The hardest part of Radical Acceptance, for me

[Depression = 72% of members]

In my reading up on Radical Acceptance (RA), I've felt very good about the whole process and have really tried to implement it into my life. According to what I've read there are three stages of RA:

Accepting reality for what it really is.

Accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause.

Accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.

To accept reality for what it is, I've been questioning things I believe based on whether they are facts, opinions or judgements.  I throw out the judgements (never helpful), keep the opinions as self-defining (and adjustable), and accept the facts for what they are.  I'm good with this and getting more comfortable with the process every day.

Accepting that there is a cause for my pain, is more difficult to implement.  I understand that there is a cause - my H has BPD and no capacity to change.  But the part that is hard for me to get over is that I married him.  

I choose this man, without fulling knowing the extent of his PD, without fully knowing who he was, without boundaries or stipulations that may have steered our r/s into healthier territory.  The more I accept that he is who he is, the more shame and guilt I feel for letting the r/s get to the place where I'm considering a temporary separation.  And the more difficult it is to accept that I committed myself to this man for the rest of my life.

Here's a bit of my thought process:  I am a good, emotionally mature person.  I have chosen to be with a man who is emotionally unhealthy and immature.  The level of functioning that a couple can reach is limited by the abilities of each individual in the couple.  How do I reach a fully functioning life while being brought down, or forced to run in cycles daily by my 'other half'?

I'm taking this apt this summer so that I can work towards obtaining a better functioning life for myself.  So, let's say I reach that goal, and by Sept I'm more stead, more secure in my craft, smarter in communicating and better defined/more secure in my own skin.  Then what?  When I come back home, is it all going to go down the drain?  Will we be faced with the same issues, only now we have the proof that we do better apart than we do together?  Then what? Where would that leave the r/s?

And what happens if I don't reach that goal?  What if the summer breezes by, still fraught with dramas and a lack of clarity?  I know it's in my power to make hay while the sun shines, so to speak, but what if I simply don't have it in me?  Then what?  Coming back to the r/s after a failed attempt would just put me in the dog house in H's eyes for the rest of my life.  I don't know how I could possibly live with these consequences.

There's just so much at stake here.  And I'm scared I don't have what it takes to make things better.

 

[Crumbling]

In my reading up on Radical Acceptance (RA), I've felt very good about the whole process and have really tried to implement it into my life. According to what I've read there are three stages of RA:

Accepting reality for what it really is.

Accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause.

Accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.

To accept reality for what it is, I've been questioning things I believe based on whether they are facts, opinions or judgements.  I throw out the judgements (never helpful), keep the opinions as self-defining (and adjustable), and accept the facts for what they are.  I'm good with this and getting more comfortable with the process every day.

Accepting that there is a cause for my pain, is more difficult to implement.  I understand that there is a cause - my H has BPD and no capacity to change.  But the part that is hard for me to get over is that I married him.  

I choose this man, without fulling knowing the extent of his PD, without fully knowing who he was, without boundaries or stipulations that may have steered our r/s into healthier territory.  The more I accept that he is who he is, the more shame and guilt I feel for letting the r/s get to the place where I'm considering a temporary separation.  And the more difficult it is to accept that I committed myself to this man for the rest of my life.

Here's a bit of my thought process:  I am a good, emotionally mature person.  I have chosen to be with a man who is emotionally unhealthy and immature.  The level of functioning that a couple can reach is limited by the abilities of each individual in the couple.  How do I reach a fully functioning life while being brought down, or forced to run in cycles daily by my 'other half'?

I'm taking this apt this summer so that I can work towards obtaining a better functioning life for myself.  So, let's say I reach that goal, and by Sept I'm more stead, more secure in my craft, smarter in communicating and better defined/more secure in my own skin.  Then what?  When I come back home, is it all going to go down the drain?  Will we be faced with the same issues, only now we have the proof that we do better apart than we do together?  Then what? Where would that leave the r/s?

And what happens if I don't reach that goal?  What if the summer breezes by, still fraught with dramas and a lack of clarity?  I know it's in my power to make hay while the sun shines, so to speak, but what if I simply don't have it in me?  Then what?  Coming back to the r/s after a failed attempt would just put me in the dog house in H's eyes for the rest of my life.  I don't know how I could possibly live with these consequences.

There's just so much at stake here.  And I'm scared I don't have what it takes to make things better.

 

[Grey Kitty]

I choose this man, without fulling knowing the extent of his PD, without fully knowing who he was, without boundaries or stipulations that may have steered our r/s into healthier territory.  The more I accept that he is who he is, the more shame and guilt I feel for letting the r/s get to the place where I'm considering a temporary separation.  And the more difficult it is to accept that I committed myself to this man for the rest of my life.

