Girlfriend with BPD broke up with me, Part 2

[Depression = 72% of members]

LOL I just did a last check-up on her before going NC - After contacting her she changed her WhatsApp profile picture to a selfie with a new haircut... .it's about midnight and she decides to change her picture RIGHT AFTER her ex shows up in her life (and after I changed my profile pic yesterday)... .XD she's such a kid, as if fishing for compliments? or going like "hey, look at me, you can't have this"... .obviously she's playing games   I know she's not over me yet.

Should I compliment her hair or just fall back and let her soak in the sun? I can text her like "" and she'll be like "?" and I'm like " nothing"

[Bassoutcast]

LOL I just did a last check-up on her before going NC - After contacting her she changed her WhatsApp profile picture to a selfie with a new haircut... .it's about midnight and she decides to change her picture RIGHT AFTER her ex shows up in her life (and after I changed my profile pic yesterday)... .XD she's such a kid, as if fishing for compliments? or going like "hey, look at me, you can't have this"... .obviously she's playing games   I know she's not over me yet.

Should I compliment her hair or just fall back and let her soak in the sun? I can text her like "" and she'll be like "?" and I'm like " nothing"

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[Riverrat]

Bass, Bass, Bass,

NC means No Contact! I know it seems strange, but this is as much for you as it is for her. I can read that you are hurting, but searching for new profile pics and IM's is not NC--because YOU are still in contact. It makes me want to just take you fishing for a week to a place with NO wifi or cell signal.

This does effect your thoughts and actions, when a see a deleted post or new hairstyle.

Yes she IS such a kid! If your working on your BPD reading, you realize that many pwBPD are teens in an adult body! My SO often seriously acts about 14, including a silly little laugh sometimes, and flirting with 18YO's on her video game site. The emotional maturity is sometimes just not there! (She's 36)

Let that line soak a long time. More like the catfishing we do on the river. You've baited her well, made a great cast, now let it soak. (Sorry for the fishing references).

I believe she has YOUR number. She will contact you directly when she wants to get your attention and a response. Personally, I wouldn't text her a thing. She didn't call you, she changed a profile picture. Don't read too much into it.

Nothing to " " or " " at there. She doesn't need your compliments right now.

She knows your hook is out there--she can smell the bait (Instagram). Now it requires her to think things through and probably change her mind 27 times about your r/s. MY SO can change her mind 3-4 times in a 20 minute truck ride, without me saying a single word! 

From my reading, they usually do swim back in your direction at some point, and yes, it could be days, weeks, or even months. I know days can seem like months. And contrary to some readings, my SO even mentions past relationships on occasion, so I know that at least at that moment she IS recalling them. Albeit not always favorably.

"hey, look at me, you can't have this"... .obviously she's playing games  I know she's not over me yet.

I would hesitate to say she's playing games. Remember you are either black or white in her eyes, so at this point you are probably painted black--not in a favorable position. Also remember that a lot of what pwBPD say and do has nothing to do with the reality that you see. So... .changing a profile or adding deleting friends could be from a whole different reason that you neither know or understand.

Concentrate on the right column lessons while you have a break from her. I did, and I learned A LOT! So that now that she is back, I can work on changes and making us stronger as a couple.

It took a lot for me to understand that to stay with her, I need to come 'round to her way of thinking, and understand how she feels and perceives things. I was raised that "The perfect girl will one day come by and love me just as I am" (Well, once I learn to leave toilet seat in correct position). Now I realize that I need to set boundaries, defuse rages, watch for triggers, never, ever, raise my voice, and STOP and THINK before just blurting out an answer.

Keep us posted! Give her the undisturbed space to work this out in her mind.

You may well be surprised by the results. I know I was.

Rat

[Bassoutcast]

Bass, Bass, Bass,

NC means No Contact! I know it seems strange, but this is as much for you as it is for her. I can read that you are hurting, but searching for new profile pics and IM's is not NC--because YOU are still in contact. It makes me want to just take you fishing for a week to a place with NO wifi or cell signal.

This does effect your thoughts and actions, when a see a deleted post or new hairstyle.

