BPD husband

[Rebel girl]

My husband has BPD. I'm trying to learn how to deal with it. I have researched BPD online and I'm learning all I can. I suffer from major depressive disorder. When I try to talk to him about certain things he perceives an attack against him and lashes out. This affects me negativity in that I get hurt and become severely depressed. When he apologizes for his actions it seems insincere. I want and need to continue the conversation in order to express my feelings but I'm afraid of his reaction. It becomes a vicious cycle. He saw the psych today. It's the first time in a while he has gone. There is always some reason to miss therapy. But heaven forbid he miss a doctor appointment for drugs. He will go through a month supply of klonopin in a matter of days. Prescriptions are all over town. We have been separated for two years but are now living in the same town again. I'm at my wits end. I have tried other online groups but the ones I have found seem to be more like complaining cliques than help. I pray that this group is different.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome to the site. I hope you take time to read some lessons here, and get the support I've found here. I certainly understand what you mean about the "vicious cycle". I too feel the need to try to talk things out with my BPDh, but he just isn't emotionally able to most times. It makes him defensive, or angry, or dysregulate, all of which just makes ME feel worse. My goal about trying to communicate, is to make things better, or avert future conflict, but due to the nature of the disorder, we get nowhere. I can't change him, and I don't know how to stop feeling like I "need" to communicate with him, but I'm working on that. I've been trying to think of it in terms of emotional maturity wise, thinking of him as a two year old. Not in a condescending way, but because he just doesn't have the skills/maturity level to communicate in a healthy manner lots of times. I wouldn't try to have an in depth conversation with a two year old, and while my husband certainly is smart, and mature in some ways, when it comes to emotional maturity, and communication, I have to realize he just isn't.

It's hard when they put off therapy. My husband just started DBT therapy, and I thought we'd never get that far, but we did. It's nice to read the stories you sometimes read on here when things can get better.

Once again, welcome!

[JohnLove]

Hello Rebel girl. Your situation sounds very difficult. BPD recycles are often met with failure but it's not a certainty. There are a few senior advisors on this site that can be particularly helpful. With that said you don't have to listen to anyone but recognised experts in this field, the tools to the right and on this website are of genuine assistance and will prove very helpful to your situation.

Will it be enough?... .only time, practicing the strategies here, and yourself will be able to answer that. Watch the videos... .learn all you can. 

[an0ught]

Welcome Rebel girl,

My husband has BPD. I'm trying to learn how to deal with it. I have researched BPD online and I'm learning all I can. I suffer from major depressive disorder. When I try to talk to him about certain things he perceives an attack against him and lashes out. This affects me negativity in that I get hurt and become severely depressed. When he apologizes for his actions it seems insincere. I want and need to continue the conversation in order to express my feelings but I'm afraid of his reaction.

I hope you find this a good place to continue discussions that can't be continued with your H. Sharing them here may be a form of "venting" but then often someone may be able to find an angle on how things can be communicated better.

Are you familiar with SET? SET can be used to express our feelings with "T=our feelings". It is not perfect with our emotions coming last but that sucks less than getting a bad escalation for expressing what we feel.

I have tried other online groups but the ones I have found seem to be more like complaining cliques than help. I pray that this group is different.

This board puts an emphasis on skill learning (see LESSONS). We all need to vent at times, dealing with BPD can be overwhelming. In the end we only control our side of the relationship and the better we handle that the better we fare.

It becomes a vicious cycle. He saw the psych today. It's the first time in a while he has gone. There is always some reason to miss therapy. But heaven forbid he miss a doctor appointment for drugs. He will go through a month supply of klonopin in a matter of days. Prescriptions are all over town. We have been separated for two years but are now living in the same town again. I'm at my wits end.

So when you write you are in the same town you are saying you are not living together all the time? Having some private space is important. With depression  it is easy to withdraw too much. It is good that you are seeking out support - also online. How is the rest of your support system doing?

Again ,

a0