Here's a bit of my thought process:  I am a good, emotionally mature person.  I have chosen to be with a man who is emotionally unhealthy and immature.  The level of functioning that a couple can reach is limited by the abilities of each individual in the couple.  How do I reach a fully functioning life while being brought down, or forced to run in cycles daily by my 'other half'?

Yes, you chose this person. No, you didn't know about BPD and such things at the time. My guess is that you chose him in a way that was more careful and accurate and appropriate than you realized at the time.

My first reason for making this guess is that people tend to connect with people who are at a very similar overall level of emotional maturity. The person you pick SEEMS different, and it is one of style or direction, more than one of magnitude. We also tend to choose people who will confront us with the big issues we still need to deal with. So when you and your husband first met, you both were "looking" for somebody like this. Likely not aware of it at the time, but that doesn't mean it wasn't happening.

So let me ask you--do you see things you've learned, ways that you have grown since you met your husband?

You are free to keep growing and learning--and I sincerely hope you do. It will (eventually) put some pressure on your husband to move along, but there are no guarantees on that. (Perhaps he hasn't grown much since you met?)

When I was in MC, we got an audiobook for homework. In part of it, the guy mentioned several things that a r/s needed to be successful, and suggested you rank yourself (1-10) on it, and then rank your partner on it. And his point was that for any item where you are a 10, and your partner is a 2, your r/s is a 2. He also pointed out that relationships are the riskiest thing we can do, because it can only succeed through the combined efforts of both parties--no matter how good you are, you cannot make it succeed alone!

So in answer to your question... .you can have a fully functioning life on your own... .but you need your husband to have a fully functioning relationship. Don't let the relationship part get in the way of the rest of your life, but do keep working on it!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey crumbling, Don't beat yourself up!  You sound like a great person.  Like you, I married a pwBPD, yet it took me nine years of marriage to learn about BPD.  I had never heard of it before a T loaned me the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Certainly it was never mentioned in my Intro to Psych class in college!     Seriously, a lot of us jumped off the diving board into marriage with a pwBPD with no idea what we were getting into.  So give yourself a break!  RA is but one of many paths through the BPD jungle.  The key, in my view, is to figure out what works for you.  It sounds easy, but is hard.  What do you want to see happen?  Only you know deep down what the right path is for you.  If you are like me, you have probably ignored your gut feelings for a long time.  Now is the time to start listening to your gut again.

LuckyJim

[flowerpath]

Hi, Crumbling. 

Radical truth:  It is difficult to accept that you married this person with BPD and that the rest of your life will be impacted by it in some way.  Right there with you.    The thing is though, YOU didn't let the relationship get to where it is all by yourself.  And how many of us here had no idea what we were dealing with nor how to respond to it? 

I think it is absolutely wonderful that you have an opportunity to have some time to yourself this summer.  Some time away from conflict.  Some time to have your own personal space.  Some time to be quiet.  A little bit of peace.   

Maybe that’s all it needs to be.

Plain and simple:  Life is way more peaceful when I have a few days away from my h.  I love it.  I soak up every minute of it.  I get a break, a little healing of the heart, soul, and mind.

And when I get back home, that ol’ BPD is still in the room. 

Each day has trouble enough of its own, so don’t look at the summer as a period of time over which you will possibly fail.  Look at it as an opportunity to give yourself a lot of TLC, and if you become stronger as a result, then that’s good.

No matter what, when you get back home, that ol’ BPD will still be in the room. 

BPD is not a full life, and even if my life isn’t the kind of life I thought I would have, I still think that a full life is achievable in spite of it.   I think that if I want a full life, most of my focus has to be on better things than BPD.  Better things that can balance out the BPD, and maybe even tip the scale. 

Not to simplify, because BPD is way too complex to do that, but one way to look at it is this.  Everybody has problems.  Even if you were married to someone who is emotionally healthy, there would still be problems of some kind.  I would not want to trade lives and have some of the problems some of my friends have, and their husbands don’t even have BPD.   

Even if you were married to someone who is emotionally healthy, there would still be other things in life worth giving your attention.  So instead of putting a whole bunch of eggs in the BPD basket, put a whole bunch of eggs in those baskets of things that do bring you joy and help you have a sense of purpose.  Your craft?  Eggs in that basket.  Emotionally healthy friends?  Eggs in that basket.  Art, music, books? Eggs in that basket.  Gardening?  Eggs in that basket.  Church?  Eggs in that basket.  Volunteering, helping, or giving in some way?  Eggs in that basket.  Walking, running, etc?  Eggs in that basket.  Learning a foreign language?  Eggs in that basket. 

