Anybody else a Codependent Enabler ?

[llor]

Just read about codependency in the suggested material and just discovered that I am a ''Codependent Enabler'' : https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships. Talk about a big flea to deal with.

Was wondering if anybody here believe they are like this too or even better were like this and now are over it ? What did you do ?

Anything could help. Thanks 

[Michelle27]

I think I was for many years.  Realizing how codependent I was really makes me angry.  My moods totally dependent on whether he was "on" or "off", constantly watching for the signs of an impending dysregulation, making excuses for him to everyone else (especially my daughter from my first marriage that he targeted as well as me in rages), believing his promises that it wouldn't happen again until the next one, etc...  

A couple of things got me past this, although I think I still am somewhat codependent as I am so easily triggered still by his moods.  One was hitting the end of what I could reasonably tolerate (as far as rages).  After years of making boundaries that I allowed to be walked over (so not REAL boundaries), I took myself to counseling, realized my anger and resentments were not so much about him but at myself for tolerating everything I did for so long, and finally understanding that I never had real boundaries and making a few that I actually enforced (finally) a few weeks ago.

We are now in a "therapeutic separation".  I found a room to rent and starting today, we are alternating weeks (mine starts today) staying in the rented room and the other partner staying in our home with our daughter.  This is while he pursues therapy that will help him identify his dysregulations sooner but mostly for me to learn to feel emotionally safe again so I'm not walking around in a constant state of anxiety over when the next rage is going to come, and he honestly feels horrible shame over having them and how he treats me during them.  He's made some progress as far as now they don't last days (only hours) and they hit 5 on the Richter scale instead of 9.  Problem for me, is that no matter how long or how bad they are, I am still triggered right now. I need to heal so I can stop making things worse instead of better.

[llor]

Thanks for sharing your story Michelle . I found a few videos on it last night from Ross Rosenberg. And he recommends exactly what you said: to put up boundaries and if they don't work physical separation helps: [urlhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytq51GMsd8w][/url]

[Michelle27]

Thanks for sharing your story Michelle . I found a few videos on it last night from Ross Rosenberg. And he recommends exactly what you said: to put up boundaries and if they don't work physical separation helps: [urlhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytq51GMsd8w][/url]

Well, that's good to hear.  I am just doing what I know I need right now without anyone else's advice.  I know my husband is not thrilled at all, and wants me to stay with him but I have explained clearly my need to heal, or else I know we will not make it long term because I will have to get out permanently.

[eeks]

I identify with some of the traits, but some of the classic definition doesn't fit me.  This thread alludes to some of my patterns https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275010.0

I am pretty sure my mother is codependent (dysfunctional parents).  The way she compensates for my father's issues.  He is a hoarder, and is reluctant to pay someone to do home renovations but it takes him years to finish projects, and both of these cause her so much stress but she still puts up with it because (it seems) nothing she does changes it. 

He also was very reactive with anger towards me when I was a child, and she did not allow that behaviour, but instead of deciding to learn to be a better parent he basically withdrew from every aspect of parenting except the practical, cooking meals and driving me to lessons, so she was left having to take over as parent the emotional stuff that he had given up on. 

I don't think I'm afraid to disagree with people, or say no.  I go right ahead and say no when something is unacceptable to me out of an internal conviction, but then when the other person gets upset (and maybe tries to manipulate me into doing what they want by trying to shame me or criticizing my character) I react, I feel it, it doesn't necessarily mean I do as they wish, but the relationship usually ends (that's the case whether it's personal or professional, by the way!) and I'm left constantly questioning, were they right about me? and feeling the loss of the relationship.  And a lot of shame because I haven't been able to maintain jobs or intimate relationships.  Tons of shame.

The problem is some of the behaviours my mother insisted I do when I was a child, because "this is the way the world is" or "this is how people are", things I had to do in order to "protect myself", that she rationalized because they were adults and I was a child, but it was all really from her own trauma defense dynamics and codependency.  It in effect created a one-sided dynamic where I had to "meet their needs", well, actually, compensate for their lack of emotional self-awareness and responsibility, but I could not expect the same in return from them.

I didn't find this out till I was an adult, but she thought that because I would be perceived as "blessed" (intelligent, educated, all material needs and many wants provided for) that I would have to give others a cookie first (that's my metaphor, they would expect some kind of offering from me, even a small one) in order for them to a) know that I meant no harm or threat b) for them to accept me as an equal.  What, like I owe them something up front?  I can't as one individual remedy the injustices of our society and of birth!

So, I don't really know "what to do about it", but I am in the process of sorting things out.

I suspect it will take more than surface behavioural changes like "learning to set boundaries", although that's important.  I think I get caught up in other people's emotions, like, "if they are THAT upset about it, maybe they are right?  I wouldn't act like that unless I was really sure of myself!"  So it's something about learning that I don't have to justify my decision to not meet someone's needs, and I could be wrong and that's ok, I have free will and that includes the free will to be incorrect.  Their tantrums aren't effective to get them what they want, because typically they are about something that is either very difficult or impossible for me to do (in employment, for instance, I cannot create out of thin air information or facts I don't have access to, and in personal life I cannot emotionally attune to a friend or lover 100% of the time).  But I am left with all this guilt about it!

[llor]

I identify with some of the traits, but some of the classic definition doesn't fit me.  This thread alludes to some of my patterns https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275010.0

I suspect it will take more than surface behavioural changes like "learning to set boundaries", although that's important.  I think I get caught up in other people's emotions, like, "if they are THAT upset about it, maybe they are right?  I wouldn't act like that unless I was really sure of myself!"  So it's something about learning that I don't have to justify my decision to not meet someone's needs, and I could be wrong and that's ok, I have free will and that includes the free will to be incorrect.  Their tantrums aren't effective to get them what they want, because typically they are about something that is either very difficult or impossible for me to do (in employment, for instance, I cannot create out of thin air information or facts I don't have access to, and in personal life I cannot emotionally attune to a friend or lover 100% of the time).  But I am left with all this guilt about it!

Well at least you too seem to be lucid about it . I hope you learn to let the guilt go too one day.

[eeks]

Thanks Ilor.  I just made a connection in my mind.  My mother taught me to give angry adults the polite response they were looking for, in order to 'protect myself'.  I see that this was typically in situations where I had, simply by virtue of being honest, drawn their attention to a shortcoming of theirs, and rather than face that, it's easier to label the child or teenager (me) as audacious and disrespectful! 

And this makes the BPD thing make sense, I fell for their devaluation at first out of an honest attempt to be accountable for the impact of my words and behaviour... . good mature relationship stuff, right?... . but when it kept going, and going, and they kept heaping guilt on me and/or continuing saying how much I'd hurt them, this way, that way, another way... . I started to react, I couldn't tolerate the hypocrisy anymore.

[Grey Kitty]

Yep, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, stopped wearing it, and finally cut it up and used it as a rag for cleaning up messes

More seriously... . I think I dealt with the worst of my codependence as I was dealing with the abusive behavior from my wife. (Verbal/emotional, escalating to a little physical, slapped me once or twice) My path for dealing with it was mostly support from friends who understood something of being in an abusive r/s, these forums, and mindfulness meditation.

I developed and refined my now-awesome boundary enforcement skills here on the Staying board. The senior folks there really helped me sort it out!

The mindfulness really helped me see where my role in the interactions was... . how I was going down a rabbit hole in my own head, so to speak. I did one 10-day silent retreat for myself at a time when I desperately needed it... . and the skills helped a lot on a daily basis too.