Yes she IS such a kid! If your working on your BPD reading, you realize that many pwBPD are teens in an adult body! My SO often seriously acts about 14, including a silly little laugh sometimes, and flirting with 18YO's on her video game site. The emotional maturity is sometimes just not there! (She's 36)

Let that line soak a long time. More like the catfishing we do on the river. You've baited her well, made a great cast, now let it soak. (Sorry for the fishing references).

I believe she has YOUR number. She will contact you directly when she wants to get your attention and a response. Personally, I wouldn't text her a thing. She didn't call you, she changed a profile picture. Don't read too much into it.

Nothing to " " or " " at there. She doesn't need your compliments right now.

She knows your hook is out there--she can smell the bait (Instagram). Now it requires her to think things through and probably change her mind 27 times about your r/s. MY SO can change her mind 3-4 times in a 20 minute truck ride, without me saying a single word! 

From my reading, they usually do swim back in your direction at some point, and yes, it could be days, weeks, or even months. I know days can seem like months. And contrary to some readings, my SO even mentions past relationships on occasion, so I know that at least at that moment she IS recalling them. Albeit not always favorably.

"hey, look at me, you can't have this"... .obviously she's playing games  I know she's not over me yet.

I would hesitate to say she's playing games. Remember you are either black or white in her eyes, so at this point you are probably painted black--not in a favorable position. Also remember that a lot of what pwBPD say and do has nothing to do with the reality that you see. So... .changing a profile or adding deleting friends could be from a whole different reason that you neither know or understand.

Concentrate on the right column lessons while you have a break from her. I did, and I learned A LOT! So that now that she is back, I can work on changes and making us stronger as a couple.

It took a lot for me to understand that to stay with her, I need to come 'round to her way of thinking, and understand how she feels and perceives things. I was raised that "The perfect girl will one day come by and love me just as I am" (Well, once I learn to leave toilet seat in correct position). Now I realize that I need to set boundaries, defuse rages, watch for triggers, never, ever, raise my voice, and STOP and THINK before just blurting out an answer.

Keep us posted! Give her the undisturbed space to work this out in her mind.

You may well be surprised by the results. I know I was.

Rat

I did say it was my last check-up before going to NC, and it just made me laugh 

I'm WAY over-analyzing that one picture, I read that women cut their hair short after a breakup "because they feel like they need a fresh start, a new beginning, they are hurt and cutting their hair is a way of changing aspects of their life" and other things like that, I also know a bit about what a woman's hair says about her, and my ex NEVER covered her eye with her hair, this usually means a girl is insecure,perhaps even shy. She knows I liked her hair long and straight, now it's short and in it's natural form - curly. I can see the outline of a black shirt (it ends with her neck), the only black shirts she has are ones I gave her, she also didn't look into the camera, she looked to the side, she doesn't want to look into my eyes... .*breathes* ... .Then again, she did tell me a few weeks before the breakup she was going to cut her hair short to even-it-out and to make it grow healthier... .

Ugh... .There's nothing in the world I'd like more than to be locked away in a cabin way up in the mountains for the next few months. NC is an ABSOLUTE MUST for me, my mind needs a rest... .

Just one question - if I do see her at the concert we're both going to, and she hasn't made contact by then, should I talk to her or anything? it'd be weird seeing her and not saying a word... .and when my country's version of "valentine's day" comes up, should I leave her flowers at her doorstep? what about her birthday?

[Bassoutcast]

Also thought I'd share - first day of NC, feeling better already, started writing a journal I'll be updating daily about my overall feelings and feeling towards my BPDex specifically... .also doing a NC count (that'll "reset" if I ever do something like check her profile) and "days until concert" count. Keeping up the heavy BPD research, and decided to start seeing a psychologist starting next week in order to treat my own problems (anger issues, depression, fear of abandonment and much more).

"Change begins with me" I guess.

[Riverrat]

I think I would quickly acknowledge her should you happen to be face to face at concert. Just a quick " Hi-How's it going" would work for me. My guess is she may not even show if you are still painted black. You have some time on that yet.

