did anyone ever have a recycle that went "well" for an extended period?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The recycles I had never went well for long at all.  I think part of that was down to my paranoia.

I can remember the exact moment from which things were never the same afterwards and it was a couple of weeks before our first break up.

I called her out on a few things and she devalued me. From then on things were never the same.  I just wondered if anyone ever had a recycle that went well for a while.

[Infern0]

The recycles I had never went well for long at all.  I think part of that was down to my paranoia.

I can remember the exact moment from which things were never the same afterwards and it was a couple of weeks before our first break up.

I called her out on a few things and she devalued me. From then on things were never the same.  I just wondered if anyone ever had a recycle that went well for a while.

[Broken heart forever]

Yes, I had a recycle for 17 months. However, that is only due to the fact that I am such an enabler. I swept everything under the carpet, and looked the other way. Silly me! It wasn't until we were headed on a flight to Florida and I caught him looking at another woman 4x's. And I'm not talking about just glancing( because we all look once in a while) this was the slow up/down, up/down! Well... .I just kindly asked if he would please stop looking at her. Immediately he shut down, the trip was a fiasco. I apologized to him for saying anything about it. He left me when we returned from the trip... .And you know the rest of the story! They cannot be accountable for anything!

[Invictus01]

From everything I read, after the initial idolization played out, it is pretty much over. It never gets back to the same type of high or lasts too long.

[FannyB]

Mine went well for about 3 months - with just a few hints that things were going to blow up again. She certainly behaved better second time around. Almost reconsidered my BPD assessment at the 2 month stage, but then a couple of sarcastic texts put me en guard. I really felt that she was trying to make it work but couldn't curb her natural tendency to cut and run.  

[Loosestrife]

3 months max

[ShadowIntheNight]

My ex and I were together 9.5 years. The first "major" break that lasted for an extended period of time was 4.5 yrs ago. We were broken up for 4 months, even though we had contact, we didn't see one another. After we got back together, we stayed together from 3/2011 til 8/2014, so almost 3.5 years. Then she decided she was going to be with men again. I would tell you why if I knew... .

Btw, during that time she was loving. It wasn't until she was put in her place by a judge after a protracted child custody battle with her exH that she changed and for the first time that I ever recognized, she started devaluing me. She did it 4.5 years ago, but not to the level as the last one. Im very sure she was triggered by her mother.

[Blimblam]

What ever issues you have inferno you have to find a way to work through them and your ex will only serve to make you aware of whatever that is.  If you somehow work through all that crap then it's possible to have something long term with her where you don't get hurt but She will probably fly back and forth between you and replacements and you serve as a sort of constant.  If you can't accept that and not be hurt then... .It is what it is. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I think it depends on how it ended before the recycle.  I left my ex because she would disappear for days at a time with no communication and no explanation when she got back (yes, she was doing what you think she was), and I didn't realize it until long after I left her for good that I had abandoned her, in her head, the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, and when we got back together it was never the same, her trust had eroded, and I never trusted her, so there you go.  Ever done cocaine?  The first rush would be the best, and then you'd spend the rest of the night trying to get back there, and it would never happen.  My relationship was just like that, and the correlation in my head between a drug buzz and a borderline buzz is not lost on me.

Blim mentioned something I've thought about: my ex would have made a pretty good booty call or a FWB, it would have been fun for a while and then she would just leave, and that might have worked.  Problem is I wanted much, much more, and thought I had it, until the weather changed.  Booty calls are never sustainable and I probably couldn't have stayed emotionally detached enough to enjoy it for what it was, but it's an interesting thought.

[Infern0]

FWB actually doesn't work for them either.

I had that kind of arrangement for a little while,  but they  NEED you to love them so they will do or say what they need to to make you.

Then the games begin all over again

[fromheeltoheal]

FWB actually doesn't work for them either.

I had that kind of arrangement for a little while,  but they  NEED you to love them so they will do or say what they need to to make you.

Then the games begin all over again

I agree Inferno, there's no going back, I was just thinking about what if I had gone into it with those expectations to begin with; I think it would have been easier to leave when it got weird and I wouldn't have gotten as hurt, if at all.  That's something I've really been working on lately: some women are relationship material and some are just good for a hook-up and no more, and the key for me is keeping my eyes and ears open and staying constantly connected to my gut feel, and hopefully red flags become deal breakers instead of things to ignore and deny.  I wasn't in this place when I met her, so I'm considering it progress.

