Her controlling behaviour, communication issues

[daz_bpd]

I was speaking to her over the phone (we are in different countries right now). i let her know that my salsa class is happening soon and that we can continue talking tomorrow at a time most convenient for her (due to timezone differences it was 2am there already, yet she won't go to bed even though she has work the next day). I had made time to talk with her the WHOLE day, yet she wants to speak to me when its already very late there.

When i say i am leaving and try to end the conversation, she gets very hostile and says "I didnt tell you, you could leave" "I didn't say you could go to salsa" "who said you could go?" when I end the call, she calls me right back and starts ranting.

I only have so much time to get there before the class starts, how do I proceed?

I simply put the phone down and left. I regularly engage in new activities and enjoy learning new things. There is NO reason for her to be concerned. I don't drink nor take drugs, I come home straight after.

She continues "you are not the man for me" "you never listen to me" "you only listen to me when it is convenient for you"

And more "I dont know why I hate everything you do" "seriously this is unbearable for me" "i cant believe this"

"... .WHO TOLD YOU YOU CAN GO TO A STUPID SALSA CLASS?"

"WHY DO YOU MAKE DECISIONS ON YOUR OWN?WHY THE ___? WHY?"

How do I even begin to validate any of this? I only have a few minutes before I must leave

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

daz_BPD, 

I understand how unbearable it can be to cope with controlling behavior.    I am sorry that you are going through this.

I understand how frustrating it can be to validate illogical comments. The way to validate your pwBPD is gain a big picture perspective; why is my pwBPD behaving this way?

It is most likely that your pwBPD's abandonment fears are being triggered at night.  It is common for people with abandonment fears to have issues at night, since it can be associated with loneliness. PwBPD tend to have intense fears of abandonment. There is a tendency for a pwBPD to react to realistic time-limited separation with anger, sarcasm, verbal outbursts, or bitterness. For a pwBPD, "abandonment"  or rejection, whether it is real or perceived, implies that they are "bad." PwBPD have an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them.

Looking at this situation from a different perspective can help you validate your pwBPD.

Marsha Linehan, Ph.D.,Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington, has identified six helpful tips for validating:

Be Present and Open

Accurate Reflection

Reading Between the Lines / Mindreading

Understanding the Person's Behavior in Terms of their History and Biology

Normalizing or recognizing emotional reactions that anyone would have

Radical Genuineness


Communication techniques can really help validating the valid. I have used them quite often when my bf's abandonment fears get triggered.  Take a look at this article

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

How long have you been separated from your pwBPD?

[daz_bpd]

Its been a year. I have continued to support her throughout. She wants me to sell my house and go back to her. She feels deeply-betrayed. I made a promise to go back to her on condition that she makes an effort to improve her behaviour and stick to the budget we agreed on. But she continues to lie to me about where the money goes.

I had sent her money for food and expenses on sunday, monday sent her for tuition and law school. By tuesday its all gone, and she needs more money for expenses and says "this will last for at least a week" the next day its gone again, and now she is begging for more so that she can go to work. There is a always a story about expenses needing to be paid BUT those expenses never seem to be mentioned in whatever budget is agreed on.

She likely is deeply hurt and stressed out because I am not there. But to be with her, likely will jeopardise my entire career, finances, investments, and future.

She seems to simply not care about where the money comes from and gets deeply offended when i don't immediately drop everything to help her

Setting any boundaries just seems to push her away further and I get blocked from all communication mediums.

[waverider]

To be honest this is abusive attempts to control you.

Abuse needs boundaries.  A simple "I have a right to make my own choices, and really dont want to continue this conversation if you persist in telling me what I can or can't do, when it has no effect on you". Hang up if she continues. Do this each and every time, and never get drawn into justifying yourself. Of course she will blow up, but eventually she will give up.

If she doesn't then she will just have to put up with not being able to communicate with you. You can't continue to communicate in this fashion it will wear you down eventually.

You will never appease her, you will end up hiding things and she will keep moving the expectations. You being found hiding things out of fear of being hassled, will make you look, and feel, guilty and untrustworthy which will validate why you need to be controlled in her mind.

Boundaries are to protect you, and if she withdraws as a consequence so be it. It is like playing a game of chicken at times.

Boundaries about financial arrangements can't be negotiations, even if they want to they simply dont have the necessary regulation skills and impulse will always win out. If they can't control something it will be denied.