As for holidays, just ignore them. You guys are broken up, like it or not, so no need to buy gifts, or send along wishes. Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear.

We just recently celebrated Christmas with my SO. She wasn't around at the end of December. BTW, I don't recommend big holiday celebrations--It can really be a trigger back to childhood or adolescents.

Great Ideas with the journal, and working on you! You will be so much more prepared to deal with whatever comes your way.  You will be a better person from your efforts!

Rat 

[Bassoutcast]

I think I would quickly acknowledge her should you happen to be face to face at concert. Just a quick " Hi-How's it going" would work for me. My guess is she may not even show if you are still painted black. You have some time on that yet.

As for holidays, just ignore them. You guys are broken up, like it or not, so no need to buy gifts, or send along wishes. Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear.

We just recently celebrated Christmas with my SO. She wasn't around at the end of December. BTW, I don't recommend big holiday celebrations--It can really be a trigger back to childhood or adolescents.

Great Ideas with the journal, and working on you! You will be so much more prepared to deal with whatever comes your way.  You will be a better person from your efforts!

Rat  

If I'll see her at the concert, she'll probably be there alone and it's a big crowd, the least I could do is ask her if she wants to hang out with me... .it IS her favorite band, she'll show up. If she does, we'll have a good night and maybe the sheer joy of seeing her favorite band will paint me, at least for the time being, white again. We'll see how it goes. The holiday is a few weeks after the concert so seeing her and how she reacts to me will help me understand more-or-less where I'm at.

If all fails, her birthday is a few months later, I'll just leave her favorite flowers by her door with a card that has an inside joke (a quote from "FRIENDS". I don't know what will it trigger, but that'll be my last attempt.

Also, I've been reading a lot of "get your ex back" articles, about how after a certain time of NC you should start texting your ex, etc. Does it even work on pwBPD?

And I should mention that my ex is pretty strong with her opinion, she painted a girl black once and a year later she was still painted black (I could tell by how she talked about her), but that girl never made the effort I'm willing to do in order to reach out to her, they just parted their ways (of course, that girl was her friend once, but then "she started cursing her and hurting her and her sister's emotions" blah blah blah, always the victim, ALWAYS the victim).

She does fear intimacy, I can tell... .she's been seeing her family a lot less in the last few weeks of our relationship, probably made her see them in a different light because she wasn't around as much... .her "closest friend" is a girl she went to highschool with who she sees once a week on the bus... .she has no friends actually, just acquaintances, no one to "hang out with" or that'll come to her aid if needed... .I was her first boyfriend, first guy-friend and now that I think about it, perhaps even first real, genuine "friend".

[Riverrat]

Glad to see you are moving forward with your life!

When is the concert? I think you said you had a few weeks to that date?

IMO, that could be a reason for her to reconsider getting in touch with you.

If it's her fav band and she doesn't want to go alone.

But... .you may want to remain NC until SHE initiates contact.

Remember, when I tried contact with my SO it just made her more mad, and it pushed me away further. It has to be HER idea, at a time that SHE chooses.

Yes, I truly understand the "friends" concept as well. With her seemingly "charming" personality toward strangers, you'd think she'd have tons of friends, but no---SO has said I'm her only true friend.

After a particularly bad rage, she called a "good friend" and asked if she could stay the night, and was immediately turned down. I think once people see their BPD side, they turn and run. It takes a ton of patience and understanding.

Not to bring you down, but the intimacy issue can be tough as well. Once I fell off the idealization pedestal, there is nothing in that department. Even holding hands or touching her shoulder causes her to jump and pull away. And I'll be reprimanded for it. It is like she fell back to being a 14yo again--scared and unsure how to react. Afraid of her own feelings.

Just be prepared that if you get another chance, in my case our r/s was now very different--almost like dating a different girl.

How she was able to be so romantic, sexual, and constantly wanting physical contact during the Honeymoon phase baffles me.  It must have been hard to her to keep up that charade even for a few months.

