My MIL has BPD traits

[Miss D]

Hi.  I'm new here and I'm glad to have a safe place to share what's going on so I don't feel alone and have support in how to deal with this issue.  I've been married just under a year. (Our anniversary is Sunday) My MIL has been coming into our home when I am alone in the shower or when we are gone.  She lets herself in with a key she has because she co/owns the home with my husband where we live.  She lives 5 doors down.  My husband understands I am upset but I think he doesn't want to do anything like change the locks or say anything to her.  He uses the excuse "she is old, she won't be with us long" to avoid rocking the boat.  I understand his feelings because when his oldest brother set a boundary with their mother she "cut him out of the will."  I don't know how to deal with the anger, resentment, disrespect, and violation that I feel.  I don't feel safe in my own home and it's causing difficulties between my husband and I as well as the stress making a health issue I have worse.  I just needed a safe place to say how I feel.  Thank you for letting me share.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Miss D and welcome aboard!

It sounds like quite a difficult situation for you to find yourself in. it's quite invasive of your MIL to let herself in whenever she wants to - after all it is your home and you are entitled to feel safe there regardless of where she lives. I can understand your husband having trouble in setting boundaries considering what happened to his brother but that doesn't mean you can't take steps to help yourself. You want to be able to take a shower or just do whatever you want without anyone letting themselves into your house!

Have you read any of the material that is available here on the site? It would be worth you familiarising yourself with the information in order to help you deal with the anger, resentment, disrespect, and violation you describe.

Do you have reason to suspect she has BPD? Are there other behaviours that have led you to that conclusion?

I will post some links that may help you formulate some ideas


This one is about setting boundaries and your entitlement to do that

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

and you may wish to understand the fear obligation and guilt dynamics that are often part of the BPD dynamic

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's a great safe place to do that

Ziggiddy

[VickyJo]

Hi Miss D. I am sorry to hear the stress you are going through.  I can fully relate. My husband and I are also newlyweds, but we lived together a couple years before we got married. During that time, my MIL would violate physical boundaries in many ways.  On a regular basis she would show up at our home unannounced, without asking if it's a good time to come over.  My husband gave her a key for emergencies (long before I moved in), and she used it to enter our home without asking on a number of occasions. When leaving our home after family events, she demands (with yelling) to leave personal items behind and says she will come back to get them in a few days. 

I share all of your feelings: anger, resentment, disrespect... .and the biggest one... .violation.   

Although I felt this behavior was abnormal, at first I gave my MIL the benefit of the doubt. I considered that perhaps she didn't understand this was crossing boundaries and didn't know how much she upset us.   And so, I felt the right thing to do was express how it made us feel and clearly state boundaries.  I assumed that once she has this information, she would understand, and behavior would change.  We communicated this on multiple occasions: a couple times my husband did it on his own with his mother in person.  One time my husband and I did it together with his parents in person. All times we communicated that we needed physical boundaries: she needed to respect our home as ours, she needed to call before coming over, and she could never enter our home without our permission. 

Nothing changed.  Well, what did change was her approach to crossing boundaries.  Now when she showed up unannounced, she said it was because she happened to be walking in the neighborhood and really had to use the bathroom. Another time it was because she really needed a piece of Tupperware.  Everything became twisted into an emergency. Now when she came into our home when we were gone, she lied about it when confronted. To top it all off, now she added on constant passive aggressive comments such as "WE don't have rules about people coming to our home like YOU do." 

This was hard.  We told her (multiple times) how it made us feel when she violated our physical boundaries, but it did not matter.  Now in addition to feeling anger, resentment, disrespect, and violation, we also felt hurt, like we didn't exist, and like our feelings did not matter to her. It was very, very sad.

It was also confusing. Where do we go from here? After expressing to someone that in order to have a relationship, they need to respect your physical boundaries, and they break those boundaries numerous times... .and with no remorse... .what now? It was also scary.  Here was someone who was willing to lie to get out of being in trouble.  What do we do with that?  I looked in my "toolkit" of life skills, but I I did not have a tool calibrated for this.

After some time, research, and reflection, I realized that she actually made things easier.  There was no ambiguity.  We gave her the information and the chances, and she clearly communicated that she was incapable of having a healthy relationship with us.  That made a big difference for me.  I can sleep well at night knowing that we tried very hard to make the relationship work. I am better at putting my own needs first because I know I'm a dealing with someone who will never consider my needs.

I'm not sure if that approach sounds useful to you, but I wanted to share just in case it did. If nothing else, know that you have someone out there who knows exactly how you feel. 

P.S. Yep, my husband and all his brothers have heard the "you're out of the will!" threat.  Classic.