Those things that you love that are far outside BPD, think on those things.  Shift some of the time you spend on BPD over to those things.  Let those things help tip the scale toward a fuller life.   

fp

[Michelle27]

This is absolutely what I am struggling with too.  I have accepted for years that my uBPDh has an illness... .what I struggle with is when we got together how I thought he was my soul mate, perfect for me, and that he DID manage to get through about 7 years like that.  Since then, (9 years ago after what he calls a "crash" I have had so much compassion and empathy for that pain but in the past year, I've had more anger than anytime in my life.  I took myself to counseling 4.5 months ago to work through it, thinking it was anger and resentments over him that I struggled with and it turns out that most of my anger is at myself... .for not seeing the few red flags that came up in the first 7 years and worse, for allowing my boundaries to crumble and tolerate things I know now that I never should have.  I know I am damaged from this and working very hard at healing the damage and coming out stronger than I ever have.  But sometimes, accepting that is very hard.

[Crumbling]

The other day at group, during our break, I finally stated out loud that I am considering a break from my H.  Up until then, I'd only spoken about it on here.  She was just another lady in the group, in fact, I don't even know her name.  But right after I did this, a wave of confidence in knowing this is the right step for me flooded through me. 

So the next morning, I discussed it with a close friend, on the phone.  Her reaction, in a nutshell - "Good! It's about time.  I've seen this as something that would be good for you for over a year now. I understand, and I'm proud of you for taking this step."  Big sigh of relief!  Okay, so with the great encouragement I'm getting on this site (THANKS EVERYONE), and my support team's support, I'm much more confident in believing that this is the right thing for me. 

One day, my H, off the cuff, stated that maybe he should give up his job and come and work at the motel this summer...   I almost fell off my chair.  I said nothing, but instantly went into desperate prayer mode "Oh God nononononono!" then changed the subject.  He hasn't mentioned it since.

[Grey Kitty]

One day, my H, off the cuff, stated that maybe he should give up his job and come and work at the motel this summer...   I almost fell off my chair.  I said nothing, but instantly went into desperate prayer mode "Oh God nononononono!" then changed the subject.  He hasn't mentioned it since.

Do you really think he would do this? Does he have the kind of job where he'll be messing up his career and taking a major step down to do that?

I'm hoping for you!

[flowerpath]

Glad things are looking up for your summer away! 

Sometimes my h makes off the cuff statements about some kind of major thing he wants to do too, something that would require some kind of upheaval, some kind of financial strain, or make things really difficult for me.

In my mind, I say, "Oh, no!" too. I let him know I heard him, but I never bring the subject up.    It seems that just saying it out loud is enough for him.  I can't think of a single time he's followed through.  Whew!

Maybe just saying it out loud is enough for your h too!

[Crumbling]

My boss and I discussed my schedule for the summer, and my interest in the apt.  She is on board, and supportive.   My schedule really supports the notion that staying at the motel would be best, as I would need to drive home in the dark every night.  With no street lights and very little traffic up our road, night driving can be a bit of a challenge, especially on foggy nights. 

My neighbour who travelled the same route for thirty years has wrecked three vehicles because of collisions with wildlife - from driving home in the dark after her shifts.  I was so glad she shared that with H and I!  She was supporting me without even knowing the details of what I've been thinking!

My H doesn't really have a career, per say.  He has mostly done labour jobs, but has good experience in manufacturing and if he was to pursue something better than what he has, it would not be maintenance at a motel. This would most definitely be a step backwards, and a big one.

With the details of my work being the new gossip, he has begun to apply to other positions that would be more suitable (and still in the opposite direction of the motel, thankfully!) for him.   He is having a difficult time enduring the physical aspects of what he now does.  If I was in charge of him, I would make him go back to school.  He's brilliant and wont do a damn thing with it.  But alas, it isn't my call.

He said something the other night about only tolerating life.  That each day is just a battle to get through.  I told him it sounds like a miserable existence, and we continued to talk.  When he was finished, I pointed out that this attitude of his effects me.  I gave him GK's example and said, if I stay positive and upbeat 80% of the time we are together, but he is only positive 5% of the time, that means, I too live in the misery for that 95%.  He agreed that made sense to him.

This is one example of the little conversations we are having that I'm hoping will prepare him to accept my decision.  He had an appointment with his councillor this week that he cancelled.  Said he had nothing to talk about.      T talked him into rescheduling for next week.  I'm sure he will have lots to talk about by then.