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Hang in there, Bass, you are doing the right things with granting space, and doing all you can working on YOU, along with the lessons, etc. Working with a T is an awesome step as well--Many of us "nons" are doing the same.

Rat

[Bassoutcast]

Glad to see you are moving forward with your life!

When is the concert? I think you said you had a few weeks to that date?

IMO, that could be a reason for her to reconsider getting in touch with you.

If it's her fav band and she doesn't want to go alone.

But... .you may want to remain NC until SHE initiates contact.

Remember, when I tried contact with my SO it just made her more mad, and it pushed me away further. It has to be HER idea, at a time that SHE chooses.

Yes, I truly understand the "friends" concept as well. With her seemingly "charming" personality toward strangers, you'd think she'd have tons of friends, but no---SO has said I'm her only true friend.

After a particularly bad rage, she called a "good friend" and asked if she could stay the night, and was immediately turned down. I think once people see their BPD side, they turn and run. It takes a ton of patience and understanding.

Not to bring you down, but the intimacy issue can be tough as well. Once I fell off the idealization pedestal, there is nothing in that department. Even holding hands or touching her shoulder causes her to jump and pull away. And I'll be reprimanded for it. It is like she fell back to being a 14yo again--scared and unsure how to react. Afraid of her own feelings.

Just be prepared that if you get another chance, in my case our r/s was now very different--almost like dating a different girl.

How she was able to be so romantic, sexual, and constantly wanting physical contact during the Honeymoon phase baffles me.  It must have been hard to her to keep up that charade even for a few months.

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Hang in there, Bass, you are doing the right things with granting space, and doing all you can working on YOU, along with the lessons, etc. Working with a T is an awesome step as well--Many of us "nons" are doing the same.

Rat

The concert is 2 months away, and when we were breaking up I told her about it and told her I'd be going there (even posted the ticket on Instagram a week ago, mostly to let her know), seeing as she has no friends she'll go alone, perfect timing.

But if she doesn't contact me and I see her there? guess I'll just play it casual and be friendly.

Everyone (online and IRL) keeps telling me to let her initiate contact... .I'm not giving up on this relationship, I told her multiple times "whatever comes, no matter how hard, we'll deal with it together", and I mean it. The FOG has almost vanished, now there's only love, patience and hope. Love can overcome anything.

Just one thing about the "intimacy issue" - would it be pushing it (in a scenario we decide to hang out together at the concert) to reach out and hold her hand during her favorite song? (it's romantic song).

She knows I love her, and I know that deep down, she has feelings for me too.

[Bassoutcast]

I've been diving into details and analyzing pretty much EVERYTHING in our relationship... .during the last week she didn't seem to care as much about me (I was bedridden for 2 days and I actually had to comfort HER for not being able to take care of me), she was shutting her phone off often, something she never did beforehand, and even wrote song lyrics (something she NEVER did before) about starting anew although it hurts her and letting go of the past, even though "she's familiar with the pain" (I asked her what those were about and she said it's about depression, asked if she was depressed she said she wasn't, it was about her school years and such... I even offered to compose it... .but I'm a musician, I know that if you write lyrics, especially personal ones, ESPECIALLY at 1 AM, something's on your mind)... .wrote that 2 days before she went NC with me (a week before the breakup)... .She was over-emotional, when I visited her (2 days before she wrote the song) she basically threw herself around my waist and hugged me like she never did before (like saying "thank god you're here, I love you don't ever leave me" and one day before NC I visited her at work with flowers (it was March 8th, International Women's day) and she lit up like never before and almost cried, she was so happy... .then not a day later she tells me she "can't deal with me right now" and goes NC after I had basically a nervous brakedown and lost my mind... .It's very hard for me to control my emotions, and I take that to extremes sometime... .I was driven to that point because she was always promising me things like "oh, tomorrow I PROMISE we'll meet up, 100%, if I'll get a double shift I'll cancel, don't worry" but she never even put up the effort to ask... .I was no longer a priority to her... .Yet when we were talking on the bus after the breakup she said she wanted to quit that job because it was too stressful... .she NEVER goes through with anything... .