[hurting300]

I broke up with mine first after dating for three months. Stayed apart for a few months she started talking to the ex she always bragged about, after he died and I realized she was pregnant she took me back. It last almost one year then she vanished with out a word. I think she did it to get even because I called her out.

[JRT]

She and I recycled around 6 times with each episode becoming shorter in duration and less extreme. The very last one was only for a few hours and every thing returned to normal immediately. It was 9 months later that she blew up again which proved to be the final b/u.

Regardless, things were just never the same after the first one.

[Infern0]

FWB actually doesn't work for them either.

I had that kind of arrangement for a little while,  but they  NEED you to love them so they will do or say what they need to to make you.

Then the games begin all over again

I agree Inferno, there's no going back, I was just thinking about what if I had gone into it with those expectations to begin with; I think it would have been easier to leave when it got weird and I wouldn't have gotten as hurt, if at all.  That's something I've really been working on lately: some women are relationship material and some are just good for a hook-up and no more, and the key for me is keeping my eyes and ears open and staying constantly connected to my gut feel, and hopefully red flags become deal breakers instead of things to ignore and deny.  I wasn't in this place when I met her, so I'm considering it progress.

I think most of us were the same when we started out with our BPD.  I sure saw a load of red flags and I could tell she had issues but I ignored them or thought they could be worked through.

At least now we know what to be careful of

[Numbers]

I have read somewhere that for any re-engagement to work, you need both partners strong with will and even stronger understanding what went wrong.

In relationships we discuss here, both partners re-engage with paranoia - today I see how it could never have worked.

[4Years5Months]

I had six recycles.  With each, there was an idealization period like when we first started dating, but it was much shorter, maybe a month at most.  She would say things like "I just want to spend time with you!  I don't care if we just go to dinner!"  I was her whole world, the only thing she would want.  For a while.  Then she went back to complaining about her life and projecting all of it onto me.

We are currently on our seventh (and final) breakup.  The first four only lasted a week or two at most, without her seeing anyone else.  Compared to the final three breakups - when she actually did replace me - I looked at them as her testing me to see if I would beg to take her back.  And I did.  I also think she WANTED to find a replacement, but didn't, and came back to her safe island of me.

The fifth breakup, I didn't beg for her to take me back, but remained friends with her.  We would hang out and talk like we always had, just without any romance.  After about a month of this, a guy at college asked her out and she immediately slept with him and started staying over every night... .after knowing him six days.  Attachment!  She feared I would leave her since I wasn't begging for her to take me back. This guy lasted a month before I was recycled back in... .I broke NC, and she triangulated my replacement vs. me for about another month until coming back to me full time.  When the recycle was complete, things were good for about two months, and it lasted seven months before she broke up with me again.  We planned to move in together and take a vacation together.  Keyword is PLANNED.  Neither happened.

Then another breakup/recycle happened last summer with a co-worker.  She has a tendency to develop crushes on non-repulsive guys who give her attention.  The co-worker was one of these guys.  I called her out on this (they were going back and forth commenting on Facebook WAY too much) and she felt engulfed and broke up with me.  Immediately started hanging out with him, but he apparently didn't make a move, so I was triangulated for TWO months, until I got fed up and cut off contact.  She immediately took a weekend vacation with and slept with him.  Something must have not clicked, because she was contacting ME for a change a week later and begging me to take her back.

This last recycle was about as quintessential BPD as you can get.  She sat on her couch and sobbed as she promised to change and begged me to take her back.  She acknowledged all of her behaviors, I stated everything she had done (without mentioning BPD) and she agreed with me.  She had never spoken with such clarity about herself.  She made the "grand gesture" as my therapist calls it - promised we would move away together to the city I wanted to live in, get married, have children.  She even had NAMES for our children.  She said she would be a stay at home mom.  It was a 10+ point plan she e-mailed me.  Things were literally perfect for about two months. 

Her family paid for a vacation for both of us to NYC in December as her college graduation present.  That was too perfect of a time for her (engulfment), and she began to detach after we came back.  We walked through Central Park holding hands, two weeks later she tells me "I'm trying not to talk to you as much so I can stop caring about you."  I didn't put up with it, argued, cut off contact for two weeks.  She was even MORE detached when I reestablished contact.  I thought she would "work on (her)self" as she had promised in October, but of course as a BPDer, I should have known better.  She ended things on February 15th.  No, we didn't spend Valentine's Day together.  Her birthday was a week later, and I didn't contact her.  I think that is when she decided I had abandoned her.  A week later, in early March, she went public on Facebook with my replacement.

