.