I remember after we had a fight and I surprised her at her house and we had one of our best dates, she actually cried when I left, she hugged me and started weeping, and it honestly drove me to tears as well... .Then she goes and says we're "not compatible"? that I'll "find someone else soon, even though she knows I want her and only her"... .BS, F'n BS... .told me she "remembered the good times but she doesn't want to get hurt anymore"... .I.LOVE.HER. and I'll NEVER give up.

I just want to text her "I love you", without anything else... .just "I love you"... .she's pushing me away because it hurts her so bad... .she thinks by saying things like "you'll find someone else soon" I'll move on... .BS... .I want to let her know... .will it just push her away even further? make her feel guilty about breaking my heart?

[Riverrat]

Sounds like the BPD push-pull syndrome to me. Get's too close and pushes you away, then tries to keep you on the hook.

Remember, telling her "I love you" when she can't reciprocate those feelings toward you may cause her to run away even more, out of fear of you smothering her, or not being on the same page as you.

If it were me, I'd stay NC for a while and see what happens.

But then again--check out my thread above and see where I stand today. Probably in no position to be giving any thoughts on this board.

I do know what you are going through, and feel the pain of not being able to express your feelings toward her. Hang in there and know that we are here for you, and that we understand. This is helping me tremendously on my thread right now.

[Bassoutcast]

Sounds like the BPD push-pull syndrome to me. Get's too close and pushes you away, then tries to keep you on the hook.

Remember, telling her "I love you" when she can't reciprocate those feelings toward you may cause her to run away even more, out of fear of you smothering her, or not being on the same page as you.

If it were me, I'd stay NC for a while and see what happens.

But then again--check out my thread above and see where I stand today. Probably in no position to be giving any thoughts on this board.

I do know what you are going through, and feel the pain of not being able to express your feelings toward her. Hang in there and know that we are here for you, and that we understand. This is helping me tremendously on my thread right now.

Thank you very much. I'm very appreciative of what you and the others on this board are doing in order to help me in this difficult time. I'll be updating more on my progress here every chance I can 

It does sound like push-pull behavior to me, I should mention that on the date she bear-hugged me I gave her a key to my place, saying "with all that we've been through lately I think we're there... I want you to know you're always welcome, and you always have a place to go"... I read somewhere that "BPD's often destroy a relationship that is clearly going to last"... .well, the more you know... .

Feeling better about myself, got back to working out (been neglecting that pretty much since we've started dating), feels GREAT. I found god again after years of disbelief. I'm becoming an overall better,stronger version of myself, both for me and for her, and gaining the emotional strength to be able to deal with whatever comes in my way, including her.

I've read into your post, just want to say I'm there for you too  , and I wish you the best with your SO. "Even in the darkness, you can create light"

[Riverrat]

Hey! great that you are concentrating on working on you! keep that up and you will be ready for anything.

Also appreciate your support in my sitch. I did kinda see this train coming, and it was only a matter of time before it wrecked. Not my finest hour, decision wise, but at least I was watching out for myself for once.  hopefully all will work out ok, one way or another.

Keep us updated, and if you're not sure ask one of the wise old owls  that have been on this board for awhile. There's a whole flock of them on my post right now... .wonderfully helping guide me down this road.

[Bassoutcast]

I think my post is too long for someone to keep up with it... . 

The NC is a double-edged sword, I know it's for the best but it's SO tempting to just add her number back and check up on her WhatsApp activity... .pictures, statuses... .anything... .I keep praying for strength... .

Strangely enough, when we were dating I had a few dreams of her breaking up with me, usually followed by another man entering her life. Today I dreamed about texting her using common nicknames, then we ran into each other and she was cold and distant, dressed the same way as she did on our first date, but with lots of make-up, saying "I though you'll be jealous". I told her "No, why would I be jealous? are you going on a date?", she nodded, I asked "how long has this been going?" her :"three weeks" me :"but we broke up 2 weeks ago... ."... .and then it stopped.

Sorry for ranting on about my dreams, I just need an outlet to my emotions and I find this board a safe haven for my thoughts... .