She has been randomly liking comments I leave on mutual friends' Facebook posts (we aren't friends on there) so I think she's trying to get me to contact her, or about to contact me.  Not sure.

[hurting300]

I had six recycles.  With each, there was an idealization period like when we first started dating, but it was much shorter, maybe a month at most.  She would say things like "I just want to spend time with you!  I don't care if we just go to dinner!"  I was her whole world, the only thing she would want.  For a while.  Then she went back to complaining about her life and projecting all of it onto me.

We are currently on our seventh (and final) breakup.  The first four only lasted a week or two at most, without her seeing anyone else.  Compared to the final three breakups - when she actually did replace me - I looked at them as her testing me to see if I would beg to take her back.  And I did.  I also think she WANTED to find a replacement, but didn't, and came back to her safe island of me.

The fifth breakup, I didn't beg for her to take me back, but remained friends with her.  We would hang out and talk like we always had, just without any romance.  After about a month of this, a guy at college asked her out and she immediately slept with him and started staying over every night... .after knowing him six days.  Attachment!  She feared I would leave her since I wasn't begging for her to take me back. This guy lasted a month before I was recycled back in... .I broke NC, and she triangulated my replacement vs. me for about another month until coming back to me full time.  When the recycle was complete, things were good for about two months, and it lasted seven months before she broke up with me again.  We planned to move in together and take a vacation together.  Keyword is PLANNED.  Neither happened.

Then another breakup/recycle happened last summer with a co-worker.  She has a tendency to develop crushes on non-repulsive guys who give her attention.  The co-worker was one of these guys.  I called her out on this (they were going back and forth commenting on Facebook WAY too much) and she felt engulfed and broke up with me.  Immediately started hanging out with him, but he apparently didn't make a move, so I was triangulated for TWO months, until I got fed up and cut off contact.  She immediately took a weekend vacation with and slept with him.  Something must have not clicked, because she was contacting ME for a change a week later and begging me to take her back.

This last recycle was about as quintessential BPD as you can get.  She sat on her couch and sobbed as she promised to change and begged me to take her back.  She acknowledged all of her behaviors, I stated everything she had done (without mentioning BPD) and she agreed with me.  She had never spoken with such clarity about herself.  She made the "grand gesture" as my therapist calls it - promised we would move away together to the city I wanted to live in, get married, have children.  She even had NAMES for our children.  She said she would be a stay at home mom.  It was a 10+ point plan she e-mailed me.  Things were literally perfect for about two months. 

Her family paid for a vacation for both of us to NYC in December as her college graduation present.  That was too perfect of a time for her (engulfment), and she began to detach after we came back.  We walked through Central Park holding hands, two weeks later she tells me "I'm trying not to talk to you as much so I can stop caring about you."  I didn't put up with it, argued, cut off contact for two weeks.  She was even MORE detached when I reestablished contact.  I thought she would "work on (her)self" as she had promised in October, but of course as a BPDer, I should have known better.  She ended things on February 15th.  No, we didn't spend Valentine's Day together.  Her birthday was a week later, and I didn't contact her.  I think that is when she decided I had abandoned her.  A week later, in early March, she went public on Facebook with my replacement.

She has been randomly liking comments I leave on mutual friends' Facebook posts (we aren't friends on there) so I think she's trying to get me to contact her, or about to contact me.  Not sure.

Lol did we date the same person? Mine always needed other men around.

[hope2727]

Yup mine always needed other women around. Told me point blank that he needed the "ego rub". His words. Gross.

I have male friends.  i even have close ones. I am even friends with a couple of ex boyfriends but it took awhile and we laugh about it now. I do NOT however need the ego rub.

What I need is a partner who is reciprocal in his nature and doesn't change feelings and moods like the wind. Who doesn't change reality/history and lie to and about me. I need a good honourable man who is capable of building a cuter together. Not an overgrown child who pouts and sulks.

[Blimblam]

I know a guy who's sort of still with his BPD ex.  She's pretty high functioning and I thinkk subclinical for sure. The thing is he is just focused on himself and his goals and she keeps going back to him for company and hoping he will come around. The very fact that he is in someways unobtainable makes him desirable to her.  At the same time they spend a lot of time together.  If he gave into her whole thing of what she wants him to be for her it would probably blow up in his face.

[Beach_Babe]

Nope.